Matrimony, the Successful Black Woman and Where Steve Harvey’s Theory Goes Wrong
Wanna know why so many beautiful, talented, intelligent, dynamic African American women comprise the 42 percent of “never married” as compared to 28% of their White counterparts? Well, ABC’s dedicated about 7 whole minutes to examine this complex issue, drawing from the infinite knowledge of ‘relationship guru’ Steve Harvey of course:
A word to the wise ladies. Don’t listen to Steve Harvey. Regardless of the stats, there’s nothing “ridiculous” about a woman with a 150K a year salary preferring to secure a life partner who makes as much, or more, than her. It sounds as if the esteemed comedian deems requirements such as: seeking to date and marry a man on the same level, who is worthy of ones time and energy, or desiring a partner whom one finds vibrant and attractive – rather than some dude on the brink of medicare eligibility “absurd.” There is no such thing as compromise if it means reducing your standards for the sake of a lackluster partnership borne of desperation.
Harvey is right about one thing, however. There are some good guys out there, within – and just outside – the cultural divide. It may be time to check out some new flavors, so to speak. And for the chocolate connoisseur, this could be an excellent opportunity to consider some of the young, successful and ambitious brothas from the Diaspora who have made the US their new home.
Despite the reports, there is hope for the professional young Black woman who is willing to stay true to herself, while maintaining an open heart and mind.
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Agreed. I think this segment was too short to address a lot of issues, but it provided a brief glimpse — statistically — into the reality of AF-AM/AF-AM relationships. Point is, Black men with success and money have options, therefore they have a lot of control. I read a bit of Steve`s book and I wasn`t impressed. Do I think those beautiful women should settle? Absolutely not. But like you said, we should start looking at all of our options and stop letting superficial preferences like height stand in the way of a potentially valuable relationship.
I also will say, from experience, that it can be hard catching the attention of someone outside of your race/ethnic background. If they are attracted to you, they might be intimidated and assume that you aren’t attracted to them, or depending on the climate, they may be fearful of dating outside of their group.
I watched this at the urging of my Mother the night it came on ABC. What I fail to understand is why others feel that we (African American women) have standards that are too high. I’m a recent college grad (go ODU!!) and I’m sorry, I want to be able to have a conversation about topics other than BET and ESPN. I never read Steve Harvey’s book nor do I plan to. It’s funny how the media view him as some sort of guru when it comes to AA women and dating.
no other group of women is told to just settle for a mediocre mate. seriously, even black men like steve harvey feel as though we are not worthy of the best.
other women aren’t “told” to settle because many of them make the choice on their own. few other groups of women hold on so tightly to superficial qualifiers when choosing a mate. I can’t count how many of my white girlfriends “settled” for the frumpy IT guy with glasses who many of us wouldn’t give a second look.
Years later, they have all the things single black women are crying about not being able to find. Husband who adores them? Check. Happy healthy kids? Check. Single family home, money set aside, private school educations for everyone? Check, check, check.
While black women are sitting around playing dudes to the left because he’s not tall enough, or his eyes aren’t light enough, or he makes $7k less per year than she does…other women have figured it out and moved on.
i think this is all a bit ridiculous. i know plenty of white, asian and indian woman that would not look twice at someone who didn’t have some sort of status or more than a few dollars in their pockets. why are black women being singled out as gold diggers with unrealistic expectations is beyond me. the media is having a field day exposing all of our so-called shortcomings.
It sounds like what Steve Harvey mentioned about standards being too high has been misconstrued. He did state that expecting a man to make as much money as you is ridiculous, but I didn’t get the impression that he thought the other points mentioned in the article were ridiculous. I also believe that there is something to be said about wiggle room in your “list”, especially considering that no one progresses at the same rate.
I have to agree with Steve on this one. All too often we “BGs” get caught up looking for this shell of a man that looks good on paper. We want what we want now and are not willing to work with a man while he’s working on improving. I know a couple who have been married 5 years, he had nothing when they met, got into deeper debt during the marriage, and are now working to get out of it. She was the one with the advanced degree, but the debt was because he was working on his MD. Sometimes the right now is so appealing, but there are often situations like these where being patient and giving someone a chance that makes less than you is worthwhile in the end.
And Miss Jae, I know college educated men who prefer to only talk about ESPN and BET. I also know men who are not college educated who are more up on current events than I am. That’s a very unfair judgement. We get upset when people make blanket statements about black women, but this blanket statement is just as hurtful.
