Sleeping With Your Colonizer: When Love Takes You Into the Arms of the (White) Man

Sunday Feb 1, 2009 – by Natalie Nichols

Those of us in the know, know that love knows no color, no income minimum, height requirement, or educational background. However, for those of us who choose to date outside of our race, we are often the subject of intrigue and ridicule by our friends, family and general bystanders who feel the need to remark as loudly as possible, “You wouldn’t never catch me dating and kissing no white man!” To borrow a few of the words of our greatest national treasure, Miss Aretha Franklin, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

That’s a good segue into my story, because never in a million years could I have honestly imagined I’d end up with a white man. A lover of all things black men, and a childhood spent ogling the sexiest of the sexy on Video Soul, including Donnie himself — I saw my beautiful Black family fall victim to a drawn out divorce as a kid, and became vigilant to one day have a resilient and unfaltering Black family of my own. As I got older, I clung to this even more, realizing white boys served only two functions in life, face and cake. Beyond that, I was insistent no white man could ever really understand me for the intelligent yet, complex woman who existed at my core. More importantly, they could never relate to my struggles, for self love, acceptance and identity in a Eurocentric society. My narrow view of white men limited them to a good time and nothing more, certainly nothing worth taking seriously. I knew it was a strong brotha who would be the missing half, that would make us together a whole.

Yet, as I began to seriously consider leaving the playing field to settle down with my brown sugar boo, I found it was the brothers who were missing something. For every woman it’s different — the one component we are not willing to compromise on, a fatal flaw if you will. For some it’s a job, a self-esteem, a degree, but for me it was simple willingness to want to settle down, to commit. During this time I dated some of the most fabulous Black men the city of Atlanta had to offer: successful, sexy, charming, well-endowed. But sometimes, indulging in the honey pot makes you wake up and realize you want maple syrup. It seemed, for one reason or another, that they all had an explanation for why they were just not yet ready to settle down. I’m willing to admit, maybe it was me. Perhaps a fearless ambitious woman who knows what she wants, including a family, was too much for the new millennium Black man to handle.

So by chance I accepted a dinner invitation from a long time friend, we’ll call him Steve. Steve and I had gone out on a date before, but I was so uncomfortable and worried who might see me with this white man, I couldn’t enjoy myself. Steve had even tried on previous occasions to tell me that he liked me, but I was so busy chasing some Black boy who wanted nothing to do with me I couldn’t even feign interest. Plus, Steve was my honest-to-God friend. I just wasn’t sure how the “I can’t date you because your white” rationale would have went over. So I stopped returning his emails and went into hiding for two years.

However, I digress.

A chance meeting at a night club led to our first official date. Since then, I’ve been living on cloud nine. I had found my Dr. Feelgood.

Yet, the cadre of brothers, who back then didn’t want me, now had a lot to say. Most of it to the tune of, “how come you and I never worked out?” Meanwhile a good portion of my girlfriends (while also taking a left down hater avenue) had questions like, “whats it like with a white dude?“, “I’ve never seen you so happy, what has this guy done to you?”, and my personal favorite, “he’s cute, does he have any friends?“

As expected, my biggest concern was the reaction of my family, seeing as my father forbade us to attend my cousin’s wedding when she chose to marry a white man. Then there was my mother who had admonished me on more than one occasion as a kid growing up to stop thinking that I could act like those “white folks”. In a startling surprise twist of fate my family loved him from day one. Steve is now my Dad’s favorite drinking buddy. My mother, grandmother and aunts all took to him immediately. They were duly impressed by the way he treated me and ironically enough, were each still nursing their own bitter wounds left from Black men who left them with a house full of children to raise and no emotional or financial support in the wake of their departure.

