Sleeping With Your Colonizer: When Love Takes You Into the Arms of the (White) Man
Those of us in the know, know that love knows no color, no income minimum, height requirement, or educational background. However, for those of us who choose to date outside of our race, we are often the subject of intrigue and ridicule by our friends, family and general bystanders who feel the need to remark as loudly as possible, “You wouldn’t never catch me dating and kissing no white man!” To borrow a few of the words of our greatest national treasure, Miss Aretha Franklin, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”
That’s a good segue into my story, because never in a million years could I have honestly imagined I’d end up with a white man. A lover of all things black men, and a childhood spent ogling the sexiest of the sexy on Video Soul, including Donnie himself — I saw my beautiful Black family fall victim to a drawn out divorce as a kid, and became vigilant to one day have a resilient and unfaltering Black family of my own. As I got older, I clung to this even more, realizing white boys served only two functions in life, face and cake. Beyond that, I was insistent no white man could ever really understand me for the intelligent yet, complex woman who existed at my core. More importantly, they could never relate to my struggles, for self love, acceptance and identity in a Eurocentric society. My narrow view of white men limited them to a good time and nothing more, certainly nothing worth taking seriously. I knew it was a strong brotha who would be the missing half, that would make us together a whole.
Yet, as I began to seriously consider leaving the playing field to settle down with my brown sugar boo, I found it was the brothers who were missing something. For every woman it’s different — the one component we are not willing to compromise on, a fatal flaw if you will. For some it’s a job, a self-esteem, a degree, but for me it was simple willingness to want to settle down, to commit. During this time I dated some of the most fabulous Black men the city of Atlanta had to offer: successful, sexy, charming, well-endowed. But sometimes, indulging in the honey pot makes you wake up and realize you want maple syrup. It seemed, for one reason or another, that they all had an explanation for why they were just not yet ready to settle down. I’m willing to admit, maybe it was me. Perhaps a fearless ambitious woman who knows what she wants, including a family, was too much for the new millennium Black man to handle.
So by chance I accepted a dinner invitation from a long time friend, we’ll call him Steve. Steve and I had gone out on a date before, but I was so uncomfortable and worried who might see me with this white man, I couldn’t enjoy myself. Steve had even tried on previous occasions to tell me that he liked me, but I was so busy chasing some Black boy who wanted nothing to do with me I couldn’t even feign interest. Plus, Steve was my honest-to-God friend. I just wasn’t sure how the “I can’t date you because your white” rationale would have went over. So I stopped returning his emails and went into hiding for two years.
However, I digress.
A chance meeting at a night club led to our first official date. Since then, I’ve been living on cloud nine. I had found my Dr. Feelgood.
Yet, the cadre of brothers, who back then didn’t want me, now had a lot to say. Most of it to the tune of, “how come you and I never worked out?” Meanwhile a good portion of my girlfriends (while also taking a left down hater avenue) had questions like, “whats it like with a white dude?“, “I’ve never seen you so happy, what has this guy done to you?”, and my personal favorite, “he’s cute, does he have any friends?“
As expected, my biggest concern was the reaction of my family, seeing as my father forbade us to attend my cousin’s wedding when she chose to marry a white man. Then there was my mother who had admonished me on more than one occasion as a kid growing up to stop thinking that I could act like those “white folks”. In a startling surprise twist of fate my family loved him from day one. Steve is now my Dad’s favorite drinking buddy. My mother, grandmother and aunts all took to him immediately. They were duly impressed by the way he treated me and ironically enough, were each still nursing their own bitter wounds left from Black men who left them with a house full of children to raise and no emotional or financial support in the wake of their departure.
Let me be clear. By no means am I attacking brothers. If you want to play the field until you are 40, that’s your prerogative. In fact, this is an all-out attack on my sista-friends and our ridiculous refusal to look for love outside the realm of our own race. It doesn’t have to be a white guy; I am imploring you to cross the cultural barrier and date an African, a Mexican man, yes, even an Asian man! So many of us are looking for love, yet if it ain’t Boris, Idris or Will Smith, we are not interested. There are men of all colors and backgrounds who have something to offer. If you know in your heart that you are a passionate, loving woman who brings some strong credentials to the table, why not try reaching out to the other side?
