Standard Practice
According to Shawn Garrett, a single and successful thirty plus African-American male, there are no “real” black men today because there are no “real” black women. Of course, Shawn considers himself the exception to his own rule, though his argument is no excuse.
His theory regarding the lack of black love and marriage is a result of the low standards some black women have consciously and subconsciously set for themselves. He believes women ultimately hold all the power in a relationship and can easily “teach” a man how to treat her. He further admits a man will do anything for a woman that he values, which always leaves him questioning why some women don’t raise the bar. As I proudly digested his philosophy on the power women hold, I began to wonder how many of us are actually aware of this power and more importantly why don’t we exercise it more often.
Although Shawn’s theory does not excuse black men’s relationship behaviors or lack there of, it does give question to some of the “standard practices” we black women often communicate.
What are we really saying when we accept the title of baby mother instead of wife? Or what does it mean when we take him back after numerous cheating acts and discrepancies? Or even worse, continue to date him even though he is “unhappily” married or committed to someone else?
Are we settling for less for the sake of just having a man? Are we like candles, sensual and alluring only to be burned? Has the self-esteem of our women fell so low we accept little to nothing just to have something?
Regardless of the reason, our overall standards always have room for improvement. Whether they are currently high and need to be maintained or temporarily low and need to be uplifted; developing the habit of possessing and upholding standards should be customary in everything we do.
Either purposely or inadvertently, our tolerances become our standards. Our leniency ultimately dictate the treatment we receive, often resulting in bitterness, pain and mistrust. To combat mistreatment and disappointments we must set standards and communicate them without shame or insecurity. Our standards are ultimately a direct reflection of our self-esteem. When they’re set low, we invite less than average treatment and destructive and toxic relationships. We can’t always play victim every time we get “played” or when our expectations are not met. We must begin to write our own script, practice playing the director and set the stage for the performances we want. As we direct our show, we must be sure to create a cast of honesty, respect for self, worthiness and communication. The entire production is completely in our hands, how we present it will determine the audience we attract.
In gaining this director seat power Shawn Garrett so affectionately bestowed on us, our theater of esteem will produce nothing less than a Broadway hit!
Just remember at the end of each play when the curtains come down to give yourself a Standard Ovation!
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So true, now a days blck women especially we dont reach for the best, and thats what we deserve!
Dido, if we don’t set high standards then how do we expect to get quality.
So ironic, my boyfriend and I were discussing this topic earlier today and he stated that women really possess more power than they realize, ect. There is so much truth to this, especially regarding self esteem and self worth.
My only problem with his philosophy is him saying that we as women can easily ‘teach’ men how to treat a woman. Since when am i supposed to supply a lesson plan on respect and common decency? I do believe that self-esteem is at the core of this problem. But if i am treating myself with self worth and self respect, i don’t feel i need to go the extra mile to teach someone how to respect me as well. I respect myself, therefor i respect you, if you in turn do not respect me, then that turns into your own problem. Women do hold a ton of power in a relationship, but at some point men must take responsibility as well. Just sayin’.
I agree with Lola B. that we have so much power and we do not even realize it. I think this article is interesting and I believe we as women should put ourselves first…..meaning we need to take better care of ourselves..i.e. self-esteem, self-love, etc. I don’t like these stats that society says about black women; it just adds to the negativity society has about black women. Furthermore, I think everyone has insecurity issues but sometimes I think it is the black man who has more insecurities than us and sometimes try to make us feel like we are the bad one.
Black women we are the best!!!!!! Please believe that and do not let anyone tell you any different. :)
Love this although I wish there a little more to it. I think we accept mediocrity way too much-from everyone. People tend to rise to the expectations that you set for them, so why not set a high expectation in the beginning. I believe that if we do this regularly, a lor of the “problems” that we have identified in our community would subside at least a little.
@ Morg-it is not a matter of having a lesson plan. The concept actually applies to everyone, not just men. You teach everyone how to treat you in the way that you treat yourself and others. From what you said, you already teach people how to treat you. You just refer to it differently. Kudos to you!
Absolutely. I think this goes nicely with the sleeping with your colonizer article. I would be careful of thinking we have to date outside of our race only because black men aren’t willing to commit. They may not be willing to commit to you because they don’t feel you are worth it. Look deeper at the issue instead of putting a band-aid on it.
Men need to take responsibility, too. I attribute the majority of this issue not to women and poor judgement, but the pool of good men is increasingly getting smaller and smaller and unfortunately women are letting go of their standards just to catch one.
Men, get it together and respect the women and principally respect yourself. Take care of your business and quit making women have to lower their standards for you.
Yes Morg…I agree with you!
LADIES LADIES LADIES!!!! IF we don’t stand for SOMETHING, we will fall for ANYTHING!!! …that’s the mantra i’ve always lived by…is why i am happily single!!!…it takes quality to recognize quality and until God is ready to give me what he has in store for me…all the baby daddies can KEEP IT MOVIN’…*giddyUp!
LOL @ this article.
There are so few good black men out there (yeah, I said it, there are very few!) that sisters are so desperate to snag one they are willing to deal with the cheating and the lying and sharing.
I don’t count baby daddy’s and thugs and criminals and the unemployed as even worthy of a mate so once you take away all those the pickings are pretty slim.
And all the so-called “good” men do not want to date the average black woman anyway. They feel entitled to a “dime” or some other mess so that’s even fewer men for the average black woman. We all know the numbers are skewed: after 25 black women begin to outnumber black men almost 4:1. In some places it’s even higher like 6:1. So the reason there is no “black love” is because there are few gainfully employed, emotionally-sound, non color struck, non sexist black men available. Period.
