Does Anyone Have a Spare Bride Gene?

Thursday Jan 1, 2009 – by Ganeka Gray

A few years ago my girlfriends and I were watching that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie tries on the wedding dress and breaks out into hives. While my friends were all commenting on how she was overreacting, Carrie was claiming that she was missing “the bride gene,” and while I must admit that the series was a little corny, exaggerated and unrealistic, it was one of those moments where I felt like I could relate to Carrie in a sense and wondered if I too were missing this “bride gene.”

I never thought about my dream wedding or what type of furniture we would get for our brand new home. I never imagined what the perfect proposal would look like or showing off my ring to friends and family. The most I probably daydreamed about was which exotic Polynesian island my over-water bungalow would reside on during my honeymoon, but even then I imagined myself sunbathing alone. What does this say about me? Am I noncommittal? Yes my parents got divorced when I was seven and yes I’ve seen people get hurt in relationships, but to be honest I haven’t been hurt to the extent that I would call all men dogs or say that a happy marriage is a figment of our imaginations, I’ve actually known many awesome men who are beautiful and would make great husbands.

I believe in marriage and I think it can be a wonderful thing if you’re willing to work hard at making each day better than the last. Speaking to some women I can’t help but think that a lot of them are more in love with the idea of a big wedding and not the idea of holy matrimony, and for me the idea of a wedding was always temporary because before you know it all the guests are gone and it’s just the two of you left to build your lives’ together.

Ok, I probably sound pessimistic, but I’ve always considered myself more of a realist than an idealist, I still have to ask myself again, how does a 26 year-old woman not want to get married anytime soon? One reason is I don’t feel like what I’ve been taught by society is valid; go to school, meet the man, make the man fall in love with you, marry the man, have the wonderful career, buy the house, have the babies, raise the babies and dedicate your life to the family, or whatever order it is! I love family and truly do value a healthy structure especially a healthy, black family structure, but what if things don’t happen by this societal deadline we’ve been assigned, are we then left to feel like inadequate spinsters that nobody wants? And I’m talking about women who haven’t even reached 35 yet.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to tie the knot, I have friends who would die to be called someone’s wife, but what I can’t stand is when they begin to compare themselves and their state of singledom to other friends who have already made commitments. One thing in life that we should never do is wish for what other people have; you never know what it’s like on the inside or how they are maintaining it and they might be secretly wishing for what you have. People, the grass is always greener. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, I also have friends who still want to travel or be a little more adjusted in their careers and their own personal journeys before they jump the broom.

There are certain transitions in life that we may never be 100% ready for and marriage and children are a few of those things in my world, but I want people to start to examine themselves and their own personal convictions about marriage before saying “I do.” Ask questions, talk to people who’ve been together for 20 and 30 years, not your friends or family members who are placing unnecessary pressure on you and really don’t know much about the topic themselves. Whether we all end up married within the next five years, have a boyfriend for the next 15 or stay single for the rest of our lives we should all make a pact to never stop growing, never stop learning and always stay our interesting, intellectual, eternally evolving selves. Even Carrie found her bride gene in the end.

menotu says:

January 1, 2009 at 3:04 pm

OMG, Ganeka Gray! I think we are twins who were separated at birth. I thought I was the only woman who felt this way. I am beyond elated that you published this. I, too, have wondered if I was wired differently. It is so difficult to find someone who comprehends these thoughts, let alone appreciate them. Thank you for making it plain.

↑ Reply

ceecee says:

January 1, 2009 at 3:50 pm

I should make 50 copies of this article and hand it out to each person that tries to pressure me about getting married.

Rashana says:

January 1, 2009 at 4:03 pm

Ganeka great article, even as a committed woman in a long-term relationship who is planning to marry I get what you are saying. We too have our own “doubts”. Thanks for sharing…check out my recent blog post..I talked about something very similar.

Rainy says:

January 1, 2009 at 5:46 pm

I completely agree with you. I am 43 years old and married to my second husband. I have three children (17, 3 and newborn). I don’t think most women mature into themselves until they reach their 30s. I don’t think anyone should choose a mate until they reach that maturity milestone (not just the number, but the growth that happens at or around 30). Like me, most people don’t realize just how much they will change until they’ve had the experience. Your output on life adjusts and many times your ideal mate changes with that change.
I, too, have known way too many people who are concerned about the value of their wedding ring, the impressive wedding events, and the status of their potential mate. They don’t realize what life might be like once married to that person. How many days a month must your spouse travel (or insert any other task that keeps you apart) in his/her current position? It’s fine when you are dating, but will it be fine with a newborn at home? Will it be fine when you are trying to strengthen the relationship? Will it really matter that you can afford a luxury home and cars when you barely speak to each other most days? With a little growth, the trivial aspects of a person become very unimportant and people began to look deeper, but it takes time for us to reach that point.

