Where are Black Men’s Voices in Single Black Woman Commentary?
Enough is enough! When will the chain of the victimization and alienation of unmarried black women end? If the intimacies of black women’s business must be blasted in The Economist, ABC News and other major media outlets, I call for less number crunching and more real life examples. If I read one more statistic suggesting that I am doomed for a lonely life because black men are my marital preference or because I’m too educated, I’m going to scream. ‘Single black woman’ commentary is unbalanced and its missing a critical voice. Where are the single black men? Fragmented reports on the marital status of black America brings to question the media’s real intentions. What is the purpose of this commentary? For example, The Economist’s stab at the tragic black woman “Sex and the single black woman” doesn’t reveal anything we don’t already know. And while many of us respect Jill Scott’s candor in Essence, why not have that successful black man weigh in on why he’s chosen to marry a white woman?
The media’s propagation of black women’s relationships comes off as another tool to cause disruption and disconnect in our community. It is undoubtedly an extension of post-slavery mythical stereotypes. The weightless conversation often accompanying the quantitative offerings on black women’s single status is the emasculated ‘Mammy’ evolved. It implies the upwardly mobile black woman is so power hungry and distant that she can’t find a black man to marry – oh and here are the numbers to prove it.
Face it, for every single and successful black woman, there is a single and successful black man enjoying his plate of options, refusing to settle. There are a plethora of black bachelors who are basking in the flip side of black women’s alleged misery. Where is the next late night round table on this topic? I call for more balanced accounts, including an array of black men’s voices discussing what’s really going on. Brothers, it’s your turn.
Photo Source: The Economist
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@ iQgraphics, I'm right there with you hun!
I’m one of those good women who sometimes wonders what’s going on with the men I meet. I am a good, solid, level-headed, hard-working, productive, supportive, and loving woman and wants to be all that and some more for the right man. I understand that in order to draw a man of quality, I need to be a woman of quality. I can’t in all fairness ask of someone what I won’t, don’t, or can’t be willing and able to give. And I have to do my thing, live my life, experience new and interesting things and be an interesting person while I’m waiting for that particular chapter of my life to start – I can’t sit around praying for a man while not growing as a woman and a person. I know that I am a complete woman without a man, because God made me that way, but I also know that I do indeed want and need a man, and knowing and admitting that doesn’t diminish me as a woman or a person, despite what some would say. And I believe my Mr. Man will come along soon enough (although sooner would be better than later, thank you), regardless of how bizarre dating is and how absolutely inadequate and uncertain it can make me feel every rare now and again (just being totally honest here). As much as I am certain about myself and positive about my future, I still wonder about what’s going on between Black men and women sometimes. Yes, 60% of us DO get married, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t some serious possible social pathology going on in the 40% that don’t.
We all know the statistics about men in prison, levels of education, and employment. I can’t do anything about factors I can’t control, so I don’t dwell on them. I don’t know why other people do.
And I tend not to focus so much on physical factors in this discussion, either, simply because different people are attracted to different things. It’s easy to say that men and women who are overweight or obese are dooming themselves to eternal singleness by being so, but I see overweight and obese people in relationships and marriages all the time. I’m in the gym 5 days a week and am an amateur powerlifter, but I am still heavier than what some might consider attractive, and that’s fine with me – different strokes and all that. Regardless of what my dress size is, I’ve been approached by my share of very handsome Black men of all walks of life in my regular environments – the gym and social events (but strangely, NOT in church, which is a whole ‘nother issue altogether, I guess), so I don’t suffer from a lack of male attention because of my weight/size. The problem has been that some of those men (not all – a few great fellas just didn’t click in other areas with me, and some of us are still good friends) were already in relationships or married. These men were shocked that I, being single at 42, didn’t enthusiastically jump at the chance to do anything to just have a man. See, they’d met enough women who didn’t have a problem being their plaything that when they met one who did, it was strange to them. As disturbing as that is, I know it’s somewhat true.
