It Is Rape Culture
Oh Twitter, how much foolishness you bring in to my daily life. This past Friday, comedian/Twitter superstar Lil’ Duval started a Trending Topic: #itaintrape. Scum of all creeds and colors (and both genders) shared their despicable anecdotes about questionable sexual situations:
@CherRay1inamili #ItAintRape if you dont remember it happened” #drunksex
@SolidariusBass #itaintrape if you pay for it first…
@lilduval: #itaintrape if I fly u in
@DatGuyTiquan #itaintrape if I bout you popcorn and a drink… then u Didnt eat it
Most of the tweets I saw on the subject spoke of sex as a required payment for financial investments, though a lot had to do with intoxication. While a lot of people had the knee jerk “OMG! Rape is bad! Doesn’t Lil’ Duval have a daughter? Rape isn’t funny!” reaction (this Global Grind piece is a very well intentioned example), the notion of cash and drunkenness creating implied consent is one that must be explored in a broader context in order to prevent actual rapes, not merely quieting rape jokes.
One of my dear friends is a graduate of Morehouse College. I recall him telling me about a class his freshman year in which the students were given a talk about the importance of getting verbal consent from a young woman before having sex. Many of the boys in his class made jokes and remarked that if she came to the room, she knew what was going down. This attitude is not limited to college students, rappers or comedians.
This is symptomatic of the global rape culture, which the editors of the book “Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape” provide an excellent example of here:
Ben Roethlisberger is the Super-Bowl-winning QB of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Last summer he was in Lake Tahoe for a celebrity golf tournament. While there, he flirted up a female host at Harrahs, the casino hotel where he was staying. Whether or not she voluntarily flirted with him is unknowable – as a rich, high profile celebrity, he knew that it was her job to flirt with him, and so did she. That’s rape culture. When men make choices about what women do with their sexuality, that strengthens the idea that men can control women’s bodies.
The following night, he called her to say his TV wasn’t working – would she come take a look? She couldn’t find a tech person to do it, so she went herself, knowing that she had to do everything possible to keep her celeb guest happy. Once up there, she discovered a perfectly functioning TV. And then, allegedly, Roethlisberger blocked her exit and raped her. That’s rape.
When she reported the attack to Harrah’s security chief Guy Hyder, he declined to investigate and allegedly told her that she was “overreacting” and that “most girls would feel lucky to get to have sex with someone like Ben Roethlisberger.” He also told her to either keep it from their boss at Harrah’s, or to tell their boss they’d had sex voluntarily, in order to keep everybody happy. That’s rape culture. When people in power refuse to take women’s rape charges seriously, it means there are no consequences for rapists, which makes them more free to rape.
Far too many people think that rape is only a matter of knife-wielding thugs in dark alleys or extreme cases of sexual violence against children. However, there are a lot of men (and women) who don’t grasp the notion that a naked woman in their beds is not necessarily a willing participant in sex. A lot of people who think that a woman who sits and enjoys an expensive meal on a man’s dime has thus entered a non-verbal sexual contract. And others who may believe that consent for one sexual act implies consent for a different act (or even a repeat performance of an act that was already performed).
Rape jokes are merely a symptom of a greater problem. And while they trigger reactions in rape victims and desensitize others, to truly fight rape culture, we have to go beyond “Don’t joke about the bad stuff.” We must make it clear that accepting gifts, trips or meals from men does not entitle them to our bodies. We must make it understood that a few simple words- “Do you want to do this?” can be the difference between a case of “blue balls” and a date rape. It’s not enough not to laugh. We have to change the way we act if we want to stop rape from “trending” in real life.
44 Comments – Add Yours
Latest Articles
Most Popular This Week
Recent Comments
-
simplyme on
Meagan Good Tells Life & Style She & Her Fiancée Are Waiting For Their Wedding Night
agreed
-
grateful on
Meagan Good Tells Life & Style She & Her Fiancée Are Waiting For Their Wedding Night
haffie is very right.
-
Elle Michelle on
The Black Beauty Standard
@Ms. Quita: I can relate. I'm 5'3" and 110 lbs. While I haven't received blatant criticism from black men regarding my looks, I have...
