Baby&#8230;What Do You Think?

I’m Filthy, a New York born, loud mouth aspiring music impresario. She’s Bella, a non-profit spindoctor southern belle. We’re based in Brooklyn and Clutch is crazy for letting us talk the mess that comes out of our mouths when we’re at home in front of the TV.

Alicia Keys
Filthy: Looks like Alicia Keys pulled her outfit from George Lucas’ Star Wars costume closet.
Bella: It’s a reflection of the times we live in, baby. That neckline is bulletproof. Bedazzled Kevlar—I heard that’s what’s hot in the streets for ’08.

Vivica Fox
Filthy: I’ve never been a big fan of Vivica, but she looks kinda sexy in this. I think I just like the whole little Greek fantasy thing she’s got going on. Role playing is sexy!
Bella: Stop being fresh! She looks like she’s channeling Diahann Carroll in Dynasty. (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/65/Dominiqued.jpg)

Scary Spice
Filthy: Is she doing her best Norbit impression?
Bella: Focus on the outfit, baby. I usually hate overly matched ensembles . . . yup, and I still do. What about her dude though?
Filthy: He looks creepy. Everything from his outfit to his face is scary. He has this dirty uncle thing going on.

Erykah Badu
Filthy: The Boho gals are gonna hate me for this but lawd, Erykah looks like she just had a rough night on the town with Amy Winehouse.
Bella: Her purse and her hair got into a fight in the back seat. The purse won. However—HELLO PUMPS!
Filthy: Wait, is that a purse or her back up wig?

Ashanti
Filthy: Ashanti’s on her way to reggaeton night at Boys & Girls High School in Brooklyn!
Bella: BOK BOK! That pose is so “I grew boobies over the summer—SEE!”

Kelis
Filthy: Why does Kelis’ high waisted jeans look like mom jeans?
Bella: I think because the hem is too short, and that blue sweater is too short. OMG! Is the fur on the little sweater or on the jacket? I can’t deal. HOT MESS FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. Except the purse by Head Porter . . .

Jennifer Hudson
Filthy: I think we should include a Jenny Hudson photo in all our columns cause the boys like her.
Bella: The girls do, too. Another example of stellar cleavage presentation. BRAVA BITCH! I’d love to have seen a corseted top with this outfit though . . . what she has on now looks like fancy white Spanx.

Tyra Banks
Filthy: Her dress looks like it was made from feathers of an aging Big Bird.
Bella: Today on Tyra, dust the house and be red carpet ready—all with one dress!

Eve
Filthy: Eve was all smiles as she arrived at the funeral for her Hip-Hop career.
Bella: For future reference, commemorating a brawl with a small wild cat on your cleave is never a good look.

Mary J. Blige & Rosario Dawson
Filthy: I’m usually all about Rosario and I love Mary, but Jesus, they look like two prowling spinsters at their 20th high school reunion.
Bella: They are looking rather cougar-ish posing in front of the dip. Mary has come a LONG way though. Even with her Little Boy Blue haircut.

Rihanna
Filthy: Photos like this bother me cause we should be seeing a much better angle of Rihanna’s great legs.
Bella: Agreed. But this whole outfit irks me. It just looks so Lisa Turtle. (http://losangeles.metromix.com/content_image/full/155235/419/419)

Beyonce
Filthy: I get the glam thing that Beyonce is always going for but—is it just me or is this much fur a bit frightening?
Bella: She’s one beaver hat away from a PETA paint-assault.

Venus Williams
Filthy: Her beach towel is so versatile!
Bella: And absorbent! It’s 125 degrees in there and she’s sweatin’ like a whore in church . . . but we’re NONE the wiser. Brilliant.

Veronica Webb
Filthy: Wow. She looks like an extra on Yo Gabba Gabba! (www.yogabbagabba.com)
Bella: I think it’s a fashion torture device. The beads keep shrinking until you’re smothered by the scarfs and then your head pops off . . .ugh. that’d be A LOT of red.