Signs He May Not Be Ready For A Real Relationship

by Alaina L. Lewis


Signs to tell he might not be ready for a relationship – signs that women should look for when getting ready to enter into a serious relationship.

It’s hard enough finding that special someone that like Sky previously informed us , perfectly matches my fly, but it’s an equally nerving situation when you have the object of your affection amidst your mental and emotional grip and you discover your Romeo is not ready for the precursor to matrimony: Being in a serious relationship.

Love should be less complex than life makes it, yet figuring out a man can make love an extremely challenging situation. It’s no secret that times have changed when it comes to obtaining success in the love department, but while you’re diving in and taking chances, you better keep your life vest of information close by, so you don’t drown trying to swim through the current of your heart’s desires.

Just like picking out apples in the produce aisle at the local market, finding one ripe and ready requires careful examination. Men are the same and reach their peak of perfection at completely different moments. Some are ready to attack love, while others still enjoy the array of options permitted to mingling in the single-hood. But, when you’re ready to indulge in love’s appetite, how can you tell if the man you’re pining for is ripe enough for the picking? One bad apple, truly does spoil the whole bunch, so how do you weed out the bad fruit to peruse the beauty in a fresh opportunity? Here are five signs I feel should help women decipher when a man’s not ready to enter a serious relationship before they embark upon a journey that leads to an emotional waste of time.

He tells you he’s not ready.
I struggle with this one myself at times, because I just like a lot of other women in the world, sometimes breeze past the “matter of fact” statements men make en route to what I consider to be the “potential” hidden meaning. A man saying he’s not ready to our ears sounds more like, “He’s just scared,” or “He’ll be ready after he gets to know me.” We have a way of dissecting a man’s honesty and blurring it with dreams of possibility. Sometimes this statement, indeed, poses as an untruth, but you’d be wasting a lot of time and energy risking your feelings on that probability. Being ready for something serious is a decision that passes over the threshold of uncertainty. Whether a man means it or not when he says he’s not ready is irrelevant. If you’re brave enough to exercise your heart’s risks and feelings, then you need a solid individual to meet your readiness at its core. You need someone who’s centered.

Actions speak louder than words.
Words have the luminous power of emitting light in some of the darkest relationships, but if you’re keen at discerning the truth you’ll look past the smooth grooves of seemingly pleasant conversation and stay focused on what remains unspoken. A man can rush to say anything to keep a thumb on his prey, but if his movements depart from his melodic wordplay, then you better pay attention. Maybe he calls you “Wifey”, but treats you like a “Bust it baby.” Or builds an ocean of anticipation in your heart, but is too shallow to follow through with his actions. He may even ask you to wait a while before he considers a serious commitment, but enjoys masquerading around with you and engaging in all the aspects of a relationship without being held hostage by the title. Actions speak louder than words. If his intent is to one day make you a priority, then you better make sure he’s doing what he needs to do, as a man with a plan, to transfer his lyrics to action. Any man can paint a fantasy, but it takes one who’s ready to commit to a promising relationship to build a masterpiece.

He doesn’t call you or take you out.
If women knew this already, then books like He’s Just Not That Into You wouldn’t exist. It’s seemingly a no-brainer to anyone who understands it’s simplicity, but believe it or not, it’s still a major issue that plagues the minds of women everywhere. In pursuit of a Love Thang, we sometimes forget the obvious when going over the list of rules. Yet I guess, when you’re on the hunt for love, rules sort of go out the window. Desire is an important word to remember. It’s a known fact that when you want something in life, most of us will do whatever it is that is necessary to get it, especially when it comes to meeting the needs of our feelings. When it comes to love, by nature, men usually step up to the plate when pursuing a woman they desire. They understand how quickly a door of opportunity can close if a woman is presented with another possible option. If they want you, why would they slack on responsibility and let someone else to take you? If they’re not calling you or taking you out on dates, then they must not mind if the next man does. Don’t let late night “horizontal conversations” and a man habitually returning your voicemail’s and texts messages (mis)lead you to interpret a promising relationship. You need to be wooed and pursued for more than just sex or out of what he may feel is his obligation to respect your feelings and return a call. If he’s ready, he’ll come to you first. Men are leaders and if they’re ready they’ll prove that to you.

He’s still too selfish to consider your feelings.
If everything out of his mouth says, “me, me, and me,” then it’s obvious he’s not doing a lot of thinking about you. This is a mistake made way too often, hanging out with a self-absorbed suitor in the hopes that they’ll one day soak in some of our value and make us a priority in their personal lives. Selfish is as selfish does. It’s something a person has to grow out of and not something they’re going to do at the stroke of your command. They may meet every need you have at this immediate moment, but it’s likely fulfilling something in them first and has no further meaning. Have you ever dated someone who never asks you about your day or works to uncover all the amazing aspects of your wonderful personality, yet saturates you with all their “need to knows,” at every waking moment? Selfish. If a man doesn’t take a true interest in you, your life, your interests, and truly getting to know you than he’s not worth the emotional investment. ALSO: If while he’s talking about himself and his future plans in life, listen to see if he mentions you in the conversation. If there’s no mention of you in his future, then he’s indirectly telling you that at this moment he still doesn’t see you in his future. It’s time for you to be selfish and opt not to waste your time.