Let me be clear. By no means am I attacking brothers. If you want to play the field until you are 40, that’s your prerogative. In fact, this is an all-out attack on my sista-friends and our ridiculous refusal to look for love outside the realm of our own race. It doesn’t have to be a white guy; I am imploring you to cross the cultural barrier and date an African, a Mexican man, yes, even an Asian man! So many of us are looking for love, yet if it ain’t Boris, Idris or Will Smith, we are not interested. There are men of all colors and backgrounds who have something to offer. If you know in your heart that you are a passionate, loving woman who brings some strong credentials to the table, why not try reaching out to the other side?

Mike says:

February 6, 2009 at 4:43 pm

@Hollywood,

Lets be upfront, no your comment was not intelligent, not because you you pointed out the flaws in a minority group of men, it was unintelligent because you tried to make that flaw a part of the character of ALL black men and the sole reason why they refused to get married and than you intentionally ignored that the failure of a relationship is a two way street and women are not innocent victims of it but active participants.

That is understanding it takes two to tango not stroking black male ego’s.

In other words if he doesnt want to marry YOU he has a good damn reason not to.

And skin tone is probably not on top of the list.

Unless you know every black man walking the planet and were in the middle of their failed relationships to know that it was their fault that it failed than you are not qualified to say what the TRUTH is. Just what your experiences are which is ironic since your MARRIED to a “black man”.

Because you are that narrowly focused on blaming the issue, if there is blame to place, at the feet of black men and than to place white men as the answer to the problem, who funny enough because of the world they crafted and the white privlege they enjoy in society, regardless if they owned slaves or were colonizers have contributed to if not created the problem, yes because of that you got baggage regardless of what you say.

But thats OK I have spent way to much time on this topic, Im done.

↑ Reply

White Devil says:

February 8, 2009 at 1:09 am

Gosh, so “Blacks” (whatever that means) are racists just like “Whites” (whatever that means).

NiKo says:

February 8, 2009 at 5:24 pm

This article rings true for the most part. The state of the black man in 2009 is an unbearable one. As an African American woman, I realized a lot of black men date and marry women of the opposite race. I am fine with that. However;
we are expected to be with a black man. If we dare venture out of the brown sugar cube we are taunted and harassed.

I am a lover of all races and no longer wait for my “chocolate prince charming.” My girlfriends and I discuss our epiphanies and have decided that in 2009 anything goes; White, Indian, Jewish, Asian etc. We have become a rainbow coalition! LOL

Love is Love!

Kari says:

February 10, 2009 at 2:42 pm

This article was really good. I, too, was one of those girls who never looked twice at a white guy. I dated tons of guys but all black….and all turned out to be a mess.

I attend a predominantly white college and I find myself in a room of faceless men every time I walk into a room full of white people (in contrast to always searching every male face for attraction when in a room full of black people). One day, I started dating a white man (not at my school) and he was GREAT TO ME. He was soooooo wonderful.

HOWEVER, after the first white guy, I found myself attracted to another one and he was JUST LIKE the black men you described: unwilling to commit to one woman. Now he has a baby on the way.

So, while this is VERY good column, let’s not be disillusioned. Dogs come in ALL breeds.

Keli says:

February 11, 2009 at 3:52 pm

I must admit I was a little skeptical at first about reading this article, but am glad I did. I am a young african-american female and even in my family I am constantly hearing my aunt tell us to “date with-in our race”. Why should I be limited to just only black men? Dont get me wrong there are good black men out there…but most of my harsh experiences have been learned by them and honestly I am tired of it! I too will now keep an open eye because color is just that COLOR! It does not reflect upon our inner beings.

sloane says:

February 13, 2009 at 3:07 pm

@mike- yea, i’m sure you do love the sexist status quo, especially if it benefits your chauvinistic ass. i mean what are you even doing here if you’re not even open to learning the black woman’s experience but are committed to shoving your sexist agenda down our throats. get over yourself, read some of those damn statistics so that you can get your “facts” straight, and f**king listen when women who are living this experience try to tell you about it. you just don’t understand that you have no right to tell a black woman how to react in the face of sexism, racism, and colorism from her own damn community. and if still you can’t GET what you’re hearing, then shut up, because the constructive conversation will continue on with or without you AND your antiquated views.

