Bottom Heavy
Recently, a young brother at a party informed me that “White girls are coming up in the world these days”. “You don’t say” I deadpanned, already knowing exactly what he was referring to. “Yeah, man. White girls got ass now.” I’ll table my feminist/race woman reaction to that for another time (How dare you reduce White women to that? Is a butt the only advantage Black women had over White ones in the first place? Is this all that women are to you?) and admit what upset me most about this comment: it reminded me that I am a Black woman sans ass. And it sucks.
When Erykah Badu’s video for “Window Seat” premiered, my intellectual friends were all abuzz debating whether she was courageous or disrespectful or brilliant or a combination of the three for stripping down bare at the site of JFK’s 1963 assassination. People championed her agency and her willingness to bear this body that, in many spaces, is marginalized by beauty standards. I wanted to be all smart and shit too, but all I could think of was her behind. Look. At. Her Ass. It’s amazing. It’s beautiful. It’s there.
I’m Black. I’m a woman. I have a body. Thus, it is a Black woman’s body. But I don’t have the frame that is associated with Black womanhood. But while I am aware enough of the absurdity of even our intra-culutal beauty standards, I cannot yet get past the fact that having a big butt is a ‘Black woman thing’ that I am not a part of. I feel left out and, yes, I will admit that I hate the idea that there is something that Black men have a special appreciation for and attraction to that I cannot bring to the table.
Irony: I am a vocal opponent of street harassment. I don’t mean because I write about it, I mean because on any given day you can actually hear me on the street telling some man where he can go and how he can get there. I hate the survey of my body that I am subjected to on a daily basis. But you know what else I hate? When I see a man checking me out from the front, waiting for me to pass so he can see what’s going on in the backyard. It’s like I’m failing a test I didn’t ask to take (and in many cases, would not even want to pass). How dare you make me feel inadequate when I didn’t ask for your approval in the first place?
I’m a light-complexioned woman with curly hair and, depending who you ask, either mixed looking (per my friends) or traditionally African (according to me, and yes, I mean the polyglot Kwanzaa/Swahili name/dashiki Africa we created in our heads) features. I have benefited on the side of the skewed Black beauty scale that no one wants to brag on. There’s no pride in being rewarded by the tainted- by-Europe standard, but full lips, a wide hips and a large behind? That’s Africa at work! That’s a real Black woman!
Le sigh.
Now, I’m getting grown and I’m at the point where I realize that I’m beautiful because I’m Jamilah, not because of how close I am to looking like a model from Cosmo or King. I don’t expect anyone to cry me a river because I don’t have a huge behind, because for all the other awful metrics people use to reduce a woman’s looks, I’ve faired well enough. But as much as I can intellectualize it and say that a woman’s body doesn’t matter as much as her mind, and that Blackness is not a fuction of hair texture or hip-to-waist ratio…I just wish I had a big ole’ butt.
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LMAO! I can relate so well. Great post, Jamilah! I really like your style and always enjoy your articles! You INSPIRE me to write more 8^)
I wish I had one too! EVERYTHING, and I mean, everything you said I relate to and fully agree with. When going out into public, it’s like taking the butt test! And making matters worse is the fact that many media sources have made butts ‘the thing’ of 2010, if not the entire decade. I do squats and ab workouts but I think my booty just doesn’t want to work with me. Now it’s the white girls showing me up? I even had a brotha ask me, while cuddling mind you, “where are the traces of the black female body” on me! I felt like slapping him! Me, so dark and lovely, but he said I should go into modeling because my shape made me perfect for it~ angular, straight, sans curves. But I raise above all the haters and thank God for his grace, I’m more than my skin, my hair, my body type. I am a divine being that is capable of great things!
you wanna know the secret to having a big butt .. eat a lot chicken thighs for a whole year and you will see the transformation… promise
I wish I had one too! EVERYTHING, and I mean, everything you said I relate to and fully agree with. When going out into public, it’s like taking the butt test! And making matters worse is the fact that many media sources have made butts ‘the thing’ of 2010, if not the entire decade. I do squats and ab workouts but I think my booty just doesn’t want to work with me. Now it’s the white girls showing me up? I even had a brotha ask me, while cuddling mind you, “where are the traces of the black female body” on me! I felt like slapping him! Me, so dark and lovely, but he said I should go into modeling because my shape made me perfect for it~ angular, straight, sans curves. But I raise above all the haters and thank God for his grace, I’m more than my skin, my hair, my body type. I am a divine being that is capable of great things!~
I feel you. Being made to feel like less than the Black women you know you are sucks.