-
grateful on
Meagan Good Tells Life & Style She & Her Fiancée Are Waiting For Their Wedding Night
this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very good article!
Thank you so much! Date rape is so prevalent to the point that the term hasn’t existed for that long, and women had no language for what they had experienced besides it being ‘a bad date’. it happened to me and I still carry a level of guilt and shame 16 years later. Date rape is also hard because you know the person and because it didn’t happen in a back alley or something. This is connected to our cultures misogyny, capitalism and many other deeply rooted areas. Other articles have pointed blame at the survivor (dress, ‘you agreed to go out with him’, etc) Thanks for writing from a perspective which holds men accountable.
What’s interesting is that I was the victim of stranger rape, grabbed by my car in a deserted parking lot I chose to escape the $10 fee of the venue’s garage. After knocking me down he punched me in the head until I dropped my fists, which he grabbed and held down while sitting on my chest. Afterwards, I sat in my car and cried. I called the friend I went with who left early with her boyfriend. She talked to me on my cell until I got home and told my mama who took me to the station the next morning. She wasn’t allowed in because I was 19. The police officers wouldn’t believe me because, quote, “Most people agree that rarely happens.” I pointed to the bruises at my temple, the knots you could feel under my thick hair, and they asked very sternly if I’ve been drinking or taking drugs. Did I fall? Was I pushed around? Then they asked me questions like it had been a robbery, and said they couldn’t believe anything happened because my purse wasn’t taken. I was also asked offensive questions like was I wearing makeup cause you know any woman in lipstick is a whore… Because it was dark and I could only give a general description of the stranger, the two officers told me I had a weak case, they’d write up a report but didn’t expect much from it. My mama took me home to shower. I don’t remember being offered a rape kit, and I felt so confused and angry I know I didn’t remember to ask for one.
So when is rape rape? How can another person tell someone if they have or haven’t been raped? You can’t be raped by someone you know, but you can’t be raped by a stranger if you’re a girl dressed nice who isn’t a virgin. How disgusting that guys make jokes out of our violence.
I think this is a very good article, however I feel as though the issue could be analyzed a bit more . Yes we live in a hypersexualized era, but I cant help feeling as though this “rape culture” should be called “dehumanizing of women” culture, because rape isn’t gender specific, and I feel as though women are the ones who are targeted, raped, and then aren’t taken seriously not because this rape culture teaches men that rape isnt really rape but consented sex, they’re not taken seriously because women in the media and everywhere else are constantly being dehumanized to ass, breasts, just an object, with no feelings or thoughts. To reverse this rape culture I think we need to reverse the way women are portrayed in the media.
[...] the frighteningly common attitudes that lead to many date rapes- appears over at Clutch Magazine. Click here to check it out and please leave some comments over there. Much [...]
This article is concise and right on time! I commend your journalism. we need to start the discussion on ending rape and, sexual misconduct globally!
Exactly.
I have a friend who said to me that she’d got blind drunk with some friends over in Ireland one weekend. She woke up next to a guy who’d long been interested in her, and who proceeded to gleefully recount just how many times he’d had sex with her and ejaculated. If you have to tell a sexual partner this, something is wrong! He was well pleased with himself, but she was racking her brains to figure out exactly when she’d given consent for this.
When I told her that her ‘friend’ was basically a rapist, it became clear to me that she blamed herself for getting into that situation. Also, as the guy was a friend of hers, she thought maybe it wasn’t ‘rape-rape’. As for the dude, he’d certainly not welcome being told he was a rapist, especially by someone who’d got into bed with him.
Women need to know what rape IS – not giving your consent, feeling coerced etc. – and we need to educate men to not see us as body parts, as potential willing partners whether we like it or not; that buying us drinks or making eye contact doesn’t guarantee our company for the night (I was once nearly dragged out of a club by the BROTHER of a dude I’d swayed disinterestedly with, as apparently I’d ‘agreed’ to leave with him).
Thank you for writing this! I read the Global Grind piece, and I didn’t even make the connection with the story about the 7 year old girl that was assaulted in New Jersey last week when I first heard about this! What kind of person thinks rape is funny? Actually, what kind of PARENT thinks rape is funny?
