On Cheating Fathers and their Daughters
I grew up in a loving home – both parents, older sister, older brother. I went to good schools my entire life and was educated by great teachers and peers. I’ve been in good and bad relationships, all of which I’ve learned from. You might say I have my head on straight.
I vividly remember the day my college roommate, stomped into my dorm room and in a fit of tears yelled, “_(nameless)__ is cheating on me! I’m through. My mother was right. All guys cheat. You can’t trust any of them. They’ll betray you every time.”
The avid girlfriend supporter and boyfriend hater-when-I-needed-to-be wanted to go with her to car keys and post up outside of locker rooms. But instead, the calmer, rational-thinking, tea-sipping psychologist surfaced, put away her ideologies on the behavior of men, threw on her glasses, and got to work.
Whoa. All guys cheat? That’s a pretty broad statement. Not to mention it was a statement that bred a future of bitterness, frown lines, and high cholesterol. I sat her down.
“He’s wrong for that. But just because your mother believes one thing doesn’t mean you have too. You’re not a mirror of your mother. Repeat after me: ‘I am not my mother. Not all men are the same.’ Maybe you should try to work it out.”
Ironically, I had given her this advice while I was in a relationship of my own, and shamelessly cheating. Looking back now I know I didn’t grasp the concept of “we are who our parents are”. And it wasn’t until that moment that I realized that although I had gotten a full set of good traits from mine, I had an equal amount of bad ones that I wasn’t aware of.
My father is a great dad; Like really cool. He could rival any man for a dad of the decade award. When I was younger, I had a t-shirt that read, “When I grow up, I want to be like my daddy.” The influence he had on me was clear. As I got older, I heeded his insight and monitored his actions. Overtime, something had changed.
I would see my father on Friday mornings before I left for school, and then I wouldn’t see him again until it was time for football on Sunday. He would take trips out of town for a few days (sans my mother), and wouldn’t tell us where he was going or who he was with. That kind of thing. And it’s important to note: my father is an adult – not a boy, not a young man. When this occurred he was a full-fledged 50 plus grownup.
I ignored it. After all there are just certain subjects you don’t broach. But, I began to wonder about what I fondly call… the cheating gene. A gene that seems to present itself in nearly everyone I know with the exception of a devout few. It might as well be as common as the X and Y chromosome.
Many girls who are witnesses to their parents’ “cheating genes” determine that they are going to do one of two things. They are going to go above limits to make their personal relationships work. Or, they will accept the fact that men cheat and will always cheat and well…that’s how it’s going to be.
I was different. I was going to be just like my daddy.
I strutted around with my nose in the air and my heart tucked safely away from my sleeve. My mantra became: No man will cheat on me. I will cheat on them.
It was a full proof plan. I cheated, churning good brothers into bad boys, all the while leaving some new woman to pick up the pieces of my insecurities. Halfway through my relationships, I would send ole’ boy packing for some new man and then repeat the process. Inevitably those bad boys, who held their ego in high esteem, morphed into players and cheated on their women.
It’s quite possible that one of those women was my roommate.
I was the one who let the guy go for fear of them cheating on me. If my father, who was well in his golden years, was doing it, then it was bound to happen to me too… right? It was the age old narrative, play or get played.
So, a message to cheating fathers on their daughters. The cycle continues. Take care of what you do and who you do it with. Society still coins the phrase, “Boys will be boys.” But in an era where women are eagerly flashing their independent woman lapels, recognize that girls will be girls.
Writer and philosopher, Elbert Hubbard once said, you have to “live truth instead of professing it.” Trust me, we are far more affected by the decisions that you make than you realize.
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The cycle only continues if you decide to let it continue. You made the conscious decision to follow after your father. You say, “Trust me, we are far more affected by the decisions that you make than you realize.” Every person is born with the free will to do as they choose. No one’s failures of yesterday should dictate your successes of today. You cannot blame others for “influencing you”. It is the action that you decide to take following that influence that matters.
When I saw the title of the article I thought it was going to go in a totally different direction…
OMG girl, this is so true. I have these same insecurities, but believe it or not, I learned them from my mother. She was always talking mess about my father cheating on her when they got a divorce. But even at my young age, I noticed that she used to treat her boyfriends like shit, running over them and two timing them for other men. She use to always tell me that she was just dating, but I know those brothers didn’t deserve what she did to them. Anyway, she eventually told me that she got it from her daddy and she was attracted to the playa type who she said my daddy was. Now after realizing that, I’ve done my part, playing plenty brothers and using them for the things they would do for me. When I finally fell for one in college, I fell hard. The thing is he left me because he felt, he couldn’t trust me and I was really trying to turn things around. I regret what I did to him, and I feel like this whole vicious cycle is something we need to stop before it manifests in our kids. Thanks for writing this and I hope more brothers and sisters take notice.
While I partially agree with Sia on the responsibility aspect, I also think that your influences subconsciously play into your actions. I’ve had friends with the best intentions that just couldn’t get their shit together and I on the other hand, I’ve had friends who are insecure like all hell and are quick to be suspicious of their man for any reason. They feel like every man wants to cheat, so they become these insecure monsters who sneak around and try to hack their man’s passwords and get their phone records!
Dreux…this article speaks volumes on soo many levels. This was amazing bc little that we know, is that its a cycle (generational curse) that affects us from generations prior to us being born! Its up to us to break what has happened to mom, grandma and great grandma and NOT let it happen to us and skew our view on men.
Great job girly …you rock!
Great article Dreux!
You addressed an old topic from a new and interesting perspective. As Sia mentioned, we have free will but we must not forget the impact our parents and the people around us have; cheating isn’t a new concept its often something we’ve witnessed. It’s cyclical.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Wholeheartedly agree with Damala. Influences can subconsciously play into your actions even with the best intentions. As the author, My dad was a great father but he loved the ladies and had a way of quietly shutting down when he was angry/sad.