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I see a lot of “protection” of the black male ego and a lot of “deflection” – blaming black women’s dating staus on them and their inability to udnerstand what (black) men want.
Here is the reality – the overwhelming majority of black American males have a color complex. They do not find the archetype black female (dark skinned, west african features) to be attractive. Just troll any message board and see what folks are saying about our first lady.
The black community has accepted this and taught women to just be ok with being considered second-rate in your own community. How much sense does that make? If I am a woman and I have all the working and moving parts of a woman and feel that I have something to offer a man why should I just have to accept that I may be passed over for someone lighter/whiter by men that look just like me? LOL – this makes no sense. If a black man cannot find beauty in his own phenotype that is not my problem. There are men out there that DO find beauty in this phenotype so I would rather find one of them than wait for the few of my “own” who do. Bigger pond means more fish.
And the sad reality facing a lot of black women is that they are going to HAVE to broaden their options if they want a quality mate and don’t want to SHARE a man with four or five other females. This is just basic math. So sistas can “hold it down for the brothas” as long as they want but they have to accept the consequences. Man-sharing is far too common in black areas. Look at a place like Atlanta. Those women are killing themselves to try and snag a man and many of them know that their man is out there cheating but they just accept it because he’s a black man and they don’t want to lose him. It’s pathetic and sad.
@mclovin…I think that is what I’m struggling with..I hope I’m not blocking my blessings. Sometimes I do feel I’m too hard on him, but I think I’m just very analytical. At the end of the day, I can’t genuinely love anyone who looks down on my people or our struggle in anyway. I think I can give him perspective, but that is exhausting! I think I’ll always be on the fence on this issue. Okay, I’m going to really leave this alone. Good luck to you all in finding a true, unconditional, unapologetic, passionate, fierce love!
“Those women are killing themselves to try and snag a man and many of them know that their man is out there cheating but they just accept it because he’s a black man and they don’t want to lose him. It’s pathetic and sad.”
No lady whats pathetic and sad and out right disgusting is how you brought your own insecurities and baggage to an intelligent post with intelligent commentary and tried to turn it into a typical finger pointing contest between the black sexs complete with stereotypes.
@Stillonthefence: I have to disagree VEHEMENTLY with a lot of what you said. It’s great to know your history, but look–at some point you have to get over it. I’m failing to see how dating a white man born in this day and age (who may not even be a descendant of slave owners/be from somewhere like Lithuania)is reverting you back to mammy if you two are in a consensual, loving, and respectful relationship. I’m really failing to see the logic.
But if you want to take that route then I find it EXTREMELY ironic that you would consider dating an African when West Africans sold the captive pow’s from rival villages to Europeans in the first place (I’m an African woman so I’m just keeping it real lol). And the arabs! Dont get me started! They really enslaved blacks and still wreak havoc in Africa today (see the whole Sudan crisis). It’s funny because I never understood how the nation of Islam could overlook the rampant slave trade of the Muslims in an effort to disassociate themselves from the religion of their white captors. Its like slave master religious ping-pong. But I digress … seriously, is that not generalizing? WHile I will concede to your point that “colorblindess” is a non-existant (and flawed) ideal, I still think you have to go on a case by case basis. Don’t justify your preference of only dating black men with anecdotal support because that is only your ONE experience.
@Hollywood: AMEN! You know, as a Nigerian woman with dark skin and 4b hair, I’m going to be honest here: I’m at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to black men. “Redbone”/biracial/closest to white is the standard and honestly–despite how unfortunate our identity crisis is–I’ve accepted it as reality and kept it moving. Why should I sit and wait until I’m 80 years old while praying for the magical powers of black love to grant me a black man who will tolerate me *in spite* of my blackness. It’s funny, because I get a lot of compliments for men of other races. No problem in that area …
Black women, WAKE UP! We’ve been ingrained with this mentality that we have to be protectorates of the black family and be loyal to “our men” but guess what, they’re not reciprocating!* Sometimes, you just have to “do you” in the name of love. I mean, look at statistics. In the US, the most chronically single (and I’m not even talking about unmarried) demographics are Asian men and Black women. That’s not a coincidence …
*Note: I’m not saying ALL black men don’t appreciate black women or anything like that. There are some very awesome black men out there. Consider my rant as the manifestation of the injustice inherent in societal supply and demand–especially when the demand, i.e. black women desiring committed black man, supersedes the supply, black men.
