Without A Trace
“I’ve had girls before where I just, you know, disappeared. I know, it’s bogus. But I just stopped calling, stopped returning her calls. Just ended all contact without a word.”
I wish I could have been more disgusted when one of my homeboys shared this anecdote with me the other day, but it was so unoriginal and common that I barely raised an eyebrow. In fact, he was the second man in less than a week to offer the same story. “I bet you have,” I sighed. “Men do this. It’s happened to me a few times. Ugh.” He didn’t really have much to offer. “Yeah, we do…”
Ugh.
Ladies, you know the drill: you meet a guy, you hit it off, things are going seemingly well. He’s interested, he’s calling, he’s being proactive. And one day, out of nowhere, he has decided for whatever reason that there is no longer any use for you in his life. He starts canceling or avoiding plans. Your phone calls and texts start to go unanswered. He’s gone, with no ceremony, no explanation. And you know that doesn’t work so well for us. We need ceremony, we need explanations. We need…closure.
Double ugh.
“I have a theory on this,” I remarked to my lady abandoning-amigo. “I think that most times, men don’t want to hurt us. But more than that, they don’t want to deal with us being hurt. They don’t want to see it, they don’t want a scene. They don’t have the courage or presence of mind to simply say ‘Yo, you’re good people, but I don’t want to continue seeing you.’”
I waited for him to tell me I had it wrong.
“Yeah…that about sums it up.” “Word?” “Yeah.” “It’s just too much for y’all to be honest? To just give a woman her walking papers? And let it be on her how she chooses to deal with it?” “Pretty much.”
Triple ugh.
There you have it, folks. I know my friend doesn’t speak for all dudes (and to be fair, he’s a moderately nice guy, so consider that). But I have experienced and witnessed the disappearing act from men enough times to know that it’s not some singular experience limited to just me or just the girls unlucky enough to have dated my boy. It sucks to feel like things are going well with a new person, only to have him dipset without warning. It gives way to confusion and self doubt, even though it shouldn’t. If you did something wrong, how can you even know what it was without an explanation? What if you do it again and run the next man off? OMG, so much frenzy to work yourself up into. Where do you even start? And for a man who doesn’t give two damns about your feelings!
I promise on everything, I will never again be the woman who is fighting against the will of a man who doesn’t want to see me.
I promise on everything, I will never again be the woman who is fighting against the will of a man who doesn’t want to see me. Not if we don’t have children or wedding vows involved. I’ve only made the mistake of relentless pursuing once or twice (perhaps three times…and we are only counting during adulthood, right?) and it’s not something I’m proud of. What I look like calling a man who can’t call me? Trying to bait a date with a cat who can’t be bothered to keep his word? I’m way too cute for that and so is everyone reading this. On to the next one.
All that to say to the ladies: if this happens to you, you’re in good company. Don’t beat yourself up too much or tear your hair out worrying over a man who didn’t have the heart to keep it real with you. Maybe it was something about you, maybe it was another woman…whatever it was, he’s gone. You can’t make someone come back and you can’t make them give you an answer as to why they left. Better to walk away with your own head held high. And for the fellas…the disappearing routine is cruel and cowardly. Be man enough to offer a brief farewell. More often than not, we can handle it. A little human kindness never hurt anyone. The momentary sacrifice of your comfort could cause a woman some undue frustration and yourself a few unwanted phone calls and texts.
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I am a man, I have had women do this “disappearing act” on me quite a few times and rest assured, many men will tell you the same thing if you ask them about it. I don’t think the disappearing act is a thing men do. I think it’s a thing immature people do.
This article, this article, this article!! All I could while reading this was just say “you shool right!”. This same thing has happened to me twice during my young adult life. Honestly I thought it was because of me..maybe I wasn’t interesting enough, maybe I didn’t talk about what he wanted to talk about, or the dreaded, maybe because I didn’t give him any. With the first guy it was because of the fact that I didn’t give him my goodies after only 2 days of talking to him. I guess I can admit now that maybe I tempted him into the situation considering the fact I let him sleep over and play a “game”..but we had already discussed where we stood on the situation and he still expected to explore the course of my enchanted garden of bliss?? Come on now.
