Speaking Our Minds: Is It a Gift or Curse for Today’s Black Woman?
Recently, I caught myself thinking out loud.
I’ve never been one to bite my tongue, and knowing myself and how my thoughts always go from blocks to small cities, I realize that it’s hard to cap a metropolis when mental construction is on the rise.
For women, especially black women, having something to say almost comes as second nature. You rarely ever find us at a loss for words. We speak our minds, whether out of turn or not, and without the necessity of needing any permission.
It’s as if we’re letting the world know time and time again, that we don’t take mess, stand for injustice, and you can’t pull the wool over our eyes — even if you have a sheep farm and we need a sweater.
But if you mesh our outspoken nature and add in the aspect of being in a relationship, a lot of men don’t like this portion. Some find it one of the most prominent reasons for why brothers have found other options when it comes to their racial choices in the dating world.
But not for everyone, I’ll add.
Without extinguishing our ability to speak our minds, there are a great number of brothers who enjoy our freedom of expression and can handle whatever it is we might say as long as it’s within reason and not harmful to their character.
Whether we’re labeled a bitch, nag, psychopath, or drama queen, I’d rather be an opinionated person than someone who goes along with the world and never questions anything or anyone.
Maybe it’s a trademark garnered from the years our ancestors spent fighting for freedom. Standing up for what we think, feel, and believe is something we do without apology but maybe more often then we should.
Choose your arguments wisely, because speaking your mind can have a downside.
Speaking out isn’t really the issue, rather it’s trying to recover from an unknown reaction to our words. Planning the battle doesn’t always denote the end, so even with a verbal Uzi in your hand, sometimes you can end up being the one who’s forced to eat the bullets when it’s all said and done.
It’d be a lie to pretend that whenever sisters go “balls out” they never go too far. Often times, no matter what you may’ve thought, “keeping it real” does go wrong when we opt to speak our minds without considering how our words can affect the other person.
Recently I caught myself speaking out of turn, saying the first thing that came to my mind (which I often do) and wishing that I could recount the event after my tactless honesty had hit the air. Impossible.
What I said doesn’t really matter. But as I look back now, empty-handed and angry at only myself, I wonder how important my speech really was when the words I spoke killed my audience.
Armed with a great excuse for inciting an unnecessary argument, the reaction of my words came from a distaste for a brewing feeling that had gone from a tolerable pain to a blinding agony. Truth of the matter is, I took a temporary frustration and wrote myself a permanent sentence – it cost me a friendship.
Even after a million apologies, we must remember that the latter day doesn’t change the past. You can’t take something you said back; it’s best to think about your options before you choose to open your mouth.
Is this a downside for black women? Or is the fact that we don’t fear expressing ourselves an admirable trait.
It really all depends on who’s observing. The most important thing to remember is that there’s good and bad in everything we do, but if we don’t weigh our options and examine balance, then we become victims of spontaneity and live for seconds rather than hours.
Here are a few things to think about before you commence to speaking your mind.
1. After all is said and done, what is the other party going to think about you going forward?
Being passive is an art, and many of us don’t realize that choosing not to go off doesn’t make you a fool; it just means that you understand the importance of choosing the proper battles. Far too often I think we speak before we’ve given the idea much time to settle. Cussing folks out, fighting to be right, wanting the last say … in the moment, just like a boxer, those things feel necessary. But when looking at your opponent, should you really be trying to knock someone out that you say you love?
2. Since you can’t take back words, statements, or insults, are you running more of a risk opening your mouth, or are you truly helping the situation?
When you call someone out of their name out of spite, anger, or irritation, apologizing doesn’t always lead to resolution, because it can’t take away the fact that you went there in the first place. Sometimes love means admitting you’re wrong when you already know you’re right. Sitting on your hands and letting the universe work everything out can be the best way to see if maybe a problem is all that pertinent or if the big deal is really all in your mind.
3) Who stands to gain from you speaking your mind? If you’re searching for the upper hand in the relationship, you’re forgetting that it’s supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.
