The “It” Girl
Who would have thought that being a single black woman would be all the rage? If you’ve clued-in to the blogosphere over the past few weeks, you probably have noticed the trend. From Helena Andrews’ forthcoming book and film Bitch is the New Black to ABC’s Nightline segment on single black women, I am starting to feel like the “it” girl. Everybody seems to be talking about me and I’ve never been more ready for my close up. After all, there are serious issues at play that could really use the airtime.
As an underappreciated beautiful black woman, I hope that you would understand my trepidation over being haphazardly catapulted into stardom. For those of us who know, being single isn’t always cute and certainly isn’t something to exploit. It can be lonely and desperately painful but can be an unfortunate reality for so many black women.
Although it was not without flaw, I am comforted when I see television specials like that of the ABC segment. The largest blemish was Steve Harvey’s perpetuation of binary gender roles and antiquated irrelevant advice that only further contributed to the rhetoric of assault on women. The relationship advice in his book, which he predicates his comments on, encourages women to constantly be altering their physical and emotional selves to fit the male gaze. Apart from this disappointment and some problems with the numbers (the eligible numbers should have included black male college graduates, but I suppose they didn’t want us to hurl ourselves off of the Brooklyn Bridge and should have subtracted gay black men), I felt solace in hearing other black women facing what I am. It makes me feel as though I am part of a community grappling with a common struggle and ultimately as if I am not alone. However, not all black women share this sentiment. If Essence’s relationships editor Demetria L. Lucas could, “she would climb under a rock…to avoid the onslaught of articles, primetime TV segments, books, and countless blog discussions.” While Lucas very eloquently iterates her frustrations with the white constructed “Black Man Shortage” narrative, I don’t see what we have to gain from hiding from this reality. I do not deny that major networks do in fact pull out this story ever so often to sensationalize the issue but I wonder if we can start using these specials as a springboard to discuss what is really going on in our community. Many black women and men ask why we are still talking about this. To them I answer, because it continues to be a dire circumstance with no trace of getting any better.
Many of my black college educated male peers are disheartened and even angered by this discourse. It is almost as if they feel as though their masculinity is being challenged. I can’t tell anyone how to feel but I wish rather than get insulted, educated black men reflected on these reports as heavily as educated black women do. Admittedly, I am coming from a privileged perspective and I cannot speak for every community. I don’t know any black men in my age group who are not in college, even fewer who are not at the best institutions in the country, but I wonder why my peers and even some of my friends are, as the school counselor Chato Waters lamented, juggling four quality women in rotation. As blessed as I have been to be amongst what I perceive to be intelligent company, with it comes a sense of arrogance. My fear is that as young black men are patting themselves on the back and brushing their shoulders off, they are missing opportunities to codify healthy relationships with black women and even perhaps sleeping on the possibility to pull up even younger legions of black men. I would be foolish not to acknowledge that this is symptomatic of the behavior of many young men regardless of race but with a lot of things, black folks have to hold themselves to a higher standard. We don’t have time for games. Our community is hanging on by tiny threads of overworked black women. I appreciated a recent video I saw posted by Christopher Johnson but as one of my friends saliently noted; while he makes a plea for the good guys, he never really tackles the issues at hand. He never even addresses the numbers.
There are a host of problems that perpetuate this issue. Black women continue to have minimal representation in the media especially in all of our diverse hues, hair textures and body types. We all know that we very rarely see dark skinned women, full figured women and women who sport their God given hair. This contributes to a socialization that is hard to break yet we continue to watch and support the very mediums that do not reflect who we are. I just saw the preview for Jennifer Lopez’s next film The Back-Up Plan. I am always amazed at her ability to consistently attain romantic comedy movie roles where she plays opposite a white male lead—the subject of her race never being the focal point of the film. In fact, the same seems to be true for other women of color yet there continues to be black people who want to shy away from the specificity of our plight. Interracial dating is often suggested but for many black women, especially those who find themselves on the margins of celebrated beauty norms, this is not an easy task.
Additionally, young black men need mentors. I heard a young girl call into the WBGO Newark Today radio program to voice to her mayor, Cory Booker, her concerns about her brother who she feared was no longer attending high school but out on the street hustling. Over the course of the hour, Booker and other Newark residents made a plea, particularly to older black men, to become mentors. We need more black men teaching black young men the importance in loving black women.
I could go on and on about our problems as a community. We have lots of them. The fact that too many black women are single is only the tip of the iceberg but by engaging the issue rather than hiding under a rock, we could pick away at the glaciers. We could turn this single black woman talk into a discussion and ultimately a solution to the underlying issues.
