Single and Normal
A disclaimer, before I start to complain: I have put a lot of my dating adventures and romantic frustrations out for public consumption and dissection via this site and others. So I get that there is a level of additional scrutiny that comes with that and I can handle it just fine. But even my friends who aren’t playing out their love lives as living theatre on the interwebs are constantly getting the same silly-headed comment that is driving me up the proverbial wall these days: “I just can’t understand why you can’t find a man!”
I’m tired of hearing that. Real tired.
I can appreciate the compliment that is typically the undertone of that question: “I think you’re a catch, so why haven’t you gotten caught yet?” What I can’t get with, however, is the suggestion that there is something so devastating about being in your twenties and being single. I know we’ve had all this “Black marriage crisis” discussion as of late and I’ve certainly been all up in that. But I also know that my experiences in dating are rather common for women my age, regardless of race. My lip gloss is popping, my lip gloss is cool and I’m kissing a lot of frogs . . . that’s what usually happens at 25, 26. It’s part of the journey.
The days when you found your man in college and got wed shortly after graduation have come and gone. And while many lucky (or not, depending who’s judging) ladies are finding Mr. Right in English 101 and putting it on paper by age 22, most young people aren’t starting families that soon. The world has changed: people live longer and marry later. It may be a while before I’m sending in a picture of myself and my intended to be published in Jet alongside a title of a classic R&B song (I’m leaning towards “All This Love” or “Always and Forever”). And while I have some occasionally anxiety, I’m fine with that. Really!
Don’t get me wrong: I have had my bouts of No Warm Body In The Bed Syndrome. I think I should be getting laid 5 or 6 times a week and, unless you are cool with having a rotation of lovers, that’s pretty difficult to manage as a single woman. And I don’t really enjoy first date awkwardness. There are definitely days when being single rocks, and others when I’d start trading in prized possessions to have someone to keep my company. But being in a relationship comes with highs and lows too, right? I’m not sure how “single and looking” somehow became equated with “miserable and lonely”, but I promise you that on my end . . . single’s not hardly the worst thing to be.
I’m an active dater, and while I have many (often hilarious) war stories and a good number of complaints about the search for love, it certainly doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying a good life. I was happy when I had a man, I’m happy now and I’ll hopefully be happy with the next one. There shouldn’t be any great worry over young women who have made the decision to be discerning and to keep their hearts until someone’s really worthy of having them. We’re good. This is normal. Thank you for your concern, but we don’t really need it.
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“The days when you found your man in college and got wed shortly after graduation have come and gone”
So true this fall im going to be a senior in college. Still single but happy and normal, after spending most of my years trying to find that college sweet to marry after college. Its an honor to write that im fine and happy with being single and yes..oh yes I do crave to have someone to hold at night especially when I can hear my door next neighbor doing more than just holding each other :) :) :)…..lol. I discovered during a conversation a few nights back with some of girls being in a committed relationship is a lot more work than being in a relationship and right now im not ready for a committed relationship and the responsible that comes with the package so for that reason and many other reason. Single and normal and sane will be just fine for me.
“There shouldn’t be any great worry over young women who has made the decision to be discerning and to keep her heart until someone’s really worthy of having it. We’re good. This is normal. Thank you for your concern, but we don’t really need it.”
If I could put this on a shirt and wear it to every family function I would. On one hand I appreciate that folks are trying to look out for me. On the other hand it’s hard for me to fight the urge to question, in my best Jay-Z voice, Can I Live? It’s hard to process why folks who blame their failed relationships on youth are so thirsty for a young woman to find a man, get married, etc.
I feel like it’s my journey and I should be able to enjoy it. Thanks for this post. Oh and thanks for noting that being a single twenty-something isn’t race specific.
Being single rocks! I just told someone that last night–relationships the wrong ones can cause so much pain stress and drama. The next one I get into should be easy like melted butter and if it does clot, we should be able to smooth one another out fairly quickly…..and I’ve left my twenties a few years ago …..
“Easy like melted butter” OMG
THATS THE MOTIVE RIGHT THERE!
People are so weird! And a growing percentage of the older folks in my family divorcing/splitting from their first husbands/wives and rounding the corner to seconds… YEH- im all about the easy route around the starter husband!
No Warm Body in the Bed Syndrome is Quite Wearisome but ill take that over Why Did I Get Married Syndrome!
I totally agree on the easy like melted butter thing. I can’t take anymore drama.
“What I can’t get with, however, is the suggestion that there is something so devastating about being in your twenties and being single.”
I dont get it either. You learn a lot about yourself. I got out of a was in a 4 year relationship, that I’m still not completely over yet & I know that I’m not ready for a relationship. Some women just cant be single for 2 days and they rush trying find someone. Not even giving themselves a chance to heal and fully prepare.
AMEN!!! Just fine for me too.
“The days when you found your man in college and got wed shortly after graduation have come and gone.”
Loool its good to know that i’m not alone on this… family members have been asking about my boyfriend (potential husband) since I finished uni with a first class honour I was asked if library and books was all I knew and that I should balance it… but the thing is I have decided to be single until I finish my masters cos I think boys are trouble & at this point in my life I don’t want the stress…
however i did feel a bit pressured before but my aunt told me to just wait the right one will eventually come along :D
I love, love, love this article! I wish this was posted on on thefreshxpress.com as well…alot of women could benefit from your words! :-)
I really don’t think you need the age qualifier on here, as a society, we need to accept that it is ok to be single at any age. And I vote NO to the drama of a relationship right now, not worth my time, body, effort or sanity at this point.