Like Kanye West said, “No one man should have all that power.” If having the last word is about claiming the upper hand, then speaking your mind has become a game of sport and not necessarily a positive tool for getting your point across. Whether it’s a friendship or relationship that your mouth stands to jeopardize, respect should be the common boundary, and when having your say, you should never infringe upon that.
So Clutchettes and Gents, do you think speaking your mind has its positive and negative aspects?
Do you regret something you said recently, and how are you recovering from that experience?
61 Comments – Add Yours
Latest Articles
Most Popular This Week
Recent Comments
-
Andrea on
When You’re A White Straight Comic, Bigotry’s All About the Joke
My thoughts as well.
-
Crystal on
#PayYourBillsDiddy? Photographer Takes to Twitter to Get Diddy to Pay Up
I know a few people who have worked for Diddy and they did not get paid, or they got paid late. He is notorious for this. Some people,...
-
Elle Michelle on
Meagan Good Tells Life & Style She & Her Fiancée Are Waiting For Their Wedding Night
@Yulez: Preach!
-
Elle Michelle on
Meagan Good Tells Life & Style She & Her Fiancée Are Waiting For Their Wedding Night
I concur.
“Speak your mind”?
A child speaks their mind because that is all they are capable of. They lack the necessary levels of maturity to much else. They just say the first thing that comes to their s minds. They are children we don’t expect much from them.
We do expect much more from adults however. Adults should be capable of tact, mental discipline and the types of sophistication that children find to be beyond their grasp. When a woman proudly proclaims that she “speaks her mind” she is basically admitting that she doesn’t know how to rise above the type of simple minded communication techniques that we expect from children. She is admitting that lacks mental discipline and doesn’t know how to communicate like an adult.
One again a child speaks its mind because it has a limited range of communication skills.. Why do black women take pride in doing things children do only because they have no other option?
Interesting….well, you are entitled to your opinion after all, doesn’t mean we all agree and I proclaim that I speak my mind on my blog profile. Just because a grown adult speaks their mind, it does not mean they are necessarily saying juvenile things.
There are many people who have an opinion about something in this world, but just because they are worried about what x person says they don’t voice their valid opinions.
Besides, I am very happy to speak my mind simply because NOT speaking my mind for several years has seen me in very unfavourable and unfortunate situations. Let’s just say I have had enough of that.
I have come to the understanding that I can’t please everyone and don’t actually intend to, most especially people who don’t even know the first thing about what makes me tick as a person.
The people that really count are in my inner circle, so that is what really matters at the end of the day.
Just speaking for myself as usual.
I didn’t say that simply because you speak your mind your ideas are juvenile. The very act of speaking ones mind as a primary means of communication is a sign of poor communication skills and lack of communication skills.
You seem to have the same problem abot 99% of black women have. That is you have a digital mind wherein you believe in all aspects of life there are only two choices each represents polar extremes.
In the black woman’s mind either you are a doormat who say nothing or you are this super aggressive woman who says whatever comes to their mind. This is why I say that black women have poor communication skills. For most people in this world there exists a happy medium that is available to them that they employ on a regular basis.
People who speak their mind with little regard to the outcome are people who are admitting that they don’t know how to effectively communicate.
I do have regrets because I was young and naive. I didn’t know exactly how to pick my battles. I looked at everything as part of a war that I just had to win. I’ve made progress over the past years, though, and it’s noticeable progress. A year ago, however, I got angry and didn’t think about what I was saying, and I lost someone I still really care about. The argument was petty–stupid even. I got the last word, but it wasn’t worth it. Nothing I can do will bring that person back. Words cut much deeper than anything in this world, and there’s no quick fixes for a person’s speedy recovery. Removing you from their life may be the only way they can heal, and that’s not something I want to go through ever again.
I love Black women there is no “downside to Black women” but yeah some don’t know when to let it go. I like strong passionate women so let’s be clear of what we take issue with–and Black women hold no ill traits not seen in other women.