I hear about this topic frequently since I live in the Washington, D.C. area. African-American women here are known to be the most successful and single in this country. Sometimes I do feel that many African-American women are told to lower their standards and other cultures of women are never told to do such a thing! I do not think people understand how much this emotionally can hurt AA women; some take this as devaluing AA women. I do agree that AA women are too stuck on dating AA men! There are other cultures of men who will treat us well and will bring a lot to the table. I myself have not dated another ethnic group, but I will when the opportunity presents itself. Many AA women are stuck on the dream of their AA prince; he may be Puerto Rican or Italian. This topic can be an additional article. (hint)
I’ve read the comments and I feel like some of you guys have gotten the wrong impression from Steve’s book and his interview. He is actually empowering us as women, whether we are black or not. He is showing you what to look for so that you’d know when a man really loves you for you & what questions to ask to be certain of where you stand so that you don’t waste your time. He is not telling you to settle. He is telling you that you have the right & that you deserve to be treated the way you expect, and he’s telling you how to get it-’by getting some standards”. Ladies, we can have the man we chose, if we really desire him. We just have to be true to ourselves and decide not to compromise. But in relationships if you get 80% of you want, that’s a good match & the package doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I think that a lot of us think that it’s better to be right than to be happy.
I am a black woman, 25, a lawyer and I do not want to be married. But ladies, the requirements can’t only be height, more money than I make, really??? guys come on….what about happy, successful, affectionate, funny?? 6’3 really…puhlease. These BGs on here are not serious. I cannot believe this… So my brother would never come up, he’s a successful accountant, but he’s only 6’2, WOW. BGs get it together. Even if you date outside your race, these are not the things that are meant to be on your list.
She changed her height requirement, if I am not mistaken, her point being, some things are negotiable and not set in stone, while some other things (like good character, integrity, honesty, kindness, God fearing, and a potent chemistry etc etc etc for me personally,) are not!!!!!
Amen!! –> “Despite the reports, there is hope for the professional young Black woman who is willing to stay true to herself, while maintaining an open heart and mind.”
THANK YOU!!
I’m not surprise how they did not mention that a recent study was done and now there is a surge of black women dating white men, black women dating outside of their race period.
The real question should be why is white America so concern with this issue of black women and matrimony? This is not the fist time that a so called study or show on this topic has been done, nor will it be the last. They are always doing a surveys and studies about black men and black women, but yet they never do a study on their issues. Why is that??? Why not do a study on why it so easy for a black man to get a white woman and get her to do whatever the hell he wants? Why not do a study and a show on why you people lack morals and how you people can be bought for the right price? Why not do a show on how so many of you are living a lie, pretending to be happy and beautiful when in reality you people are bitter ugly and hooked on drugs, excuse me “prescription drugs”. Why not do a study on how you people can’t stand black people but will allow a rich black man to fuck you, your daughter, wife, mother, son as long as they can get you things, because after all you worship things. Why not do a study and a show on how most of you people altered your looks with surgical proceedings. Do a study showing how most of you people are walking around looking like fucking freaks with big lips, big ass, big breast and spray on tan. Do a show on how you people are a bunch of liars, I eat what I want, I’m naturally this thin and I never exercise, yes, this is all my hair, I have no extension in it, yes, I’m a natural blond and my eyes are naturally blue, no, I never had any surgical procedure done, nor will I ever, I have good genes, no, I don’t do drugs. Do a study on why white women have such low standards and will fuck, whoever, and whatever and allow to be fucked however? “I love anal sex, it’s feels great and I even climax from it.” Do a study on why they can’t raise their own kids and have to hire a nanny to raise their kids? Do a study on how you people really can’t stand each other and have such jealousy and hatred towards one another. Do a study on how you people are so hateful and mean. Do a study on how you people don’t have any faith and that the only thing you worship is the all mighty dollar.
As for Steve Harvey, I did not read his book but know people that have; all the advice that are in his book are what my parents have already taught me. I came from a two parent home, I already know how a man should treat me
Steve Harvery needs to STFU. He shouldnt be giving relationship advice. He cheated on his first wife & they divorced; he cheated on hsi 2nd wife numerous times and they divorced; and now he is in his 3rd marriage. Plus he isnt willingly taking care of his youngest son w Mary, Wynton Harvey so Mary ( 2nd wife ) has to sue.
He annoys me.
There are men that have certain “high standards” too for women, but they call women who fit the bill “trophy wives”. So I can see why succeful women would be seeking trophy husbands. Problems is that there seems to be emphasis on superficial qualities.
