Lift Every Voice or Hold Your Peace?
“Not every word needs to be uttered. Sometimes you must just hold your peace.”
The first time I heard those words, they came from my family’s unbelievably strong matriarch—who, even as she nears her 80th year, still has kept her wits about her. Known to those in her Spanish Town neighborhood as Mrs. Watson, my grandma is known to me and my cousins as The One Who Does Not Play.
Usually, Mrs. Watson utters the phrase when one of us has told the neighbors that she was home when she didn’t want to talk to anyone, or when we have talked our “family business” in a public setting. She never says it too loud, just barely more than a mutter—but with all the fortitude of a threat, and the clear understanding that you would never say more than you needed to again.
While my grandmother’s West Indian scolding may not be what we all grew up with, all women have heard some version of this reprimand. As much as I hated it when I was little, Mrs. Watson’s trademark phrase is one that smart Black women seem to be heeding more and more.
Take, for instance, the old Michelle Obama. Remember the old Michelle? The one who made “60 Minutes” anchor Steve Kroft’s eyebrows sprint off his face when she said, “. . . as a Black man, you know, Barack can get shot going to the gas station.” Or the one who gave Glenn Beck material for days during the 2008 presidential campaign when she asserted that, for the first time as an adult, she was “proud of my country.” Since then, Michelle hasn’t provided the right-wing media nearly as much material as they would’ve liked. And they’re not the only ones disappointed.
According to The American Prospect, feminists are becoming increasingly fed up with Michelle’s meeker image as First Lady. Sure, she’s taken on issues to champion, but compared to the last Democratic FLOTUS, Michelle has not been the lightning-rod figure that many expected. Focusing on mentoring, military families, and pushing children to get off the couch are issues no one could argue against, definitely nothing close to Hilary’s pick of healthcare.
And while it may seem like Michelle could be using her political capital for more than jumping rope in kid’s gym classes—the numbers suggest that her newly revised meeker image is paying off.
The latest numbers show that Michelle’s approval rating has gone up 20 percentage points since she campaigned by her husband’s side two summers ago. Even after her much talked about trip to Spain, FLOTUS remains sitting pretty with more than half the country still enamored with the job she is doing.
But before you head to the comment section to note your outrage at my seeming endorsement of the suppression of the Black woman’s mind—note this: as the election season heats up, the White House will be deploying Michelle as a regular fixture on the campaign trail. According to one GOP pollster: “If this is a chess board, they’re putting their queen in play.”
As I look at her, I have to think that this new Michelle is onto something. While the meeker image isn’t one for which Black women are known, does some suppression make for good strategy? The answer to that question seems to lie in the title of my favorite Hall and Oates song, “Some things are better left unsaid.”
Last week, I decided to make my life a living experiment to test out this theory. I didn’t decide that it would be a good week to go lie down in the road of life and get run over, but I did choose to bite my tongue if I could help it. It didn’t mean I strayed from the tough conversations, but it meant not running head first into a minefield when I needed to keep pushing along on my path.
And the results of my restraint? Besides my own teeth marks firmly embedded into my bottom gum, the permanent changes are hard to count. But there were some little sparks of lovely that I wouldn’t have caught if I was preparing my sharp and epic response.
Choosing the simpler way seemed like I was denying myself a challenge. I felt like I wasn’t using all of me—like I was built to be complicated, varied, to be more. But in the simple tasks, I found boundless possibilities and unexpected answers to the things that had seemed tangled before. I found that when I felt something too strong to ignore, my words struck chords instead of blending into the sounds of all I had said previously.
Denying the urge to voice every word can let us hear notes we hadn’t before. It can let us show wisdom over insecurity, love over pettiness, and power over impulse. Some may say it’s a cop-out—a safe choice to be stifled and not heard. And while it is less hostile than the battlegrounds we are used to, it’s a place where our battles are made clear.