Unfortunately you can’t really get over something that is still there. You cannot jump over a barrier that has not yet been knocked down. We can pretend but smacking that wall sure will hurt. What we can do and what we should do is use this ongoing hysteria to our benefit all the while highlighting the surrounding issues we face as a community. After all, Americans have a short attention span, being the “it” girl won’t last forever.
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Maybe she was really speaking about herself.
BW on this board and others need to listen to what BM like Brandon are saying……
They are not just dating BW, they are not waiting for YOU! They are not making any special attempts to find YOU.
So if you are waiting for them….you are waiting for a train that ain’t coming….
Wake Up! No one cares about what happens to BW but BW, I am not saying they should, we are in a recession, people have their own lives and loves to focus on. The harsh truth is BW are out performing their male counterparts and advancing rapidly in corporate jobs. Therefore in major urban areas are packed with single working BW, scores of them…..like fire ants. We have over-run the BC and many BW will simply have to MOVE. Sorry, that’s the truth.
The majority of women posting stories of longing for BM on the net today will be single 10-20 years from now, without ever having been in a relationship. While their BM counterparts will have had many, many partners.
All I can say is at least BM aren’t lying anymore and saying they are waiting for a “black queen” only so hold on. Brandon is the TRUTH!
I agree with you and Michelle. Articles like this just reinforce to black men that they are the prize. They can play us and shuffle us as they please because they hold all the power. They can have any woman they want because we believe the myth that other men don’t want us.Other women become interested in them because they’re curious to know what it is that we’re so caught up in wanting. Not to mention its got to be gratifying that you were chosen over all these other women that are pratically throwing themselves at this man. To the statement that there aren’t as many interracial opportunities for black women, many times men of other races don’t approach certain black women because they’ve been turned down so much by others and all they ever hear is that black women only want black men. I have co-workers that when approached by men of other races are always amazed that he was interested in them but shoo them away because they must be strange.
This problem of single black women is not going to go away. It didn’t just start yesterday and the problem is only going to get worse. You can go into any high school in America now and you will see black boys with other races and black girls are left without a boyfriend at higher rates then their peers.So girls are learning at a young age without the media even telling them that they will be alone. You have black mothers that devalue relationships when talking with their sons and reinforcing the idea that they are the prize. The reasons why this problem will only increase are too numerous to list. Black women need to wake up and face the facts.
I’m single but I choose not to limit who I date or ultimately marry by race. I don’t belittle black men or complain about some shortage of good black men. I don’t believe that black men belong to me or that they have to date women that look like me. In sum, I choose to belong to the human race and be open to love all that are apart of it.
A bunch of bright red fire ants…waiting for any morsel that falls from the picnic table :-)
And I hope you understand who is sitting AT the picnic table enjoying pate and a good Merlot.
Control your own destiny and accept the fact that you will have to MOVE!
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I agree with knockoutchick that some black women will just have to move. Secondly, there are other nationalities of black (Carribean, African, Middle Eastern, etc.) that black women could take interest in. There cultures of men who absolutely LOVE black women, but we will not know this unless we travel or socialize with different cultures. I also agree with Brandon. The truth is black woman have bought into lies about being less attractive, so what if media says otherwise. If black men want women with European features, they can have them. Black men are victims of intricate brainwashing with definitions of masculinity and what is attractive (despite who they look like in the mirror)! Black men who date out their race just do not bother me anymore because of this harsh truth. Why date or marry the portion of black men that believe in the white master’s poison. If you are open to interracial dating then you may have to be the first to initiate conversation. Any women black or white that carries herself with confidence will be noticed. Black women can no longer just sit around and wait because we will get nothing!
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This is a pro-Black women blog? You sure could have fooled me judging by these comments! All they do is defend Black men’s “rights” to love them some White womens, and talk about how much Black women suck.
I hate false advertising!
I just love how if you’re a black woman who states she’d rather be with a black man, she’s “closed minded” and “not taking control of her life”. Seriously?
No one said dating a black man meant sticking to African Americans, so of course it’s ok to leave this country, but why is it only ok to leave this country for a mate if you’re only considering a white, asian or latin mate?
I too am sick of this big ass lie that black men are just vanishing. Really? I think that was put together by a bunch of women who wanted to justify the fact that they want white boys. And perpetuated to weaken black men. To weaken the black family. To tear us apart and destroy us.
And please tell me where the hell these vanishing black men are going!! Is Africa clearing out? The Carribbean too? We’re all out of places to look for “good” black men but have a laundry list of places to search for white replacements.
