How to Make Sistas Swoon

“Hey guys, my name is John, and I was wondering if you could help me out with something.  I really want to date more Black girls but I’ve always had alot of trouble attracting them.  I’ve gotten much better at talking to girls than I was as a freshman (now a senior) but this has made me more attractive to every type of girl other than the ones I actually want to date.

Despite a few experiences, I’m still more interested in them than all the other girls combined.  I hope you guys can help.”

The quoted text is a portion of a hilariously naive and surprisingly sincere (seriously) letter emailed us at VerySmartBrothas.com.  Although I was tempted to dismiss him with some snarky reply about Black women being prone to the same tendencies (and sudden bouts of bipolar behavior) synonymous with most women, I had to admit that the kid had a case.

While every sista obviously has her own unique likes and dislikes, there are a few rules and mores to remember when dealing with them that probably aren’t as universally applicable with non-black women. This isn’t an attempt to pigeonhole or stereotype as much as it’s just one of the unique things making African-American women the best and bangingest on the planet…and occasionally the most maddening to deal with.

1.  Make it known that you’re genuinely interested in, and attracted to, Black women.
There are myriad ways to do this, but the easiest is just to find a group of Black women somewhere and let them overhear you make a disparaging comment about a “typically attractive” non-Black woman while matter-of-factly lauding the looks of a sista who doesn’t fit the usual American standard of beauty.

In equation form:

You

+

Table full of educated (and slightly intoxicated) sistas

at Urban League Event

+

This statement out of your mouth: “Eh.  Megan Fox is overrated.  They need to stop playing and cast my girl Jilly from Philly in Transformers 3″

=

Instant Swoon.

If this doesn’t work, you could always just talk shit about Taye Diggs or Slim Thug.

2.  Care about what you wear.
While you don’t have to go all Farnsworth on us, it’s important to know that the grunge/grimy look probably isn’t going to go over too well, especially if she thinks your eight year old Etonic rocking ass is going to dirty her carpet if she invites you over.

3.  Don’t be scared to show your inner Stringer Bell.
I’m not suggesting that you build a drug empire while taking business courses on the side and bitching abut “40 degree days”, but remember that even the sidditiest sista appreciates an educated guy who shows that he’s not completely uncomfortable occasionally visiting the hood and dealing with peculiar hood phenomena.

Inviting her over to grill some Thai chicken with Chile dripping sauce for her?  Great!

Letting her know that you bought your new Weber Q 300 Gas Grill (and the “Best of Family Matters” DVD box set) for $15 from the Jamaican hustle man outside of your barbershop?  Even better!

Plus, while most women are impressed by a man who can protect them, projecting an understated sense of subtle iwishan*ggawouldness is a Black woman’s kryptonite.  Seriously, pull this off and you’ll be swimming in more black thongs than Scott Storch.

Although this can be difficult to project, I’ve found that slightly raising your head, holding eye contact, and smirking when faced with adversity usually does the trick.

4.  Be consistent, cautious, and careful with the compliments.
While there is some truth to the Chris Rock joke about women needing food, water, and compliments, to survive, how the compliment is actually received depends primarily on the type of compliment you’re giving and the type of woman you’re complimenting.  This is especially true with (some) Black women, where an innocent “You have really nice hair” statement could be spun into “Wait, why did he wait until the day after I got my hair relaxed to say that to me?  He must secretly want to be with a White woman.  Self-hating bastard.”

My advice?  Either keep it simple (e.g., “You look nice”), or make the compliment so eerily specific that you couldn’t possibly be talking about anyone on Earth other than her (e.g., “I just wanted to tell you that you gave the TV the cutest side-eye at the end of the Ochocinco show last week”).

5.  Belong to something.
Whether it’s a fraternity, church, civic organization, or The Crips, for whatever reason Black women seem to be genuinely enthralled by men who belong to some type of group.  If I had the time, I’d figure out exactly why, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with Frankie Lymon.

6.  Have an appreciation for 70′s soul music.
If you don’t actually appreciate 70′s soul music, you can fake it by shaking your head and making a “They don’t make music like they used to” or “Couldn’t nobody sang like Retha, boy” comment whenever any contemporary music is heard.

If it’s Beyonce overheard, just roll your eyes.  Or spit.  That’ll usually do the trick.