You’re not a part of his personal life.
When a man wants you around long term, he’ll let you in on his personal life and bring you around everyone he cares about. Guy’s don’t always give women clearance into their world, but if you get a pass, consider it a step towards possibility. If he genuinely likes you, then everyone he introduces you to, has already heard great things about you and will express that to you on your first interaction with them. BUT, if you’ve never been a topic of his personal conversation, then rest assured that apart from you, he may not do a lot of thinking about you. That’s definitely not a good thing. If you’ve been hanging out a while and he still hasn’t introduced you to his family and friends, than I wouldn’t invest any more time in him until he progresses your “relations” to stage two. Right now, you’re temporary in his mind and letting you in his personal world, for him, isn’t worth letting your feelings wander towards the idea of long term possibilities. It’s simple, by not letting you in, he’s not leading you on. He’s only proving without words, that he’s still not ready to be serious with you.

Clutchettes – please feel free to add onto the list. We want to learn from your ideas too.

  • on the fence chica

    I got this awesome dude who perfectly matches my fly but is a title/comittment phobe and fits some of the attributes above.
    Selfish? Yup, totally self-absorbed but he’s been single most of his adult life so that’s pretty much expected.

    Personal life? I’ve met all of his friends and fam but no mama. We were in the same room once and I think he was too embarrassed by her loud/ghetto mannerism to introduce me to her. She saw me for a moment a few days later while I was driving and she waved. He does talk to her about me. I’ve heard all about her advice/opinion to him regarding me. So I know I’m on the radar.

    Calls? Yes, several times a day. We are really tight. Dates? He never takes women out on dates, per se (I know, I know)but he’s taken me out several times, breaking his own rule. Mainly though we hang at the same places (cafes and galleries) so we are always on a date but not on a date. LOL

    Basically, he’s getting the benefit of showcasing me and having me treat him well without the commitment of a title. It hasn’t bothered me much since we are having a ball together and I just left a long marraige right before this, but its been over a year and now I’m ready to chill. He knows it and hasn’t said a peep about where we are headed but he’s given me keys to his apt. Progress, right? Yes, but not enough. I’ll give it another month and then I’m ghost.

  • Lia

    Amazing. So real and well put. I needed to hear that today. : ( It will help me with my decision.

  • Mandalay Keisha

    I agree that we all need to hear something like this at one time or another, I just hope that we can all get this saved as one of our favorites so we can all send this to one of our girls when they need this lesson to be learned.

  • Tenneal

    Absolutely right. Its funny because these are the most obvious signs, yet we ignore them the most. And most of these are signs that I’m quick to overlook simply because I want those very few moments when “he” actually SEEMS like “he’s” ready.

    Amazing and insightful article Alaina.

  • Drew

    I agree we do have a tendency to ignore that obvious signs, including those that come right from the horses mouth, but never again!! And for those who know me, remind me of such, if I ever fall off the bandwagon.

  • Crys

    I get tired of being lonely, and sometimes I deal with this crap in order to at least feel like i have a man. Great article though.

  • happy

    very helpful reminders!

  • anna

    Thank you so much for this.. Guess its time to stop making excuses for him. Thinking that he is nervous when meanewhile he wouldnt want another man to step up to the plate, he knows I am attractive to men and so why risk anything? I guess hes not ready I dont want to think that way but whatever..

  • Jacky

    Thank you so much for this article. It’s all true.

  • Eunice

    I met this man who really matches all what i would want in a man. I met him when he was jobless having lost his job 3 months ago. We started talking often and sometimes meeting for coffee after work but he was too broke that i would settle the bills but i did not have a problem with that becasue i had already fallen in love with him. He would write text saying he loves me so much and i believed him. He separated from his wife and has 2 children and he told me about it, though they are not divorced yet, but i have never been to his house and never met any of his friends or relatives though we have been dating for 3 months now. He has never proposed for a date and am the have been proposing for the last 3 months but i tell myself its because of lack of money as he doesnt have a job. He got a job 3 weeks ago and he has now changed, he doesnt call me often or text as he used to do. Now i am worried that he doesnt want us to have a relatioship or would i be hurrying him. Would it be that he has not recovered from the issues with the separation from his wife. I am 40 years and he is 46 and i dont want to waste time with a man who is not ready for a relationship. Please advice