I do know couples who married in their 20s who are still together. Are they happy in their marriage? Would they choose the same person again? I don’t know and that is the point.

Tyra D. says:

January 1, 2009 at 10:35 pm

Great, well-written article Ganeka. To Rainy, I completely agree with and relate to everything you are saying. While my husband and I are still together after getting married in our 20s, we have gone through a lot of changes that have forced me to ask myself those last two questions in your post. The 30s are definitely the period when a woman begins to grow into herself and her priorities and desires begin to change.

Anita says:

January 2, 2009 at 1:45 am

First time here, I really liked this article. Asking for a bride gene is like asking for a crazy gene, what do you need that for when you’ve got other stiff to worry about in life? There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to get married just to be married; I think the divorce rate is 60% in America because people are so terrified of being alone that they’ll just marry anybody who agrees to it whether it’s a good idea or not. I never understood the whole women-desperate-to-get-married phenomenon; I still don’t even though I am now happily married. I never even thought about it until I met my husband, and if I had not met him I can’t imagine ever doing this to myself :)

I wonder though, is the ‘bride gene’ different from a marriage gene? I did want to get married, but the actual wedding part scared the balls off me. Every fiber of my being was screaming “ELOPE! IT’S CHEAPER!” but my family would have torn me apart. At least the cake was good

Tres Tres DC PR says:

January 2, 2009 at 12:35 pm

While I respect your point of view, I am personally disgusted on how “our” society deals with marriage. I got married at 20 (I am 25 now and still married). While we have had our fair share of issues, I wouldn’t directly blame them on being married young. They were issues just about every relationship faces. Before I got married I had a co-worker ask me why was I getting married. I was in shock that someone would ask me that. I thought the reason why I was getting married because it was obvious…I love this man. I think that had I been having a baby shower sans husband at 20 then people would have come baring gifts closed mouthed but because I was getting married there were questions. Why are we so accustomed as a people to have babies out of wedlock but we are scared to get married. In my humble opinion, a child is the ultimate responsibility. I guess I’m just an advocate for marriage and black love :)

** Just my take, I know this story had no reference to child bearing.

Mecca says:

January 2, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Ganeka…I can completely relate to this article. I have a few years ahead of you (35 yrs old) and have never been married or even proposed to. Never had the dreams of the white dress, perfect proposal, or even the honeymoon. When Carrie flipped the hell out, I could feel the rash on my own skin! And, like you, it’s not that I don’t want to be married, but lately I’ve become very annoyed at the choices my friends have made with regards to their husbands. No disrespect to those that are married, but you have made your choice and have a partner to help you with difficult situations. I admit, after a confusing break up, I am a little bitter, but I think women need to stop beginning every sentence with “my boyfriend and I” or “my husband and I”. Does one get lost when “you” becomes a “we”? I am thirty five and have realized that soon I will have to make some difficult choices about my life (i.e. adoption), but in the meantime it is important for me to be a better strong individual than a weak bride.

Nay says:

January 3, 2009 at 12:55 am

I know where you’re coming from. I do want to get married someday, but while it’s easy to imagine feeling deeply in love with someone, sharing a nice home, and building a family with a person who is your lover and best of friends, it seems a little unreal. Perhaps it’s just because I haven’t met that someone who I want to share my life with yet. And, I also struggle with what everyone says marriage is supposed to be. I think I’m worried about losing myself, and some of the qualities that make me as an individual happy. But like you said some people like the idea of marriage more than marriage itself. I want a relationship to lead to marriage, not marriage to lead me into being in a relationship.

NinaG says:

January 3, 2009 at 2:56 am

AMAZING piece! Its funny the reactions I get from people when I say I don’t want to be married or have kids. I’m not saying that I don’t want to be in a long-term relationship but I definitely don’t ever want to be married and I don’t have the personality for kids. It may be the hypochondriac in me but I fear I may end up one of those women severely depressed or suffering from some other mental health issue if I try to convince myself to have kids…Anyways, Thanks for this piece!

Shi says:

January 3, 2009 at 2:50 pm

The was so TRUE on so many different levels. We as women have to learn what is for us is ours no one can take that away. The better you are at being happy and responsible with what you have the more you will be blessed with. Everyone will not be married or ever even engaged. That still does not mean the we stop living our most productive lives. Thank you for writing this wonderfully worded article and putting it in direct prospective for those still caught up in the daydream/hype.

