Matrimony, the Successful Black Woman and Where Steve Harvey’s Theory Goes Wrong
Wanna know why so many beautiful, talented, intelligent, dynamic African American women comprise the 42 percent of “never married” as compared to 28% of their White counterparts? Well, ABC’s dedicated about 7 whole minutes to examine this complex issue, drawing from the infinite knowledge of ‘relationship guru’ Steve Harvey of course:
A word to the wise ladies. Don’t listen to Steve Harvey. Regardless of the stats, there’s nothing “ridiculous” about a woman with a 150K a year salary preferring to secure a life partner who makes as much, or more, than her. It sounds as if the esteemed comedian deems requirements such as: seeking to date and marry a man on the same level, who is worthy of ones time and energy, or desiring a partner whom one finds vibrant and attractive – rather than some dude on the brink of medicare eligibility “absurd.” There is no such thing as compromise if it means reducing your standards for the sake of a lackluster partnership borne of desperation.
Harvey is right about one thing, however. There are some good guys out there, within – and just outside – the cultural divide. It may be time to check out some new flavors, so to speak. And for the chocolate connoisseur, this could be an excellent opportunity to consider some of the young, successful and ambitious brothas from the Diaspora who have made the US their new home.
Despite the reports, there is hope for the professional young Black woman who is willing to stay true to herself, while maintaining an open heart and mind.
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overseas_honeybee on
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True indeed. Have not watched since Free and A.J. was on. Teen Summit was the bomb.
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TEXASGRL on
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My advice is to date in the mean time until you get where you are going!!! Don"t make a choice until you reach your main goal or you may be...
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grateful on
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it's very difficult for a woman to get a fair trade in this world, before or after s#xual revolution. we want to connect too, but not...
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grateful on
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People are still taking about single black women?! Aren’t there more pressing issues to be concerning ourselves with?
But I do think black women need to look outside the box. I’m more attracted to non-black men. I don’t know why but I just am. There’s nothing wrong with trying a new “flavour” lolz!
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to find someone that is equally successful. I know if i worked hard to make big bank, I’d probably want to marry someone that was equally as hardworking if not more, just because clearly economic success is important to me. I’m really not that kind of gal but I respect women who are up there and want a guy who is up there too. No one tells white women its wrong when they stay at home and seek out rich men to take care of them. So why are people complaining when hardworking black women want a man who is the same? it’s not like they’re asking for handouts. they just want someone who can add rather than subtract from their assetts. the only thing is, they have to get real and realize that finding a black man who meets this ideal is more than just difficult… i don’t want to say its impossible but for a lot of reasons that kind of a woman has a slim chance of finding a black man on her level so i think women in that position really need to widen their options and try dating men of other races.
@ Ayanna, I totally agree! Well said!
I am a happily married woman, and I can tell you I am educated and work hard so that I can achieve more. Now my husband is not well educated though he is extremely smart and incredibly knowledgeable. We have attempted to start business together some worked and some didn’t. All this to say, as a married woman, I would never call meeting him as ‘settling’. We grew together and compromised things in life. What ever I have lacked he has made up for and vice verse. I have alot to learn and we are both learning. But I do know, that as long as a man isn’t holding a woman back to fulfill her dream and he supports her as well as she does him, the pair is unstoppable. All women deserve more, but its the one who take lemons and make lemonade who have made happiness for themselves.
They’re are focusing on this because the media seems to want to divide blacks(thats what i think). This will drive black people further apart, keep blacks head to head with each other and promote interracial dating(not that its wrong) to decrease the black population. I bet they’re having a filed day at Stormfront with this one. I dont know why those women even agreed to do those interviews. While the segment focused on Black women, it made Black men look extremely bad. Because thats who they focused on as far as dating partners & they flat out said black men are ineligible.
At the end of the day, I dont think they should settle(not that their standards weren’t silly). I’ve seen what happens to black women when they settle. and it aint pretty.
I hope more black women aspire to be those women in the video (w/o the superficialness of course), instead of the ones I see on Maury. We need more successful black women. Pick your choice America!! I’d rather see more women like this everyday, than the std ridden bittermama’s i see in clinics.
And Steve Harvey? seriously? I’m sure there are more black men with better advice, than him.
ones that haven’t cheated on two wives and are on their third marriage.
Yall are crazy on this site with the comments lol. But Black women NEED black men the same way white women NEED WHITE men biologically which is most natural and the union should be celebrated not mourned, but were in mourning for our marriages and its sad. The statistics could be turned into a scare tactic or a call for elevation how can we get information like this to our brothers cousins nephews sons and fathers and celebrities? The statistics? well stats are always a complicated issue.