I know women who play along with the players, women who loudly proclaim they will happily settle for “fitting in where they can get in,” as long as he pays some bills or takes her shopping. I know women who will spread ‘em for anyone with a charge card or some extra cash, a nice whip, who looks and smells like a “baller,” or who pays her the slightest bit of positive attention, because they’re so terrified of being by themselves that they’d rather barter their bodies and dignity to have a piece of a part-time man. I know women who are all giddy and excited when a man opens the door for them, or pulls out their chair, and they think I’m being evil when I say that’s not impressive. I point out that that’s the basement basics of common decent male behavior, not the “special treatment” they think it is, and how shameful it is when we women have lowered our standards so much that common decency from men is now seen as heroic chivalry.
At the same time, I know women who will never give a decent Black man a compliment, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how hard he works, no matter how good he is to her, it’s never good enough. These women may have been hurt in the past and are so afraid of being hurt again that they figure they’ll beat him to the punch and never give him her heart to break in the first place. And they beat that man down to nothing. I don’t know why these men stick around with these harpies, but they do, and they becomes angry and resentful. (Indidentally, this is they kind of stuff Steve Harvey was talking about in his book. People can look down their nose at his and others’ advice all they want, but we all know there is a serious dearth of basic morality among some of us, and it’s those women who need that advice the most. If you know better, good for you! But there are plenty of women who obviously don’t.) This is just as true of some men as it is some women, because I know some fellas who say they refuse to commit to a woman for the exact same reason – they don’t want to be hurt, and the decent, supportive, loving women who put up with them become the angry and resentful ones. Oh, there are some questionable, shady, immature brothas out there, to be sure (some, not all). But we women have to assume some culpability in accepting and perpetrating bad behavior, too. I can’t paint all Black men or women with the same brush, but I also can’t ignore the fact that the bad behavior that has borne the stereotypes actually does exist sometimes. The complaints on both sides aren’t all true of everyone, but they’re not all lies, either.
This is not, however, to give any credence to the idea that, on a whole, any one or other race of women (or men) is more understanding or better suited to support Black men (or women) than Black women (or men). That’s just convenient, lazy thinking and behavior to me. While I know they exist (and have met some of them), I firmly believe the dogs and gold diggers of the world of every race are a minority, albeit a highly visible and vocal one. I’ve met some scandalous men, but most of the Black men in my life – relatives and friends and acquaintances – are stand-up brothas. You just don’t hear too much from or about them because they’re too busy going about their lives doing what they need to do to make it work for them and theirs. Same is true for decent women like me. I’m too doggoned busy making the best of the life I have to sit around and bitch and moan about the small fraction of jerks I’ve met. And I’d be stupid to dismiss or carry these silly generalizations into every experience with every Black man I could possibly ever meet because 1/1 millionth of them that exist – the tiny few of them that I’ve met – aren’t worth the skin they’re in. Seems like I’d be shooting myself in the foot on that one and it’s extremely unfair to the good men out there who might cross my path one day. We don’t want to be stereotyped, we want people to give us a chance and not judge us by the actions of others, but when it comes to relationships, we don’t seem to have a problem doing it to others.
And we wonder why some of us just can’t get along…
Ha! Another day, another article about the single black woman. And you fell for the okeydoke. Wonder why there is a prevalence of “single black women” articles and stories? Its not a coincidence that this is all happening just when we have a Black woman as the first lady. Don’t fall for it and don’t help them perpetuate their message that you are unlovable.
I completely agree.
@Julienne,Who honestly cares about the 12:1-all I need is one.
If you look hard enough, you can find him. Not having a college education doesn’t exclude a man from dating me….why would it? A lot of intelligent men NEVER go to college and are still a success in life. My Father, a Ground Manager for United, provided well for our family & he only had a GED.
And I know I’m going to lose some people on this next point, but having been in jail doesn’t NECESSARILY mean you shouldn’t date him, either; depending on what the offense was. I mean…lest we forget Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X were both incarcerated in their lifetimes.
I hate to say this but you can make numbers lie. I wouldn’t fall for the “black men in jail and black women are worth $5″.Most of the black men in my life were not are not in jail and alot of the black women in my life have investments and are worth farrrr more than $5 dollars. I mean really, are we that slow that we leave it up to white America to tell us who we are???
The big problem is white supremecy. It is making us fight against one another. Once we can break up our home, they can come in and rip apart the community.We are too into each others throats to see this.Thats a wild shame:(
A little compassion please people! It’s hard out there for Black folk–regardless of gender, but nobody wants to take view things from the other side.