@Michelle
Very true, plenty of white women speak their minds but they are considered as crass, rebellious and unrefined. The role that they are born into is so well entrenched that white men dont need to enforce it anymore… its in everything- from cultural mannerisms to the way clothes are constructed- in a way that limits movement and aids helplessness (tight corsets, dresses with no pockets, shoes you can’t run in…such that you always play fit the role of the damsel in distress). How many things do white women not do because its unladylike or compromises decorum? Slavery and colonialism was first practiced in the white home- on the backs of the white woman. Indeed, charity begins at home. Today she is the perfect slave, and if she fails to bend to power, or realises the hustle, there are plenty of terrible names and there are dire repercussions for the type of white woman that goes against the grain. White women have so internalised their enslavement that they police each other- the white man is now a spectator and reaper of benefits. Even when a white woman tries to prove herself— or even a woman of colour tries to prove herself in a white-male-dominated world, she has to assume the traits of the male, because in western society it is widely accepted that women are the weaker sex, and that to show strength, you have to assume male traits, ie, shirk femininity- look at white women in powerful positions- they’re all men! Hilary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Angela Merkel, Condoleeza Rice etc. and then look at powerful women in the non-western world- Winnie Mandela, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Benazir Bhutto (RIP), Aan Sang Suu Kyi, I could go on– all woman, in feminine glory, their power is derived from their femininity. There wouldn’t be feminism if the white women didn’t also feel the weight of white patriarchy on themelves. And now white male patriarchy in the post 9/11 world is targeting Muslim women and taking away their burkas because they dont want to subject themselves to the divine right of the white male to gaze at their bodies and faces. And this is what black men want for black women?
adrift, this is a powerful worldview. as you know, as American (western) women, our perspectives are shaped by where we live. the nationalist bent of our media (windows to the outside world) prevents us from seeing femininity from a holistic (world-wide) perspective.
Wow.. U sad everything I haven’t been able to find the words to say for years. Great article!
I think if we take the approach that if we take a deep breath and focus on love we will be able to 1) say things in a way that actually communicates to the heart of the matter, and 2) maybe not even feel the need to say anything at all. Once again choosing ones battles.
This article was interesting and yes it was worded towards Black Women, but we all know that as times change and people are exposed to each others culture, dialect and overall mannerisms freely, and more readily– this isn’t just a Black Woman thing. BUT as a Black Woman I felt that it was speaking directly to me. I am happy to have a place to come when I want to read issues I deal with constantly. There are somethings I just don’t get and Clutch has a way of making a few things click.
It’s not easy being us. But sometimes, sometimes…you do catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. We should learn from our mistakes, & only bring it out for emergency use only, lol.
http://www.essenceofsilk.com 100% silk & satin pillowcases & wrap scarves.
first of all, i think this article is making a huge generalization about the personal characteristics of black women. we may have shared experiences as black women, but we are still individuals. we don’t ALL have issues with tact, which is what i think you’re talking about. for those that do, who knows, they may or may not come across a situation (or a person) that will cause them to reevaluate their communication skills but that’s on them. so let’s not propogate the stereotype of black women as bombastic loudmouths who can’t keep their mouths shut.
i generally always speak my mind. most of the time i try to be tactful and considerate while doing it, but sometimes the situation calls for someone to be put in their place and i don’t mind doing that either, if that is what’s needed. i used to be the kind of person who didn’t say what they were thinking and sometimes acted out by being passive aggressive (i learned this from my mother) and it got me nowhere fast. it resolved nothing and made me resentful until i imploded. now, if there’s an issue going on in my life try to address it directly. i can’t really see why a person shouldn’t speak their mind on any particular issue unless it’s none of their business or they are completely uninformed about the issue at hand.
Something that black women need to realize is when you are talking to a black man remember you are not his mother so do not talk at him like you are. This is a BIG turn off for many brothers. Right or wrong, when a black woman gets loud with his man it is like he hears his mother or grandmother.. Seriously.
If you want your man or other black men to take you seriously express yourself, but not to the point where everyone can hear you and you start with the rolling eyes, sucking teeth and references to his family.