…and makes dancing to “Let me see that booty” or “she gotta donk” kinda awkward…
But hey, we gotta work with what we’ve got :-)
I’m a member of the itty-bitty titty committee and the president of the tiny-booty club but I am at an age now where I love it! I used to envy my cousin because she was so thick in all the right places but now I admire my body just as much. I don’t have to worry about working out my butt to make it extra tight because its pretty firm, I’m proportioned so my body looks great in dresses and jeans AND I don’t have to worry about a booty sag after kids lol
My mom was as small as me when she was young and 4 kids later, she has the same curves as me with a little more in the front and the back so i’m pretty sure I’ll be blessed the same way
I mean, as much as we MIGHT like to, we can’t all be Bonita Applebum! Embrace you babe!
LOL!! Love it!! I thought I was the only one who felt that way! And as a sister that is part African, I felt like I was missing part of my inheritance (a donk). And I am with your friend. I happen to work with a white woman that has the perfect donk, and she hates it!(SMH). I wish we could trade.
Okay THIS makes me laugh b/c I also have a White friend who has a big a**, & she hates it & we always joke about trading bodies, LOLOL! Sometimes I think she hates it b/c it gets her too much attention from Black men, but that’s a whole ‘notha conversation…
Well some men of all races are dumb period if all they can only appreciate a woman for her buns buns than he’s not worth the time. I have a brain, a smile, attraction that some men adore. I’am not my butt I’am me. How would men like it if most of us only appreciate them for their wallets and poker lmaooo ok dont answer too quickly(tiger woods hoes rushing in)
@ Nancyregan
I dunno, I think if I was really honest the poker is high on my list of things to appreciate LOL. Yes, I appreciate it, I mean him a lot. LOL.
[...] Bottom Heavy- What if you’re a Black woman, but don’t have a “Black woman’s body”? (via Clutch) [...]
I wish I had this “problem.” Honestly, less-big (read big-butt) girls can find clothes to fit them, especially jeans that fit the hips AND the waist, Plus (I’m sorry) a bigger behind is somewhat less elegant and graceful (and feminine? – ooh, don’t go there) Preparing to be crucified by fellow big-butters: I remain, faithfully yours, Big Behind.
Sorry. I meant to say “big” and not “less big.”
its only a black woman thing because we embraced it, there are PLENTY of white woman with normal bodies with big butts, not the kind of body that you think of like a video vixen but a body of a real woman. I know tons of white woman who hve big butts. They may not embrace is as much as we do but having a big but by no means is just a black woman thing. there are tons of “cultures” or whites (i don’t know if thats the right term) but i mean like German, or Irish. Some have really thick bodies, and it’s genetics.
well my dear, i think im speaking for all the brothers on this planet, we do love a woman who has a nice butt, it will get more attention and yes its a party starter. As for brains…….well you will have to work that one out for yourself
I’m a white girl of Irish descent. My mother, while she was in the Army had to have her dress jacket let out in the hips/butt area…her and one other girl, who happened to be black. I’ve got my mother’s butt. I’ve *heard* (through 3rd parties, no proof) it’s a common shape for Irish women and even referred to as the “Irish Pear” :o)
Like Susan, high school was AWFUL. All my girlfriends were so skinny…now those same girls wish they had my butt! (And my mother says the same. Butts are the new boobs these days!) However, for *me* the most frustrating part is finding clothes that fit! I’ve embraced the a-line skirt, b/c I can buy it in a size that fits my waist and there’s plenty of room for my hips/butt, but I’d LOVE to buy other styles, not have a gap in the waist of my pants, or buy a dress that fits my boobs AND my butt at the same time instead of just one or the other!!! Actually, that’s how I found this blog….googling keywords like “bottom heavy, skirt” etc (I don’t remember the exact terms I used, sorry!) trying to find out if I could possibly pull off a pencil skirt!
@ Rachel
Yes, try a pencil, but try several lengths, because it depends on your height what lenthg will go with your body type. Pencil skirts look great on us. I personally was never a skirt/dress girl. I am trying though because I am also not a short person either.
@Beef Bacon Thanks! I’ll keep trying. In my head, I keep seeing the likes of Marilyn Monroe who looked great! So in theory, it can be done! But when *I* try them on….lol I’m thinking I might need to buy something too large for my waist and have it tailored. Or learn to sew :o)
Why any self respecting woman would ever care about her physical appearance over what she has to offer mentally or socially boggles my mind. As women so often there are complaints about how men spend their time focusing on superficial things like skin color, hair length, breast size, or even butt size. I’m simply offended that any woman would take the time to waste precious moments of their day to talk about their rear ends. Now if your butt is of great interest to you because it is an aspiration that you’ve had solely for yourself…then power to you. But as for those women who are in pursuit of the big rump because they want more men to notice you…think about this: if he only glanced at you or made move to talk to you because of the size of your rump..how could you ever honestly say that he had ‘real’ interest in you?
