Let’s Talk About Sex

Monday Mar 30, 2009 – by Natalie Nichols

As a community we are not truly discussing sex. Whether it’s in terms of STD’s and fear or enjoyment and pleasure, lately everything I overhear about sex is casting the act in the most negative terms.

Irresponsibility aside, sex is meant to be safe, fun and completely open to one’s own interpretation. Women are unquestionably more sexual beings than men, which explains why more of us are exploring strip clubs, swinger spots and attending toy parties and stripper pole workouts. What is most exciting about sex has been castigated and relegated to homophobic, lackluster missionary madness; when in reality, 78 percent of women in relationships use some kind of sexual aid, according to a report released during the 2nd Women’s Sexual Health State-of-the-Art Series conference.

Perhaps this is why alternative lifestyles are not tolerated by society in general. Frequent and good sex is both a health and wellness issue and one of delight and gratification. Religion, media and other enforced differences can be identified as culprits. Many of us spend our adult years breaking free from the anti-sex teachings of our church and elders. I meet far too many women who have never had an orgasm or swear they don’t enjoy sex, whether it’s with a man, woman or alone.

Sexual exploration is key to satisfaction. You can’t be scared of your body if you ever seek to truly enjoy it. Great sex is great when we release all of our inhibitions, hang ups and insecurities and allow ourselves to feel some of the most natural and wonderfully powerful sensations we can have as human beings.

I wonder why, however, sex can’t be more of a public topic. A lot of what I have experienced in love and relationships, both memorable experiences and those I wish I could forget, have been experienced by my other women friends as well. Yet, it is only during some power patio drinking that all of these moments get some conversation time. People probably fear being scrutinized for some of their freakier fantasies, but if you can’t comfortably explain what you like or enjoy sexually, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it. The good news is that there is no right or wrong way to enjoy sex, unless your enjoyment comes at the harm or detriment of someone else. Consenting adults and consensual sex is key for a really exciting time.

Discussing sex in a more frank manner would remove a huge chunk of the derogatory mystique associated with the act. All women inevitably are victimized through this silence, frequently through the virgin/slut conundrum. As us ladies are taught to be sexual beings only behind closed doors, we work diligently to maintain the image that we fall somewhere in the middle, irrespective of the reality that the scale may tip toward one side more than the other. The effort of maintaining an air of virginity or experience is pointless and time consuming. The result is always the revelation that you either talk a good game or you are great at being discreet, but in either scenario, you are ultimately exposed in the end.

We all like to pretend we don’t do the do, but anyone over the age of 20 knows better. No need to twitter a moment by moment account of your bedroom behavior, but be honest. Be realistic with your mate, folks you trust and the only person who really matters–yourself–about what you want, who you want, and how you want it.

keke says:

March 30, 2009 at 12:10 pm

I do believe that women are entering a resurgence of sexual freedom we saw in the 70s. Expression of sex has really been suppressed in American culture, and women have always been told to be chaste, to play coy, but yet be a sex kitten and a tease. It is really conflicting and unhealthy. We are supposed to ignore our urges and sexual feelings, but boys can indulge in those same feelings without stigma. Its so unfair!!

↑ Reply

ceecee says:

March 30, 2009 at 9:10 pm

I think the keyword is *trust* you’ve gotta be exclusive with who you share this with cos like keke’s said it’s an unfair world.

Kenyatta says:

March 30, 2009 at 10:42 pm

What an amazing article. I couldn’t agree more.

Wink says:

March 31, 2009 at 9:55 am

True.

There are guys who will label the aggressor as “the man” and guys who will label the more cautious as “gay.”

Some ladies “like” a man who is expereinced. Some ladies respect a man who practices restraint.

In The Way of the Superior Man by, David Dieda, (sp) he says that women are attracted in the “killer in man” as a quality of a protector.

Conversely, in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by, Steve Harvey he confirms that the decision is ultimately in the woman’s court…and that she should make a man wait for 90days before sharing her cookies.

I wonder if a man’s true power is in being aggressive or abstaining?

The unfairness rears its head when you can’t have what you truely want out of a concern for how you will be judged- not by society, but by your partner. Communication is the only way out, and for that I applaud Ms.Nichols.

Personally, I feel where keke is coming from and agree with ceecee. You must be sure about who you will share “you” with.

I define liberation as being able to make a decision about what/who you want to do. I think that is what any oppressed people want…not to go buck wild, but to have the option about when to do the dew.

I will always give a woman I am interested in the option of taking it there after my intentions are known. I cannot fault the aggressive or the abstinant.