@Mike: No, HOLLYWOOD’s statements are not pathetic and sad. It’s the blunt (albeit tragic) truth. Are you seriously going to sit up here and deny that? I mean, you don’t even have to restrict it to race. In general terms, when women (or people in general) feel that they do not have many options they put up with more of their mate’s BS than normal in an effort to retain the “last one.” In the case of black women “keeping” a black man, this desperation is based on real and legitimate concerns because there numbers just aren’t there for us.
@Pied Piper
Thats a bunch of BS, if you can see a new man once a week than there is enough, plenty infact.
In addition there doesnt seem to be a lack of black couples, black marriages, or black babies running around so how is it that you cant find a black man?
I suggest that before you place blame else were you start looking in the mirror first to see if you are who they want as opposed to what you want.
And no color aint got nothing to do with it.
@Mike: Actually, there is a HUGE lack of black marriages! Hello, single motherhood and kids born out of wedlock is one of the biggest epidemics in the black community! And sure, there may be black copulation but the problem, as the original article states, is the committing part! If you are blind to this fact, then perhaps I need to pull out some statistics for you:
*70% of black children are born out of wedlock!!!!!
*For every 100 single black women there are 70 single black men (and this is not taking into account the high incarceration rates and the men who date nonblack women)
*also, consider that “Between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; for black people, that drop was 34 percent”
*45% of black women have never been married while it’s only 23 for white women
*out of all black-white interracial relationships, black men date white women 2x more than black women date white men
Now, with regard to your statement “I suggest that before you place blame else were you start looking in the mirror first to see if you are who they want as opposed to what you want,” ummm that’s exactly my point. As I stated before, I am not the “ideal” because of my Nigerian features. Okee doke, let me holla at those who not only like it, but are willing to put a ring (or at least commitment) on it because I get approached and complimented often by non black men. Soooo, I’m not exactly seeing what you object to. I mean, I don’t understand why people acted so horrified when young berg made his “dark butt” remark because that mentality, although not usually verbalized, is ingrained in many black men. My frustrations are more of a plea to black women to realize this and not be so limited when it comes to dating.
Btw, your “what you want” part is particularly infuriating! What, so wanting a man who is faithful, doesn’t just see me as his jumpoff, and thinks I’m beautiful precisely because of my African features and not in spite of them is too much? Wooow … then I’ll be a 2nd rate bust-it-baby jigaboo, but at least I’d be holding it down for our black men, cuz that’s all that matters, right?
Soures (I suggest you read these because if you seriously are ignorant of the black marriage/wedlock/family problems then its very alarming):
http://74.125.113.132/search?q=cache:eTq6LqNSzzsJ:racerelations.about.com/od/parentingrace/a/outofwedlock.htm+black+single+women+and+wedlock+statistics&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=us&client=firefox-a
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/07/AR2006100701070.html
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/07/22/single.black.women/index.html
@Pied Piper
Your missing the point the fact that their black kids out there is eveidence that black men and women are hooking up.
The question again is why are they not hooking up in marriage first.
And despite what you read that is not a black male problem, that is a black men and women problem.
The problem is women are under the impression that a man is obligated to throw a ring on your finger because you gave him sum, when it is more likely that because you gave him sum and he didnt have to earn it thats why he wont.
Cause there aint no value in something anyone can have to a black man, that goes back to the plantation.
As far as stats go I suggest you be careful cause those can be flipped to read any way you want them.
Like what are the hard numbers in comparison of race for out of wed lock births?
What are the socio-economic back grounds of those women and men?
What are the divorce rate of all those married couples?
People look at the high lights of those juicy stats and dont ask the hard questions behind them.
And exactly what is so different about your Nigerian features that makes you stand out fromm AA women in general?