We don’t trust each other because we are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when it does, Black men cry, “Black women are overbearing, loud, fat b*tches! I don’t have to put up with this sh*t! Nobody wants you anyway!” And Black women cry, “N*gga you ain’t sh*t. Keeping running after them white girls! Nobody wants you anyway!”
Both sides get their feelings hurt and become more alienated from each other because we never fully let our guards down. We never tell the other side what we need from them, because we are afraid to tell them the truth–”I need your support. I’m constantly being told that I’m not good enough, and as hard as I try not to, sometimes I believe it. I need you to tell me differently.” Isn’t that what racism and supremacy is? The deliberate dehumanization of a group so that they begin to forget who they are and begin to feel “not good enough?”
I think both Black men and women feel that way in a general sense. But do we say that to each other? No. We scream at each other to be different. And blame each other for our problems.
Please, lay down your verbal and literacy swords and listen, really listen to one another! Tell your truth instead of laying blame. Isn’t that what the author was asking you to do in the first place?
Great comment. But what you talking about is maturity, the ability to be vulnerable and the dropping of the ego.
As a black male, what would you like to see us do? I agree that it does seem like the media is attacking black women but what would like to see me do? I plan on marry a black woman. All of married friend married black women with the exception of one. So please help me help you find a solution. Would you like to tell make men to marry earlier? Unrealistic. What is a realistic suggestion?
To be honest this is getting old… All we do as blacks is complain, instead of being pro-active… When it comes to dating it isn’t a numbers game, as who is to say if one is worthy of being a husband/wife… Feel me? I say do u, and if it’s god will u shall find a soulmate whether he/she is black…
I hate woman that say, “black men have it easier cause they can get any woman of any race and its much harder for black women to get men of other races.”So what are saying black men should only date black women cause black women can only get black men? Do you know how selfish and degrading that sounds? I mean thats bullshit if a black man can get a woman of any race so can a black woman so please stop complaining besides theres alot of worse things in life then marrying someone of a different race. And dont give me that bullshit that the media worships the white woman. Black men go through the same shit in the media everywhere you look its always something about Zac Efron or Brad Pitt or Rob Patterson or George Clooney and everytime there is a list of top 20 most beautiful women in the world who is always top 3? Beyonce thats right a black women so please dont give me that media BS cause black men have it just as hard its just we arent as open about it. And i’m not trying to attack any black women i love black women i’m just saying it goes both ways. So stop whinning!!!!!
@ Anon, Beyonce does not represent us black women. In fact I would like to call her the aithesis of black women. But that is another topic. I am not complaining and neither are the women in my life and that I encounter. It seems that media likes to make this a big hoopla.
We don’t listen to to each other, a very bad thing.
Brian, there is not much you can do for all women. I just want to say that all men should first not give into the hype or believing what is told about black women out there. And even if it were true, just knowing that NOT ALL of us are that way. Whenever we get into the numbers game and calling people load mouthed, fat black women, we have inderectly used words that have subconsiosly been placed in us to use toward each other.
I do think black women shouldn’t complain and should take responsibility for many things: among them, raising their sons in a way that they would not recent the black woman, and selectly choosing which black men to father their children. Even looking for character instead of money and nice rides and running after educated alpha males who are not looking at them.
Alot of us need self-healing and self-love. How can we ask for others to love and except us, if we can’t even except ourselves?
Wow-comments still poppin’ after a week! Let me put my last 2 cents in…
I would like for brothers to simply ‘have our backs’ more in public and in the media. Opening doors, sending flowers, complimenting…all those things are a great start. But also not condoning when other black men/or ppl in general disrespect black women in your presence…calling them names, buying/listening to misogynistic music, etc. (The last 2 items apply to black women as well).
As for the sisters…I think we could simply keep our mouths shut more often. Just because we CAN think of a snappy comeback, doesn’t mean we should say them (I didn’t mention ANY names, lol). Sometimes, it’s better to just be happy than to be right. Also, ladies…we need to take responsibility for our OWN mental health. Don’t expect a man to FIX YOU or define you.
But, again…fellas, would it kill you to be a little nicer or encourage your friends/family to be more chivalrous as well? I hope not. Also, taking responsibility for your own finances and being a standup guy by taking responsibility for your kids is a VERY good look (if you already do this–then this msg isn’t meant for you).