Maria says:

February 13, 2009 at 6:05 pm

“Mike’s” contribution to the debate became irrelevant after this

“Yes it is sexist, it’s a double standard, but it’s a man’s world I just follow the rules, and to be frank I like them.”

Siditty says:

February 14, 2009 at 9:15 am

I am married to a white man, and we have been together nine years. His family has been nothing but welcoming and accepting of our relationship. They credit me with making him mature into the person he is now. His family was way more accepting than mine. He is the most wonderful man I have ever been with, regardless of race. He has been there through all the ups and downs, he supported my decision to go back to school, and we are expecting our first child.

To BigBlackPants

I don’t know if most black men are scared to commit, but the numbers are staggering, it seems that the norm within the black community is to have children without the benefit of marriage. I see it in my own family, at least this generation of women. It seems my aunts, uncles, parents, and grandparents all managed to have relationships in which the men were committed. I think that in the 1970s and 1980s, is when things started to change. Of all my cousins who have children, none of them are married to the parent of their children, the majority aren’t married at all. It seems SOME black men want to assume that the concept of failed relationships is the fault of black women alone, but if we have generations of black men and black women who grew up in homes without father’s how is it that it is the black woman’s fault that relationships fail, that children of these failed relationships exist? Why are black marriage rates for men and women so low? Shouldn’t we look both at black men and black women for the blame, instead of trying to say it is all on the black woman? If a woman gets into a marriage and her husband ups and leaves the family, failing to provide because he is now out of the picture, how is that the woman’s fault exclusively?

To William:

I always hear about how black women suck their teeth and give looks of death to black men and white women together, but it kills me to no end the comments, stares, and nastiness I get from the very black men and white women in these relationships, when they realize I am a with a white man. I had a black man at Ikea try to kill himself to make himself known to me to show me his wife, he then looked crazy when my husband came up next to me to help me with my basket. I wasn’t even paying attention, as I don’t care who anyone of any races dates, it is all good to me, but it kills me we always want to focus on how black women react to interracial relationships, but never do we ever want to discuss black men acting a damn fool when a black women has a white man on her arm and a ring to match. The novelty of race wears off over time, I don’t wake up in the morning looking at my husband wondering “look at that white man”. I got past that years ago.

To Mike:

I got married because I love my husband we were together four years before we got married, we were engaged three of those years. We are compatible in every way, he is the most wonderful, sweet, caring man ever, yes he is flawed in some ways, but I am too, so are most folks. Yeah I get mad when he leaves his empty glasses on the coffee table, but I can’t get over it. I didn’t have a big wedding, I had mine at a bed and breakfast, I didn’t marry for money. My husband made less than me when we first started dating, he was a broke college student who worked full time in a customer service job, he no longer does customer service, makes a lot more money, but money wasn’t why we got together. The kid is coming nine years later, by the time the kid is born, it will have been ten years together. Please don’t make assumptions about what women want, without knowing the truth. Some of us women marry for love, I know I did.

I also don’t get how men can be slutty and promiscuous, but women can’t. What makes you think a woman wants a man that has slept with all kinds of women and obtained all kinds of STDs? Your mentality is why there is an HIV epidemic in the black community.

To Stillonthefence:

Just because someone marries interracially, does not mean they have forgotten their history, nor does it mean we pretend that racism has subsided and no longer exists. If anything, people in IR should be more aware of it, because you get it from both sides.

To Hollywood,

I agree, it seems that today’s mantra is that black men are to be protected while black women are to be vilified for all the wrongs of the black community.

Read the “color complex” in regards to colorism within the black community, it is alarming that people continue to deny it exists.

February 14, 2009 at 9:53 pm

I thought I was done with this but since my name has popped up let me respond.

@sloane

Who the hell are you kidding?

1- I ain’t shoving jack down your throat you can choose to read it or ignore it, that’s fine with me.

But if I choose to read about subjects like this you better believe I am going to speak my mind.