Steve Harvey talks alot about “conditioning” whithin the black community i think its starts in youth with the pimp conditioning that artist like wayne still be on, you have a baby mother but you dont marry her, the careless attitude can eventually land you in jail, without a job on my mothers couch or dead. In some communities black women are accustomed to this and encourage it, we can look forward to change in the next generation now that we are wiser so this discussion was probably a GREAT Thing. In a weird way, I probably would take steves advice because I know that ill be looking forward to building a greater kingdom then the one I was born into.
We simply need to get organised. In order for that to happen I think we need leadership. However, every time we get a leader they kill them. If you do want direction, organisation and progress for black people as a WHOLE, check out the radio show on http://livinginblack.ning.com/.
I do not know why but we willingly leave our minds especially of the young to be open to and vulnerable to the influences of the media and the Lil’ Waynes of this world. It doesn’t make sense. Why would we do that if we were the right mind. Are we crazy ? Are the affects of our past going to be that long lasting or are we going to cease our pacivity, cease our waiting for permission from ‘them’ to do anything and take charge charge of our own destiny and not be afraid or feel ashamed to do so.
We first need to change how we think about ourselves, what we are capable of and especially change our thinking on what we should be, what we should expect of ourselves, what state we should be in. I think the only way to do this is to get our heads out of mainstream media and start looking at authors, activists, documentories, ancestors, radio shows etc etc that porport to how we can MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER AS A WHOLE (man, woman, child, old, young, whatever…all together as ONE)
Propaganda much? I would never watch this and subject my mind to brainwashing. Stop falling into the trap.
IT OBVIOUS WERE DIFFERENT. FOR CENTURIES MAN HAS TAKING CARE OF WOMAN. NO MATTER THE SOCIAL CLASS. NOW WOMEN BECOME FORGETFUL.IF MR. HARVEY HAS IT WRONG. THEN WERE IS YOUR SOLUTION.WITHOUT ANY DOUBT THERE IS A SYSTEM IN PLACE TO EXCELL WOMEN TO BREAK EVEN. AND SURPASS MEN.FOR YEARS I THOUGHT BLACK MUSLEMS WERE WRONG. HOWEVER,I WAS THE FOOL.PROMOTING BLACK WOMEN NOT ONLY MEETS MINORITY HIRING BUT ALSO EXCLUDES THE BLACK MAN.I LIVE IN BALTIMORE,MD.AND THE EVIDENCE IS OVERWELMING.THUGS GET THE BEST WOMEN.AND THIS IS WERE WOMEN MISS THERE OPPERTUNITY.YOU ALL ARE SO DRIVEN FOR SUCCESS. YOU FORGET RELATIONSHIP. DO YOU HONEST THINK YOU CAN FIND YOUR MATE IN YOUR LATE 20′S 30′SOR 40′S.WELL,JUST ASK THE CLUB, OR BAR.YOU ALL GIVE ALL OF YOUR TREASURES TO WORLDLY MEN.THEN AS YOU GET OLDER SURRENDER TO GOD.BUT BY NOW YOU BEEN HURT. SO WHEN THE BROTHER AT CHURCH AS YOU OUT. YOUR QUICK TO SAY I DON’T DATE MEN AT MY CHURCH. THAT IS THE DUMMIEST THING I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.SHOULDN’T YOU DATE SOMEONE WITH THE SAME DOCTRINE.BUT I FIGGERED IT OUT.YOUR STILL NOT LOOKING FOR A UNION. YOUR LOOKING FOR A BROTHER TO TEAR IT DOWN. LASTLY,IT’S HARD TO BE LEARNED SPIRITUALLY.AND LEARNED SCHOOLASTICLY. MY SOLUTION IS THE MAN YOUR LOOKING FOR IS IN CHURCH.HOWEVER, THE CHURCH HAS LOST IT’S INFLUENCE TO THE CLUB & BAR.YOUNG PEOPLE LIVE BY IT. GENERATION AFTER GENERATION. MY QUESTION UNTO YOU IS …….IS BEING DRIVEN GODLY? HAVE YOU EVER TRY TO VOLUNTEER AT A HIGH SCHOOL.A CHURCH.OR MIDDLE SCHOOL?I ALSO SUFFER FROM LONLINESS. & IT KILLS ME. I SAY TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME. WERE DID I GO WRONG? LOOK I SAY WHAT MY BISHOP TEACHES US.THERE ARE 2 WILLS. GOD’S PERFECT WILL. AND GOD’S PERMISCIOUS WILL. THE PERFECT WILL DOESN’T LOOK TO PLEASING. BUT IT’S BEST FOR YOU. GOD’S PERMICIOUS WILL LOOKS LIKE… GIRL HE’S FINE! BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO FORCE IT TO FIT.WITCH MAY LEAD TO ALOT OF DISCOMFORT. MY BISHOP ALWAYS TELL HIS FEMALE MEMBERS. THE REASON THAT YOUR SINGLE IS BECAUSE THAT’S WERE GODS WANTS YOU. THEN HE GIVES INSIGHT THAT WHY WOMEN WERE OUT THERE PLAYING. SERIOUS MEN MAY HAVE TRIED TO GET YOUR ATTENTION! BUT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE ELSE HAD YOUR ATTENTION. AND YOU MISSED OUT.