What dark skin, we got that, big lips got that, nappy hair got that, big butt got that, flat nose got that too.
Unless your telling me Nigerians grow a third eye in the middle of their head and or have a tail.
But I would be hard press to believe you since I didnt see any of that in the ones I have dated.
I have been with African women that unless they opened their mouths you wouldnt know they were not AA women.
As far as “what you want”, men hear plenty about what women want and expect from a man, but women dont hear jack about what men want and how we want it.
But you know what I digress, I am not against IR relationships.
The bottom line is that you need to be with the one who loves you regardless of what color he or she is, there is nothing wrong with that and nothing to feel guilty about.
The problem is when you use tired stereotypes such as not enough good black men and so on as an excuse for dating white.
You dont need an excuse do what you do to secure your happiness, your obligated to your self.
Cause trust me black people are not going to disappear off the planet cause you married white.
the inhumanity of person trade is not in question. attention is drawn to how colonization affects present dating. people selling is a lasting societal institution. some wars yield slaves, consider Guantanamo Bay.
any given person is capable of fair and foul. with that regard, go with the numbers… be smart i guess?
it just makes me feel great to try
lonely or not in the mean time
I feel a special reward coming
and the day to day theater
of my own path reveals joy
pain and sunshowers
i’m not missing anything
i don;t need right now.
to me the ache is comparable to lifting free “waits.”
-Poppin
@Mike: Hooking up is not the issue. People of all races hook up. But hit it and quit it–and all too often, the ensuing child–does not an ideal family make, as we both both. And I don’t necessarily want to get into the “save it” or cow-milk-free thing because that is a personal/moral/religious choice. for some, sex outside of marriage is a deal breaker while for others, they won’t even talk to a woman if she’s saving it.** The problem is if you are seeing someone for a long time and feel you have a connection, it’s not unreasonable to want to take things to the next level of commitment, whether that be official relationship or YES, marriage. Why would he stick around all that time then? To blame a lack of commitment after a long time of being together on sleeping with her early reflects more on a man’s childishness, no?
This: “Cause there aint no value in something anyone can have to a black man, that goes back to the plantation” Okay, I kind of screamed when I read that. ABSOLUTELY.INFURIATING. 1) You spend all this time refuting valid claims based on hard cold facts and reducing them to mere stereotypes, yet you pull out this doozy. I mean, at least I’m using statistics and speaking in the present tense. You take it back to the days of the plantation! You are basically admitting to the lack of commitment and justifying it on the grounds of “earning” but I’m wrong when I point it out … 2) Sexist! So what, black women are all gung ho about rampant infidelity? And we are held to different standards when it comes to sexual (mis)conduct? Don’t blame your double standards and schizo views about sex on this bull! If you don’t want to date a woman who sleeps with you early on, don’t have sex early on!! period! or at least be more upfront with your intentions and beat it from the get go, if you’re that gangster. What is this, the 50′s? You speak of women as if they are objects,wanting them sit patient and virtuous for you.
And don’t use the “stats can be manipulated” strawman. I’m very well acquainted with statistics and gathering objective data and I’ve taken all of these factors into account. Even when all of the variables you mentioned (and more) are controlled, the statistics prove my point even further. This is a problem at all levels of the socioeconomic spectrum (and actually, the chances of a black woman being single increases the more educated and successful she is). And although blacks do have a higher than average divorce rate, what does that have to do with my points? I specifically referred to children born out of wedlock, and black women who have never been married. Can you seriously not tell that this is a problem? Can you seriously not look around and see the evidence? While, as I stated, 70% of black kids are born out of wedlock, only 27% of white kids are born out of wedlock.