Oh yeah, and of course Steve Harvey is full of crap who really takes him seriously?
First, I do not understand why for some it seems that a college education or a good job (whatever at is) automatically entitles you to everything in the world. I, a young black man, have these, am single, humble and don’t feel a sense of entitlement. I really can not make a connection between my degrees or job and finding a wife. It just doesn’t make sense.
Yes, economic standing helps in any social unit but there are far greater things that make social groups tick other than money. Can a marriage and family not work if both husband and wife have below average income and do not have college degrees ?
I wouldn’t be surprised if people from other cultures/ethnicities ORGANISE in order to prevent such an apparent thing from happening: Lop sided development. If some things don’t develop on all fronts it doesn’t develop at all. Groups operate as a whole otherwise the group ceases to exist. The parts that make up the group work for each other. Yet with Afrikans we seem to have so many sub-groups (the strong, independent, yet seeking and searching for protection and provision, black woman) by their creation, who work against the now created other sub-groups which then is catastrophic for the group as a whole.
Divide and conquer.
They create the chaos through lies in their media and mainstream culture which we believe, buy into, integrate ourselves into. Then they offer the solution. BAM !
When I am ready to find a wife she has to have African-Caribbean heritage because that is my background. It is this important and wide ranging quality that matters most because for me it encompasses so much. We have to take responsibility for and respect the qualities that are beyond our own life times….heritage, culture, family.
Too many Afrikan people, especially in the Diaspora, respect and pay homage to constructs and institutions of the (white) Western world rather than those of their own heritage.
This black women need to date other races is nonsense because it will perpetuate one of the underlying causes for this problem: our identity confusion and lack of proper knowledge, understanding of ourselves…..disunity and lack of doing things together that truly empower ourselves. If some Afrikan men’s’ minds have adopted the alien European female physical ideal then why do we have some people here who want to further this by ask the detriment of our self same – to be an agent in adding more confusion to our identity.
To get an African in American to make cultural links with Afrikans on the continent and the Diaspora…I think it is easier to try squeezing blood from a stone…or they might think they need to get permission/acceptance from some European authority first.
Why is it seen ‘unfortunate reality’ for black women. Hello ! It is the ‘unfortunate reality’ for Afrikan people throughout the world. This is not one single issue isolated on its own. It is one of the many, many symptoms of our collective history. And it is our collective history that we need to address that covers hundreds of years and the entire planet; not something that has been given media attention (which is controlled by people who do not have our best interests at heart) of the last few decades and affects some black women.
Why isn’t the discussion at the level of, ‘The history of and the social mechanisms that have influenced African relationships in the Western world’, or, ‘How the confusion of the Afrikans’ identity and traumatised sense of self has hindered Afrikan relationships’, or, ‘How so-called African-Americans’ attempt to integrate his/her mind into the reality of another people is causing major problems’
I think it is a sense of collective shame and sense of inferiority that prevents us from being loyal in all aspects of the life experience. This I believe comes from the fact that we were and still are a conquered and colonised people (especially in mind). If we want black male mentors why not support and promote those who are doing it. Put them on a pedestal. Shout out their name for all to hear. Or maybe that isn’t in line with the status quo.
No matter how many black men there are out there doing it, doing the good thing, making a difference and changing things we will never know. Mostly due to our own fault because we have sown ourselves into mainstream media outlets that rarely highlight the truly beneficial, empowering and progressive people and activities.
Finally, I question whether those women who complain truly do want ‘good black men’ because what I would term ‘good black men’ are out there in abundance but mainstream media and culture would not tell you that because it is not in their interest. If you find the culturally conscious Afrikan groups and people there you will find good black people because they are striving to rid themselves of the conquered, colonised mind. You can start by listening to the radio show here: http://livinginblack.ning.com/
I appreciate your response. :)
When the black community puts away it’s selfish desires, this “problem” will go away. The effects of centuries of discrimination don’t disappear over night. Black women want a successful marriage now. Instant gratification of quick money is usually why young men end up in jail. Believe it or not, a young male’s drive sex without goals or focus is quite dangerous. If women continue to cry victim and success black couples & men continue their indifference, the “problem” will continue. It takes a village…..
If a young woman, in her 20-30′s, isn’t constantly dating (not hooking up with) decent men, her likelihood of marriage is minuscule to none.
There’s no one to “blame” in this situation, they just need to think about what they desire, and work at it. It might require doing some research and leaving the neighborhood and relocating.
Black women in this particular country have a harder life, that’s a fact. Know what’s going on around you and proceed accordingly.
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