Single and Normal
A disclaimer, before I start to complain: I have put a lot of my dating adventures and romantic frustrations out for public consumption and dissection via this site and others. So I get that there is a level of additional scrutiny that comes with that and I can handle it just fine. But even my friends who aren’t playing out their love lives as living theatre on the interwebs are constantly getting the same silly-headed comment that is driving me up the proverbial wall these days: “I just can’t understand why you can’t find a man!”
I’m tired of hearing that. Real tired.
I can appreciate the compliment that is typically the undertone of that question: “I think you’re a catch, so why haven’t you gotten caught yet?” What I can’t get with, however, is the suggestion that there is something so devastating about being in your twenties and being single. I know we’ve had all this “Black marriage crisis” discussion as of late and I’ve certainly been all up in that. But I also know that my experiences in dating are rather common for women my age, regardless of race. My lip gloss is popping, my lip gloss is cool and I’m kissing a lot of frogs . . . that’s what usually happens at 25, 26. It’s part of the journey.
The days when you found your man in college and got wed shortly after graduation have come and gone. And while many lucky (or not, depending who’s judging) ladies are finding Mr. Right in English 101 and putting it on paper by age 22, most young people aren’t starting families that soon. The world has changed: people live longer and marry later. It may be a while before I’m sending in a picture of myself and my intended to be published in Jet alongside a title of a classic R&B song (I’m leaning towards “All This Love” or “Always and Forever”). And while I have some occasionally anxiety, I’m fine with that. Really!
Don’t get me wrong: I have had my bouts of No Warm Body In The Bed Syndrome. I think I should be getting laid 5 or 6 times a week and, unless you are cool with having a rotation of lovers, that’s pretty difficult to manage as a single woman. And I don’t really enjoy first date awkwardness. There are definitely days when being single rocks, and others when I’d start trading in prized possessions to have someone to keep my company. But being in a relationship comes with highs and lows too, right? I’m not sure how “single and looking” somehow became equated with “miserable and lonely”, but I promise you that on my end . . . single’s not hardly the worst thing to be.
I’m an active dater, and while I have many (often hilarious) war stories and a good number of complaints about the search for love, it certainly doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying a good life. I was happy when I had a man, I’m happy now and I’ll hopefully be happy with the next one. There shouldn’t be any great worry over young women who have made the decision to be discerning and to keep their hearts until someone’s really worthy of having them. We’re good. This is normal. Thank you for your concern, but we don’t really need it.
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[...] Please check out my latest post at Clutch: Single and Normal-I also have a new post over at Soul Train: I Want To Slow Dance With Somebody.I’m the hardest [...]
I am not pressured by anyone to get married, never have been. I’ve been single for about three years and only had two dates in that whole time. I want to be happy & single, but I find it impossible for me to be happy about being single. I wish I could be. Lots of people are, why not me? I wonder if it’s some compounded by being fat & black and constantly being told by our culture that am not deserving of love?
I hang out with my friends and family, I volunteer. I don’t sit at home stewing, so why does my singleness bother me so much?
Cosign Roxie! I HATE being single. It’s not all fun any happy times. I’m in my thirties and I have been single and celibate for four and a half years.In those four and a half years I have been on about three dates. It’s depressing. I wish people would quit saying being single is great!
To be fair, dolls- I never said being single was great. Life is sometimes great, sometimes not. Some of those times happen to be when we are single, others when we are attached. Darkness comes even when you have love, am I right? I cant tell you the key to happiness (ain’t found it myself), but I can say that being proactive about looking for romance helps out quite a bit during the lower moments of singledom. Being out and pretty and flirty and keeping your eyes wide open might not always help…but it can’t hurt.
I am also not an advocate of celibacy. I support the right to choose it, but I also think sex is too awesome to be reserved for the ‘taken’ folks only. Just some food for thought…
Thank you thank you thank you for this post!! If I hear “why are you single?” one more time!!!! I couldn’t agree with you more, being single doesn’t equate to misearable and lonely. Being a single 25 year old woman is giving me the time to socialize, meet new people, do whatever I want when I want and most importantly giving me the opportunity to discover who I am. Once I’m content with who I am, I’m sure Mr. Right will be there….I won’t be single any longer when the time is right
“My lip gloss is popping, my lip gloss is cool and I’m kissing a lot of frogs…that’s what usually happens at 25, 26. It’s part of the journey. ”
Well said!
That is annoying! Why is a pretty girl like you single? As if being pretty is all it takes. If it is then I don’t want him anyway.
“Being single used to mean nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be–and who you want to spend it with.” ~ Kim Catrall
I absolutely LOVE this article!! I’m in my late 20s and apparently everyone my age is either married or getting married and me, being single, I’ve gotten the “Why hasn’t anyone snatched you up yet?” I get why they ask, but there’s an undertone of “What are you doing wrong to stay single”. This article mirrored my conversations with friends and my inner thoughts to a T so thank you!!!
I agree. Although I’m in a committed relationship, I am in no rush to get married and neither is he. We’re only 20, so we got PLENTY of time. I’ll admit, when I was single, there were times that I longed for someone to cuddle with but for the most part, I was happy. I’m happy now. People need to be happy with themselves whether or not their single. Not having a man isn’t the end of the world. Having one isn’t the beginning of the world.
Love this article. So true on so many points. Not everyone who’s single is miserable. I would rather be single and satisfied then in a relationship and miserable.
There’s so many articles about this issue but I’m always happy to have it brought up again and again. I’ll be 23 in November and have only had one real boyfriend and that was my freshman year of high school. I feel fine being single. I spend a lot of time with my family and friends, work hard, and have hobbies that tend to take a lot of my time. There do come moments where I feel lonely but it’s usually not because I don’t have a man by my side. It just always means I need to do something fulfilling with my life.