Would someone tell me why is it that Black women are so gullible to fall for the Tangible Assets Status and Glitz and Glamour game by declaring to run out and choose a mate of none color, ergo Johnny Caucasian, Johnny Asian or Lisa Lipstick Lesbian. Anyone other than a Black man so that they can surely find and have that stereotypical White defined successful and happy marriage for the sake of meeting the criteria of whom……………. certainly not those of a conscious people such as Black People nor of they’re individual selfish selves unbeknown to them for that matter.
It would seem that with all the Degreed success heaped upon the Black female that she remains an educated fool, naive enough still to fall for the okey doke of Materialism and a guess spot on Oprah with her White Knight in shining armor to validate her acceptance in Massahs realm and prove that his Ice is colder. What is marriage to Black women? A status symbol ? And status in whose society. Are not the same ingredients for happiness to be found within our own race from our own men, without jumping ship too quicker greener or whiter pastures of social staus and acceptance from the Dominant society in this Hemisphere? What exactly is meant by a Black man on the same intellectual level as a Black female, and is it hard to find a Black man to match the criteria or just easier to selfishly run out of patience for quick status gratification? It sickens me to hear or read of Black women looking to jump ship to the other races because they buy into the convaluted notion that we as Black men are not worth the wait or the work. Last I checked we are still as a people behind enemy lines and are in need of each other in spite of our fractured growth. Is there a different marketing campaign that you launch toward a White male as opposed to the Black male? Is the response from White men more appealing with substantial wealth attached? Does he (the White man) really understand you better as a woman of color or is he just better oriented in knowing how to treat you like a lady, and what is that and how did you come to define it as a Black Woman and by whose cultural standards was it defined? There is nothing wrong with looking for the best in a mate! But just what constitutes a man as being the best for a Black woman? Is it out of reach when dealing with a Black man or just not there quick enough for the Black females level of patience ? The thought of either of us as Black people spurning each other for some one else out of our race really angers me more so now these days than at any other time. The ball is in the Sisters court more than she possibly knows, and yet aside from the skill of manipulation, she does’nt seem to know just what to do with it or how to use it to make strong her position in keeping the Race intact and marching upward from the mediocrity that we have been so plagued with all of these years. All of that education that could go a long way to solidifying our community through her leadership and strength and she yet can’t see the importance of the bigger picture yet to come and pisses it all off in anger or impatience with the enemy no less. For a few dollars more !
I for one am still in love with the power and beauty of the Black woman. I see her as she is and as she will be in the growth and struggle that we face together. Not what she and I will accumulate in wealth only! The Material Chicken Head mentality albeit with a Degree in tow from the Black woman hurts and bothers me greatly, but I will still pursue her faithfully and dilligently , as I feel she is the greatest prize to be blessed with provided she is in a proper frame of mind. A mind of her own reckoning, not fooled by the struggle within this society. I would never jump ship for the White waters. I wish I could say the same for her. But what do I know ? After all I do not have a Vagina to compromise the values of the White mans world with. Nor would I seek to do so if it were so. Is the Black female such a strong person after all ? Maybe it just seems that way because of a prestigious Degree from ……………………..? !!!!!!!!!
Um, what??
NOT EVERY BLACK WOMEN ARE JUMPING SHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After skimming through your emotional diatribe you can easily “control+F” every word consisting of “black women” and change it for “BLACK MEN” and end up with the same conclusion.
If were playing the statistic game, 70% of interracial marriages consisting of a black person with a non black are mainly composed of a black men with a non black women, while black women only make up 30%.
Listen, the problem isn’t mainly on the black woman side; it’s also on the black man’s side. The black man can no longer lead and the black woman isn’t quite sure where she stands because she’s inherently beneath the black man. If nobody’s leading, nobody’s moving.
