Sex. If it’s not on our minds at the present moment, it’s an unspoken thought lurking around the immediate corner, waiting for the perfect time to express itself.

Many-a-article has been devoted to the topic at hand, but most of the points of interest come from a one-sided view of life within the afterglow. Magazines like Cosmopolitan, Essence, and Vanity Fair make a killing off of peddling obvious sexual knowledge to an ample audience of individuals who religiously swear by the repetitive humdrum they manage to exhaust from the same recycled piece spilling, “101 Ways To Please Him In the Bedroom.

Just 101? I’ll hold out for the one boasting 103…

But in all honesty, many of us curious cats are still guilty of skimming these columns monthly; salivating over the endless lists “kerosene tips,” in the hopes of finding a new trick to add to our repertoire of acts to keep ablaze the bedroom fire.

Yet as we fight for mental notes and jot down surefire wins that support the unanswered debate that the editors of Cosmopolitan are in fact the same folks who invented sex, we fail to remember that it’s not always about the “how-to’s” or the “must-do’s” that control the overall outcome of an evening wrapped in bliss. Sometimes it’s not “what you do” that feeds the mood, but rather what you shouldn’t do that’ll determine how long you’ll last before and after the fire.

So… rather than bombard you with the same ole, same ole, and guide you through my own version of Cosmo’s sexual common sense, I thought it best to remind us all of the things we usually fail to remember not to do while in the heat of the moment.

…because sometimes when you’re braving the nude, it’s easy to forget to put on your “thinking cap.”

As a reminder to Clutchettes and Gents, here’s what I personally consider the Top 10 Things Women and Men Shouldn’t Do in the Bedroom.

For the Women:

1) Expect a Man to Go Down “There” When You Know It’s Not Fresh.
There’s a pure beauty that comes in the spontaneity of making love. Sometimes we’re gleefully caught off guard when our sexual desires opt to succumb to the heat of the moment. But ladies, if you know for a fact that you skipped the shower this morning and just rolled out of bed without a few flicks of water down south, don’t expect anything more than a trip to the “drive thru.” No man, or woman, (if that’s your forte) should have to eat seafood when it’s not what they ordered.

2) Talk About Babies or Lie About Your Birth Control Status.
Your biological clock is ticking…we get it. But there’s a time and a place for everything. Discussing your baby fever before/after sex is the best way to make your guy run in the other direction or become suspicious about your intentions every time the two of you get it on. By doing this, you run the risk of being accused of laying a trap, especially if having children isn’t something he’s interested in at the time. And chill with the subtle hints: Don’t start knitting pink booties or thinking up clever names for your future progeny while you’re both still cooling down from the workout.

3) Text or Answer the Phone During Sex.
Ladies, let’s keep it real… there is nothing remotely cute about hearing your “Hello and How Are You’s ” through moanful stutters only to be told seconds later, “Girl, I got-ta, ahhh, call you… back, because… oooh Tyrone… bye girl.” Your friends can wait those 5 short minutes to tell you about the latest article on Clutch, and I’m sure your guy would appreciate your full attention for the short duration of the ride.

4) Try to Become an Acrobat Overnight.
I understand we’re all impressed by Pink’s performance last week on the Grammy’s, but that doesn’t mean you should run home and attempt a “sit spin,” a “bridge” or a couple of cartwheels in the bedroom, if you’re not at all familiar with the technique. It’s cool to spice up the lovemaking, but anything too risky could harm your man as well as yourself in the process.

5) Bring Up Your Past Sex Life, or Inquire About His.
Do you really want to know how many women he did that trick too, or can you just be satisfied with how amazing it was and try to believe that he saved his best techniques just for you? Also: he doesn’t want to know how Renaldo laid it down in the bedroom, or how you were able to achieve multiple orgasms every time Keith slid his hand this way or moved his leg that way while you two were between the sheets. Show some respect for the “Here and Now.”

6) Call Him Another Man’s Name.
Do I even need to explain this one? Next…

7) Fake an Orgasm.
It’s bad enough that sometimes our needs are unfortunately forgotten, but pretending you’re satisfied when you’re not won’t help your man aid in your reward from the pleasure cruise. If he assumes by all the moaning and groaning that you’re “finishing,” when your body is still standing in the starting block, he’ll cross the finish line without you, and he won’t even look back in your direction to see if you made it to the other side. The Trick: Lay silent, and it’ll force him and his ego to work overtime to give you what you need to bring your body over the rainbow to that pot of gold ecstasy that awaits on the other side.

8) Be a Tease or Start Something You Never Intended to Finish.
Don’t you hate it when someone comes up to you and says, “I got a secret… but I can’t tell anyone.” Your first thought is, “Well then why and the hell did you even bring it up?” The same holds true for sex. Ladies, if you know that you’re only trying to cuddle tonight, “86” the plot to get a man aroused and then leave him hanging. It’s wrong in more ways than one, and can lead to a laundry list of other problems, like sending a hungry wolf in another direction out into a sea of available sheep. A big excuse for cheaters is the argument that they couldn’t get it at home from their woman, so they left and got it from someone else. This doesn’t mean you have to perform every time he asks, but there’s no point in grabbing a microphone, if you don’t intend to belt out a note.

