Down Low Sistas
We can thank R. Kelly for igniting the proverbial flame under mainstream society asses, courtesy of his over-the-top “Trapped in the Closet” made-for-daytime-television, mini-movie video series. The soap opera-esque docu-drama exposed the secret lives of men in a rare form like no other. It was then that we were bombarded with the “Down Low Brotha” syndrome like a tidal wave of Justin Bieber fans. The topic of conversation – men who lead double lives, dabble on both sides of the fence, and participate in sexual relations with women by day and men by night – appeared inside the featured pages of African American women’s magazines. Plastered across the glossy covers read such headlines as: “Know the Signs of a Down Low Lover” and “Black Men Reveal Why They Keep Their Male Lovers a Secret,” among countless others, in turn putting fear in the hearts of women.
A phenomenon which changed the face of dating, making us think twice before giving up our precious goodies. Getting to know the intricacies of the man behind the suit and tie or Timbs and wife beater (depending on the woman *wink*) became parallel to the dating prerequisites of whether he had a legal job, and his own car. For once, we began to hold men accountable for their actions, and weren’t oblivious to the fact that not all gay men fell under the stereotype of a particular profession (i.e. hairdresser) or certain dress code (i.e. feminine).
Fast forward to 2010 when sexual preference and orientation is publicly embraced in music – see Nicki Minaj, media and television – from the ‘Tyra Banks Show’ to reality TV shows such as ‘The Real World’ – it’s baffling that in real life a homosexual/bisexual lifestyle is still very much the sweetest taboo.
Despite being led to believe that Black men are the only ones hiding behind a straight, “I’m heterosexual” face, Black women are engaging in same-sex relationships, choosing to lie about their true sexuality. While most of us were peeking over our shoulders wondering if the guy dancing up on us in the club was perhaps “down low,” a few of our fellow sistas were lurking in the closet. Well, maybe more than a few, but you catch my drift. Just as men, you would never know a “DL sista” by her occupation or physical appearance. However, often times, these sistas mask behind their careers, made-up exterior and material possessions to appear normal or as what society deems the traditional make up of a straight woman.
For whatever reasons, be it insecurity, fear of judgment, neglect or non-acceptance; they portray a certain image for others. DL sistas are all around us in everyday common places. She sits in the cubicle next to you at work, and her daily conversation revolves around men. Proudly proclaims her singledom, but declares the right man will find her as she runs down endless criteria from her life mate check list. She’s one of your Facebook and MySpace friends whose profile suggests she’s Single, Heterosexual and Interested Only in Men. Numerous status updates mention her desire for a man in her life with references such as, “I’m having car trouble today… this is why I need a good man in my life!!!!” Then there’s the sista who has a boyfriend. She sneaks away for mini-weekend-vacays with her female boo and her boyfriend doesn’t have a clue. Constantly bashes him to her female friends to ease her guilty conscience. Mind you, friends have no idea she goes both ways. A closet lesbian wouldn’t dare let on such privy information.
Unabashedly, these sistas practice deceitful behavior in the same manner as their male counterparts as though it’s acceptable, showing no respect for themselves or anyone else. The misconception that female-on-female action is every man’s fantasy could be a contributing factor but that’s not a valid excuse, as not all men share or will agree with such desires. Some men perceive DL sistas as confused individuals and prefer to date only straight women, steering clear of the unnecessary drama.
The answer remains ambiguous as to why the down low mindset has become the norm in Black culture, but there are serious consequences to this alternate lifestyle that are obviously being ignored. One being the prevalent HIV/AIDS epidemic among the African American community, which also applies to homosexual activity between women as it does men.
Sistas, don’t let a few minutes of pleasure turn into a lifetime of pain. Dare to be truthful.
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“Posing as ordinary women, not the stripper in the club or private escort on Craigslist who generally identify as “Bi”…”
Who “poses” as an ordinary woman? What you’re saying that one must live some sort of heterosexist “normality” to be ordinary? Newsflash…bisexual and lesbian women are NORMAL and ORDINARY…NEXT.
“However, often times, these sistas mask behind their careers, made-up exterior and material possessions to appear normal or as what society deems the traditional make up of a straight woman.”
What career, material possessions, or made up exterior can one “hide” behind? I wasn’t aware that there were/are heterosexual specific careers, clothing, or cars.
“The answer remains ambiguous as to why the down low mindset has become the norm in Black culture”
ANSWER: Homophobia. There, I hope it isn’t ambiguous for anyone now.
“there are serious consequences to this alternate lifestyle”
Being a lesbian or bisexual woman is NOT an alternate “lifestyle”; it’s not a “choice”; it’s not something you just wake up one day and think “Gee how can I be different?”
I’m glad you brought up the STD and HIV issue as everyone should use protection. Lesbian/bi women who though they are the LEAST likely group to contract HIV statistically (behind gay males, and heterosexual folks) it’s STILL possible to contract.
girl, thank you for this. an educated response to the ignorant, inspid, asinine article. i was getting so hot behind the ears reading this drivel. you totally broke it down for her. and who the hell does this person think she is to define what “normal” is?
