Should He Put a Ring on It?
Beyonce is a lot like Yoda: silly seems she, but wise she is.
I’m thinking of Beyonce’s hit song “Single Ladies,” her catchy lyrics: “If you like it then you should have put a ring on it/ uh-oh-uh-oh,” and realizing the energetic singer has way more sense than I do.
If you would have caught me ten years ago, my black womanist response to Sasha Fierce would have been to criticize everything wrong with marriage: it’s both a bad idea monetarily (marriage discourages women’s financial independence) and ethically unnecessary (slaves couldn’t legally marry–did that make them immoral?). In fact, today a friend reminds me of my college plan to rid the world of patriarchy–the vedding. Back in the day, I was hellbent on designing a greeting card industry around the “vedding.” Only a select few would marry and have children; the rest of us would marry ourselves (hence, a single “v” rather than two merged together to form a “w”) and date the rest of our days, thus creating a market for exciting new restaurants and teeth whiteners that would stimulate the economy and raise the country’s standards of personal hygiene.
But now, as I dance around my house shaking my hips and waiving my hands at my live-in boyfriend, I think Beyonce may have a point.
A few months ago, one of colleagues from work had a dinner party. It was one of those things where everyone was supposed to bring his or her significant other. And so there we were, in all of our delicious Neopolitan diversity: the white couple who had driven from Pennsylvania to New York just to see everyone; the Latino couple who’d brought their puppy; the interracial couple (Filipino and white) who’d brought their baby; the white gay couple who hosted the party and who, from the affectionate stories they told about each other, would have married each other if only they could. Only my partner–the black woman’s partner–was absent because that night, the night of our five-year anniversary–we had had a fight.
“The problem,” my mother complains, “is that today’s black women aren’t making black men commit to them.”
But I don’t want to make anyone do anything. When my boyfriend says, “If you want to get married, I’ll marry you,” I grow almost violently angry. I hate the fact that people act as though marriage is some kind of prize you give to women, for making it through the Girlfriend Olympics. I don’t want someone who feels forced, tricked, or persuaded into marriage; I want someone who loves being around me so much that he can’t imagine a life without me.
And I don’t want to be a statistic either, another unmarried black women who is written about in Newsweek, the New York Times, Essence–take your pick. These statistics make me feel undesired and unwanted, which makes me feel I should marry so that I can have some kind of weird proof that I am loved, even though I’m still not sure marriage is this wonderful proposition that everyone says it is.
Because what I want more than a wedding–or a vedding–is a reassurance that ten, twenty, fifty years from now my relationship will feel the same way it does now. This relationship has taught me how to disagree without attacking, how to open myself up to someone else about all of my insecurities and self-doubts, how to listen to someone else’s dreams, hopes, fears. Even in rocky moments, like the morning after that dinner party, I feel special and cared for, and my guy and I have created this kind of nurturing love without a piece of paper. Today, with divorce rates running so high, there are no guarantees–who can say for certain that marriage would strengthen our bond? But then again, with a chaotic economy and society, a public declaration of togetherness could be a start, a way of showing the world that we’re in this together. So maybe Beyonce is right after all.
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I don’t want someone who feels forced, tricked, or persuaded into marriage; I want someone who loves being around me so much that he can’t imagine a life without me.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this part. Wooooo, girl, you have me raising my hand praising. Lol. Great article!!!
Yes, Beyonce is right. If he loved you, he’d want to make you feel wanted and marry you even if he doesn’t believe in marriage. It’s just a day of festivities, a ring and public display of your love. If he truly loved you, he’d do it – even if only to make you happy. It’s a little similar to you wearing his favorite dress for your anniversary dinner. You hate it but it makes him happy and hey, you don’t have to do it everyday.
Hey, sometimes you have to make it known what you want. If marriage is important to you, let him know. If it’s not go with the flow, I suppose.
@Dee I think that’s the problem. For so long, I didn’t know what I wanted. Even now, I don’t see marriage as being the standard to judge relationships by but I also think there’s something to this idea of publicly declaring your love for someone.
Rochelle that was really great! I think that every woman needs to read this.
Rochelle, Congratulations on your engagement and this article! I pray that this article is read by more men, to remind them that they are supposed to initiate the marriage proposal to woman. I am confident that chivalry can be resurrected, even in this day and age. More importantly, before and during the marriage (til death), remeber that love is an action that should be demonstrated at all times!
I got married when I was 19 and that was 25 years ago. I never believed that marriage was about the “paper” not the one you sign and not the ones you make. The act of marriage is for me, a commitment that, the two people involved are reminded of daily, that they just can’t walk away when the going gets tough. And your relationship shouldn’t be the same as it was when you first got together–it should have grown to be better. Don’t worry about statistics and definitely don’t let it lower your self-esteem. Those articles are self-serving and don’t really reflect the vast majority of women the study didn’t reach. Marriage is beautiful, it is a gift. It isn’t easy but it doesn’t have to be hard. If a person is lazy then it’s not for them. Oh, and as far independence goes, I believe strongly that a woman should maintain it, have her own money etc. My mom and my dad taught me that. All in all marriage works for those who believe in it and respect it.
yes!!! YES!!! YeS!!! beyonce is right, we as black women should not have to just settle with the title “wifey” lets try being the “wife”
What is marriage? Oprah is not married, Beyonce your man waited 7 yrs before he put a ring on it. why can’t you people live together, raise children and live happily ever after.
I’m in my 20s and the only aisle I want to walk is the grocery aisle.