Ladies have some self respect and some pride and stop worrying about what your body shape looks like. You were made the way you are for a reason. Learn to love your shape. Real men love women in all shapes sizes and colors, and if you have to alter or add on to your body in order to garner the attention of a man…he probably isn’t worth your time anyway. Love yourself…geeze!
@Shiva
Life is not meant to be THAT serious ALL THE TIME. We are simply talking how we would if were having a cocktail chilling with the women. Intelligent conversations cover all aspects of life. Including ones, you rarely hear about. This is not about men really, just about a topic that is COMMON among brothers but yet unspoken among black women.
We are wise enough to know that we do not want a man to WANT us for our bodies…geez! Just talking and relating…that’s all.
Great article! To be honest, Just shows you that there is no “This is what a black woman looks like” that we can go to…. we are all different.
I remember the first time I realised I had a big “donk” (sorry, I love that word). I was 12 years old, it was really hot outside (for London anyway) and I wore some pink shorts while walking with my mother. I vaguely noticed some looks but sure as hell noticed the three cars that slowed down while I walked by the kerb and the looks of the men’s faces inside the cars. It freaked me out and I demanded that we went home. I’ve learnt to love it, because as you say, it is desirable in the black community and I’ve never cursed it…. but I guess I would have chosen to wait in the “boob line”.
And I agree with the comments about looking professional. I’ve been temping this summer as an assistant in an office… and every pencil skirt and buisness dress looked presentable…. until I turned to the side. *sigh* Guess everyone has their body issues.
[...] Clutch Magazine, “Bottom Heavy“ [...]
LOL. The days of worrying about not having a “black” arse are well and truly over. The current sentiment is that any man, regardless of his colour, can kiss it! :D
Oh, my love, your post made me laugh so hard! And you will laugh when I tell you that I am a white woman with a “big ol’ butt”. And yes, I spent my youth being made to feel ugly, ugly, *ugly* for my fat ass. I hated it so much, I even had fantasies where I cut it off my body. Then all of a sudden in my mid-thirties Jennifer Lopez makes butts “the new black”, and suddenly men are complimenting my butt, and women are saying they wish it was theirs! I would be flattered if I weren’t so damn frustrated! The REAL frustration? It was only at that point that I started allowing myself to feel good about my butt. I felt a little self-betrayed that I couldn’t have been on my own side before then. Maybe I should just shut up and be grateful for the lucky social-sanction therapy.
I am very with you on street harassment – I have been shouted at in the street by men all my life(did it affect me prejudicially because most of them were black…?) , and nowadays I make it very clear that I don’t welcome it. My pet peeve is men who shout “Hey! Are you married?!” I shout back, “Why no! Let’s have sex *right now*!” and walk off.
This is just a tragedy isn’t it? We can spend our whole lives feeling ugly, even if we’re beautiful, and then what good does beauty do us? It seems like such a big waste of time. Maybe we should just stop waiting for diets and running and makeup and clothes and girdles to give us permission, and see what happens when we just start out feeling beautiful from the beginning.
Le Sigh. It is irony. And I’m sure you know, sure that almost all women know that men are not attempting disrespect when they notice an attractive Lady. Absent hooting and such, of course. I suppose also it is not a mystery that attractive comes in many forms and in many shades and that feelings about this can be unrealistic and even unfortunate. When we wish we had something we don’t, very often we overlook that we are taking for granted something we do have. Something fully as worthwhile as what we wish for in vain. We must be careful what we think of ourselves, for this is not without power.
If I May?
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MESSAGE TO A FRIEND
You are what you think. Not what you think you are, just, what you think. That miraculous spark behind your eyes is very much more you than the whole of your body.
Sit. Close your eyes. Breathe. Observe.
If nothing you truly see then watch for a while. Try to imagine nothing watching you, but don’t try hard. Is there an end to it? Look to the edge of nothing. Look around.
This is where you are. You are the only one here. Look around long enough and you will learn to see what it is you are looking around … with.
Amazing. To me. That each could be as I see myself, if I see clearly. But, then, the way I see it is just the way I see it, See?
So. What do you see?
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It’s interesting: you are concerned about not reaching this black-sanctioned beauty standard, whereas I often am measuring myself up to the white standard–a skin physique, slim lips, and a high nose. Anyhow, interesting perspective.
This was pretty awesome! :-)