Thank you for your comment, Lauryn..I totally agree with you. This article is very hurtful. This ESPECIALLY spoke to me:
“Posing as ordinary women, not the stripper in the club or private escort on Craigslist who generally identify as “Bi”…”
Who “poses” as an ordinary woman? What you’re saying that one must live some sort of heterosexist “normality” to be ordinary? Newsflash…bisexual and lesbian women are NORMAL and ORDINARY…NEXT.
Thank you for posting in your comment that as GLBTQI women, we ARE normal! I would hate to think of the young woman who has NO access to a queer community of her own reading this article and think that she’s NOT normal. Instead of affirming that by her being HERSELF, she’s beautiful and AMAZING not someone that’s not ‘Normal’
-LL
Whoo! I got annoyed reading the word ‘sista’ over & over in this article. Sorry.
But interesting topic. We all know with women, it’s much easier for them to say that they like other women. Society is ok with ‘girly lesbians’ & many women proudly say that they’re bisexual or lesbian. And the so-called ‘dykes’ (a.g.’s or whatever) are easily spotted. Men dont gravitate to women that look like them.
I have all sorts of friends and yes, lesbians do have the same issues with bisexuals. Some girls have boyfriends/husbands, and they want to mess around with other girls. It’s all wrong & cheating! Theres a name for women like that, but I dont remember it….
I think its safe to say, DL sistas aren’t as harmful as the men. But all of this ‘hiding’ is just wrong. Diseases are avoidable & too bad people choose to play games.
look dyke is a homophobic epithet. please don’t use it. you can call them a.g.’s, butches, masculine women, but the word dyke is ignorant, hateful, and disrespectful and . okay?
and lmao, PLEASE tell me how you know that men aren’t attracted to them? please some butch women are extremely pretty, with naturally beautiful faces and figures, and i’m sure some of them are prettier then you. pretty much every single one of my girlfriends, who are masculine women, have been hit on by a man at some point. these are still women, and sometimes the fact that a woman is gay doesn’t stop some men who are somehow insulted by the notion female homosexuality because they have been socialized to believe they are supposed to have sexual access to every woman. and some men are just attracted to masculine women. and some masculine women are bi. look at meshell ndegeocello, she’s bisexual. so is samantha ronson. please don’t assume things. open your horizons.
I wouldn’t blame R. Kelly for that whole DL thing. I blame that guy who wrote that book and then appeared on Oprah to talk about it. I also wouldn’t say that female to female activity is to blame for spreading AIDS, since the risk of the disease from that is extremely low. And I also wouldn’t say that the DL is all that prevalent in females (at least not in black ones), since I don’t know one woman who would dare let another woman near her on that kind of way. The gay and bi ladies that I’ve met all seem pretty open about their sexuality. I guess it’s because there’s less of a stigma to it. Even in high school, there were so many guys I knew were gay, but they swore they liked women. But it seemed like every day, a new girl was coming out of the closet.
the premise of this article is ridiculous, women are less likely to be on the down low, because in a limited capacity female homosexuality is sometimes more socially acceptable then male homosexuality. i am almost always out to people, except in situations that might be detrimental to my safety or my livelihood, like when dealing with overly aggressive men or if i’m in a workplace enviornment where i don’t feel comfortable being out. is that my fault ? no. homophobia is to blame for shoving people back in the closet when they would like to be more open and direct with people. and who the hell do you think you are to define what is normal?
“these sistas mask behind their careers, made-up exterior and material possessions to appear normal or as what society deems the traditional make up of a straight woman…”
you might as well be talking about me, because i’m extremely feminine, in the fashion industry, love make up, and like handbags and shoes, and because i may not come out to certain people for safety issues and to protect my livelihood. i ddn’t realize it before but by being MYSELF i’m ACTUALLY being deceitful about my true, disgusting, deviant nature. are you joking? first of all, someone’s sexuality is none of your business unless they are sleeping with you. second, this statement makes you sound prejudiced. do you REALLY think lesbians are only supposed to appear a certain way and have certain careers? so if i’m not wearing timbs and doing construction i’m DELIBERATELY trying to appear straight. gtfoh!
“Posing as ordinary women, not the stripper in the club or private escort on Craigslist who generally identify as “Bi,” DL sistas are all around us in everyday common places. She sits in the cubicle next to you at work, and her daily conversation revolves around men. Proudly proclaims her singledom, but declares the right man will find her as she runs down endless criteria from her life mate check list. She’s one of your Facebook and MySpace friends whose profile suggests she’s Single, Heterosexual and Interested Only in Men…”
again, unless you are f*cking them how is ANY of this your business?