I think that this all went wrong when gender roles were switched. I see women getting married every weekend and I see women in healthy relationships. Until I took a year off of dating, I didn’t realize that I had it ALL wrong. We think we know, but we have no idea until you can step back and analyze yourself and see those around you. When I do get back out there, it will be different.
I don’t like first date blues either, so I don’t plan on doing that again. My first date will consist of me and my friends and him and his friends. This allows a more comfortable setting with no pressure and allows people to see the real you quicker than normal. I plan to approach relationships like old school courting, because personally dating does not work.
It sets you up to attach your heart to someone and break up. Thus why it is sooo easy for people to divorce.
I am looking forward to 2011 and doing things differently. A good series to listen to is called 4 men loosed by David G Evans. Changed my whole view on the opposite sex.
I like your idea of old school dating. I do agree the one on one dating does nothing but create trouble for later. I definitely will strive for friendship first, lots of common ground then taking it from there. Meeting and trying to make it a match is too risky!
Amen to that! Society now a days are too concern with other peoples business, mistaking it for their own. 9 times out of 10 they are the ones miserable, and desire to be single again.
I have had several married friends tell me to stay single as long as possible and that they wished they waited…Marriage aint for the weak, and I aint in nobodies position to find out. SINGLE, AND LOVING EVERY MOMENT OF IT! This article describes my feelings too the “T”!
Awesome article. Even though I love first dates lol it’s the getting to know a person that sends me headed for the hills (screaming).
Great article! My brother and I (we’re 16 months apart in age) were just talking about how people are not honest about the challenges of married life. It’s like everyone wants you in their miserable married company. Not to say that all marriages are miserable, but there’s a reason it’s called “wedlock.” There isn’t much flexibility because you are dealing with a whole other being, and their wants, desires, needs, issues, opinions, beliefs, etc. So being single is great because you have to opportunity to affirm who you are and securely develop your own wants, desires, needs, issues, opinions, beliefs, etc., without having to worry about another person’s. While I am not yet married, my brother, who is, tells me to think more than twice before doing so because it’s hard work, even with someone you are in sync with. It’s the merging of two lives and anyone who’s been in a real relationship knows how challenging that is and how many relationships fail as a result of not knowing how to merge the two.
I can completely relate to this post because it happens to me, time and again, and every family event. I get the finger pointed and someone saying “you’re next” for the marriage-and-baby scenario, as if it’s a game. And while I”m in a relationship now, I’m still enjoying the freedom of not having to split bills, and be with him everyday. I’m still enjoying the trips, girls’ nights out and all the perks of being a single/unmarried young woman living up her 20′s. By my age, my mother had me and two of my brothers, so I heed her advice everyday to take advantage of the fact that I have no “strings” yet. Because once you get those strings, there’s no turning back!
“All the single ladies, now throw your hands up!”
AMEN sister~! AMEN
AMEN! I hate that people think you are abnormal because you are single and happy and content with the status for the time being in your 20s. People treat and view you like something must be wrong with you because you are single or that you are damage goods. Right now, I like being single and it works for me and trust me I’ am as normal as you can get. I think people are so used to getting into relationships back to back and treating being single as an illness that we missed the mark of how normal it is to date in your 20s and explore the range of potential mates. Some people can find their mates quickly for others it takes awhile, we need to get off this set time period of dating, getting married, etc. I agree with many of the comments above and the 3rd paragraph that times have change, gender roles has switched, and the fact that we are trying to apply so called “traditional” roles in a time and context where it doesn’t necessary fit in our society instead of the VALUES. The past is the past for a reason
I agree. The age thing is irrelevant. It’s OK to be single at ANY age. Being “caught” isn’t a race or a matter of age.
Well-stated points in the article.
Being a 40-something single, I am for the most part happy and content. Although I do desire to be in a loving, monogamous relationship with a man, dating has its benefits. I am able to get to know different types of men, and, hopefully, come closer to my life partner and soul mate. Ultimately, one should strive to be with a partner who brings out the best in her, and be someone from whom she can learn.
Great article! As a single, black, beautiful female focusing on her relationship with God and her career, I’ve had my share of bad relationships! I am waiting on God, and I”m not budging!!! Cause when I do it my way, I always find myself crawling right back to God. Besides, the most miserable people I know are the ones in relationships.
I hear it all the time. Just wait until you get into your thirties! You know what? I have dreams and I wnat to travel. yes, i can do this with a womderful man but um…don’t have one. I won’t sat that I have given up but I’am very relaxed aboutt he situation. I’m mot sure if they will change as I accomplish more but I’m sure it will. I say enjoy yoour 20″s …I did and so did all of my friends. People who were married after college seem unhappy or they are already divorced. I say I’ll wait on the right time.I had a professor ask me,”who’s time are you on?” he pulled me aside to tell me there is time for everyhting.Don’t rush! I tell you the same thing….
Oh Yes! You took the words right out of my mouth! Thank you for writing this. At 24 I am in no rush to marry. I need to make sure he is IT before making that commitment. Even when dating, there is no rush to put titles on relationships. I need to get to really know them before we become one.
It’s more than a bit scary to hear that women in their early 20s are being nagged about finding a man and getting married! Is that really normal in this day and age? I’m married, and while I did meet my husband in college, I made him wait six years — and until I finished law school — before we could get married.
I really don’t believe in getting married young. We learn so much about ourselves in our 20s and we change a lot. I think it’s better to go through that first and then find someone compatible, rather than realize who once was compatible no longer is…