There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Single
Over the past two years I’ve heard the same story about Black women still being single at age 30 – 38. One thing that brothers like me know is that women aren’t taking into account what’s really going on around them and with them. First of all, why are Black women in such a hurry to get married? Why the urgency? Is it because of the media? Is it because all the reality shows are about love? Is it because women want to have kids by a certain age? I don’t care what anyone says, you can’t force a man to be with you. If you do you set yourself up for failure. You never allowed him to form his own reason for being with you. Also, don’t desire a man just for the sake of having one. That defeats the whole purpose of a relationship. If you go this route the union will be based on a false ideal. ABC News Nightline asked the question: ” Why Are 42% of successful Black women single?” 42% of Black women having never been married who said they were looking for Black men earlier in their lives, are now open to interracial dating. Those women should have been open to interracial dating in the first place instead of limiting themselves to Black men only. It doesn’t matter who you marry or date as long as you like them and they like you back.
Side Note: There is proof to show that many White women get married younger than Black women. I saw it for myself in my “Oral Communications” class. We all had to get up and say a few things about ourselves and there were two white females and a white male who stated they were either engaged or already married. They were also in their junior and senior years. None of the Black students in the class talked about being engaged or married.
Things would be better if we hold back on affection like hugging and kissing as little as possible when we start relationships with the opposite sex. It keeps you from being distracted. This will allow you to get to know the person for who they really are instead of liking him or her for being a good kisser. There is nothing wrong with hugging and kissing. What I’m talking about is the tight grip hugs and the long drawn out kissing with tongue. It causes your mind to go somewhere else and we all know where that is. When you get deeper into the relationship, you notice things that you couldn’t see in the beginning when you were doing all the kissing instead of asking the questions.
People also have goals. The women in the ABC story were successful as well as attractive, but also very busy. They all had Bachelor degrees or were pursuing Masters and PhD’s. Who has time for a relationship when you’re pursuing things like this? I know I don’t. I personally would rather not have a girlfriend when just starting college because it’s just a distraction for me right now. Statistically, when guys have girlfriends in college they will come out with a low GPA, and the girl they were trying to impress the whole semester will have a 3.5 GPA. Then, the guy is looking around, feeling stupid and asking himself what happened.
So, what I suggest is if there is a guy you like, take the time to be friends first instead of jumping into an exclusive relationship. Although there should be some form of monogamy between the two of you, I encourage you to be patient. One more thing to keep in mind that men aren’t always going to say they like you. I think if women will simply let a man know they like him, he’ll be more likely to gravitate to you because he already knows for sure that you like him. I don’t mean be all over the guy, but you know sometimes girls should ask for a guy’s number or ask him out on a date. Women say they want a 50/50 relationship. Well, that’s part of it too.
My whole reason for writing this is to let black women know its okay to be single. Don’t be in such a hurry to get into a relationship and get married. It’s Okay.
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Want to know why people say things like this Boo Boo? Cause it's true.
okay so anybody else noticing a theme here?
Being 30 + I wouldn’t take relationship advice from anyone 20 anything.
im very mature for my age, lol, seriously
I appreciate that, but as a 31 year old that has no desire to have babies (yes I said babies) at 40 and with aging parents, my timeline is a little different.
And before anyone starts I actually am one of the ones that is committed to having children even if I never get married. I love myself too much to put my life on hold waiting for some guy to come around.
Ok I loved this article! Maybe I think like Aaron (major kudos), but I completely understand his points.
I just think many of comments here aren’t a reflection on the writer’s work, bt on deep painful issues some people have. Why so much anger? If you are that passionate about it, please write a blog. And even so make it co
mprehensible for your reader.
Statistics are good sometimes Ms Hill, but I think Aaron was drawing from his own observations. I think that’s braver than throwing out numbers. Also, do consider that white women (and don’t smack me for this) are more open to marrying people from different races. Maybe I dont get it because I’m not in the US (South Africa) but why so much hype about black men? Does the the colour of his skin make him a better man? Cant I also say , ‘I want a good white/latino/japanese man in my life?’ My society battled for the freedom to date people from different races, and yet people here seem hell-bent against it…
Anyway what I’m getting to is that there are no hard fast rules about marriage. It’s a big decision and should’nt be rushed. So if black women still can’t find that good man, it must mean they are looking in the wrong places…
Some people, I really cannot understand.