“The misconception that female-on-female action is every man’s fantasy could be a contributing factor but that’s not a valid excuse, as not all men share or will agree with such desires.”
lesbianism and female bisexuality= NOT ABOUT MEN. how about women wanting to have sex with other women, not because they are trying to entice men, but because they are really attracted to other women! i know, such a hard concept to grasp! but here’s a revelation: sex is not always about men. sometimes it has NOTHING to do with them.
“One being the prevalent HIV/AIDS epidemic among the African American community, which also applies to homosexual activity between women as it does men.”
stop trying to legitimize this dumb ass article with faux concern for lesbians. hiv is (much) less likely to be transmitted between lesbians then it is for everyone else. do some damn research if you’re going to make try to make it sound real. lesbians are more likely to contract bacterial vaginonsis, herpes,and hpv from each other then HIV.
Thank you Sloane! Your argument is completely on point. This article is homophobic, ridiculous, offensive and divisive. Part of the article essentializes queer identified women into little categories with no room for gray. Then the writer acts as if she cares about our health, because it’s an HIV/AIDS issue.
The final line “Dare to be truthful” made me so mad! It basically neglects homophobia as a factor that people stay in the closet. There are so many reasons why people may and may not come out. For me, safety is a huge issue. I have chosen for the safety of myself and my family, to be closeted in SOME spheres of my life. I need to be strategic, but that does not make me malicious or irresponsible. I’m merely trying to survive. It is a personal choice.
Finally, I’m tired of bisexual women (and men) being labeled as ‘shady individuals who just sleep around’ by the media. This is nonsense, and it is not getting us as a community to a place of real discussions about serious issues, including homophobia.
Overall, I feel the article was degrading and dehumanizing.
@einalem- thank you. you said it even better then i did. this type of article is just designed to be divisive, discriminatory, and judgemental and the author had no regard for the queer women she was disparaging.
oh i wanted to correct something i misspelled: bacterial vaginosis, one the STI’s lesbians really SHOULD be worried about.
sorry for the dissertation i wrote, but this idiocy upset me.
Thank you all for responding. I saw RED when I read that “ordinary” woman line. I was going to really rant about it on Twitter, but opted against it. This is one of the dumbest things I’ve read on this website, and that says a LOT.
First, the idea of what is feminine and masculine is salient, so if we are to define one’s sexual preference/orientation by how he/she socially presents, we’d be a bunch of idiots. What’s feminine to me may not be to you, therefore neither of us can judge people based on such a biased notion.
If a woman doesn’t cook or wear heels, should we assume she is less feminine and thus not an ordinary, heterosexual woman? And if a lesbian or bisexual woman wears red lipstick, 4 inch stilletoes, and weave down her back, do we assume she is heterosexual or pretending to be? Let me guess… we need to start wearing Scarlet B’s and L’s to identify ourselves now?
Bitch, please.
Dare to be truthful? Here’s some truth for you.
The Black Church is primarily responsible for this pervasive homophobia. The historical emasculation of Black men is responsible for this pervasive homophobia. Ignorant bloggers with no real insight into the real lives of oppressed members of the LGBT community are responsible for the pervasive homophobia.
The idea that heterosexuality is “normal” and “ordinary” is responsible for this pervasive homophobia.
You know what, I can’t even type anymore lol It will go over your head anyway… Stick to what you know and leave the LGBT issues for those who at least half-understand the intricacies of the struggle.
Yuck.
This article reads like propaganda+a witch hunt. I’m not comfortable with community-wide ‘releasing the hounds’ on men OR women for fear of them being on the DL.
Why on earth would any of the “deceitful” sistas want to come out as gay/bi/anything when they’re obviously gonna be lambasted by their co-workers, friends, family; as this article suggests.
Sexuality+love is not a mystery for anyone else to solve except for those folks involved in the relationship.
Readers,
Our editors made edits to this piece, omitting the “ordinary” line. CLUTCH Mag is not an anti-LGBT publication and readers should always know the views and opinions expressed in commentary-based articles belongs solely to the writer and not necessarily CLUTCH Mag. We’d like to extend our sincerest apologies to any readers who may have been offended.
Our best,
CLUTCH
Frankly I’m surprised that no one thought to edit it in the first place… I honestly don’t even see why it was published. What point does the author make? “Some women are bisexual and don’t tell anyone about it.” Um, okay?
Where does one begin?
As a writer, I realize that as a hetero Black woman sometimes my responses are heteronormative. Attempting to “do” sexuality is difficult and nuanced. Period.
When I read this post I hoped it would address the way traditional gender/sex roles create issues like “down low” behavior and/or masking in the lives of both gay men AND women. That would have been an exceptional read.
Instead, I was bombarded with, “For whatever reasons, be it insecurity, fear of judgment, neglect or non-acceptance; they portray a certain image for others. Posing as ordinary women, not the stripper in the club or private escort on Craigslist who generally identify as “Bi,” DL sistas are all around us in everyday common places.” This type of speaking promotes homophobia, regardless if its intention- a sort of “watch out for the big bad lesbian” meme. Its sad.
I’d love to know what the focus of the article was meant to be, because I fear I lost it.