The point is…we ALL have a lot of work to do on ourselves. No gender is fully to blame for the crises of the Black race. In order to begin to fix the problems…we need to stop arguing & start acting better.
I’m a dominican/west indian I met my beautiful west indian wife when I had no job & no car, she judged me by ambitions, belief in god and my compassinate view of life, not by my material wealth, people are diverse and complex. 16 years later we’re married, still in love, with 2 sons and are both professionals in are fields. All black women who are looking for Mr Right please don’t dismiss the brothers that have started the journey to greater things in life, you ladies could be losing out on good men, remember Denzel Washington wasn’t always a wealthy amazing actor I bet some woman somewhere is kicking herself cos she felt he just wasn’t ‘on the same page’ and turned him down.
look interracial marriage is here to stay and no matter how much you complain about it or bash its not going to change. In fact based on statistics marriage is only going to get more and more diverse as the years go on so at the end of the day what does all your interracial marrige bashing do? Absolutely nothing your hateful words arent going to make everyone in the country just date their own race people have their own minds and will marry whoever they want so stop trying to control everyone in the black community. And stop complainnig about how college educated wealthy black men and women are more likely to date outside their race do you know why that is? Just use your common sense statistically speaking blacks are the least likely race in the u.s. to go to college (besides native americans who are basically almost extinct in the u.s.) So that means when blacks are in college their going to be around mostly non blacks so interracial dating is bound to happen based on the fact that blacks are vastly out numbered in college compared to any other race in general unless they go to a all black college so did you ever think maybe the black man or black woman met there non black husband or wife in college and that it actually is true love since they were with each other in college when they were both young and broke? And now since they have a good job after going to college of course they are going to be wealthy so you dont no the circumstance of every interracial marrige where the black women or black man happens to be wealthy so stop making assumptions.
I put this article/argument right along with the statistical evidence that people who come from single parent homes are neither as well adjusted or successful as their two parent family counterparts. If you’re looking for data to support a negative spin, it’s very easy to find it.
In additional to the overwhelming gender bashing (both obvious and subversive) that I read in this thread I also see an obnoxious sense of entitlement coming from both genders. As a black woman, I just have to put this out there: Black men don’t “owe” you a relationship just because they fulfill a few “must haves” on your list (educated, gainfully employed, etc.) and you made it through college & are upwardly mobile. And likewise, black women aren’t required to play the “submissive Christie doll” routine just because you’re a black man. Respect, loyalty and dedication are earned. Being from the same racial make up as me guarantees you nothing except that we’re both sharing common ancestry.
When it comes to finding an appropriate mate (whether same race or from a different race) you get what you give. If you walk around with a complex saying “I went to college and I have a good job and I’m attractive – black men should just WANT me – but said black man must come with XYZ” then you’re going to end up with shallow jerk offs who wouldn’t support you if you lost it all tomorrow. Likewise, the time you waste worrying about why the random guy you saw in the store was with a white/asian/latin woman is time you’re wasting not meeting the guy you really want. Why waste your time worrying about something that you can’t change? I find many of my black female friends complaining about seeing a black man with a woman of another race. And then, when I ask them if they’re even mildly attracted to the man – 9 times out of 10 they wouldn’t want him if he was single. If the man approached them in the club they would be making a stank face. So, stop complaining. Regardless of whether or not a black man is dating a woman of another race because he really loves her or for status – it doesn’t change the fact that you’re not with him – so stop worrying about him.
We (as a culture) continue to help perpetuate these stereotypes and drama by focusing on things that we can’t change. We write books about it, bring it up in movies (all written by African Americans male & female) and even in comedy skits. Yet, somehow we’re upset when “mainstream” media picks up the soundbite and runs with it. Much like the N word debate and the “bitch” word debate – if you keep making a platform for it, it’s only a matter of time until the people outside of your own community decide to start shedding light on it.