I think marriage is more than money and more than a status symbol. And its also more than a public declaration of your love. A marriage shouldn’t be important for those reasons, it should matter to both partners because they want to share their lives (good and bad) with each other.
I’ve been engaged for 5 years now and I look forward to the day I can marry my BFF. I hope one day you can, too.
God Bless.
I am married and I do not regret it. I think it is a compliment and I feel worthy that my hubby married me. That is not to say that there are not issues, as there are in all relationships, but having a partner in crime creates some sort of unity or bond. Sure I didn’t have to marry him and we could have been live in partners, but I really think that being married shows we have made a commitment to one another. It is almost like completing a degree or a marathon, it is the extra effort that one makes. I do believe there are loving relationships that do exist where the people are not married and it is possible, so to each their own.
I wouldn’t exactly say Beyonce is right, but she does have a point! Literally putting a “ring on it” isn’t going to cement my relationship with a man if the honest and true intention of commitment isn’t there.
ANYONE can get married and have a wedding. I always say, I’ll take the commitment and leave the paper!
Besides, I don’t view love and commitment as a binding contract, which is exactly what marriage and signing on the dotted line is. Maybe that’s the reason why the divorce rate is so high… People wake up and realize that they’re locked into that contract and never truly, from the bottom of their hearts, had an intent to commit!
All is well with the commitment and no paper until one person walks away from it all. I think the one thing that marriage does is say that you are, or at least you should be–committed to working out any issues that arise. If you live together without any further commitment, it can be broken apart at any time. There is a reason that divorce is hard–it should be a last resort. It is not supposed to be easy. I think that a marriage is about more than a piece of paper. It’s about a commitment to spend your life with someone and to take the good with the bad.
Intriguing article, and as a divorcee of your mom’s generation, I am unsure if I have the right to comment. However, I will say that my marriage was a bust. But the man with whom I fell in love when I was 21 is the love of my life. He gave me a ring four years ago, and I gave it back to him. Why? First, it was not the ring that I wanted: I had given him a picture of the ring I wanted. Second, I felt that he gave me the ring just to appease me.
Finally, the circumstances that prompted his giving me the ring was a “fight” about his lack of commitment. So there is more to just getting the ring. By the way, he and I are still together, living in separate households, and gorgeously happy. There is no “one” or “right” way of having a relationship!
Fascinating article.
Perhaps because I was raised in a single parent household, I never idealised the idea of just living together.
I have always thought that marriage was important and was a greater and deeper commitment than just living together. Anyone can live together but marriage is a public pledge before god and man that you are going to try your hardest to make this person happy and love them for all your life long.
It is not that there are not married couples who don’t break up or that there aren’t ‘live-wid’ couples that stay happily committed to each other forever but to me it is about taking that extra step.
Would any of us spend three or four years pursuing all the studies we need for a degree and then quit during the final course because the degree is ‘just a piece of paper’ and we have already gone through the experience of academia?
Would any of us run a race and then stop right at the finish line and not bother to cross because we have gone through the experience of running the race already?
Of course not. Because it is JUST NOT THE SAME. The extra step is needed. And we know it.
Oh and one last thing I forgot…
So yes, we should insist that he puts a ring on it. All the statistics are there to show that marriage is simply better for families and children (happy marriages that is).
And that when marriage rates decline, it is not because we have become so much more sophisticated and liberal in our views, but because something in our community structure has gone wrong and become broken.
Because a man that does not want to commit to a wife is hardly likely to want to commit to children. That obviously does not apply in every circumstance but let us be honest, it has merit to it because committing to a grown adult is far easier than committing to a helpless child. Children are demanding and needy and you can’t (shouldn’t) just break up with them when you have a fight.
A good measure of a man’s potential to commit to his children is his ability to commit to his partner.
And with all that said – yes, I made it clear to my man that he has to put a ring on it. And he will come 2010.
This month marks the 40th anniversary of marrying the man I fell in love with at age 21. Neither he nor I are the same people we were 40 years ago. Two people grow together. Had he not made the commitment to me I’m sure we would not have still been together today. It would have been too easy for either of us to just walk away from the relationship. I admit, I have had a charmed marriage from day one…but it was charmed because I worked at making it that way. Marriage requires work and I’m sorry to say that most people entering marriage these days don’t want to work on their marriage.
Great Article!
And thank you Beyonce for opening up the dialogue.
Here’s my motto:
NO MORE FREE MILK, MUST BUY WHOLE COW!
LOL!
three weeks ago, I DID get engaged. I look forward to sharing myself, and sharing life’s experiences with him.
When you make a promise to love someone for the rest of your life, no matter what, it frees them to open themselves to you.
I mean why would I want to invest in someone who has the option of getting up and leaving at any moment? I don’t want that. I want a partner to help me unmask, not one who jumps ship when they just don’t “feel it” anymore.
During my life I am going to have strong moments, weak moments, healthy and sick moments, shining star and disaster moments. And I want what? A parade of people who know only bits and pieces about who I am?
You want the good? Fine! But you damn well better commit to accept the bad and the ugly too! I refuse to fracture myself.
I do think marriage is beautiful, but I don’t really think it would be fair for me to get married when there are beautiful amazing loving couples of the same sex who COULDNT get married if they wanted to.
As a commitment-phobe it was a hard enough idea to accept waking up next to the same person everyday, sharing everything, all of my emotions all of that on the table…its not going to be easy. But I can get over it for the right man.