It does hurt when this happens because its like you just have been dumped into the desert of isolation without knowing who the heck drove you there. No texts or calls explaining anything. I have been a no show with a couple of guys, but I explained my reasons and they just didn’t comprehend my sayings I guess.
Its nice to know that I’m the only one this happens to..for a while I thought I was. Think you for writing this article because it needed to be said and I needed to read it. I’m too flyy, beautiful, intelligent, and determined to deal with the nonsense. On to the next one..this one, next fifteen one coming!
My boyfriend of 3.5 years left me 3 weeks ago. We saw each other everyday (I mean everyday). He asked me to be his girlfriend only a week after meeting me. He told me he loved me only after a week of dating, then a week after that told me he thinks he might marry me. The 3.5 years that followed I believed this to be true, and had no reason to believe it wasn’t. Even though we were in an interracial relationship (yup he was white), our parents were on board and thought we would get married eventually (I wasnt rushing him, I’m only 22 and I still want to get my masters before anything like that).
Then he just gives me the “Its not you its me, I need time to grow” and ends it. When I asked for an explanation all he said was “I dunno”. I cried everyday for 2 weeks and felt so vulnerable, and decided that after that much time with a person I deserved an answer.
I told him that we needed to sit down and just talk, and he finally agreed.
And honestly after getting the info and “closure” I needed, It is only now that I am able to let go.
I am sorry to hear this happened to you sweetie. What a waste of 3.5 years of living — think of all the guys you probably passed up in that time dealing with his inconsiderate, selfish behind. But at least there’s 2 lessons in this 1) don’t believe him about marriage unless you have a ring and a date, and 2) white men can be just as trifling as black men — it’s not about the color but the content of their character.
oh yea, and thank goodness you’re only 22 — you’re learning these lessons young
Wowie! Wow!
“Love is a losing game,
played by fools,
Fools in Love,
Losing’s a crying shame,
I keep Crying over you”
“It’s all in the game of Love!(why must I keep playing)”
“The Things that we all do for Love”
I’m Blaming it on the Music as of today (Again)!!!!
LOL!!!
“Just keep on Moving
Don’t stop like the hands of time!”
Your time will come, and when it does there will be no doubt.
Love for self is the most important.
Do that, and nothing but the best is yet to come!!!
2 Black guys have done this two me. Both were medical drs.
One just didn’t meet up as promised when I was visiting his town on travel. I thought it odd that he didn’t bother to notify me that he had to cancel, but we weren’t dating, so whatevs. *shrug* He just flaked.
The other was a long term boyfriend who left the country for vacay and notified NO ONE. His own parents broke into his condo to check for him and were about to file a missing person’s report. I contacted his friends, but they knew nothing. He KNEW his mom’s pacemaker emits a painful shock when she has irreg heart palpitations, so this disappearance was particularly trifling.
Poor family values usually go along with such lack of accountability. I wouldn’t consider such individuals to be mature enough for commitment. They bail on a whim.
Unbelievable! I love this article because I have just experienced the “three month disappearing act” from a boy whom I was attracted to (I thought he was a man). We seriously hit it off and then he stopped calling. And to top it all off, he lives in the same apartment complex as myself. How can you live in the same vicinity and do that to someone? I had to be the bigger woman and text him just to see if he was still living. His sorry excuse was that he thought that we were moving too fast! Really? Well, I completely disagree. I would have accepted that if he would have told me to my face. I accepted his apology but I’ll let God deal with him. OOOH, SOME BOYS (NOT MEN)! And that’s why I’m not in the mood to date.
The problem with a lot of people these days is that they lack integrity.
Anyway, a man should be running after a woman, not the other way round. So, if a guy decides to disappear, good riddance. He was no good anyway. Why would you want to be with a man who has no integrity and no manners? NEXT!
good point happiness, women should NOT be running after men. if more women would demand this from men and stop desperately chasing them, I believe there would be a lot less cocky males out there
[...] b) “the david blaine” (when we disappear off the face of the earth. to hear a woman’s side of this phenomenon, check out sister t’s clutchmag article “without a trace“) [...]
Sad but true, I have done this a lot more than it has happened to me, but when it did happen, it was the one person that I didn’t think would do that, although he had done it before. Silly and Naive of me. I dealt with it. I moved on. In this world, we have to realize people are trying to save face a lot more than they are worried about you and your feelings. Momma always said you gotta kiss a few frogs before you find your prince.