Maybe this space is what Michelle has found too, where my grandma has always dwelled. Where not voicing every objection does not make you a victim, and laying down your will does not make you less strong. I think that, for all our might, we are all looking for a place where putting down your guard does not make you less than a woman. It’s where, in the words of Corinne Bailey Rae, you lay upturned in the palm of God.
Maybe it does take some restraint to get there, but I think Mrs Watson knew all along—that it’s here where we realize what we could never hear before: in this simple space, with our controlled thoughts, we are more powerful than ever before.
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This is always a difficult one. I find it infuriating that many of my white or male counterparts are able to express themselves w/o the social retribution that I at times experience. I do think it is politically advantageous for black women to act like the new Michelle Obama. I do agree that quiet people perhaps are taken more seriously when they object because that is rare. but dang it, sometimes we have a hard time being heard, and now i am to stifle myself even further ?
To each it’s own is the philosophy that I live by, but I don’t want to feel obligated to react in a manner opposite of my regular manner b/c some racist/sexist mofos MAY see me differently. Ofcourse it seems like your decision to bite your tongue came from some introspection. *sigh*
I dunno, sometimes there are some things that need to be said and i guess stirking a balance between what is necessary and what is trivial is best.
I agree with you. Michelle Obama may have changed some of America’s preconceived notions, but at the end of the day Michelle Obama is Michelle Obama. Every other black woman, is every other black women. I think her profile right now is good.
And I support her obesity campaign, even though I think it should be for every age & not just for children.
Some feminists are upset, because she hasn’t done what they ‘expected’ of her? I could imagine what they expected :-/
@Alexandra
“…Some feminists are upset, because she hasn’t done what they ‘expected’ of her? I could imagine what they expected :-/…”
I think they were expecting the stereotypical ABW, except she was going to get angry about the issues that they wanted to put out on blast.
@secretaddy-totally agree.
IT’s so great to see Spanish Town mentioned on Clutch. That’s my birth place.
“Not every word needs to be uttered. Sometimes you must just hold your peace.”
I think I am going to use that saying for now on. Thank you, Mrs. Watson and thanks to Leslie Pitterson for publishing it.
All of my life, people (strangers and familiar ones) have mistaken my “quietness” for something negative. Some people had taken my act of silence as a sign that I was a sneaky, manipulative individual. Some people thought that I was a snob, because I wasn’t participating in a conversation with them. While others had mistaken my silence for being weak, especially when I am not in an uproar over something controversial (for example: the “Don Imus/Rutgers” situation), while others are staging protests and going on Twitter to stage a petition.
I don’t consider myself to be a weak and sneaky individual, who is an Uncle Tom (or should I say ‘Aunt Tomasina’) that doesn’t care about any/every injustifiable act done on people of color. Being a quiet individual, who is not clamoring to have my say (with other people), because I am careful with what I say to other people. I don’t think a lot of people can say that about themselves and I think that a lot of people don’t care either.
Really feeling your comment. Every action does not require a reaction and sometimes silence is the best weapon when you’re dealing with the rah-rah-rah in-your-face types who only want attention anyway.
It really boils down to choosing your battles carefully. People do try to throw some strong,quiet women off track with the snobby/sneaky/weak label but that just reflects their attempt to manipulate your response…
I am the same way. From this we need to recognize within our personality how to be a leader and heard among others. We don’t have to be loud. Being able to speak our minds in a tactful way is key. I feel Michelle Obama does that. Either way, someone is going to find a problem with her even when she’s done nothing OR doing something positive.
I have a problem with the word “meek.” Michelle doesn’t seem meek at all. In fact I see real strength and wisdom. It takes wisdom to decide what battles verbal or nonverbal to fight. If you are ready to throw down for every single infraction you’d be tired and angry all the time.
The 2008 Michelle and the 2010 Michelle are the same. We all have verbal blunders, though I had no problem with what she said.