One of the things that draw brothers to women of other cultures, not just white is that they are not loud, vocal and in some cases Opinionated.
Sometimes if there is nothing nice to say don’t say it or huff, puff, blow, sigh and suck your teeth or roll your eyes…
Women need to remember the tools they used to get their man or get a man,..
You can get more with honey than………….
Wm Jackson
this is freaking ridiculous. how does a woman speaking her mind have anything to do with men? or getting a man? or keeping a man? who the hell cares what men think of a woman speaking her piece?
@William Jackson
What I find most amusing is that these women of other cultures accomplish more with their softness than black women do with their hardness.
@rommulus- do they really? i mean has dealing with sexism been abolished for ANY woman of ANY race no matter what kind of “attitude” they have? no. so what the hell are you talking about? you’re using this article as an excuse to stereotype black women as somehow being harder. sorry, not getting away with it. have you met EVERY black woman? have you met EVERY woman of every other race? if not, stop propogating the LIE that the qualities attributable to SOME women are are attritubatle to ALL women. we are all individuals, and it’s insulting to assume otherwise.
>>>i mean has dealing with sexism been abolished for ANY woman of ANY race no matter what kind of “attitude” they have? no. so what the hell are you talking about? <<>>have you met EVERY black woman?<<<
This is another well worn black female response when they have nothing to say.
Do I need to meet every Indian to say Indians like curry?
I don't need to meet every black woman to say anything especially when other men are saying the same thing.
I swear black women are programmed to provide resistance to anything black men say.
The type of energy you give out is coming back to you regardless of who you are; black, white, male or female. There are plenty of surly, negative women of other races that snap on fools constantly and carry a chip on their shoulder for no damn reason and you know what? Most of them are single too.
The law of attraction is colorblind!
where’s my ‘like’ button?
The picture that accompanies this article says it all and it’s horrible the way I see some black women speak to their husbands, boyfriends, brothers, etc. Why is it so hard for some women to express themselves respectfully? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. A hand in the face, loudness, neck rolling, etc. is out of control.
You should have more respect for yourself, because this type of behavior says more about you as a woman, as a human being, than it does about the person you’re yelling at. It’s not about being heard, it’s about being listened to and I don’t know any man, black, white, Indian who is willing to listen to some loudmouth woman disrespecting him, herself and everyone else who might be in earshot.
Re: The Picture Accompanying The Article
I think the (inflammatory) message the photo conveys *does not* reflect the reasonable message of “speaking our minds” that women are conveying in the followup comments.
PassingThrough,
Exactly, speaking your mind does not mean that you have to get physical and get into someones’s face, sucking your teeth, neck rolling or getting physically violent etc
speaking your mind also not not mean you have to be rude although it may come across to some people as being rude because you don’t bow down and agree with everything they have to say.
Speaking your mind is merely speaking up for what you believe in, the values and opinions that you hold.
Obviously, some people on this post have a hard time distinguishing between the two things.
Also, we always seem to get back to this thing where we are trying our hardest to please men as if the world revolves around men. I see people saying things like “when a black woman gets loud with her man”. How do you know that a black woman speaking her mind is being loud. It all has a lot to do with interpretation, however, I can see that some people would obviously relate the article to experiences they may have had with their woman who may have been loud or whatever.
Speaking your mind and having strong opinions does not mean you can’t get a man or men for that matter. People seem to think that just because a woman speaks her mind she won’t be able to get a man or keep one. Please give me a break, the world des not revolve around having a man, especially if that man is a liability to begin with. I don’t want a man who is lazy, weak (meaning one who cries for just about everything like a baby), layabout, cheat, promiscuous, no ambition, sponger, no principles, no discipline, crook, tyrant etc
A relationship is a two-way thing, a partnership which works best when people respect each other. You can equate these word sto the world of work as well to broaden its meaning.
Maybe some people on this post need some clarification on that. There is a big difference between speaking your mind and then having a bad attitude and being a bad person.