Like TD Jakes said if folk can walk away from you. LET THEM!
(they aren’t meant to stay)
more times than naught, they are doing us a favor ladies. esp if it is still very EARLY, “be happy for what you escaped”, like my good friend Jen told me once.
“be happy for what you escaped”
Amen sista!
You live and hopefully learn. While at the moment in time the breakout, phone disconnected after moving out of his apartment and moving in with the pregnant girlfriend, hurt like all hell, there was a major lesson learned that remains part of my shaping and thinking today. You can’t make someone love you or want you. Going forward from that point I know that if it were to happen again, it is what it is. I can only control me and quite frankly, if a person can’t offer me the respect, courtesy or dignity to say this is not working, then what else can I expect you to offer me going forward? One door closed and the other opened.
[...] start to go unanswered. He’s gone, with no ceremony, no explanation. Click here to check out “Without A Trace”. I’ll love you forever if you do! Back to the fun. Tomorrow is HAPPY BLACK GIRL DAY NUMBER [...]
This happens to me a lot!! And I’ve never been one to sweat a man for doing so because most often then not, i get the phone call, or that text that says, “what happened? you never called me anymore”……I hate the games….You thought I was gonna sweat you? And now that I’m clearly not, your gonna what, play the blame game….Sorry…
On the flip side, I’m good for doing a disappearing act on men. We dated a few times, I wasn’t truly feeling you, not need to call or text or give you a proper good bye….it wasn’t that serious……
[...] Read more of Jamilah’s commentary. [...]
[...] Read more of Jamilah’s commentary. [...]
A man’s worst fear is a scorned woman. I think the fear that this woman is the one psycho woman that we all know (All men have a friend who dates the psycho chicks) is enough to force men to use the fadeaway
Just chiming in to say that this is definitely not a a gender-specific phenom and pitting women as the victim and men as inconsiderate assholes is a bit sensational.
[...] Jamilah Lemieux a blogger for Clutchmagonline for her recent post entitled “Without a Trace”(click here to read). She has expressed everything that I’ve been thinking for the past six months when it comes to [...]
Thank you for this!! I needed this so much. There’s this boy (He’s 29) that I can’t seem to get over. We knew each other from work for a year and a half before we started dating briefly so I felt he was at least a friend. It was fun and was progressing. Then nothing. Silence. Tossed me to the side like trash. My heart was crushed. I think he got back with an ex-gf that treated him horribly. (This was from co-workers) This was just a rumor but I quit the before we started dating so I don’t know. But based on his actions, probably true.
I know it’s easy for others to say “Just forget about it” or “Another will come along” but it’s not that easy for me. I’m really shy. I’m embarrassed to say at 28, I texted a few times to see what was up… That just made me feel like a loser. I finally deleted all numbers, emails, voicemails… everything. I forced myself into no contact. I’ve been in situations where this has happened with guys I’ve just met but since I knew this guy for a really long time, it was extra painful. I would have liked to have him as a friend on GP rather than what we are now. I blamed myself. Maybe if I had given it up sooner or had been more…(A,B.C…) he would have stayed.
Ran into him last week. He tried to give my one of those “bear hugs” you know the ones that guys give. Said he thought about me too. I just smiled, politely chatted and went on my merry way. Never again will you make me feel like this. Never again.
Now off to make my peach cobbler that I haven’t made since you left…
Wish I could give you a bear hug right now!
I’ve been on both sides of the fence…all I can say it hurt like hell when it was done to me but I didn’t blink twice or think to consider the other party’s feelings when I was pulling that stunt. I will do better next time.
I tend to use silence as a powerful remedy to get rid of a man, tell me if I’m wrong but I do this mainly to avoid unecessary violence and negative energy. I will try to negociate my idea once, twice, but after several unsuccesful pacific attempts I’m out. A friend of mine chose to break up with her man the cordial way but she ended up hiding from him trying to escape his threats messages. She had to flew to Europe few months so he will forget about her. When she took her plane, she spoke to him?!!!! and crazy dude wished her plane to crash… I think it’s a waste of my time to get to the phone and hear stupidity like this