And likewise, I agree with many other women on here who have said that you shouldn’t be limiting your dating pool by just race alone. I’ve been in a healthy, supportive and HAPPY relationship with a hispanic man for the last 5 years – not because I only date Spanish men (although I have dated men of all races) – but because we actually click and connected in ways that I’ve never been able to do with anyone else – regardless of race. We’ve both supported each other in starting our own businesses and have grown as individuals and as a couple. Somehow, I’ve always found that it’s silly to only allow myself to date people based on something as superficial as skin color – especially if my hopes/goals/dreams are more aligned with someone who is from a different race. And especially with the responses I’m seeing from a lot of the women on here – if you REALLY feel black men are so villainous/overbearing/looking for someone who will kowtow to them, then it’s even more of a reason why you should be expanding your horizons, not just sitting there with sand in your mouth.
In other words – if you’re not happy with the results you’re getting, then it’s up to you to make the change. Sitting around complaining about the state of black on black relationships isn’t going to make things any better and isn’t going to get you any closer to a happy & healthy relationship.
Dorian—
I think u made some valid points in your argument…the mainstream media only reflects the images that we’ve put out ourselves. Case in point, T-Pain’s new minstrel cartoon, which is only a hare’s breathe away from being as offensive as Boondocks IMO-but most Blacks love the latter.
I also agree with some of your other points. You’re right, no one is ‘owed’ a relationship. However, it would certainly be nice if we could participate in more harmonious relationships with one another (even IF those relationships aren’t romantic).
I mean we work together, are neighbors, go to the same churches, etc. so it would be nice for us to not only dialogue on this & other issues but ACT on being more relateable towards one another. Our children need to see positive examples of male-female relationships…not simply be disgusted by what they’ve seen and begin to believe there are NO options for them.
On a side note: Congrats on your happy relationship!
To the black men and women no matter what your statis is at this very moment.Keep your head up and your eyes open.Because we all know that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Lets get back to loven eachother again.
[...] and internal reality are rarely aligned, but the S.B.W. “dilemma” might be an exception. As my colleague wrote last week, the Economist saw fit to weigh in on this phenomenon. This piece made it unofficially [...]
While I have noticed the media on this particular topic countless times, it is lacking the an equivalent male perspective (Side Note: Steve Harvey is not an equivalent male perspective. I’m not downing his experience as he’s been on both sides of the fence, but he’s only recently come to grips with his own relationship issues.)
Continuing on that note though, the male perspective would be expected to be favorable to this media “assault” on this particular topic simply because it would make them a more valuable commodity/asset as it was stated before. Though this may be the expectation, this is not always the case, there are quite a few Black Men who are still looking for a successful and compatible mate, however there are issues with their perspective as well concerning children out of wedlock, divorces, and stereotyping that causes them to be thought of in certain ways just as this topic has caused Black Women to be thought of as in dire need of finding Black Men.
What has often boggled my mind in many cases is that some standards that both sexes have set on the other causing for a weeding out of many suitable candidates that would not be considering settling, but rather an upgrade from previous relationships and experiences within the same category. What I think needs to happen from this is the reevaluation of priorities in your mate and stop focusing so much on success as much as drive and passion to make one’s life better.
I’m 30 year old black man, and have far more success with women of other races. If you treat a black woman with respect and courtesy, they just shake their head roll their eyes at you and suck their teeth, like you’re acting silly or did something stupid. If you’re nice, you’re “too soft”. They want a “thug nigga” (with all the problems they entail: infidelity, jail, drugs). More and more often, I’m seeing black women my age becoming more and more coarse-mannered and ghetto, and women too old and overweight (not to mention single and with 2 or 3 kids) acting like they FINALLY got some sense, dropped the thugs, and started looking for guys like me too late. I keep myself in bodybuilding magazine shape, but all the women my age who are (at the time) in good shape have the mentality of snippy 13 year olds, despite being twice that age. The only black women interested in a guy who doesn’t walk around with bad breath, his pants around his ankles, dreads and sucking on a Black n Mild are too old to be my peers or to start a family (of my own, not some thug’s abandoned offspring) with. It just seems the more I look around, that sisters don’t become “tame” until after they’ve been used up and gain a bunch of weight and kids. Who wants that?
I totally agree, I’m in my forties single with no kids. When I was younger almost all the black women I knew wanted a thug trifling bum. Now these women are fat, used up with several baby daddies and complain about there’s no good black men around. All they want is some man to finance their screwed up life. All the thugs who chased them back in the day have dropped them for younger women or in jail now. To me these sorry women got what they deserve.
abc news is of course one of the most reputable news sources these days `:.