I don’t see why she has to take on a huge cause or stand-up for every wrong. It looks like being a mom and a wife is a lot of work. It’s apparent that she is a talented, intelligent, beautiful woman and she deserves to life HER life like SHE wants.
Besides I can’t stand people who have something to say about EVERYTHING!
@ PinkFlame1983: There is nothing wrong with being meek. Actually, the definition of the word meek is “strength under control”, which is exactly what you are defining Michelle Obama as. And I agree with you. I’ve always been considered weak because I’m quiet or I don’t always express my opinion or appear to be “down for the cause.” I was always taught that there was a time and a place to speak up and be wise before you speak. Michelle Obama is doing a wonderful job as the FLOTUS and I like that she is meek and quiet, yet passionate about the issues of childhood obsesity and families in the military. Like my mother always says: “Just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know anything.”
@Patricia,
Very well put.
I have to say that I agree with this article both in the power of not speaking every time and feeling conflicted about it. I learned (possibly the hard way) that leaders, especially females, and more so black females of few powerful words have more influence than she with many, less meaningful words. It’s a matter of throwing your influence where it matters. Thinking of it as a strategy instead of just shutting up makes it so much more powerful!
WOW! Leslie does it again! I tried this experiment myself a few years ago but it didn’t work for me once I had a few drinks. I believe in the power of keeping your peace, it’s something that I’ve seen others master and something I still want to become better at. Great Post!
I too have a problem with the word meek, but I do agree with what you are saying. I am learning myself as I grow older that, its not necc. for me to voice my opinion on every topic or to champion every cause and that it is wise to consider my opinions over time. In Michelle’s situation, the President is driving the bus, and she is a wise wife to let him.
Article: “…feminists are becoming increasingly fed up with Michelle’s meeker image as First Lady.”
******************************************************************************************************************
Did Michelle Obama ever identify herself as a “feminist?” If not, this is the very type of thing that puts me off and why a lot of feminists can kiss my backside.
And just because another woman (Michelle Obama) is not jumping up, out of control, bumping her lips, and screeching like a banshee at the top of her lungs as they feel she should?
The FLOTUS is busy actually doing things – yep, like “focusing on mentoring, military families and pushing children to get off the couch” in addition to being a wife and mother – so let them yack and foam at the mouth.
When it comes to interpersonal relationships, daily life etc. – there are angry, bitter, confrontational and argumentative females that really do need to learn the valuable lesson about silence/settling themselves, and that everything they say is neither profound or something of importance that needs to be said. Many don’t want to hear loud mouths let alone never-ending fussing, judgmental indictments, complaining, criticisms or anything else (and they’re not really being ‘heard’ anyway so it’s wasted air and spit).
Preach! Preach!
I felt like I was reading a sermon! This article is amazing and speaks what we as sisters deal with day to day: whether at work, in relationships etc. we are always left in the position of defending ourselves with the tounge of a gilette blade or sit in observent silence. Like most of my sisters I am no nonsense and have the ability to “put someone in their place” eloquently and without a hole for rebuttle. However a few years ago I found that this instintual behavior was harming me rather then helping me because I was unable to discern when and when not to address a situation.
Thank you, Thank you and thank you!
Amen with secretaddy
This topic is a double edge sword, yes there is a huge power in the unsaid words for some occasions because the unsaid is just as power as the said. However, I was taught if I had something valid to say then say it. I don’t like the fact that I as a black woman have to “hold my peace” because it makes some people feel uncomfortable, not everybody is going to agree with you or like what you have to say, that is just life, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it. If we remain “meek” and don’t say something then we have a harder time being heard when we need to speak out and up but if we speak our minds non stop then we get the butt load of stereotypes thrown our way, so it is damn if you do and damn if you don’t. Michelle O is in the spotlight and have to be mindful of her image for her husband, so she is under a different set of rules to play by but I but I believe she still speaks her peace but in a cleaver way now. Personally, I know what situations cause for silence but I be damn if I live my life that way of constantly editing myself to appease others
I support the First Lady, both her past image and her present. She has done a great job being a woman of color in the oval office, and before when she campaigned alongside her husband. I hope that she is remaining true to herself, whatever that may be. I do believe that she is good counterpart to her husband; since everything he does is automatically so controversial. If she were off making her own headlines intentionally, I might be wishing “Why couldn’t she be the perfect stereotype of the FLOTUS like other women were? Why can’t she tone it down? Why so political?” I think everything she does is for her and her husband. I guess this is the image they want her to have right now. Whatever makes her happy and gets the job done.