They will acknowledge a problem that is attacking the collective by leveraging a sub-group (single black women) within the collective but then they put forward the, “do what is best for YOU” or “what’s most important is YOUR…” or anything relating to or with the word ‘fantasy ‘…..solutions that encourage individualism, encourage more fracturing and fatefully more division…..to be consumed and become a part of the very same society/power that will always by definition be against the group…..to destroy exactly what Clutch is all about.
*shakes head*
Love is a branch of politics; just like religion is really a branch of politics and we all know politics and power are synonymous. We know where we are in the world regarding power so I think it is tragic that we have our people who are either ignorant of this or betrayingly act against our true benefit regarding it.
You go to a good school, get a good job and then it is not the Afrikan American community who reaps the benefit in the end. Tragic. Isn’t it time we see that these systems are not built for the benefit for us as a whole especially when we engage with them passively and with the ignorance of the doctrine of integration or without a plan ?
There are some nations whose governments send their best students to study at the best universities in the world. When finished they return immediately to return the benefit to their nation. No surprise that now these nations are forecast to be the world’s next super powers. Getting Afrikan-Americans to think as a nation and orientate themselves so is like squeezing blood from a stone. The fear of a rebukal from Europeans is what I think is keeping them back. Still tied. I think most of them think they are European because they have been integrated into that supposedly superior reality and so feel no way to rebel against, negate away from, belittle, defame with impunity aspects of their true black/Afrikan identity. Identity confusion, fear or denial leads to no loyalty where it is truly needed.
I went to a good school and now approaching my 30’s I am still single but I see no reason to complain or rush anything. For me as a man I can execute my life plan over a longer period of time. I have to build strong, solid foundations in all aspects of life before I can think about taking on innocent and vulnerable children who will be totally dependent on me. I know exactly where to go to find the type of Afrikan woman I want when I am ready: the black/Afrikan progressive cultural groups (hopefully who haven’t been groped by Western feminism).
One thing I acknowledge is that as a young black person with letters after your name it doesn’t entitle you to anything, especially when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. A piece of paper or niche knowledge I feel is one thing but then extending the spiritual, cultural and historical reality that you belong to by working with someone else to grow that is something completely different far away from the education-career reality that belongs to this dying experiment called the United States of America.
Thanks for your response. Your neocolonial reference is very real, and sadly getting past the indoctrination of the masses and on to the real issues raised by the topic is incredibly difficult.
I love the discussion this article stirred; that alone made it worthwhile.
However, I don’t think I’m going to forgo graduate or professional school so that I’ll have idle time just in case my loverman comes along. :) I have white counterparts in law school who are in relationships, engaged, and married (Black as well, my mentor for one) so that “busy” excuse doesn’t really stack up against the reality of the situation. People will make time for each other if they want to, or at least come to an understanding about priorities. I’ve dated guys in graduate school and I’ve never had a problem.
I do agree about the interracial thing, Aaron. I don’t think Black women should look to other races as a last resort. Race is a social reality, but little else. I don’t mind dating outside of my “race,” I have and I will continue to do so if I have a connection with someone. But I can fully understand why people marry others with similar ethnic backgrounds. Its common ground. Its the same reason why you smile when someone says your favorite song is their favorite song, too. I also value the Black family, and I feel as though if people want to strengthen its ties, they shouldn’t be abused for that. We get enough dirt thrown at us, and no one can understand the realities of that like we can.
Nice feedback, ladies!
Re: ‘Race is a social reality, but little else’
I think that’s understandably easy to say when it possibly comes from a passive or even ignorant (don’t take it the wrong way) stance on the full details of our story and, richness and depth of our Afrikan identity and culture. The more I learn about myself the more I respect and cherish it and find it extremely difficult to compromise it in any way. There are sooo many wonderful thinngs to learn you will never have enough time !
I would say this is the same stance that magazines like Clutch take where your African identity is treated almost objectively, shallowly, something at a distance; it doesn’t pervade you entirely. I get the feeling from these outlets that it is not something that is encouraged to GROW organically from its ROOT/ESSENCE.
People from other backgrounds/cultures come into our communities and sell us the products we should be selling to ourselves and set up the businesses that we should set up for ourselves. The restaurants, gas stations, cornershops etc. All these come from the fact that these people are close and organised. Their identity, culture and history drives and informs their function.
I ‘somewhat’ agree with this article. You made some good points.
I’m sick of young women ‘worrying’ that they’ll never get married and have kids. Why do some women think they need that to feel complete? Whats so bad about being single?
I hate how media outlets like propagandizing these things.