It just occurred to me that some men or women who have a problem with women speaking their mind may have traits or behaviours resembling that of a tyrant or dictator. These are usually the people who have problems when people question them on things or have a differing opinion to theirs because they like to monopolise everything and only see their own point of view and nobody else’s. Yes, from reading some of the comments, it just occured to me. No point arguing with these types of people either, one way street and one track mind.
Besides, there is someone for everyone.
I love this article. My girls and I talk about this topic ad nauseum and exactly as you titled it; the gift and the curse. What we concluded is that the problem is not so much as having an opinion, expressing ourselves, or objecting to something but how it’s expressed. Unfortunately we are stereotyped as the neck rolling, finger pointing, tell it like it is type of communicators but I think what gets people is that we do it so well. lol. We really do, there’s not tell off like that of a sister; whether we cuss you out back porch style as I call it or we whoop you with intellect we do it well and if executed correctly, the other person is totally defeated, which is not good in every situation. So, I agree with the writer, we should think before we speak; choose our battles wisely because we don’t want to defeat our friends, men, or family. We have to use wisdom when wielding our “weapon.”
Wasn’t a somewhat similar article written not too long ago?
Anyway IMO #1) some people erroneously twist simply being constantly combative, messy and loud into ‘speaking their minds’, #2) insisting people are labeled angry just because they have an opinion is a cop out as I’ve just not witnessed that to be true.
It’s all in what is said and how!
Some people may delude themselves into thinking they’re ‘speaking their minds’ or brave for ‘telling people off’ or ‘not taking anyone’s shit’ but it’s a losing proposition and hardly intimidating. Those who behave in this manner will ultimately not get their way or what they want since it’s a major turn-off and it makes people not want to listen or be around them.
No, things should not be about trying to please men but they were mentioned in the article and, as stated, “a lot of men don’t like this.” I’ve got way too many brothers and male cousins, uncles and friends to doubt this.
As a man, I think the issue with men and “opinionated women” (and I don’t like how that phrase has a negative connotation) is the way the some women express thier opinons in a abrasive/confrontational manner. Everyone has an opinion and a right to express thier views (in this country), however, it’s ok to show some discernment and not try to belittle someone while sharing your views. I don’t know any man who wants a Stepford Wife, but we do appreciate a woman who can voice her opinion tactfully and with poise,
One day when I was going to Citzens Police Academy, we toured a jail. As I was walking through the jail, I was talking to the News Reporter that was coving the story. When we got to the door to leave, too my surprise she stopped me and put her mike in my face to question me on what did I think about how black people were about eighty per cent of the ones they lock up. Instead of just answering her question rapidly, I took my own time and gave her my thoughts. My point is, you never know when what you say will be repeated, so take your time before you speak. “WHEN YOU STAND FOR NOTHING, YOU WILL FALL FOR ANYTHING”!
I think in some ways, black women have been conditioned to be outspoken–but in a bad way. It’s part of the fallacy that “we” must always be strong and set with our dukes up like that leprechaun mascot for Norte Dame (we can look that cartoonish sometimes, too).
In some circles, this behavior is not only commonplace, it’s expected. Anything less is “acting white.” We need to do some damage control, by controlling the damage we do to ourselves, and to others.
We can tear down our household or build it up with our words. It is not so much a problem of what you say but how you say it. We all need someone to be honest with us but the skill comes in when we can tell a person the truth and still let them keep there diginity. If you make a person feel worthless even though you spoke the truth you accomplish nothing. At the end of the day treat/speak to a person how you would like to be treated/spoken to.
There’s nothing wrong with speaking your mind…just be gracious while doing so. I used to carry a chip on my shoulder and would say anything I felt I was grown enough to say to anyone who dared cross me.
Time , maturity, and a self-check helped me to see that I can be strong without being crass.
When you truly love someone, you won’t say or do anything to purposely hurt them. I had to realize that the reason I was cussing folks out was usually out of fear and insecurity.
It takes more strength and dignity to keep quiet and choose your battles than it does to fly off the handle just because you can.