I Love Fat Boys

I love fat boys. Yes, you read me correctly. There is nothing like a husky, teddy-bear like brotha. I’m talking about Cedric “The Entertainer,” Ruben Studdard, Timberland, American Idol’s Big Mike and this gorgeous big winner who calmed me when I fell into his bulky arms watching the return of Freddie Krueger in A Nightmare on Elm Street. I like em’ tall, looks like he belongs on the 50 yard line, Krispy Kreme-eating, swoop me up like a leaf fat boy. You know, the kind of brotha that used to be cock diesel in high school and later put a lot weight on that muscle? And ladies, if he has dimples, a precise goatee, BK-esque swag and a job, it’s OVA. Remember Heavy D? Heavy repped tough for the plus-size brothas. LL Cool J wasn’t the only emcee rhyming about love. Heavy’s “Is It Good to You” and “Somebody for Me” demonstrated to women that it’s not about how much he weighs, it’s about how treats you. Heavy might have been the “Overweight Lover” but he was certainly light on his feet dancing with The Boyz.

In the midst of my fat boy jonsing, I’m thinking: why isn’t it the same for the plus-size sistas? When I overheard these chicks on the A train talking about how Rick Ross could get it (yes, they were serious), I wondered if I’d ever eavesdrop some fellas saying the same thing about Sherri Shepherd?

Why the double standard?

Yes, I know we live in a patriarchal society laden with monstrous male egos. Blah. Blah. Blah. But this one continually perplexes me. Funny thing is, most fat boys love skinny girls. Mid-puberty, I secretly wondered how my very overweight Pastor and his very gaunt wife got it in. I thought to myself, ummm…now is she always on top? Doggie style every night could get a little boring. Does his weight crush her? Does she get nervous before bed? Yeah, these thoughts weren’t Christ-like. But I was a curious 13. Service regularly ran over and I had to keep myself from getting in trouble for playing a 2nd round of SOS with my cousin in the youth balcony.

Isn’t it fascinating we never see those post-Jimmy Kimmel weight-loss infomercials catered to men? It’s consistently a focus on the latest get-skinny craze for women. There’s a Jenny Craig but there isn’t a James Craig. I swear if we saw as many weigh-loss ads for men as hair regrowth ads, the world would be a fairer place.  Why aren’t men bothered with the burden of losing weight like women are?

In my quest for Mr Right and/or Mr. Right Now, there is no place on my list for size. Now, he can’t be one of those obese, excess skin stuck to the couch dudes from the Maury Povich show. If he’s a Big Mike-sized brotha, I’d go out with him. Heck, I’m a 130-pounder who just might fall in love with him. But we rarely see thin brothas checking for full figured sistas. If you see a thin man with a big girl, often times it’s because she gained weight and he’s just being loyal. At least that’s what we presume. Mo’Nique and her husband represents a sheer minority in this case. Pop culture is certainly not offering representations of this experience. Queen Latifah and Common are a revolutionary on-screen couple in new film Just Wright offering viewers a love story about a plus-size Black woman and a very attractive, thin and in shape star basketball player. The story line still managed to wiggle Paula Patton in the picture though. The cool thing is, Queen Latifah wins over Common. How uncommon is this?

Now I know loads of men will declare, “Hey, brothas are visual people. We can’t help what we like no matter what size we are.” Right! As if my big boned sistas go without dilating pupils for a sexy beast of a man. Try again.

It’s just me at my tech stump speech challenging one double standard at a time. Sound off.