Ganeka Gray says:

January 4, 2009 at 11:03 pm

Thank you EVERYONE for your comments, I totally appreciate hearing the feedback and whether you can relate to what I’m saying or not, I truly enjoy hearing what you all have to say and all the excellent points you make, you ladies are great for all being able to be honest and open about something that is not always deemed as something you should question. So again, thank you SOOOOOOO much for reading!

Jimmy Prude says:

January 5, 2009 at 11:51 am

Hey Ganeka,

I must say that I really enjoyed reading your perspective. Your writing is good. As some of my co-workers would say, you are “Spot-On” :) I wish more women could think like you, or just have that insight of understanding, how extremely important growth and development is for themselves (self-reflecting), which will ultimately aid them in being a better person. If I had 25cents, for each person who asked me why I have not married yet, I would be fairly well off. But one of the things I tell people, which is what you touched on is, I can care less about wanting to marry somebody, until I accomplish my goals, get my money, and obtain my Nice condo over looking water :) straight up!

Kudos Ganeka, you need to spread this like wild fire :) and hope that it changes the way a-lot of men and women view themselves and each other, when it comes to marriage. Peace out Hommie!

-Jimmy

andrea p. says:

January 5, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Hey Neek this is a great article!

I am at an age where most (about 98%) of my girlfriends are married. Although I think I would like to be married one day I know it’s not practical for me right now, but when everyone in your social group has jumped the broom it makes it difficult to avoid the pressure. But I’m so happy that I am taking my time and enjoying my life as it unfolds. It would not have been as easy to do most of the things I’ve done thus far if I was already married, especially married with kids. So if it happens, great. If not, great, too. What will be will be.

Boogie says:

January 5, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Ms. Gray, what you have put in print reflects the thought of many women today that live a lifestyle of intellectual, financial and emotional independence. Many of us still may feel uneasy about owning our independence by calling it lonliness, which is more of a mental state than a physical one. Back in the day people married at a young age at of social and economic necessity. I consider myself very priviledged as a woman to have the essential human rights that I do. Very much like the right to vote, I also have the right to live my life solo, until I see fit to change that. I think we all see that it is not a difficult thing to have a man or marry a man. How does one stay there with peace of mind, sanity and their integrity is the question.

With candor, I can say this: companionship is beautiful and soothing. 90% of my interactions with men have been mutually respectful without drama that scars the heart, BUT I have yet to meet a man on this earth that has moved me enough for me to want to marry and call my own or to even go in that direction emotionally. So, there you have it! When I am moved in that way, I will marry. Until then I am thankful that I am not a slave to the things that cause people to make life altering mistake of premature marriage just for the sake of attachment. Again, companionship and commitment are beautiful things that are meant to be healthy and flourishing.

atorvikey says:

January 5, 2009 at 6:29 pm

I absolutely love this post. I totally agree with the pressure put on by family and friends. I have been with my boyfriend going on 2 years and we’re asked almost weekly about when the wedding is. Who said we were ready for marriage just because we are in a long term relationship and in our mid twenties? Another challenge is not falling in love with the idea of a wedding and focus on the marriage and constantly strengthening the bond you have with your mate. It also helps to be on one accord with your mate about your desires. My bf and I both want to travel for a few years before having children. I just had to come to grips that I may have my first child at 30, and i’m ok with that now. Twenty-six seemed so reasonable when I made the decision when I was 18. lol. My rule of thumb is that you have to be completely ok with being single before you’re ever ready for a serious relationship. Good luck to everyone single, taken, and married! =)

tremaine says:

January 7, 2009 at 12:29 pm

This was more than a pleasant read and I have to say that I agree with most of it. One does get tired of the constant questions about when one’s marital status will change. But… the idea of wanting it all, hasn’t escaped me yet. This is very well written, Ganeka, and I must quote this, “Whether we all end up married within the next five years, have a boyfriend for the next 15 or stay single for the rest of our lives we should all make a pact to never stop growing, never stop learning and always stay our interesting, intellectual, eternally evolving selves. Even Carrie found her bride gene in the end.” Great read… Great, indeed.

