Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
A mother warns you about boys as a little girl. When you become an adult, she schools you on men. But what she forgot to mention is, his “other” side.
As if dealing with another human being and the numerous issues within your relationship wasn’t hard enough, I have come to realize what a lot of women will find out sooner or later –your man has more than one side. You know, kind of like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He portrays a good boy persona to get you, but his bad boy alter-ego eventually comes to light. I’ve observed many instances where women don’t really know their man. They never knew this other character existed before that one argument or incident reveals the real man behind the mask. Upon this revelation, these women utter, “I don’t know this person.” Or “This is not the man I married.”
It’s all honky dory in the beginning when they first meet the man who they “believe to be” the man of their dreams, only later to find out he’s more of a nightmare.
When I hear or see these occurrences, it makes me think of all the women out there who walk into relationships unaware of what they have gotten themselves into. It’s all honky dory in the beginning when they first meet the man who they “believe to be” the man of their dreams, only later to find out he’s more of a nightmare. It bothers me that most women have no idea their boyfriends/husbands turn into a completely different person when they’re not around them. I estimate 85% of men are more open and free to be themselves around their boys, or other people whom they’re comfortable with letting their guard down. Naïve women fail to recognize this and are clueless to what their man is like outside of home.
If a man doesn’t feel at ease being who he really is around you, it speaks volumes to how he truly feels about you. It’s apparent he senses the need to put up a façade. He isn’t confident in your ability to handle the truth, so if that trust factor is missing, that’s a serious problem. If the woman who claims to love him can’t accept him, flaws and all, what’s the point? Learn to fully embrace your man, and allow him the freedom to be upfront with you about any issues or concerns he may have. Otherwise, you are creating a monster and don’t even know it. He will distance himself from you and all communication will cease, leading him to seek what’s he’s lacking elsewhere, thus, leading a double life –lying, cheating, among other immoral acts.
He should consider you a HomieLoverFriend, like R. Kelly sang about in the 90s. The ultimate relationship for a man is when he can kick it with his woman at the club or ball game, like homies; explore his sexual fantasies with you as his lover; confide in you his fears and heart’s desires as friends. This type of openness creates a certain security and bond between you that can’t be easily broken. We’ve all heard the expressions, “Ride or Die,” “Down like two flat tires,” and “Down Ass Chick.” Every man wants to be able to classify his relationship in such a way that signals his woman has his back no matter what.
Take into consideration that “your” man is still a man. Just because he’s with you doesn’t mean he stops thinking, talking, and acting like one. If you’re not prepared for the good, bad, and ugly sides of the truth that comes with the opposite sex, then you’re going to be in for a rude awakening. When women learn to better understand men, it will be much easier to coexist with them. Or in the words of author Harvey, “Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady.”
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WOW Great great great article…every thing you stated in this article is so true.
Totally understandable, however men should also understand that this applies to women as well, especially black women. Many women do not allow men to see their true selves for fear of being labled the “angry black female”.
Men should realize that as sweet, caring and nurturing as we can be, we too also get angry at times and we need to know our backs are covered as well instead of being singled out and labled for an emotion that all humans share.
I agree with the article for the most part. I will say that sometimes a man hiding who he is, may have nothing to do with the woman. Also, men in general do tell us who they are in the very beginning…we just dont believe them or we feel that we will be the one to make him change because he really loves us. Also we tend to “jump” into the relationship phase because of whatever reason instead of using self-control and being completely platonic and not even letting on we have any romantic interest. WE ALL HAVE AN ALTER EGO, the thing is we tend to only show it to the ones we are the most comfortable with, and that comfort zone has to develop over time. It is only natural. So you are fooling yourself if you think you know your man and you have never had a problem. When the problems arise, that is when the inner heart condition comes out. Also, its cool to love and embrace your man. BUT i feel that is taking responsibility away from the man. Sometimes i feel women take way more than a man would because of fear of being alone. If a man cant open up to you for no good reason, he’s not going to open up to the next…AND A WOMAN CAN NEVER MAKE A MONSTER OUT OF A MAN. A man must realize that as an adult no one can make him do anything. Children are always quick to say its someone else’s fault for their behavior. I don’t no about the rest of yall but as my head and my leader(not in a derogatory sense) i cannot make or break him. I can support him or make things more difficult, but I am never responsible for his behavior. A gentleman is a gentleman under any circumstance.