If that other half ever comes through that door and is perfect for me and can fill me with so much love, I’ll be happy with that. But right now I’m so happy discovering me and not worrying if there’s something wrong with me. I’m in a really good place right now.
I can appreciate being single but how long is too long without a date? I get these kinds of comments of concern from people because I havent been out on a date in years. I do get frustrated with all of their questions but mainly b/c I dont understand why I cant get a date either.I pretend to disagree with these statements b/c I myself am afraid to look at the reality that I may be single and eventually lonely one day and dont want admit that I may be a part of the disparagingly unmarried Black women statistic….
I’d say ‘too long’ is when you feel like it’s been ‘too long’. I’m sorry you are having a hard time…what sort of steps have you taken to meet some new fellas? We can take this to the email if you’d rather talk off the grid: sister.toldja@thebeautifulstruggler.com.
Thanks for the feedback! I’ll email you
I don’t really enjoy first date awkwardness. There are definitely days when being single rocks and others when I’d start trading in prized possessions to have someone to keep my company.
Every time I run into an ex I get the “Why are you still single?” question. I wanna scream “Because YOU didn’t marry me, idiot!”. But because I’m a nice girl, I just throw out some quip about not having found the chef/poet/mechanic who could handle me yet and ask how their family’s doing. It’s very irritating. I’d consider myself a confident woman, but this question grates away at my self esteem, making me feel like maybe something’s wrong with me.
I can totally relate to that, Steph!
I totally agree, I’m single girl and all my friends seem to be in a intense loving relationship but I don’t seem to want it or need it!
Well said . . .@ jessica! This a great article! Cause if my gma asked me one more time where is my man and when I am gonna have babies, I am gonna SCREAM!!!!! LOL! Im glad to see Im not alone in being single, no kids, and in my twenties ;)
I’m 25 and single and I will admit that sometimes I get envious of my married or happily coupled friends. I guess I’m guilty of romanticising relationships and couple-life. It’s slowly changing however. After attending two weddings this year and seeing the grand step and courage it takes to promise yourself to that one person for the rest of your life before your friends and family, my eagerness is weaning. Also, after my last relationship I’ve realized how little I know about men and sad to say, myself. So I’m working really hard at rewiring my brain and slowing down my thought process to accept who I am now and work with what I’ve got – me! Thanks for unashamedly proclaiming your love for single life; it gives me strength.
I feel the same way! While I am very happy that my friends have found love I do feel envious and I hate that feeling sooo much!! I think it does have to do with romanticising relationships and couple-life because I don’t think I am in any position to get married right now but I think it would be nice to be in a committed relationship where I didn’t have to deal with all the annoyances of meeting new guys and going on lame dates.
“The world has changed: people live longer and marry later.” I absolutely agree. I would much rather have a life before I become someones wife. I take marriage seriously so I’m willing to wait until I KNOW it’s right, not just because society looks at single women as unfortunate, lonely and miserable.
Jahmila..I freakin love this. Reading this makes me feel like I’m talking to one of my girlfriends, most of which are….single *shrugs*. I would quote something from this…but then I’d be quoting the ENTIRE article!!! This echoes the thoughts and feelings of PLENTY of young, single women in their mid to late twenties. I think that these are such awkward stages in our lives, whether dealing with the perils of dating and relationships or success and career and just life in general. There is FAR too much to enjoy in this life than to be focused on one portion of it, when in actuality, it will only come when it will come. Can’t even lie though, it does get hard sometimes. smh
David Mamet-you have seen a movie or play or wanted to that he wrote. Said most writers when writing the opposite sex pander-either it’s all “their” fault or it’s a kiss-ass affair greased by being a “rom-com”.
But this article here is exactly what Mamet said to do; write what makes us unique or different as man or woman.
Funny at 34 with 35 around the corner I agree with the author. Single life is not mardi gras. It has it’s moments but people are still living with yesterday’s stereotypes, fears and exaggerations.
I, like millions of 70′s baby grew up in a divorced-no man or additional family around household(also a social indicator most of us live further from additional family than in the past, which means you don’t see the “good”‘examples of a marriage).
I was a impatient latch key kid. I started to cook out of boredom and turkey burgers isn’t making a pot roast. So as an adult cooking isn’t some scheme to get laid. It’s just plain smart. One of the dumbest reasons men finally got in a relationship was the idea that “bachelors”‘ don’t partake in such girlie domestic affairs.
So at 35 some single dudes cant do the basics his 16 yr old neice can.
Some people still it that way. This is why some women are heavlily scrutinized if she can’t cook: oh so are men gonna eat bad (long term) fast food cause they meet women who “can’t cook”?
Also I feel the author in that, the juggling one does when single-even for this man sucks and swallows.
I wanna make films, not really concerned where a relationship fits into that. Keeping it real I just don’t care if one happens or not. Yet there are days I wished I had woman by my side.
And with the change in the last thirty years I don’t know who in 2010 still assumes by 22 or even 25 you (or women primarily) should be with some one long term or married. Americans will switch jobs several times before 30-educated or not. We live longer and in varied places. People move way more now than at any other time in world history. Last we can and do succeed at a younger age with far more prosperity than ever before.
Do you really think your or my parents would have gotten hitched (and had us) if they could alone buy-whatever, move wherever? I had friends at 24 yrs old making more than people with the same company who’d been there since the installing of the pneumatic tubes.
Marriage at one point was all a young couple really had. But that’s not the case now. Marriage/long term relationships have to be taken out of their nostalgic (becuase it wasn’t that good even then) past and refreshed for the 21st century.