Janell Necole says:

January 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Excuse me while I Facebook this to all of my friends.
For some reason my girlfriends and I can’t seem to stop gabbing about getting married. We’re not even out of college but it seems like getting marriend is the ultimate “GOAL” in life, especially for Christian women, like us. Many times we’d lose sleep over the thought of not getting married and although we pretend to be happy in our singleness, the pressures of society to meet that quota that you perfectly described beats that happiness down with a bat! Thanks for this, my girls and I will be having a dicussion a.s.a.p!

everyonesister says:

January 9, 2009 at 2:33 pm

You are absolutely right. What society teaches isn’t valid! You hit on so many good points in this piece. I agree that we should not covet what another person has because we have no clue in what it took for them to have it, and two, we have no clue if they are even enjoying it. I’m astonished how some couples tend to hook their single friends up, yet aren’t even really happy in their own relationship. I’ve been married for almost 4 yrs now. Like you, I never dreamt of the perfect man and wedding plans. I believed that if it was meant for me to be found (not for me to find a man because I believe in the Bible where it says that a Man that FINDS a wife, finds a good thing) then praise the Lord. Also, in understanding what God’s purpose out of marriage is, you will see that it is contrary to what the secular views are. I tell my single friends that being single is a blessing and being married is a blessing; One does not trump the other. However, it is how you treat your status that makes the difference. Marriage isn’t a joke. It takes work. It can be wonderful if both parties understand their role and their responsibility. I am saddened everytime I meet a woman who is so crazy about the idea of getting married, i.e. the wedding, but has no clue what a wife is. I mean, seriously people, would you apply for a job and not ask questions and read over the job description? Let us all seek wisdom in each endevour and the knowledge and understanding to deal with things presented to us.

Nat says:

January 12, 2009 at 4:04 pm

Really great article!! I think about this issue everyday. I’m 25 years old and in a committed relationship, going on five years. My first love, my first relationship, my first everything. He is a wonderful man, the kind of man that women dream about marrying, no lie! I’m not biased; he seriously is a great man. So what’s the problem you ask? Well, I first want to say that there is NO problem. And this is specifically to those women who constantly compare their single lives to their g/f’s who are in committed relationships (as you mention in your article). I would cringe when my g/f’s started to compare their single life to mine and did that usual, rolling of the eyes and saying things like, “You don’t know how lucky you are,” (like I don’t know that) or my favorite-”Girl, do you know how many women would kill to have a man like that?!!”(again, like I don’t know that), or “What is your problem?!! It’s NOT just about YOU!”(okay, now you’re tripping!). Oh, but honey it is about ME.
During my early twenties/right after college, I pretty much went into what I called the “settling down mode”. My life became a natural routine. I had my 9-5 and I had my man and we did things that people do in relationships; pretty much just having a good ole time. That was it. Around the three year mark of our relationship, I naturally started to do things on my own, have my own apartment, figure out my career path, etc; basically became Miss Independent as Neyo would sang. Now, almost at 26 years of age, I’m still going through this change and this has definitely brought my boyfriend and me to crossroads about our next level of commitment.
The part that I struggle with the most is that I now realize I’m in the water shoulder deep and it’s getting harder to swim, especially since I’m a beginner. At times I feel like I’m the bad guy because I’m still maturing, which is causing this “strain” on our relationship. It’s almost as if I was bottled up for five years and that cap is now getting loose. The person I was before the relationship is knocking on my door saying “Hey, remember me? I was still trying to get to know you”. It’s like I’m just starting to get comfortable with “me” and getting to know “me” because honestly, I don’t know who I am without my man. (Sigh, I know, sounds cheesy right?).
Anyway, I want to stress that I do want to get married someday and start a family. And I know that no one is ever 100% ready to get married, but I’m not even 50% ready! There’s so much that I want to do/accomplish, and the hardest part about that is I don’t have an exact list or an exact time period. Yes, generally there are some things that I want to do and I believe most of you women can relate. I want to be able to hop on a plane with my gf and experience a new culture for six months without any worries. I want to be able to feel comfortable in my skin while painting the town red with my girlies and not feel like I need to act/dress “appropriately” because I have a man (and no I am not talking about bringing out the hoochie momma outfits and dropping it like it’s hott to get that “attention”. I’m simply referring to the idea of being single, sexy, and free in a classy way and having fun with it because you are being YOU). I want to be able to concentrate on my career and figure out what I can do with my degree instead of worrying that after cap and gown it’s officially wedding gown, then babies.
Can I do what I want to do WHILE I’m married or “during” my committed relationship? I now struggle with this question every day and I know you all can agree with me when I say this question is VERY difficult to answer.
All in all, this is a very difficult issue for me. I feel as if I’m the “bad guy” because he wants to get married and I don’t because of my reasons listed above. Please note he in no way pressures me about marriage. But when he speaks about the plans he has about HIS life, HIS desires and HIS needs, I can’t help but feel guilty because I can’t give him what he wants yet. Fear escalates as I worry about his time limit on waiting for me. (Sigh) So what is a young woman like me to do? Well, what I don’t want to do is break his heart and because I love him so much, I’m willing to tighten the cap on that bottle. But, then again where does that leave me? With that being said, I say there seriously needs to be a group meeting for women or an online chat box about this subject matter and Miss Independent. But I can’t stress it enough, great article!!!