We need to do better.
I would like to thank the editor who placed my message in the list.
Evil humor isn’t symptomatic of the belief if you know someone on a personal level.
But putting one into a whole without knowing said person is easily more destructive and banal than trying to claim the culture of rape is thereby deeply ingrained in said person via ” he said it so he must have rape mind mentality”
I’ve too many close friends fallen prey to monsters. And I’ve watched strong women become broken by the system. But that does not mean. A useless trending topic on a site that wouldn’t exist if it was not for modern indulgence. Can not be humorously looked at.
Macciavelli was not totally correct; man is not inheriently evil. And if he was I am not of that breed. I endeavour to be more. And unless I care to look I may be the only man willing to comment after being used as a “network example”.
Why not find a more suitable target. Like chatroulette. We all KNOW that’s a monsters den. We do. To those who even want to rebuttle with a single sentence; save your breath. NO one I know has come back from that site with a GOOD vibe. That THING is an atrocity. Yet we “let” it exist.
Go help close down places like Motherless.com.
Save a starving child
be kind to a random person
But don’t act like extolling how someone who may not know the difference between being truly evil – and having the ability to just thinking dark humored about a messed up network(Twitter) is going to make you seem the pious flock.
Really if this was heinous. Why did Twitter allow it ” freedom of speech”?
Is that really how we hide our frayed logical ends?
With freedoms we wouldn’t (in our hearts) give to an evil man or woman?
This “please everyone but make sacrifice of the few” is a terrible perversity of macciavelli – the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few – now it’s – the few shall have a voice when rightously they do not have one but grouply we all will allow a failure of justice to commence and then sigh shrug and then buy the t-shirt in support of –
But again I don’t mind the publicity. Bad press is press nonetheless.
But at least I have the courage to speak my mind. And speak openly wihout borders. Without people like me. We would have no rights.
Because it’s minds like mine that break ground on the deceptions given
If one word describes me why not fish for a more long winded wording of mind. Oh right. Wouldn’t want that would we? Or to say Twitter should be torn down. Notwhe. Trending may be the new cash cow right?
*shakes head* if I am a madman. I am still more sane then the greater portion living…
All that incoherent rambling and terrible punctuation to say absolutely nothing. Bravo!
To be clear:
We should shut down another social media site because it makes people feel bad. We should not criticize rape jokes, because they fall under freedom of speech. And this is good press for you to promote what, exactly? The cause of implied concent via the acceptance of cash gifts?
I’m confused, to say the least. Especially because this piece spent less time criticizing the jokes than it did examining the culture of date rape that lends itself to the formation of said jokes. But I suppose that actual rape is not as worthy a cause to fight as…Chatroulette?
PS- LLOL @ “pious flock”. Oooh, you is soooo deep!
1st responder : I am sorry your intellegence is lacking the nesessary level to comprehend. But you are right on your own point : rape to men is a lesser known evil. Equality still has miles to go.
2ne responder: it was not rape I attacked; for I do not think we should do nothing. Secondly, YES! Shut down chatroulette…it of itself is a visual perversion. If it is not seen in the same light as rape ( as you are FORCED to see a mans penis. Or someones breasts) then we fail ouselves.
Not only does having the ability to leave the site not STOP the madness. Logicing that “I am not there, therefore it doesn’t matter to me” is as saying “my sister didn’t get raped so I don’t care”.
But I can see how someone who assumes I am attacking the article (which I wasn’t) could mistake my passion to have the gun leveled more rightly on the people/places/sites that ALLOW this to continue.
Thank you for reading both the original article and the replies.
At least no cussing insults or derogatory commets were made.
I just hope in time freedom of speech learns moderation. As we subject these replies to.
As we should all already know in our hearts. A movie does not = sex.
*shrugs* but I’m grammatically improper therefore?…..
*foghorn*
OMG, I was afraid that your unintellectual pompous diatribe would attract attention to everything but the topic of this article…and, it did.
First off, it’s “Machiavelli” and “inherently” (which were two of the multiple flagrant mistakes you made in your post).