9) Just Lie There and Do Nothing.
“Earth to Alaina, are you there? I couldn’t tell in the dark since you’re not moving an inch.” It isn’t the man’s job to do all the work in the bedroom, especially since sex is a partnership. Often times women get this desire to only be manhandled, or tossed around like a Barbie doll, but trust and believe men want a woman who will put in work too and get just as sweaty during the heat of the moment as he does. Remember: Your man’s not into necrophilia, (and if he is, point him in the direction of the nearest morgue). Move around a little, take control from time to time, anything either than exhibiting the behavior or someone who’s either dead or uninterested.

10) Critique His Performance.
You win some, you lose some, but there’s no need for scorecards or consultations after he just put it down in the bedroom. Sure your last partner might have done this or that better, or maybe he could use a little more umph in his stroke, -there’s plenty of time to get it right without words being said. You can tell him what you need for him to do better by showing him during the act; by taking a little control of the situation without offending his self-esteem. Remember: It’s just sex, not So You Think You Can Dance.

And for the Men:

1) Shower Directly After Sex, and Rush Home.
Whatever happened to cuddling, and more importantly, where the heck are you going at this hour of the night? For many women sex brings about a whole lot of expectations, unless, the two of you are on common ground as far as “your situation” is concerned. The mindset of many women is that if they put in their best “work” and then in turn see their guy roll right out of bed, shower, and take off, it gets them wondering: a) What’s the hurry?, and b) Who are you getting all cleaned up for, to rush off and go see in the middle of the night. Your other girlfriend? Things that make you say hmm.

2) Fart, Burp, or Do Anything Else That Might Spoil the Mood of the Afterglow.
Dude, that’s disgusting, and furthermore why are you funking up the mood with smells either than the distinct perfume of our passionate lovemaking? It’s cool to be comfortable with your mate, but in reality don’t let your comfort become a moodbuster or a reason to evacuate the premises.

3) Discuss Your Girlfriends Weight or Body Image While They’re in the Buff.
If you’re aren’t complimenting your Lady Friend on how wonderful she looks whilst in her “Birthday Suit,” then don’t try and make this the perfect opportunity to ask her why she hasn’t been using that membership to the gym you bought her for Christmas. Being nude, and/or comfortable with your body image is already a bit of an awkward subject for a lot of women, so the last thing she needs is the critical eye of a man who’s “Sizing Her Up,” when he’s supposed to be “Loving Her Down.” Sex is not the time to tell a woman you’ve “noticed” she gained a few extra pounds… or even that you can see that she’s lost some. You’re supposed to be looking in her eyes. *wink wink*

4) Ask Her About Her Girlfriends.
Most men don’t give two shakes about how our besties are doing, even when we bombard them on a regular basis with our personal gossip. But when a man shows an interest in how Alicia is doing, or how Tracy’s getting along, while the two of you are spooning and cooling off, a woman begins to wonder why her friends are on his mind seconds after the sex is over. I mean really now fellas, you’re both naked and exhausted. A woman’s friends shouldn’t be of a concern or even a personal thought during the heat of the moment, unless you have a hidden agenda that you’re working your way up to sharing.

5) Perform an Act of Selfishness.
Listen, I understand that it might take some women all day and half a night to finally reach that moment when they’re able to see fireworks stretch across the ceiling, but at least aid in them getting there. It’s selfish to grow so impatient that you finish, turn over, and leave your girlfriend to fend for herself. If you take the time to learn her body, and know the little things that it takes to turn her on, it’ll make it that much easier to guide her in the right direction, and cut the time in half that it takes for you both to achieve a shared sensation.

6) Skip Foreplay.
This is a no-brainer. Just remember, everything feels at least a hundred times better for a woman when you build up to the action. Don’t just dive in. Take a little extra time out on the shore, to become more familiar with the awaiting waters.

7) Assume That Your Woman Will Get in The Mood, Just Because You Are.
Why set yourself up for failure or a case of Blue Cojones when reaching for the impossible. Know the position of your target, or don’t waste your time aiming. If your woman is already exhibiting traits of someone who’s only up for cuddling, or boarding a solo trip towards slumberland, hitting her up for sex is the equivalent to dangling some meat in front of a vegetarian; a sheer waste of time. Yeah I know… when the party is good, we want to attend every night. But if you know the door is purposely locked, wait for a better time to try and insert your key.

8) Compare Her To Your Ex Girlfriends.
“I wish I could remember how Sheila used to do that, but all I know is that it felt sooo good.” Well maybe you should call her then, don’tcha think? And leave me the hell alone!

9) Try to Multitask During Sex.
Turn the Television off please, or at least wait until the game is over. There’s nothing worse than being in the moment with someone who’s barely there. Actually, there is something worse, which leads me too…

10) Apologize
Dude, we understand… things happen. We know that sometimes you’re just overly excited which can make it hard for you to hold your feelings in, if you get my drift. But there’s no need for a speech or timeless apologies to last longer than the “premature issue” that triggered this whole conversation in the first place. Use that extra time to bring yourself back in the mood, so your apology can be spelled out through your actions.

So Clutchettes and Gents, what are some other things you think women and men shouldn’t do in the bedroom?

26 Comments

  1. Hpradagirl

    LMAO….yes please turn the TV off…so rude!..

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  2. Jeweleast9

    Very funny!

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  3. OH MY…whew…this was a great article…funny too but great!

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  4. I love this article! Some of this should already be known though.

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  5. HAHA
    Yes and YES. Fabulous article <3

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