  • Alize

    ok, I’m going to throw you a curve ball. I am clueless and confused. I started hanging out with this guy last May and when I met him I had just ended a 5 year relationship so I wasnt looking for anything (I was terrified of the idea of getting into anything big again so soon) so we had both discussed this finding he had ended a 3 year relationship as well a month earlier so was in the same boat. We hung out more and more him pursing me. I really hadnt thought anything about it until a couple months down the road when it was starting to get more serious because he brought me to his camp where I met his close friends and even family. I had noticed right off the bat we had a great connection and he had mentioned it more than a few times as well. After a few months my feelings started to shift because he was everything I had been looking for, and thought we were progressing but when I had conversation(s) with him he would say he wasn’t ready. So in reality I did start to think he was scared because he had mentioned it to me before with him being in a mentally abusing relationship previously. Again understandable but AGAIN he would show signs of wanting to be with me, it wasn’t like we would have sex every time we saw each time. We would go for walks and he would reach for my hand, he would kiss me in front of his softball buddies when I would go and watch his games, he came to hang out with my family on numerous occasions, etc. EVEN SAYING…sometimes being with you makes me want to change my mind. But a month would go by and he would get distant and say hes working a lot (which he did) but it was like every two months he would freak out and pump the breaks and go back to saying “I told you I wasn’t ready” so, I would back off and he would pursue me again saying he missed me. He even told me one night when he was drunk he thought he was falling in love with me and could see himself having a family with me. Of course saying he didn’t remember any of it the next morning. AH! so confusing. I have backed off as far as not talking to him for weeks and he has messaged me but I refuse to see him hoping it will give him perspective. It’s like he is going back and forth in his mind and then tells me all of this as well so I am just so confused. When I told him I couldn’t do this back and forth and I had changed my mind on being with him he said he wasn’t ready now but he could work on it…what does that mean? HELP! I know they say if you let something go and it returns it was meant to be yours, but when do you also just call it quits and HOW?

  • Nicole

    Sorry girl, but if he is not initiating seeing you or trying to spend time with you…. like the article says: actions speak louder than words.

    I would say cut him off and focus on you feeling beautiful and being happy and fulfilled. We women do over analyze when it comes to issues of the heart, and take your time to grieve this lost love in order to move on, but please don’t keep hoping or guessing in a world of fantasy. Keep your feet on the ground. Feel good about you and you will attract a way, WAY, WAY better man that you truly deserve. HE is not the only fish in the sea, and remember you are a goddess.

  • AlmaMM

    I am so sad its unreal. I’ve been talking to this guy i went to high school with who I had’nt seen in over 10 years until we bumped into each other on facebook. After weeks of talking on the phone n me thinking he’s just amazing, I sleep with him. He drops off home and three days later I still havent heard a peep from him. When he finally sends me a text, its to tell me that he thinks I’m coming on too strng and that he’snot ready for a relationship!!! I almost died inside. Firstly because i felt used and abused like he’s telling me this now becausehe’s already slept with me and satisfied his own selfish needs. What do I do? Please help.

  • Jacqueline DeAngelo

    I liked this guy since I was 16 he’s only 3 months older than me , he ha a baby and just got out a 3 year relationship! He found me on Facebook and we started talking again we are I guess you can say we are talking. I meet his baby and his family but now he changed! His baby mana pops out different times in the day she will walk down like a mile to his moms house to see the baby and start drama with him an the family she was a mean person and used to hit on him she came by the other day and wants a cigg an asked him to buy a pack of them n he said no and he wind up shutting down on me he hasn’t spoken to his mom about it or his big sister I texted him yesterday and he didn’t reply back I’m not even sure what to do about this is it that he’s trying to get back with his ex or what can cause him to act this way?

  • Brewzy

    This is the FIRST and only article I read that completely fit my situation. I’m interested in a musician who was interested in me first and never let on. Out of the blue, I got a text from him asking me to come to his place and hang out with his friends–a big plus, since entertainers usually don’t let people into their world. He does return my texts immediately and I was hoping that was a good sign–I see that it might not necessarily be. But, the thing that caught my attention most was the part about bringing me into his personal life. The first time I hung out at his place, his friends told me how he talked about me to them all the time. Just recently, I went to his gig in town and was told by his roommate that “he said he was hoping you’d come out tonight.” I’m still playing it cool, as we haven’t been on a date or anything. I hope he’s feeling things out and not going to cage me into the friend zone. Just knowing that I’m a possibility gives me hope!!

  • crystal

    I would forget him. hes full of it. hes a growm man he should know what he wants. If u leave he comes crying. u go back to him he doesnt want to be serious. this will drive u crazy. u dont need that. u seem to be a kind person and know what u want. he could be mental too. watch out. guys like that are like if i cant have u nobody can. i know its hard but let him go. this is a sickness and he need help. ur too good for that.

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  • http://gmail Stacy

    When people should you who they are, believe them. He’s showing you that he is wishy washy and can not be counted on, to be a partner. You’re not going to be open to the right guy, if you keep wasting your time with the wrong one.

  • http://gmail Stacy

    Lesson learned…don’t sleep with men, that you don’t have a commitment from.

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