By Nigerian, I am referring to the “typical” West African features that all blacks of the diaspora share, but also highlighting my lack of European/Indian/Asian ancestors that many African Americans have, thereby making me darker and have coarser hair than the vast majority of black americans (I’ve yet to meet a black American with hair coarser than mine). I don’t want to get distracted with this aspect because it’s irrelevant and I’m really not trying to differentiate africans from black americans but I will say this much: while there are BA who have prominent WA features, black americans definately have straighter hair and/or lighter skin on average so I’m not sure where you were going with your “we have that” spiel. But anyway, the color discrimination definitely isn’t a problem unique to african immigrants in the US, but dark black women (or at least non “exotic” looking bw) in general. I’m sorry if my use of Nigerian was confusing. Note, Im talking about west africans only. Black americans are descendents of west africans so I’m purposely excluding Ehtiopians, Eritreans, Egyptians, etc from this convo. So your dark skinned black (presumably west) African lady friends may look like your average dark skinned black girl next door but the point is she’s not the redbone/latina/exotic whatever and that’s the problem.
Look, I get the love is blind stuff etc etc and I’m seriously not trying to say all black women should date white men because black men are horrible. My prior statements and posts are to appeal to the women reluctant to consider men outside of the race because they feel it’s treasonous. All I’m doing is bringing up why this is impractical because of the odds of being single (I mean, how can you argue with a 7:10 bw to bm ratio)and why some of these cases exist. Black men appear to be a lot more open minded when it comes to IR so we should be too because we are being left behind, which is detrimental to the black family and therefore blacks at large.
**feminist aside: I think it’s more of a (black) man issue if he is all gung-ho about having sex early in the game but then judges the woman for being promiscuous later on. And unfortunately, in this age men tire quickly of/won’t even mess with “a prude” because hell, who has time for that when he’s in high demand. It’s the Catch-22 of being a female, ESPECIALLY when you are black …
VERY GOOD ARTICLE. I COMMEND YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY. I FOR ONE HAVE DATED MEN OF DIFFERENT RACES BUT I TOO FELT LIKE IT COULD GO NO FURTHER THEN THAT DUE TO THE FACT THAT WE CAME FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS. OVERALL, WE HAVE TO LEARN TO LOOK PAST THAT BECASUE WE COULD TRULY BE MISSING OUT ON OUR BLESSING. I HAVE YET TO FIND MY ONE TRUE LOVE BUT IM NOT GIVING UP HOPE! I KNOW HE’S OUT THERE AND I’M NOT LETTING ETHICAL ISSUES BE AN ISSUE! UNTIL THEN I WILL CONTINUE TO FINISH UP SCHOOL AND GET MY LIFE IN ORDER SO THAT I CAN BE THE YING TO HIS YANG =)
[...] popular Clutch Magazine website and what my opinion on the topic was. The writer was detailing her experience with interracial dating and how she’d been adverse to it initially, but eventually crossed over to the vanilla world [...]
Disgusting title; thoughtfully-written article. The bottom line, ladies (and gentlemen): do what’s best for you. If you are only willing to date AA for racial pride or other concerns, I can respect that decision.
As an AA woman, I’ve chosen to be open to IR dating for a couple of reasons… Men are men. My preference would be an AA man, however, they rarely approach or show interest in me (I can give a guy signals of interest, but I won’t pursue him – I firmly believe that men only value what they pursue).
Non-AA men are far more likely to show interest in me. I would literally never date, if I only dated AA men. (I live in the Los Angeles area; there’s no particular stigma attached to IR dating).
My reality is that I am most likely to end up with a non-AA man. I’m a proud AA woman and this possibility is somewhat sad to me, but I can’t block my chances for love, happiness, a meaningful relationship, and possibly marriage/family by ‘waiting’ for an AA man.
By the way: we’ve got some great AA men (my single brother is one of them), but ladies, we’ve got to tighten our game. I don’t want my brother with many of the AA women I see as walking stereotypes. No self-respect, so we’re the ones left with numerous children out of wedlock, screaming on Maury. These skanks ruin it for the rest of us and I’m sick of the silence on the near extinction of the AA family. We’re so worried about being ‘correct’ that we don’t call it as we see it – wrong! Marriage, then family, is the ideal (and I’m no Bible-thumper, just someone with common sense). Black people, let’s get our collective *ish* together! [whew, sorry for the tangent...]