I ain’t shutting up for no one least of all you.

2- Any statistic put out there only tells a portion of the story and omits all causes allowing people like you to come up an swear they know the reason for the problems and sell a simple solution as an answer for a complex problem if there is a problem at all.

3- “you just don’t understand that you have no right to tell a black woman how to react in the face of sexism, racism, and colorism from her own damn community”

WTF?

Did you read any of my comments or did you pick out what you WANTED to hear?

Where the hell did you see in my comments that I am telling black women what to do?

What I clearly communicated is that YOU CAN NOT SPEAK FOR BLACK MEN ON WHY THEY CHOOSE NOT TO BE MARRIED.

Only black men can do that and that if YOU LISTENED you would find out why.

And as typical when a black man does speak there is some one like you to cry foul because you don’t like what your hearing because it doesn’t fit nice and tight in into the life you live.

@Maria

Yes I do like them because they benefit me, that’s how I think.

That’s how most men think, “whats in it for me?”.

That’s how you should be thinking if your smart.

@Siditty

1- Yeah, I misspoke when I said that women married for reasons other than love, my bad.

2- As for “I also don’t get how men can be slutty and promiscuous, but women can’t.”

First there is a difference in having sex in a monogamous relationship and moving on to the next when it doesn’t work versus banging every dude that smiles at you.

I can understand the first, I do the first (it just so happens my relationships end pretty quickly).

That’s the problem right there, women shouldn’t accept it, just like men dint.

I damn sure will not, because a woman that can be had by anybody ain’t worth anything to me.

3- “What makes you think a woman wants a man that has slept with all kinds of women and obtained all kinds of STDs? Your mentality is why there is an HIV epidemic in the black community.”

So you deny that a woman is more accepting of a “playa” than a man would be of a woman?

Because that exactly whats going on.

And the cause of y’all own damn headaches.

And don’t give me that crap about my mentality being the cause of the HIV epidemic in MY community.

Unprotected sex is the CAUSE of the spread of HIV and that disease spreads from person to person thus BOTH PARTIES ARE AT FAULT.

You treat sex like boxing protect your self at all times.

Now for those reading my comments let me say I have nothing against IRers, my mother married a white dude, I could care less cause she is happy and being happy is what I say.

How ever if you are dating some one of another race and it’s followed by an explanation other than that I fell in love with him or her the person than your full of it.

If you wanted something else and married something else than that’s settling.

If your going to try to pass the buck on to black men as to why you do what you do than your full of it as well.

If you blog, write, debate, discuss, chat, speak about issues affecting black community and decide to leave out or ignore the opinion of one segment, in this case black men, than your full of it.

And sit there and spout off “facts” with out taking a look at them with a critical eye than your full of it.

“Condemnation WITHOUT INVESTIGATION is the height of ignorance”

Now I am seriously done with this one.

Gloryus says:

February 15, 2009 at 4:49 am

I found this blog through Siditty’s blog (hey girl lol). I’m a Nigerian (West African) woman who has only dated interracially for all my dating life. I honestly think it’s so silly how people in the US make a BIG deal out of interracial dating. Yes, back in Nigeria, there are some parents who EXPECT their kids who study abroad to marry other Nigerians, but I like to think that for the most part, people find love wherever they find love….. sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesnt.
White men are just MEN… there’s nothing so ‘sacred’ or ‘special’ about them that some black women feel the need to think over before dating one lol. Of course you still have to ‘vet’ him as a man but some of you take the whole race thing to a completely different level. I’ve seen other interracial marriages back in Nigeria (mostly with white British men and Nigerian women), so really it’s NOT a big deal.
I do hate when I go out with my guy and receive some not so pleasant stares though. I NEVER have had a problem seeing black men on the arms of non-white women, but for some weird reason, I get the negative reactions when it’s me who’s seen with a white bf. That’s really unnecessary, especially coming from strangers…. most of whom are black men.
I say love comes in ALL colours…. we are all humans, capable of giving and receiving love. I do encourage those black women who are tired of being single to explore the world of interracial and intercultural dating. You never know what’s out there.