@ Ms.coco, Especially black women??? Why is this only race specific? Dr.JMH is across the board.
I take serious issue with this article. From the beginning the author takes the stance that it is the woman’s responsibility to make the man feel comfortable enough to be himself. There is a serious undercurrent of blame here. If a man is not open and truthful enough to be true-to-thine own self, then he shouldn’t be in a relationship. Any man who can’t tell a woman where he stands for fear of rejection is juvenile and probably still needs his mother. If he chooses to continue in a relationship where he compartmentalizes his life then he is a LIAR. I would say the same for a woman who does this.
If I as a woman am willing to be upfront and honest with my man, then I expect the same thing from him. I don’t have to change myself into some “ride or die chick” to please him. He better open his mouth and tell the truth or he won’t get fed.
I agree 100% with Monique and Kamika. A man (and woman) who can’t be true to themselves won’t be 100% with you either. He’s not a kid, he’s an adult and should act accordingly. Closed mouths don’t get fed…
I’m confused by this article. People have different facets to their personalities so, for example, if someone is quiet one day and talkative the next does that mean that person is being fake?
I thought I was the only who went “wait a minute…” when I first read the article. Cosign wholeheartedly with Monique & Mscoco
I assume Maria is the only one who understood the message I’m relaying.
Ladies, since when did trying to relate with your mate on the highest level possible, become a bad thing? For the most part, that’s what my piece is about: two people being so comfortable with each other to the point that they can reveal their flaws, and everything in between. “Ride or Die” simply means “Til Death Do Us Part”! It has nothing to do with changing who you are. “Ride or Die” is just a hip or urban way to put it. We should always be open to learning as much as we can about the opposite sex and how they think, even more so if you are currently in a relationship with a man. Divorce rates will continue to be overwhelming in the black community with certain mindsets.
@Rochelle
To answer your question. Quiet one day and talkative the next are moods. As humans, we are allowed to have different ones, so that is natural and has nothing to do with being fake.
Thanks everyone for reading and commenting :)!
To break it down even further:
If you are in a relationship, do you hang out with your man and his boys during football and basketball season? Does he play video games with you? Does he go to the stip club with you? If he sees an attractive female, will he say she is fine in front of you? If you answered “No” to any of these, you don’t know his other side. If you answered “Yes,” you do.
When a man can feel free as a bird with you, as he does with his friends, then 9x out of 10, you will have a happy, healthy, life-long relationship. He will think of you as his best friend, and won’t separate you from the “boys”. And even better, you are lovers as well, hence, HomieLoverFriend. What woman or man wouldn’t want a relationship like this; that’s built around friendship, love, honesty, respect and loyalty.
I realize not all women desire to be this close to their man, so if you don’t, to each her own!
I have to agree with Kamika and Monique. As you say Tameka Jo.. “to each her own,” but I took take a serious issue with this article. First off, in order for an “adult” relationship to be successful, both people need to come into it COMPLETE ( not lacking or looking for the other person to complete them) and SECURE ( knowing who and what they are and want to be). This fictional man she speaks about ( who I assume is to represent all men) does not seem secure at all..as a matter of fact he seems insecure and juvenile. Especially if he “senses the need to put up a facade” because he is not “confident in my ability to handle the truth.” To me that would tell me that is not secure enough to share with me who and what he really is, and if that the case I don’t want him. Lies and fear go hand in hand. If he’s lying because he fears that he can’t keep it one-hundred with me. Then he’s a coward. And cowardice is very unattractive.
Tameka,
Your last comment sorta reads different from the article. Yes, I agree that he should feel comfortable enough to share how he feels with his S.O. BUT that comes with confidence and security. Your article read as if he’s in a shell waiting to blossom but can’t because his S.O. won’t let him and now he’s a monster. To me that’s someone I DON”T want because if he can’t be open with the woman he’s sleeping with then he’s not open with himself period. His partner has nothing to do with his insecurity. As someone mentioned before…BOTH partners should be complete before entering a relationship.
no one is one dimensional, no one…. I think me being the Gemini overstands this!!!!!