Now that you explained yourself, your post makes some sense.
Equating chat roulette to rape is a bit of stretch. Yes, there is an element of sexual perversion but many communication scholars have seen the potential of this network for marketing. There’s the good and the bad. According to your theory, we might as well limit alcohol consumption because it’s an outlet for rape…or bars to that extent.
ANYWAYS, I really don’t want this post to affect the real issue at hand. I think we should have a frank discussion on rape.
We’ve become so desensitized to sex that we can no longer delineate between what is consensual and what is not.
Please keep this conversation going…we might get to the core of how the line has now been erased and redrawn. This website is a great avenue for that.
That is exactly right. You’re too smart for me. You would do well to get over yourself especially since you seem to have a hard time a putting together a sentence without a glaring error in it.
Dot: asking someone to keep the ball rolling and spelling checking them as well as calling their heartfelt words that s world that cries foul ove rape but let’s REAl perversions exist is wha we call hypocritcal.
To be brief : when someone spell checks another, it is a sign they have no real objection but cannot let that other person seem the wiser. Oh and stating that “network marketing” is an ACCEPTABLE reason for leaving such filth exist is utterly appaling.
And as for drinking: I don’t drink. 1. Because it’s below me and I wouldn’t be the DD to my friends if I did 2. Because an alcholic family member tore the very flesh from my scapl galvanizing my belief that alchol leads to demons and darkness.
And the OP does state that booze is a main running theme. Methinks that being dry is a suitable answer if it ends some madness..
I will maek anew spilling eerors I whant. As lawng az Mai point iz maed
If a disabled woman approached you and if she spoke to you saying she was molested by someone close to her. But she said it in such a way you didn’t make out half the words, would you in your “supreme intelligence” tell her ” OH so sorry you can’t SPEAK properly I cannot see your POINT. I don’t RELATE?”
stop trying to seem smart by acting like the child who sees a grammar error.
Gramma Nazis are not allowed out of facebook.
its not the fact that you are making grammatical errors it the fact that you are saying absolutely nothing. you are trying 2 sound smart so that you can show everybody that “hey just cause i made that comment on twitter doesnt mean im an idiot”. i am sorry that you can look into context of other ppls comments 2 come up with a comeback and defend yourself but you cant look into context and see why they were criticizing you in the first place.
maybe instead of thinking about what you are going 2 say 2 the next person that comments on your “intelligent” post then maybe you can actually ask yourself why you are defending yourself in the first place? either way it goes you posted what you posted on twitter and it was very well used as a logical example of ppl joking about rape…so if you really see the what im trying 2 say…you are still in the wrong either way….defense or not.
Good article. I also think we all need to stop using the term “date rape” because it places us in this gray area where people can state things such as “Well, it wasn’t really rape because I paid for dinner” or “Well, you already came to my room/house, what did you think was going to happen?” A lot of otherwise intelligent people think this way and a lot of women are starting to believe that its true.
If a man takes you out on a date, you do not owe him sex.
If you get a little drunk at a party/club, he does not have the right to take advantage of you.
If you are a hooker and decide at some point that you no longer want to go through with the exchange, that is your right as a human being. He cannot force you simply because of the nature of your job.
If you are in a relationship or are married and you state that you do not want to have sex and he makes you do it anyway, that is rape. Unfortunately, a great amount of people think all of the above scenarios are o.k. They’re not. Don’t get me started on women raping men. That is really where you see the ignorance in people. They really think that women are not capable of any violence and that men can never be victims.
Excellent piece! I’ve had so many male acquaintances make rape jokes, laugh at rape jokes, and make comments saying that a woman agrees to sex by going on a date (or even staying in and watching a movie #sideeye) with a man. I’ve had men attempt to coerce me in sex, men remove protection during sex against my consent, and I’ve been raped. That’s just adulthood – nevermind the horrors that a young girl has to navigate in the inner city as she tries to go off to college with her virginity intact. We have to attack the forces that say that women don’t own their bodies, that men don’t have to respect the personhood of women and girls (and children), and that say that anything short of fighting for your life against a stranger trying to accost you is not rape.