But y’all can keep blaming black women or rationalizing some other nonsense. ANd black men please stop trying to tell black women why they are single and what they need to do to not be single. You need to focus on your “brothers” and help them become quality mates for all these single ladies!
Im shocked by how readily the women on this site accepted responsibility for the situation between blackmen/women, and all it took was a man telling you where you’ve been going wrong all this time LMAO… did you buy the one about him pulling out before he comes as well!
I dont deny that women need to set high standards with regards to how they want to be treated and I have a lot of friends who do just that and the majority are alone or dating white guys!
Lets consider the kind of women that black men fall into the arms of in order to get away from us triflin’, worthless nappy headed, bad attitude, overweight………the list of the black womans negative attributes is endless.
1. Kim Kardashian- She starred in a video where A MAN PISSED ALL OVER HER!!!!!! But SHE will make the ideal wife for Reggie boy.
2. Heidi Klum- She started dating Seal when she was pregnant with another mans child, a child that that man wasnt claiming without a paternity test.
3. Idina Menzel- I have no evidence to cooberate this….but I think she used to be a man.
4. Anyone who has been on Jerry Springer- And they dont seem to have trouble getting hitched 4,5,6,7 times.
In this millennium its finally acceptable for a black man to date a white woman without fear of being lynched and the brothers are taking full advantage of that and I for one support them in this choice because I have no time for a person who has so much self-hatred that he cant bear the sight of his female counterpart. But to suffer this indignity and take the blame for it is adding insult to injury.
As everyone has pointed out, this is a self esteem issue, and with all the negative bs that black women have to deal with in the mainstream media, I cant see the value in finger pointing articles like this that erode our esteem even further. Why didnt you just call it “Reason no.146 Why Black Women Aint Shit…”
@Hollywood- “But y’all can keep blaming black women or rationalizing some other nonsense. ANd black men please stop trying to tell black women why they are single and what they need to do to not be single. You need to focus on your “brothers” and help them become quality mates for all these single ladies!”
PREACH!
First, speaking from experience, no one can do anything to you that you don’t allow. Whatever you go through in a relationship, understand that you always have a choice. Second, we can “teach” men how to treat us by the presence we have in a relationship. I agree with menotu 100%. It’s not about a lesson plan, it’s about our behavior in relation to theirs. Men are very simple creatures. If you don’t put up with behavior that you don’t like, then they won’t do it. If he calls you at 11:30 every night wanting to come over and you say that’s not okay but you let him come over, then guess what, he’s gonna keep doing it. Ladies, we do have more power in a relationship than we realize, and it’s not just about sexuality.
I wish black men would just stop giving all these fake a@% reasons as to why they run to “Becky Sue”… The bottom line is this: black men do not want to be questioned about anything, they want someone to wait on them hand and feet while they lay on the sofa all day with the remote control flipping from channel to channel, they want to WORK when they want to work… BUT expect YOU to get up every morning and hit the clock, they don’t want to be held accountable for anything, and they want someone who will agree with them on everything as well as someone who they can talk to any kind of way —- So for this, I say to the brothers, go ahead and get with Becky Sue BECAUSE Jayda Simone (and a whole lot of other sisters out here ain’t going for none of this)!!!!! Yes, we may have some attitude problems…but perhaps it may have a little to do with US being tired of picking yo a@$ up from the train station everytime we go somewhere, OR, from loaning (or should I say giving) you money everytime we get paid, OR, tired of having to visit you at yo mama’s house… or, calling you and yo mama answering YOUR phone, or inviting you over for a nice evening JUST for you to show up with nothing but a hard
d!@k….AND, getting up the next day just to do THIS all over again!!!!!!! Maybe, just maybe, this is were some of the attitude is coming from!
Just SET UP and be a REAL MAN!!!
NOTE: not all brothers…but MOST!!!!!!
Very interesting. But what the heck is a “standard ovation?”
Very well said and I totally agree with him.
And @soul kiss – I think it was a play on the title and a reference to a standing ovation. =)
I THINK THAT IT GOES 50/50 WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS. YOU GOT TO GIVE A LITTLE TO GET A LIL AND THIS GOES FOR BOTHE SIDES OF THE TABLE YA DIGG!! WOMEN DO NEED TO RAISE THEIR STANDARDS BUT MEN ALSO NEED TO GET THEY ASS ON A STRAIGHT LINE AND NOT EXPECT TO BE SPOON FEED EVVERY 5 SECONDS. MEN AND WOMEN NEED TO START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOOUR OWN SHIT. YES HE/SHE MAY HAVE DONE THAT AND THIS BUT YOU MUST REALIZE WHAT DID TOO AND TRY TO BETTER YOURSELF.IF YOU FEEL YOU WERE ALL YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE WITHOUT SWEATING BLOOOD THEN SHIT MOVE ON AND TRY AGAIN. I DO AGREE WITH MARIA BUT AGAIN THIS ALL STARTS WITH A WOMAN….GUESS WHO…MAMA!!!!
SO IT MAY NOT BE YOUR FAULT IT MAY BE MAMAS FAULT SO NOT ONLY SINGLE WOMEN WATCH YOU ACTIONS BUT MOTHERS WATCH YOURS TOO CAUSE YOU JUST MAY TRAMATIZE UR POOR BOY INTO.. GOD KNOWS WHAT. BUT AGAIN ALSO 50/50 IF MAMA SPOILS YO ASS YOU NEED TO GROW UP SOME DAY AND STOP BLAMING YO GIRL 4 HER ATTITUDE…GET YO ASS UP OUT MAMAS HOUSE THEN DAMN.
Great article! Very interesting.