On another note, I think silence is definitely a strength if you can master it. Learning when not to speak or divulge too much is a crucial skill to have, especially today-don’t forget you can say too much online as well as face to face.
I don’t think she has turned into a meek First Lady. I think she has learned how the game is played. The President is a peace maker and the First Lady is a fighter. However, she has learned that everything she says will be highly scrutinized and sometimes twisted. She was on Larry King Live a few weeks ago and he asked her what she thought of Sarah Palin. I know she probably wanted to verbally assault the Caribou Barbie but she simply stated that she did not know her. She has irritated me in the past because she seemed to always come off, in my opinion, as negative and somewhat angry. But then I can empathize with her in regards to some of her past experiences. For instance, while she was attending Princeton, she said many of the white students would look at her as if she did not belong there. I had that experience because I graduated from a mostly white college. On graduation day only two Blacks were in my graduating class….me and another Black male student. I recall experiencing unwelcoming looks from Whites even though I was often told by some of my professors that I was brilliant. I have always been proud of my country but I have not always been proud of the people who have led this country.
It’s really about picking your battles. Michelle Obama is catering to the masses. She is the woman on the side of one of the most powerful men in the world. She has not need to fight battles anymore for she has a whole team now to do that for her. She is a very lucky lady & does not want to push that luck. Her job now is to support her man, children & country & if keeping it quite does that then so be it, I admire her strenth.
Conversations on this issue rarely veer from the same path and it’s a guarantee to hear/read some type of “I should be able to speak my mind!” line.
Like it or hate it but the truth is…the stereotype exists because too many continue to act it out on the daily (being loud, angry, bitter, messy, talking about people, yapping when no one is interested in what they have to say, having this uncontrollable need to tell others off, have the last word, swirl that neck and curse people out etc.)
What’s evident is a lot of chicks appear to want the right to do the things listed above yet not be correctly labeled for what they are…which is not going to happen. If looking for people to find this appealing, attractive or view it in a positive light…give it up because most do/will not!
I’m not saying females should not share their views or even stand up for themselves (quite the contrary) but, as the mother and grandmothers taught, there is a time and place for everything as well as a way to do things. Smile, be genuine, kill the attitude, pick your battles wisely, never play the victim, realize what is caught with honey vs. vinegar, always be a lady, sophisticated, soft-spoken and – most importantly – shut up sometimes andlisten!
One can’t listen or learn if their mouth is always running and they always think they’re right…and I feel these are things the FLOTUS knows and key to why she is so successful and loved.
My grandmother always taught me to LISTEN more than I SPEAK. This has allowed me to become better at understanding body language and well as learning how to become an active listener.
Not every word should be uttered, but if you learn how to phrase those words with love, they can still be said.
Yes, one should be able to speak his/her mind, HOWEVER, think about your audience as well as your intent before doing so. Even the ugliest thing can be said with love; sometimes we have to say harsh things, but still IN LOVE.
Unless you ARE intending to hurt of course…
There’s just as much power in silence. Not to say be a doormat but choose your battles and know what someone else’s voice sounds like. There is beauty in not always running your mouth. Words have power, make sure you use yours wisely.
I will quote the bible, “even a fool he remains quiet appears wise”. This is my struggle. We need to realize our words are leaders and pay attention to what we are leading ourselves into. It is better to be quiet than say something just to be heard.