All the sudden Black women are important now? I do agree that ‘racial preferences’ is whats keeping some of these complaining women, from getting what they want. But they just want to scare women into a frenzy, to get married. The ones who fall for the trick, will regret it in later years. Dont fall for the hype, ladies and dont rush into a relationship, cause the media wants to constantly report on it. They need to get out our anuses. Seriously…
They’re obsessed with our hair, they’re obsessed with our “marital status”, they’re obsessed who we want to date, they’re obsessed with our skin color. Ughh white media needs to stop !!
And do some people care to think that some Black women don’t want to be married to a man? no matter his complexion?
There’s a lot in that percentage that’s being left out. When did all Black women become straight? What of the Black lesbians? Bisexuals? How much do they make in that 42%?
That so-called news special was dumb as hell. If they wanna research Black women, they should do it well.
“I just think many of comments here aren’t a reflection on the writer’s work, bt on deep painful issues some people have.”
Ok . . .
“Why so much anger?”
Probably because this article isn’t any different from the bill of fare it professes to challenge or refute. I can’t help but laugh at some of the backlash over the criticism (Um Ok, Sugarbee, others), as if most of the disparaging comments haven’t been bolstered with intelligent analysis deeper than that of the original work itself. Maybe I’m desensitized to the word “crap,” but in my experience when people use the word “crap,” it’s used as a more genteel, classy, and respectful euphemism for the word “sh!t.” As people stated earlier, this article is chock full of half truths, random, scratch your head in confusion types of facts (Side note), and other silliness. I’ve read this article something like three times now, and call me crazy, but when an article is titled “There’s Nothing Wrong with Being Single” I expect to read about why there’s nothing wrong with being single. The title this piece is misleading because the article addresses everything but that.
Knock Steve Harvey, if you want, but he didn’t come across sounding moronic in the Nightline segment. It may have just been how the report was edited, but his criticism was even handed. On the one hand he said that maybe the older generation of black men didn’t do enough to mentor the younger generation, and on the other hand he told the women that some of their expectations may be unrealistic (“You make 150K a year. He has to make 150K or more?”) I agree with people taking it slow and not rushing into things. That’s always good advice. I also agree that it’s nice to hear the male perspective on this issue, but this is not a great effort (I’m being polite), and quite frankly I don’t know who’s more to blame, you (Turner) or your editor for putting you out here like this.
White women have responsible, working and family oriented men to choose from.
This article brought Clutch’s male readers out of lurkdom!!! LOL
i agree with you 100% i’m only 19 and I already understand everything your saying very well.. i’ve only been in one relationship and that was almost 2 years ago.. and like you were saying.. its better to wait if your in college..pursuing a career etc, and not feel like u NEED a man to “complete you” or JUST BECAUSE everyone else has one..well written :)
Hello, Solgar.
Coming from a person who’s studied African and African American studies for years, including on a collegiate level, I understand the importance, the diversity, and the depth of the continent and the reality faced by the children of its diaspora. I acknowledge the experience of African Americans as a double consciousness – that race is the most powerful and influential social reality in existence; but that is where it ends. What I meant by that statement is that race is a man-made social construction with no scientific basis. With that being said, if you allow something that is as invalid as race to deter meaningful relationships with others, I believe there is a problem. I believe you are confusing the importance of ethnography and cultural foundations with race. All peoples considered Black are not ethnically synced.
My comments are only my opinions and not a reflection of Clutch Magazine.
Respectfully,
Gabrielle.
I feel that studying something rather than doing it or, for me personally, being born into it and living it are two different things. The study of it just objectifies it and renders it to something which is easily dispensable. It is not integral to your being because it has not been an organic part of your own growth process and life experience.
I don’t feel we are obliged to have ‘meaningful relationships’ with anyone or are we being held at gun point to do so. Again, taking a personal and unobjective view we need to turn the focus on ourselves and be involved in a living, breathing, organic process of changing our story by hunkering down and doing some serious work with ourselves. We need to take responsibility of and act relative to what has been our story and reality.
Other peoples throughout the world, and those in America who are reaping what they can for their people whilst they can, are not waiting for acceptance, approval or some coming into being. They are not waiting to or falling head over heels to have ‘meaningful relationships’ with other people. They are there and they are doing it. They are doing what they can whilst they can for themselves and clearly do not see a ‘problem’ is doing so. We even support them and their businesses.
Some of these peoples are set to become the world’s next super powers.