February 15, 2009 at 4:51 am

correction: I never have had a problem seeing black men on the arms of white or nonblack women but for some weird reason, I get the negative reactions when it’s me who’s seen with a white bf.

February 16, 2009 at 3:04 am

@mike-”What I clearly communicated is that YOU CAN NOT SPEAK FOR BLACK MEN ON WHY THEY CHOOSE NOT TO BE MARRIED.”

THIS is where you got it all wrong. you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself (oops, too late), not one iota of this story or is this entire website, is about black men. this website is for and about black women. and with the dearth of ANYTHING that caters to us, there aint a damn thing wrong with it. maybe you’re confused, but while a black man’s actions may have figured into the writer’s actions, THIS story on THIS here website is about the internal tug of war many black women have with themselves over interracial dating. and you’re sitting up here trying to turn a story of how black women and white men relate to each other in this country and turn it into “why won’t black men commit?” conversation while also flippantly refuting everything that black women, who are actually living this experience as opposed to you( unless you’ve transitioned into woman) who is not, with half-truts (as opposed to factual statistics) and sexist bullshit rhetoric. i mean really, how dare you and where the fuck do you get off? you don’t just need to shut up, you need to shut the fuck up and fucking love it there. maybe if you’re quiet for a fucking second you’ll begin to understand just how out of line you are.

btw, what simple solution to a complex problem? those statistics, just state the facts and help to illuminate and educate people about particular issues. after that its up to people to come up with solutions to the questions asked by statistics and research. i mean, what, do you have some kind of problem with facts and cogent research? or is “Any statistic put out there only tells a portion of the story and omits all causes ” just what you say when you can’t deal with REALITY staring you right in the face?

and can i just say that i find it EXTREMELY laughable that you would for one single solitary minute think that bullshit commentary like “Yes it is sexist, it’s a double standard, but it’s a man’s world I just follow the rules, and to be frank I like them.” is a constructive, reasoned solution to anything on any level. YOU DON’T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON. i’ll take a statistic over your ass backwards half-truths and assumptions about black women, white men, black men, what’s sexually appropriate for black women (or black men), or anything else. you’re a chauvinstic idiot, either you can go handle that issue and come back with something INTELLIGENT to say or you can just shut the fuck up and stew in your ignorance without exposing the rest of us to it’s toxicity.

Black Women and Marriage–A Dream Deferred? - Get ‘Em Girls says:

February 17, 2009 at 10:56 am

[...] off to the possibilities of finding love outside of our race? Clutch recently did an article on interracial dating that got some mixed reviews and started some pretty heated debates–but for me the answer [...]

chloe says:

February 18, 2009 at 6:53 pm

There’s been a significant decline in marriage rates between white European males and white European females. Does this mean that white men are “no good comittment-phobes” who want to simply hit it and quit it? Has the media gone to lengths to depict white women as loud, ugly ball busters whom even their own men can’t stand? In Norway, 49% of all children are born out of wedlock. But in America, we are told that this is a black phenomenon; indicative of a crisis within the black community. How can this be if marriage rates among all groups are plummeting across the globe? What this is is an attempt by the mainsteam media to pit black men against black women and frame it as an exclusively black issue.

The reality is the highest increase in interracial dating in the US is among white men. White men are increasingly rejecting white women for Hispanic and Asian women. Yet, few magazine articles ask white women why white men are rejecting them. Their numbers don’t become fodder for print editorials and prime time specials.

Fact is, 94% of all married black men are married to black women. Despite attempts to distort this reality and portray the Obama’s as an anomaly, the stats speak for themselves. Black men are less likely than Hispanic men to marry outside their race and the least likely among Hispanic and Asian men to marry white women.