It was a battle sometimes to rationalize the right thing to do when I see so much of my father in myself. I’d shut down and push people away. I looked at other men when I’m in a relationship. I never cheated/boldly flirted yet the thoughts are there – ‘Guys don’t have as much feelings as women do. They’ll get over my cheating quickly and I’d be absolved of my future sins.’ ‘When guys cry, they’re faking it’.It’s CRAZY thinking. I know. 0.<
Now? I have to say my thoughts and the way I treat men have gotten a thousand times better the day I decided that I was human. Sometimes, I will make mistakes and at times have these thoughts. I will be there for me no matter what. I'll think before I act and try to do the best for myself(and that little girl inside me).
Good article, at a young age we take are cues about the opposite sex from the people around us and if they are dysfunctional then chances are were going to go the same way. We just have to make a conscious effort to break the cycle.
This is a wonderful article. I have to face my own demons when it comes to cheating because I grew up in a stable home, two parents that was married over 10 years and brothers. My father was great to me and is wonderful but he had a flaw of cheatinga few times and it not only affected my mother but affected me as well. For a long time I hated the idea of marriage and thought All men are dogs and stray eventually so why get close to one and let them do it to me. Until I realized that just because my father had that flaw doesn’t mean I will meet the a man with his flaw or that I will inherit his flaw. It is all about personal choices of cheating or not cheating. Just because my father fell short I won’t place his shortcomings on all men or bare that responsibility on myself.
finally, I think it is important for Daughters to forgive their fathers. Most people think that when someone cheats in a marriage that it only affects the mother when that is not true, it affects your kids to and both parents need to sit down one on one or together and talk to their kids about it and stress the importance of forgiveness because for a long time I was mad at my father for cheating on my mom and ruining our household so that is something parents “especially” fathers need to address to their daughters and sons.
I can relate Binky. My parents have been married for 25yrs and they’re still together. But my dad is a cheater and always will be. He’s a good father, but he’s not perfect. And thats one of his biggest flaws. 90% of the issues my parents had in their marriage came from his infidelity. When I was young I didn’t understand, but well into HS I knew what was going on, but I ignored it. I’m in college now and I just dont care anymore.
My mom always stuck around and thats what bothered me. I’ll admit that I do look down on my mom for staying with him, I think its pathetic. His cheating affected everyone in the house, and I hated that I could never have some peace sometimes. I always said I would never stay with a cheater. I dont judge all men, but I dont ever, ever, ever, ever want a husband like my dad.
I can forgive him, but I’ll never forget the pain he caused us all.
I definitely agree with this article. I am also a young woman who has both witnessed and been affected by my father’s infidelity. He fathered multiple kids w/ a number of different woman and I’ve noticed that I’ve become a woman who dates in multiples and if committed, leaves the relationship all the while looking for the next best thing….which my father did as well. Thanks, this was a great read. Thank god for power of change. This current state does not have to be a life sentence.
It’s wonderful that the author at least has gained some perspective and learned from her own mistakes. A lot of ppl would use their childhood and their parents infidelity as an excuse to continue to cheat! We truly are products of our environments, though-whether we realize it or not. We either spend a lifetime continuing what we saw or killing ourselves to be the exact opposite.
I can relate too. I am working very hard to NOT be my parents, the negative stuff anyway.
Brilliant article Dreux…
Allow me to share my experience;
I’ve grown up in a loving and stable family; my parents have been married 25 years, I’m the eldest of three children, and the only girl.
I’m 30 years of age and I’ve been in a committed relationship for the past 8 years.
When I was 21, an old school friend of mine told me that she’d seen some photographs that were taken at a mutual friend’s family gathering. She noticed that my Dad was in a few of the pictures, posing with a woman, who wasn’t my Mom, and a young boy.
I knew nothing.
I was so proud of the fact that out of all of my friends, my family was the typical ideal of a happy and successful Black family…
I wrestled with these questions for weeks, months…’Is it true?’, ‘How could I not know?’ The day I had it confirmed was the day I sneaked a peek at a text message on my Dad’s phone. That was the day that the love that I had for my Dad slipped. This was my Dad. The man that I idolised; the benchmark for any man that I could ever wish to share my life with, and he had been revealed to be, to me, the ultimate liar.
He had destroyed any feelings of trust I had in him. My ideal of ‘manhood’ had been shattered somewhat. To this day I find it almost unforgivable; hey, shit happens, and I find that I’ve lost a little respect for my Mom too.
She obviously knew, and had kept it secret for years; even now only my parents, myself and my two younger brothers know that we have a ‘random’ brother living not too far away – a fact revealed the night before my 29th birthday! A year or so after my Dad had come round from life-saving surgery, and my ‘random’ brother, his Mom and Grandfather turned up at the hospital to see him…When I asked my Mom who they were (I already knew of course), she was already halfway down the hospital corridor, having given this boy and his Mom the side eye…
I grew up thinking as most little girls do, that I was destined to ‘marry a man just like my Daddy’.
Now I’m in a relationship with the man that I’m going to spend the rest of my days with, I’m so glad he’s not.
I have to say that the gene doesn’t always come from your father. Although most of us would like o blame the men for everything. My mother is the one who couldn’t be faithful and still to this day can’t commit. Now most likly she got this from her father but it has made it really hard for me as a young women to be faithful in my relationship. My mother never talked about how guys were cheaters I just always saw her with more than one man and I just always thought that’s how you do it. Sadly realizing that she had a problem gave me the strenght to work harder at being a one man women.