I would be suspicious of efforts to emphasis cultural or ethnic differences among Afrikans. A single continent wide constitutional system existed throughout Afrika.
Um, ok, sloane..haha! Just a note – in conversations people may digress, its natural. LOL
But I agree, some things said are not relevant to the article. Which brings me back to the personal issues I was talking about. Then again, I may be thinking too simply… there are many factors that come into women deciding when or with whom they’ll start a family with.
Either way, Im with Alexandra with her comment, “They’re obsessed with our hair, they’re obsessed with our “marital status”. The media fuels a lot of fear – because this is what this boils down to – which makes women think it really isnt ok to be single. A women may think “Im 40+ and single, I cannot be loved!” And the fact that said woman has a PhD doesnt seem to matter so much anymore…THAT is a big problem in my view. It seems to be an inverse to the role women (of all races) are trying to establish in today’s day and age.
this article & comments make me wanna go home and kiss my fiance and tell him much I love & appreciate him.
being single sux lol
On to next one
Definitely respect your opinion, Solgar. You bring a different view to Clutch that we appreciate, and I hope this article does not deter you from continuing a positive relationship with Clutch. :)
All in love,
Gabrielle
Oh to be young…
As someone who used to think the same way at 21-25, I understand why it may come off as whining to some. I thought that life was planned a certain way and when I was good and ready, I would marry and have kids. At 29, that is not so certain now. I resent the fact that people say things like ” what’s the big deal, or why do you feel you need that to be complete?” I prefer not to be 45, sitting at home by myself…and so what?
Not to say that your life cannot be filled with other things, such as volunteering, religion, work, etc, but I want to have a family. I don’t consider that whining or longing for something that is out of reach. As you get older, your priorities shift and superficial things like fly clothes and material objects become less important.
I respect the author’s opinion, but I don’t think you have the right to tell someone else what kind of approach they should be taking to their life.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with being single just like I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a spouse.
Young love should be celebrated. There are hundreds of couples who supported one another through college and grad school. Stories of young love that have stood the test of time.
There will always be statistics that show 40% this and 25% that…I always ask myself, how are the other 60% or 75% doing?
I’m personally tired of “them” labeling single Black women as having some type of problem. Making them a villain of sort, a societal puzzle that needs to be solved, or else!
Maybe they aren’t married because of this or maybe they aren’t married because of that…Maybe they aren’t married because they simply are not married.
I would also agree with a poster that the article is a bit sexist. why can’t a woman safely enjoy her sexuality while singe? Explore who she is sexually with men, as we encourage bachelors to do in this society? Why, would one(not just the author) suggest that a healthy sexy vibrant woman in her twenties not party, hang out and enjoy safe sex in between classes or semesters?
I’m a married woman of two children who has lived on both sides. I ENJOYED being single therefore I can ENJOY being married. I think this is the message to young Black professionals.
HAVE FUN!!!!
There’s nothing wrong with having a relationship (bf & gf, Fiancee, marriage) Just don’t do it for the wrong reason. If you are single at any age don’t try to force anything just be patient, the right person will come along.
a mess.
chickens shouldnt give flying lessons.
who authorized publishing this tomfoolery lol…..
IN ALL THINGS CONSIDER THE SOURCE. some people don’t know any better because theyve never experienced better or even lived long enough to know better. Listening to a single person on any kind of relationship advice will keep you just like them: SINGLE.
don’t take the bait.
lol @ single people not even of legal drinking age giving marriage advice. sit down.
No offense, but that sentiment is a little ridiculous. Of course single people can comment on relationships. I am 26, single and have had long term relationships (4+ years), and see nothing wrong with being single. One of my biggest pet peeves with my female friends is when they have conversations about how they want to be married by the time they are 30 so they can start having kids. I don’t think it’s healthy, practical or realistic to place timelines on your life initiatives when you are not the only party involved. People should want to get married/have kids because they have found someone that they want to be with, not so they can check off a life goal box.
And while I agree with some of what Ms. Hill is saying, I don’t think people should strive to get married and have a family so they don’t have to be alone or take themselves to the hospital when they are older. True, it is easier to have someone later in later, but for me that isn’t a good enough reason to go off looking for a mate and possibly making a bad decision. Everyone is different, which is why these stories/reports are silly to me, as a whole. Just depends on where your priorities are.
Ok, so the numbers are surprising. But ladies, are we really surprised? Black women have been asking for years why all the “good” black men are in jail, or gay.. Time to stay focused on yourself and God.