I think that’s different cuz trophy wives are just that – prizes (or gold diggers). They sit on the shelf, looking all purdy and stuff, but don’t bring much else to the table, esp. professional accomplishments or money. IMO, most of these successful women aren’t seeking a trophy hubby cuz if they were they’d have an easy time finding a sexy man who’s all looks just to walk around by their side and be provided for. Seems like women in this situation want an equal, or even a man more accomplished than they are. The men seem to want the sexy toy, the women seem to want a capable, independent man.
Trophy does not mean looks it means what ever you perceive that you deserve as your prize for what ever accomplishment you have completed. It’s proof that you have made it. For a man it doesnt just mean a pretty wife it copuld also mean her background her family or in the stereotypical out look of black men, her race. The same goes for women it’s not about looks, when these women start listing of their accomplishments and then tying it in to what they expect in a mate they are saying “this is what I achieved and this is what I should get for it”. Men and women who think like that usually find themselves disappointed when they realize the “trophy” has a mind of it’s own.
It’s not the same. These women in the video weren’t seeking shallow attributes. Generally, most women like to date a guy their height or higher, or guys who make as much or a little more than them. The guys who want a trophy see it as a “hot chick” or something, lol, who they can bag because of their success, but do so based on more superficial qualities, looks only really. Chicks who put up with all types of crap (like Elin Woods) because they’ll do anything to hold on to the meal ticket. Successful women seek to get a guy they can build with from the same plateau.Two financially independent people, ya know? I don’t think there’s anything shallow about a person seeking their equal. Trophy wives are often not “equal” to their mates. They kinda sponge off the fellas but maybe that’s got more to do with the general dynamic between men & women. Ok, so trophy to me means someone you “buy” not someone earned (through tireless seeking for the ideal mate).
It’s exactly the same you keep tying in trophy to looks when it is about what the individual feels is reward for their accomplishments.
If you are listing off your accopmlishments as a reason why you deserve such and such then you are basing your relationship off an award system, that make it a trophy.
The “hot chick” is not the only criteria for some men for others it could be her family ties which can benifit him, her race, or if she has money all depending on what he finds of value.
“Successful women seek to get a guy they can build with from the same plateau.Two financially independent people, ya know?”
I dont think Halle Berry’s baby daddy/ trophy doesnt fit that mold, in fact there are quite a few women who buck that trend.
Seeking an equal and believing that you are entitled to that because of your achievments is just as naive as those who seek out people for looks. Absolutley no consideration for the other human being, they are thinking “it’s about me”.
Now there is nothing wrong with that but dont expect people to feel sorry for them or to give a rats butt when there seems to be a lot of men and women who are doing just find with out the “woe is me story”.
Black marriage rates are steadily on the rise. In fact, they are at the highest theyve been in about 20 or so years…. but for some reason that doesnt seem to be newsworthy smh
I’m also tired of people taking “70% single BW” out of context. According to the US Census, “single” status not only applies to never married persons, but also divorcees and widows.
According to US Census 2005-2007 American Community Survey:
-Out of black men, age 15 and older, 48.2% are never married. 39.1% are married/separated, and 9.8% are divorced.
-Out of black women, age 15 and older, 44.7% are never married. 32.6% are married/separated, and 13% are divorced.
Truth is, not only do more than half black women get married at some point, but they marry at higher rates than black men. Clearly we, as black women, arent the ones with the biggest problem….but you never here about the men now do you…smh
These sorts of articles/interviews are nothing but propaganda. Talk about journalistic integrity, they are distorting the facts to exploit black women for white entertainment. If you are going to tell a story, tell the WHOLE story.
“There are lies, damned lies, and then there statistics” -Mark Twain-
Never believe a stat.
I agree. :)
the point steve was trying to make by comparing salaries is being misconstrued. he’s saying that someone’s salary or education level doesn’t define them. if a man is a blue collar type of guy or even on the lower steps of the corporate ladder with high character, a pleasant personality and demeanor, and similar morals and/or values to your own, then what’s the problem?? he lacks a title and a piece of paper from an accredited institution??
Would a Doctor marry a Janitor? People tend to be attracted to others with similar interests/goals and shared passions. Black women don’t need to settle at all if they seek someone as ambitious and stimulating as they are. A person’s profession and LIFESTYLE says a lot about their values.
Anyway, women (and men) have a right to be as selective as they please no matter their criteria but black women are always given shit for wanting “better.”