The statistic game is dangerous and it falsifies reality. There are plenty of black couples out there but since the media is controlled by whites and jews, you only receive the image that they want to convey and if the destruction of black matrimony is on the agenda, than you need not to wonder what images they want you to see.
By the way, your dissertation was a waste of time, pathetic and pretentious.
Next time you write a post, drop the thesaurus.
My Dear Dot Just where do you get your statistics…….?
Is it the same White Jewish media that you mentioned above?
I would agree that the problem is not only on the Black Female side, however your source of statistics are flawed. If Black men are leaving the race for White women at a clip of 70%, then you need to revamp your assertion that you Black Women are only moving in that direction at only 30%. It is more closely clocked at 65% for you Ladies.
Correct, the statistic game does falsify reality. So lets not play it as a game. Fact is my sightings and count is centered here in the Midwest ( particularly Chicago) and the South and West Coast. That there are plenty of Black couples out here speaks to an established past more so than to a Present and Future tense. Ergo a false sense of security. You don’t stop an infection when it’s already full blown. You get it in it’s infancy. Therefore the need for dialog and not Emotional Diatribe much like your own.
I stand by my observations of Black women. I watch and study you because I am naturally attracted to you, but I see that which I see in major abundance and it is very disturbing for the future of us. Incorrect !, Black men do lead. We lead ourselves to correcting the path in life that lead to this social dysfunction that we are both experiencing by being at each others throat. Tell me Dot what’s the percentage of
Black women who take the so called leadership role in this fight to preserving and strengthening Black matrimony as opposed to a high percentage of them that would rather switch cultural sides to satisfy they’re selfish personnel desires that have nothing to do with any man being in they’re lives emotionally at all ? Since you claim that the Black woman isn’t quite sure of where she stands because she is inherently beneath the Black man, how the hell did she get there and just what position does she have when shes dating this White guy? Is it a leadership role and if so just what does she lead ? True not every Black woman is jumping ship. I don’t think I said that they are.
Again though, you do not stop an infection when it is full blown, but at 65% of Black women jumping ship the infection needs some serious anti-biotics like yesterday. As to the notion that more Black men are dating and Marrying out of the race……. if we as Black men drink the poison does that mean that you as Black females have to match or surpass us by the 65% activity that you display? Just where are your leadership skills taking us ? You stop cutting your throat and I’ll stop cutting mine. After all it was you I wanted anyway Black Female. Is my voucher good here or do I need to wear my Express card on my lapel and sleeve? Whose being pretentious? You ?
@Dot, I feel your frustration with RussGort, but do you really think by being so critical you can really get a point across? I was with you up until you said his “dissertation was a waste of time, pathetic, and pretentious.” You lose people with your insults and all you do is deter readers from the true topic at hand. Instead of offering solutions to his “emotional diatribe”, you berate his frustrations. You made such valid points, as did RussGort, but we need to figure out a way to not be so insulting with one another.
@RussGort, you sound like you’re angry at black women for thinking outside of the box. Unfortunately, not enough of our men have not shown us that they can be the stand up men that we need them to be. Incarceration, babies all over the damn place, some HS education, and multiple women are just some of the traits that we see in more than just a handful of black men. Of course this may not be the majority, but its more than enough for people (including black people) to see them in this light. Sad, but true.
What needs to be changed is not only the perception, but the way black men portray themselves in society. Many celebrities, specifically rappers, do not feel it is their responsibility to be role models. But at this point in time, we can’t just leave it up to Obama to show the world that there is more to black men than what society shows us. Obama is 1 out of a million, compared to the rappers plastered on our TV screens and radio stations.
When a different portrayal of black men is seen, not only on television, but in actual reality, maybe more black women will be persuaded to give black men a shot again.
ENJ thank you for the balance.
You are correct however there are not enough of our Black men out here in a Visible role to stand up with Black Women. ENJ I do believe that they are out there in more numbers than we will admit to. There is much work thatboth ides have to do to bring us to a better place with each other. I truly do love Black women, I just want for us to be there for each other as opposed to going astray out of blind frustration and socially steered to be each others public enemy by others outside of our community as well as within.
I was reading another article on this site, “BET, why do you hate us?” If you haven’t, you should check out the commentary. Readers made same great points and suggestions in relations to what we’re speaking about.
I wish you the best, and I’m sure you’ll find your queen someday!
[...] to even consider getting married, mostly due to the lack available African-American men, and the claim that their standards need to be lowered by Steve Harvey himself made waves earlier in the year by a feature on ABC. The statistic that 42 [...]