Another great article :o)
I started to comment on this article, but I guess it didn’t go through. However, I am glad that my ladies her have backed up what I was about to say. Yes, people need to let down their judgements so that a man can be himself but a man needs to do the same so that a woman can feel comfortable also. If a man refuses to open up to you, then that’s his problem and his is probably still a boy in the terms of a relationship. Sometimes, no matter how much you feel like you and man can connect and he does have you around his boys and yall talk about any and everything; he can still be a Mr. Hidden. Its not about seeing another harmless side, its about discovering all the lies he’s been telling. Also, Tameka; if only one person gets where you’re coming from, then maybe we’re all right and your wrong. I wrote a little about it here: http://hiphopcheerleader.blogspot.com/2009/09/pussy-aint-no-prize-no-really-its-not.html
@mikilikemouse
No, it simply means you don’t understand me, which is perfectly fine! I’m a rare breed, sweetie. So don’t hurt yourself trying to figure me out, ’cause you won’t. Either you get it or you don’t! I don’t live off that same ole gibberish so many women have been stuck on for years. It’s a new day and time! I’m just sharing my advice from my perspective, which I can do as a writer! God made me unique for a reason. That’s why my name is Tameka Jo! Thanks for the motivation, though, ’cause you are fuel to my fire!
@ Tameka- Its not that we dont understand you, i know exactly what you are trying to say…its just that the article twists and turns to another direction…the “words” and “phrases” you use are misleading…i say this because i just got out of an emotional and verbally abusive and controlling relationship( so controlling and unhealthy that he would just show up unannounced anywhere…and showed up at my house recently (9 months after the break up) UNANNOUNCED..but i digress..) He would always point the finger at me for his actions…Basically he had an upbringing where he saw a very tense unhealthy relationship with his parents, so he is a product of his environment(which is no excuse) and he even told me this…Now i was 20 when i began a relationship with him…i stayed in it for 3+ years because i was trying to accept his “flaws and all”…I kept telling myself to be that ride or die chick(that ride or die attitude was wrongly understood by me THEN) ….. BUT his flaws and all were cutting me down and degrading me as a woman…his flaws and all were a poor example for our future children(that we would have had if married) and there never was an issue with him showing himself to me…I saw all sides because he was comfortable enough as an individual to show them….BUT HIS FLAWS AND ALL…his immaturity his lack of character…were unacceptable behavior for a man….THE FUNNY THING IS that after i broke it off and explained to him why I had to even tho i didn’t want to he said “You are making me out to be a monster”(it just was funny to me that u used such terminology) I guess we will just have to disagree I guess what it really is, is that you are talking about a “piece of a man” because “MEN” in the fullest sense who have grown to maturity in all aspects of life are not going to have the “pattern” of behavior that you are describing in this article…hey your opinion is your opinion..but when Steve was talking about his book he was also saying women need to realize they ARE ladies and should demand such treatment…and I emphasize that a healthy minded man is not gonna hide who he is…we are all adults and most of us realize that “the roses really smell like poopoo”..and me personally the different elements make my man more real…but Ms. Tameka, relationships need serious WORK from both sides. AND IF WE AINT ACTING RIGHT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP how immature and childish it is to point the finger at our loved one. NO… (but its all good. Good article, you got folks talking)
Oh Lordhamercy. There’s a such attitude called self-righteousness. Look it up! That wasn’t hard to figure out. I’d say you were simple and easy; with your thinly veiled argument, blaming womyn for a man’s actions.
@Monique
I commend you for sharing your story and leaving a bad situation that wasn’t in your best interest. I would advise any woman to evaluate her situation like you did, and do what is right for them.
I totally respect everyone’s opinion, and just because a person disagrees with my article, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. It’s not about right and wrong. It’s about each individual having their own mind, life experiences, and ideas … and choosing to express or share them however they please. In my case, I choose to share mine through writing!
For the record, my piece has nothing to do with blaming women for a man’s actions (even though I used some “male” terminology or words that women may have heard from men in their relationships). I am in no way suggesting that women should be used or treated like a doormat by men. I’m a woman myself. So it sounds crazy for people to imply that I’m against women, because I’m not.