Settling is not acceptable. I had an experience dating someone who was constantly saying “you should be married, why aren’t you married”. I had to step back and realize that him saying that put him in the “I’m not worthy” category. I had to stop dealing with men who were intimidated by my accomplishments. My mother looked at Jill Scott’s marriage and was hopeful that one day I would marry too. (People say we favor one another blah blah blah. Though she is beautiful, I think it is the big breasts. lol) Her divorce made my mother worry about me again. I am single with the hopes of marriage, certainly but I am sure as hell not going to settle! I hear tell that Londontown has some “real Black men”. I need to get another passport stamp anyway!
In the 1970′s and 80′s did the rate of marriage among college educated White women decline? That’s a question I would like the media to answer.
Because if marriage rates declined for college educated White women during that first period of mass college attendance by White women then the current situation with college educated Black women is normal and will work itself out. That is unless Black women allow themselves to become brainwashed by the media narrative.
Also if a White woman is having a problem finding a mate does someone tell her to consider dating a Black guy? We all know the answer to that. White men are not perfect so just going out and finding a White guy is not a solution.
Damn. The writer said “other flavors,” that doesn’t mean vanilla only. It’s a big country and even a bigger planet, and more women need not isolate themselves from it. Your point about white women is baseless because whites are in the majority here in the USA. They live by different conditions because of it. Why should a woman be restricted from living her dreams due to stagnant restrictions anyway?
It’s exactly the same you keep tying in trophy to looks when it is about what the individual feels is reward for their accomplishments.
If you are listing off your accopmlishments as a reason why you deserve such and such then you are basing your relationship off an award system, that make it a trophy.
The “hot chick” is not the only criteria for some men for others it could be her family ties which can benifit him, her race, or if she has money all depending on what he finds of value.
“Successful women seek to get a guy they can build with from the same plateau.Two financially independent people, ya know?”
I dont think Halle Berry’s baby daddy/ trophy doesnt fit that mold, in fact there are quite a few women who buck that trend.
Seeking an equal and believing that you are entitled to that because of your achievments is just as naive as those who seek out people for looks. Absolutley no consideration for the other human being, they are thinking “it’s about me”.
Now there is nothing wrong with that but dont expect people to feel sorry for them or to give a rats butt when there seems to be a lot of men and women who are doing just find with out the “woe is me story”.
Ok. I’m gonna have to agree to disagree. This circular talk is making me a little sea sick now;)
I agree Cinmike!
And why does this word ‘settling’ keep coming up? What exactly is settling? I thought people were marrying for love, for keeps. I thought they wanted people who cared about them and treated them right. Surely there are men and AA men who fit that mold. They might not be 6’1″, athletic build with an MBA working in corporate America, but there are some really nice, great men out there who get overlooked because meeting them and dating them will be looked at as ‘settling’.
Great point!
You know what time it is and what the agenda is of those who have the power to control peoples’ minds (media) when this makes ABC.
Situations like these are worse within other groups and they carry on and work things out THEMSELVES, yet we seem to be eternally locked into the affects of a conquered/colonised/terrorised people who always look up to and turn to those who conquered us in the first instance.
If we were AUTONOMOUS, had control of ourselves as a whole and were not integrated and therefore controlled and AT THE MERCY OF WESTERN SOCIETY this would not happen.
I’m tired of the praise that black women get if they ‘make it’ with the same lifestyle aspirations that white women have. It’s as if they are still the master. Why is it so hard for black women and people of Afrikan heritage/Diaspora to grasp the fact that you have a totally different set of memories, history, heritage to work from and inform the way you push forward in life ?
How many black people have the intention of going to college to gain the tools that they need to go back into our communities to set up new or strengthen existing institutions and systems that empower our communities as a whole. Not just man, not just woman, not just child, not just old but the whole community, as one, moving forward together as one, instead of working for the system and institutions that work against us so we can become POWERFUL and AUTONOMOUS.
This is definately a new agenda/mission of mainstream media. It’s everywhere and they aren’t ashamed in the blatant projection of it wherever they can.
DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE LADIES!!! THIS MEANS 58% OF US ARE MARRIED!
Every racial group of successful women have the same problems African American women are having!
Notice she said 24% of white women have NEVER been married; but 45% of white women are not married (meaning 21% more are divorced than we are!)
Just like they tried to say the majority of welfare recipients were black and it turned out the majority of recipients were white.
Once again the media is stepping in to cause us to doubt ourselves, make eligible black men more cocky than they need be, and allow other groups to feel superior by comparison. This may seem insignificant, but there is a domino effect.
Read more:
“Fifty-one percent of Latina woman are unmarried, so are 45% of non-Hispanic White women, and 41% of Asian women.”
“Fifty-one percent of Latina woman are unmarried, so are 45% of non-Hispanic White women, and 41% of Asian women.”