We keep hearing about the black community rejecting the notion of a black woman with a white man but what of the lack of acceptance of a non-white in-law within the white community? Why aren’t all of these white spouses penning similar diatribes against the white establishment and how it views interracial marriage? Why didn’t “Steve” feel the need to similarly degrade white women to justify his choice?

As enlightened as black women who marry white men say they are, their words tell a different story. They reveal a deep seated self-hatred that is still telling them that white is right, black get back. How else can one explain the multitude of “why my white man is better than all those no good triffling black men” articles? It can’t be explained away as bitterness stemming from heartache as white men have had their hearts broken by white women too. What makes black womens bitterness different is that it’s wholly focused on skin color. Where a single, bitter white woman will say that no good men exist, a single, bitter black women will say that no good black men exist.

We focus on race because of internalized racism…a pattern not seen in white relational conflicts as race isn’t considered a factor. Our experiences are clouded by this to the point that we can’t talk about dating white men without degrading black men and that speaks volumes.

CrimsonMoon says:

February 19, 2009 at 2:59 am

Pied Piper: THANK YOU for expressing your thoughts, b/c I guess I don’t have the energy to express mine as clearly as you did. I also VEHEMENTLY disagreed with most of Stillonthefence’s comments and wanted to say many of the things you said, including West Africans being part of the slave trade. HELLO!

Stillonthefence: although I respect your pride and respect for ancestry/heritage/family, I didn’t like the condescending tone of your post. Folks have been writing and exploring what love is for a gazillion years, and you, I or anyone else isn’t going to easily dissect and label it. And thinking we can, especially FOR others, is arrogant. Furthermore, you were the one that said not to judge 1 black man or even a few, and have their poor behavior represent the entire population of black men. So why the double standard w/a white guy? Maybe he’s just ignorant, foolish or whatever but really you can’t have him the representative of all white boys.

I’ve dated as much outside of my race as I have within it. I don’t see color when I’m with the men, I see THEM. Period. Obviously others like family members haven’t always seen it like me… but I won’t carry their issues. CHARACTER not COLOR works fine for me.

February 19, 2009 at 3:05 am

“As enlightened as black women who marry white men say they are, their words tell a different story. They reveal a deep seated self-hatred that is still telling them that white is right, black get back.”

WOW. That’s a bold assumption to make. My close friend recently started dating a white man, after ending her 7 year-going nowhere relationship with a black man. She is an absolutely beautiful dark skinned woman who pretty much dated black men her whole life with maybe the exception of 1 white guy beforehand who was a close friend. I’ve known her for 10 years and if there’s any “self hatred” there, I haven’t seen it. I’ll ask her what she thinks about this assumption and post back.

February 20, 2009 at 10:22 am

That’s fine Crimson, just make sure you present the statement in context instead of pretending that you didn’t notice the rest.

[quote]“As enlightened as black women who marry white men say they are, their words tell a different story. They reveal a deep seated self-hatred that is still telling them that white is right, black get back. How else can one explain the multitude of “why my white man is better than all those no good triffling black men” articles? It can’t be explained away as bitterness stemming from heartache as white men have had their hearts broken by white women too. What makes black womens bitterness different is that it’s wholly focused on skin color. Where a single, bitter white woman will say that no good men exist, a single, bitter black women will say that no good black men exist.

I have no problem with black women dating whomever they want, I just find it telling and unfortunate that they, as opposed to their white counterparts, feel the need to demean black men in the process. Given the numbers of white men involved in interracial relationships versus black women, I’d expect more balance. Granted, if a white male married to a black woman did pen a diatribe blaming white women for his past relationship failures, I doubt if any mainstream white publication would print it. They have a vested interest in preserving and promoting the white family unit as the ideal. To exalt a black women at the expense of a white woman is taboo in white society. It’s an unspoken caveat that even the “Steves” of the world respect. They don’t justify their dating choices by degrading their mothers, sisters and daughters and reducing them to stereotypes which although commendable, is expected given that they aren’t socialized to view each other the way that we are socialized to view each other.

lexibugg says:

March 31, 2009 at 7:16 pm

wwant to hear something ironic, i never felt some comfortable in my own skin, and happy just as i am until i met and married my husband. he loves and understands me more than anyone else ever has, ever!! he grew up with his mother on a reservation in eastern washington, and was the only white child in the community, he understands what is like to be ostricized, and hated for simpliy being who you are, for having a different skin color. his mother started a black history week and taught the kids about their culture, and african american culture before MLK had a holiday or there was a black history month. i remeber whe i cut off relaxed locks even though they rested comfortably between my shoulder blades, and he was so suportive and happy for me, because he saw and understood the stress and pain being conflicted about my hair caused me. he loves my curl, nappy hair. i used to hide from to sun out of fear of getting darker, now i feel free to lay out in the sun and acumulate as much excess pigmentation as possible, and he sits by and watches the sun sparkle and reflect off of my skin. his family is very loving and welcoming. every summer week visit his dad and step mom at their lodge, last summer we camped and hiked in the Walouwa mountain on the orgeon idaho border. my family love him, especially my little brother, he’s autistic and ever time he see a white guy he thinks his my husband, and he says “is that my brother in law.” my point is that it is possible for you to be in an interacial relationship, and not have it be an issue. the only people that have a problem with it are usually black. i can’t tell you how many time me and my former boyfriend were out on the town and ignorant black men would blatently disrespect him, by trying to talk to me as if he wasn’t there, or black people would say things like stay away from those devils. Older black people obviously not from the northwest stare, they must be accustomed to seeing black men and white women, but not so much the contrary. my issue with black men stem from child hood, not because of self hate, or internalized racism, if you are subjected to repeated rapes, molestation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, witness one uncle literally pimp,degrade,demean, and another procreate with multiple women then play mind games and pit them against each other, as if he ceasar over seeing the gladiator of the colosseum, and this was all before the age of nine, you would be alittle hesistant to welcome the(perceived) monster into you bed,heart,etc. then i meet my father for the first time, and lets just say my nickname for him is adolph, and i am sure he is a sociopath but i guess thats a result of watch his dad shot his mother in the head as a child. the two years i spent living with him left me suicidal at eleven. i tried to O.D on painkillers, drink oven cleaner, listerine, and slit my wrist with scissors, and i also had some lil’ punk call me a charcol bricket everyday of the sixth grade.say what you will but,its opperant conditioning. the same part of you brain that controls your fight or flight response, and the developement of anxiety disorders. if you experience something unpleasant, be it a social interaction, a food allergy, or being attacked by a dog, you brain is going to take steps to protect you from harm,or what it perceives as a dangerous situation this happened while i was still a child and i only recently fully realized it. but that not why i am with a white man, thats just why i am not romanticly involved with a black man i am with my husband because he makes me happy, we love each other, we are best friends, but he just happens to be white. i have dated a guys from panama,tonga,the philipines, various parts of asia, even a native from Barrow, Alaska. i also grew up in a very diverse family, there was never any stigma surrounding whites or any one else,my great grandfather was irish, my mothers father was quapaw, and all of my uncles children are mulitethnic, as well as my aunts!!! i have never in a predominantly black neighborhood, so maybe that has something to do with it as well, then again maybe i am just of a different generation and i may live in a different region of the country than most of the other posters??!?!?!!!!

Sleeping With Your Colonizer: When Love Takes You Into the Arms of the (White) Man | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color « Dear Social Diary says:

September 19, 2010 at 8:39 pm

[...] Sleeping With Your Colonizer: When Love Takes You Into the Arms of the (White) Man | Clutch Magazine…. [...]

Kamaria says:

September 29, 2011 at 6:05 am

Mike, you really do need to shut the fuck up and keep it moving. I am all for people honest opinions and insight but yours lack intelligence, humility and understanding in spades. You need to do yourself and everyone on here a favor and stop while your behind. You’re only making a good point and reason as to why black women need too date outside of their ethnic group asap.