^^^^YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD MISS V WITH “We’re so worried about being ‘correct’ that we don’t call it as we see it – wrong! Marriage, then family, is the ideal”
I’ve dated outside my race consistently for the past 7 years. None of the white men I dated/am dating (and half of them came directly from Europe) were/are my colonizer. This colonization bit happened a long time ago and involved different people. The white men I’ve dated have had my best interests in mind. If not, they didn’t last long.
I also have an issue with black women ONLY warming up the idea of dating white men because of the lack of available, suitable and marriage-minded black men (whether perceived or actual). This is like saying, “If I can’t get a black man to marry me, then I’ll see if a white man will.” I believe a lot of black women with this mindset think that white men are the solution to their chronic relationship woes and the magic pill to their loneliness. This is wholly unfair as it discounts the fact that there are many wonderful, responsible, and available white men who deserve to be considered as marriage partners based on these characteristics alone.However, this sort of mindset IS often THE means through which a many black women loosen the sort of social conditioning that dictates who they should and should not view as partners, lovers, and husbands. And it really is only social conditioning because nature doesn’t give a shit about skin color.
@Pied Piper,
Yes it is sexist, it’s a double standard, but it’s a man’s world I just follow the rules, and to be frank I like them.
“No lady whats pathetic and sad and out right disgusting is how you brought your own insecurities and baggage to an intelligent post with intelligent commentary and tried to turn it into a typical finger pointing contest between the black sexs complete with stereotypes.”
LOL @ Mike. In a typical black man’s eyes I am insecure if I point out that most of y’all have a color/hair/features complex and that excludes MANY black women from being considered “dimes” and worthy of marriage. You can deflect it back to me and my alleged “baggage” if you want, but you KNOW it is the truth. I also love how my comments aren’t intelligent because I am not another one of these MAMMIES trying to protect the black male ego. Sorry, the only black men I feel worthy of protection are the ones I know PERSONALLY. Including my very black HUSBAND. And even he can admit to the trifling nature of so many so-called “good” black men. Even he can see that a lot of his male friends tend to fawn over black women who are lighter or women of other races. Or the fact that many black men with children are perfectly OK with not living with them or being able to protect them from harm. They would rather be “free” to live their life and screw around while the woman they got PREGNANT is left holding the bag. Or the fact that a lot of black men do not see the benefits of marriage and stability when men of other races, even those in disenfranchised cultures, still see the benefit.
It is not about a battle of the sexes because in my eyes black men and women should never, ever be competing. But that also doesn’t mean that black men cannot be called out on their behavior. A lot of you so-called “good” black men want to blame the lack of black marriages on all the bad seeds: baby mamas, thugs, etc. But blacks from all socio-economic backgrounds seem to have the same trouble committing. And since women tend to rarely be the barrier to marriage it must be the men not wanting to GET MARRIED.
Pied Piper: Thank you for breaking it down w/o being ignorant. I agree that Black men think they are on the top of the totem pole, so they will do as they please…and for the most part, we let them.
“By no means am I attacking brothers. If you want to play the field until you are 40, that’s your prerogative.”
Biased much? I must say I know more strong black men who are ready to settle down than I know black women. Your past experiences undoubtedly shape your view. I am glad you have found love but I still disagree with this inaccurate, typical portrayal of Black men. Then again,if this is all you experienced in Atlanta I won’t judge you. My experience in Cleveland and DC have just been different.
Agree w/ Melissa that your experiences shape your view. Also that my experiences have taught me something completely different. I’ve had only 1 issue w/ committment in my experiences w/ black men. And that issue had NOTHING to do w/ the fact that he was black. It had everything to do with the timing and circumstances of the relationship, and the fact that we weren’t the ones for each other.
Does “Steve” like hearing that the only reason that you are w/ him is because you couldn’t find a “Black” man who would commit to you? That’s a little disrespectful. And ALL men want to feel respected. Hopefully the fact is: Steve is the MAN for you; not the WHITE MAN or the non-BLACK man for you. Why do you feel the need to justify dating a white man? Do what you feel, mama. -but stop trying to get everybody else on the bandwagon like it’s some new fad. True LOVE with the no color, income, height, etc. requirement is nothing new, honey. People have been doing what the heck they want for quite some time now, and they didn’t have to write some ‘convincing’ article to make themselves feel better about it.