Great article. Unfortunately, we are currently in a ‘video world’ culture; messages that are being delivered through our TV screens & radio speakers celebrate this sex for money mantra. Saddest part is, video clips of 6 year-olds singing and rapping sexually loaded lyrics are uploaded to YouTube by the very people who are supposed to protect them from this misogyny. People who are supposed to teach them that they are valuable individuals who should treat all with dignity, kindness, and respect, and that currency, notoriety, and designer labels is not the god you worship. As a parent and human being, I can only control my environment so much, but what goes on in my home, such as what my child watches, listens to, food he eats, and not only teach him how to communicate with and respect others, I do the best I can & lead by example. If a good percentage of us did that in a positive manner, people producing this garbage would see their $$$ drop, thus it becomes a less viable source of revenue.
Excellent post. We blogged about this also.
Rape is NEVER funny. It shouldn’t even be something that we accept as a category to joke about.
Everyday Twitter and the trending topics get outta hand. And especially black folks who start them. It’s not cool in ANY way to joke about rape.
I hate that our music culture has suffered from the same ether we used to develop a society that reflects our love for bravado, confidence, creativity, perseverance, and connection–that inspires us on so many levels successfully, but is now, more than ever killing us on SO many alarming levels. And its not as if these issues didn’t exist in the first place, but it’s now cultivated and crossing over in R&B…so now we REALLY can’t get any love anywhere…we’re suffocating ourselves with our own music. Our generation is going to come upon some hard challenges… Where we once could discern the difference in the anomalies and parables of our language and lyrics, our following generation and some of us in our relative generation IS NOT. It was once said “make the money, don’t let the money make you” but since (in general) we don’t have any money (wealth), we use intellectual wealth…and we are not spending that s#!* wisely.
i find it sad that men an boys feel like it’s ok to force themselves upon women, girls and children for sex.. is a “nut” really that serious that you got to have it. y not get it from someone who will give it up willingly.. we have a choice to say no and these sorry asss excuses for boys and men need to recognize this.. they act like animals and it’s a shame.. they wouldn’t want this done 2 their sister, mother, aunt or relative but have no problem doing it to others.. And to think that it’s women that breed these bastards…
who’s lil duval ?
lmao! exactly. this is the most attention he’s ever gotten.
I started to wonder the same thing. Then I realized that I don’t care who lil’ duvall is. I mean, seriously, if that photo is a picture of him, would you want to know him?
[...] It is Rape Culture – Clutch chimes in on a troubling trend started by a popular twitter personality. What can we say when technology is used to push forward antiquated and harmful ideas about women? (Clutch) [...]
Great article and unfortunately it hit the nail on the head. So many don’t understand what rape truly is. This article quite literally described a 10 yr marriage I was in. He would bring me a pepsi or bag of candy or buy me a dvd and then later expect payment. Same if he would wash dishes or clean up something else. Thankfully I am no longer in this marriage, but this man believes he has never raped or molested anyone. His picture should be in the dictionary next to rapist. People with his mentality and others like described in this article are the problem with society and makes women like me who have lived it afraid to even accept a date again. I don’t know about others, but if I can’t pay I’m reluctant to go for fear something will be “expected” from me later. Keep posting articles like this we need to get the word out.
Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad you made it through!
Honestly, this whole thing disgusts me. These men who joke about rape probably have mothers, sisters, girlfriends, what have you, and they think this is funny??!
Twitter should seriously start considering blocking this: in NO WAY is it constructive or positive. I totally agree about the desentitising. I mean, will a new topic be #ididntgiveyouhiv if….disgusting. For someone who has been rape and became HIV positive thereafter, I have no words. Our men and our society need to grow up.
I absolutely cannot believe people were joking about such a serious and despicable act. I am without words. I hope it is ok that I leave a link to another website, but I wanted to share this and hopefully broaden people’s definition of “rape” and “rape culture.”
http://www.racialicious.com/2008/12/21/original-essay-the-not-rape-epidemic/
It really hit home how much we let things slide that “technically” aren’t rape, which in turn makes some more accepting of these prevalent violations. This crap continues to go unchecked because…well, it wasn’t rape-rape.