There is Creative power with sex and lots of trouble can come from being too liberal.

My fantasy is to be with a woman who wants me as much as I want her; until I am sure I will remain cautious. (and i have lots of complex dremas about that day…wanna hear?)

:c)

Shawna says:

April 1, 2009 at 4:46 am

I have to say that there is definitely a fine line in regards to media outlets, churches, in home teachings, and etc when it comes to the liberation of sex and all that follows. Growing up, my mother and father never sat me down to have the sex talk. Looking back, I’m really happy that they didn’t (this can not be said for everyone). In doing so, this allowed me to not put any restriction on how I felt about sex or the exploration of my body and the person(s) that I choose to share my loving with.

In my preteens when boys were discovering their bodies, I was doing the same. I achieved my first orgasm when I was 21 or 22 and I didn’t need someone else to come along and hit the right spot. I can fully express with confidence what feels good to me without being unaware of my triggers.

I love sex, and I love the idea of sex. Sharing yourself mentally and physically with another being is part of the human interaction. My experience may not be like the others but it has been good for me.

When my friends get together (male and female) one of our favorite topics is sex and all of the origins that makes great sex. I love it!!

However, I am not saying that sex is the same for everyone. This is something that each individual should explore and find there comfort zone. Read books, watch videos, talk to your friends, talk to your family, and lastly…don’t be afraid to look down there and explore what feels good to you.

SAFE SEX!!! SAFE SEX!!! SAFE SEX!!!

Childfree Sexpot says:

April 1, 2009 at 4:26 pm

, I 100% agree with this statement made by Wink- “The unfairness rears its head when you can’t have what you truely want out of a concern for how you will be judged- not by society, but by your partner.”

IMO true sexual freedom is when we as women can shun the judgments from society AND men with regard to how we express our sexuality.

I am so tired of us being held to a “standard” as far as when the proper time is to have sex while men are held to NONE. Steve Harvey and his stupid ass book can go to hell. We aren’t having sex with ourselves…it takes two to tango, does it not? So my take on it is this- if a man can’t find a way to summon up basic respect for me because I chose to have SAFE sex with him on the first date, the third date, the ninth date, or the seventieth date- yet his own self-respect remains tightly in tact, he has a problem that is far from being mine to solve or even fret over.

And it’s this that renders his ignorant, hypocritical judgment of me, NULL AND VOID.

Ladies, it’s time to stop wasting valuable energy on whether or not some man will respect you over standards he can’t be bothered to hold himself to.

I quit a long time ago and have never been more comfortable with my sexuality or in my own skin.

Alicia says:

April 1, 2009 at 9:34 pm

I totally agree. Hangups suck.

Sigh... says:

April 2, 2009 at 5:35 am

I wish I could be on board with this , but having sex is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I was young, dumb , made life altering mistakes (I got an incurable std before I lost my virginity and a baby before my 19th birthday). I know I’m not the only person this has happened to , but sometimes it feels like it. I know better now , but too little and a little too late. So to all the ladies out there how are enjoying a happy and healthy sex life I envy you.

Tootsie Talk says:

April 2, 2009 at 8:49 am

I have found a new-found love & respect for Clutch Mag Online! Kudos to you!!!

Sex is something that has been labeled a bad and taboo subject we mustn’t speak of!! This way of living and thinking is exactly draws fear in parents when speaking to their children about it. Our young boys are praised when they have sex, but the young women are labeled the whores?! That’s another subject, nevertheless.

Sex was meant to be liberating and enjoyable! I believe every woman should rake the time to know their bodies & what they want behind closed doors! Sex can be great if it’s done in a SAFE, healthy, responsible, & mutual manner. Knowing your status, your partner’s is very key! (fyi: HIV testing isnt enough! Ladies, annual exams, std cultures, and blood tests to detect HERPES, Hepatitis, etc. that dont show up in paps & HIV tests).

Sex is fun but it’s also a responsibility! So be safe, arch your back, curl your toes, & throw your head back and have fun. Safe sex is the best sex!

PS: I am the creator & founder of Tootsie.Talk. Tootsie.Talk is a sex advice blog designed to give men & women of our time a place to let their hair down, come & ask their most desired sex questions in an adult-friendly, yet humorous environment! I would love to have you as a follower and supporter!

Check it out at http://tootsietalk.blogspot.com
“The sexiest talk on the ‘net”

t says:

April 2, 2009 at 9:15 am

Childfree Sexpot

I cannot tell u how much i love your comment.