That Girl / She Is Me
I couldn’t stop staring at this girl. Swaying side to side, her voice was way too elevated and her friends had an embarrassed look on their faces. 2 a.m. on the subway platform and she was drunk. Not tipsy—but drunk. Just gone.
I made sure to get on a different subway car than Drunk Girl and her friends, but I was still thinking about her.
How do you get that sloppy? What the hell were you drinking that your friends have to prop you up a la “Weekend at Bernie’s?” Have a little self respect. Get it together girl. You need Jesus. You need better friends who won’t let you get that twisted. These were all the things I was thinking and would have said to someone else if I wasn’t alone.
I turned the page of my book and caught myself. Was I so disturbed by this girl because I was That Girl? Tonight I had my nose buried in the words of Junot Diaz but many moons ago, I was in her tipsy shoes.
I was alone on the subway. Puking. In my purse. The motion of the train was too intense for a stomach that had consumed four cranberry vodkas and no dinner.
It’s way too easy to look at another sister friend in judgment of the same thing we’ve done, are currently doing, or possibly will do in the future.
In the current state of Black girls behaving questionably (i.e. Montana Fishburne, Fantasia, Alicia Keys, etc), we all just need to lay off of one another. We’re so quick to label and blast each other based on actions.
She’s a whore for wearing a revealing outfit. But maybe you’ve worn the same skirt, just an inch longer. She’s a trifflin’ home wrecker for dating a married man. But maybe you’ve gotten too close and flirtatious with a man who wasn’t yours. She has no self respect for letting a man dog her out. But maybe you’ve bent over backwards for a man who wasn’t even concerned.
We’ve all been in her shoes. Maybe they were a different color or style but they’re the same.
Men simply don’t do this. As the fairer sex, we’re pretty unfair to one another. Guys’ “every man (and his actions) for himself” attitude renders them free of the harsh judgement we force on other women. If Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, or Mike screws up, then it’s Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, or Mike’s problem—the others don’t feel the need to give a serious side eye to him. But as women, we tend to look at other females as extensions of ourselves, or our representatives.
We have to distance ourselves from That Girl so she’s not mistaken for us. We see this all the time. We make a conscious effort not to be near the scantily clad, provocatively dancing woman at a club because God forbid someone thinks we’re with her or like her. There’s no way we want to even share the same physical space.
This is harmful to ourselves and the “other” girl.
When we judge her, we deny our past experiences. Those pretty new shoes that we’re standing comfortably in now weren’t always that way. They were once raggedy, fragile, and a size too small. However, we quickly forget that fact as we’re shaking our heads at each other.
And instead of looking at That Girl as a person, we limit her to her behavior. She’s no longer a sister, a friend, a cousin—she is her mistakes. If I wouldn’t have been on such a high horse, I could have seen Drunk Girl as more than her blood alcohol level. I could have seen her as a woman who, for whatever reason, had a bad night. And I could have seen myself as someone who was just like her not too long ago. But I did neither. I sat and judged—which wasn’t beneficial to either of us. I reduced this woman to her present mistakes, and conveniently forgot my past ones.
So what’s the solution? The old adage that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover is trite and easier said than done. But let’s just lay off That Girl, whoever she is. We don’t have to condone her behavior, but we do need to acknowledge that we’re That Girl (and/or could be her in the future), as none of us always follows the direction of our moral compass.
37 Comments – Add Yours
Latest Articles
Most Popular This Week
Recent Comments
-
Cara on
29 More Reasons to Be Black and Proud
Black people were doing the damn thing since slavery and that is why white people are so afraid of us. I have so many people in my family...
-
Netta on
Random Ridiculousness: Antoine Dodson’s “Lovesick Lullaby”
I like the song...& his micros...lol
-
Cara on
29 More Reasons to Be Black and Proud
If blacks would learn more of what they contributed to this country and society, they could walk with a stiff spine and a swagger in their...
-
Keep it Real on
Interracial Dating: Black Women Finding Love Outside America
Black women has embracing the Feminist mantra of "The man is wanted but not NEEDED in the home" advanced black women and the black...
i agree with some parts of this article and disagree with others. i do think that people can have a propensity to be too judgemental, and that we all may one day find ourselves in the situation that we’re judging. yet, i think if someone is engaging in behavior that is inherently hurtful to someone else, it’s unrealistic for them to expect for no one to judge them. i disagree with the notion that men are less judgemental then women. i’ve met men who were overcritical, sanctimonious, and judgemental and some women who didn’t give a damn what anyone did as long as it wasn’t hurting them or anyone they loved. it’s inappropriate to make generalizations like that.
I AM That Girl! lol
I agree with some of this article. People need to be more open about their mistakes, but that doesn’t mean they should be proud of them. Sometimes being ‘that girl’ means you had a really good night. Sometimes being ‘that girl’ means you need serious help. Unless you’re going to help her get home or you know her personally, who cares what ‘that girl’ does? All you know is you don’t want to see your daughter/niece/lil sis/bff lookin’ like that.
I can’t help that drunk chick with her friends, but I can tell MY friend when she’s had enough. All I can do is look out for my people.
Never judge a book by it’s cover. At least read the intro or the back cover. We’ve all done things or kinda wished we had done things that we judge others for doing. The problem sometimes is when that the cover really does tell it all, but you’ll know after the first chapter & can move on to something better. Some of the best friends I ever had may not be perfect in anyway but I’m glad i didn’t judge them to quickly or else I would have missed out on so many of the blessing God bestowed upon me because we were friends. When you can see that beauty even in the drunk girl on the subway as well as the rose in concrete then you are truly the best you can be.
lmao……ummmm that girl she is not me!
“I sat and judged—which wasn’t beneficial to either of us. I reduced this woman to her present mistakes, and conveniently forgot my past ones.”
I like this. Great post.
Just reading some of these comments, I’m reminded just how much this article (and more like it) is so very necessary. The tone of some of these women here is so hateful and cold. You can almost feel the negative energy rolling off their words. To be sure, these women represent the ones who offer rolling eyes to an engaging smile in their direction from another sista in the street, or the reluctant return of hello from the sis on the elevator at work — or not at all. Angry with her. And yet she’s a complete and total stranger. Yet a sista who is trying… who may be hurting as much on the inside as the next, but TRYING to get past it, making a small effort through gesture to reach out through a smile or hello. When are we going to STOP being each other’s arrest-judge-jury-execution, all in one fell swoop? Stop dismissing each other as on sight, as “less than (or more than) me”. “Why can’t we JUST.LOVE.EACH.OTHER.(?) It’s called divide and conquer. When will we ever see that we are far stronger when we stop hating ourselves (because that’s where it starts — inside of you) and each other and see ourselves as connected? WE ARE. So very connected. That “Drunk Girl” IS your mother/sister/bff, YOU, even. If for no more than the fact that you’re tired of being unjustly grouped in with “Black women are the #1 ” , or ” New Research Shows That 50% of Black Girls Will NEVER . Truth is, you don’t know what hard knock is waiting just around YOUR corner to blindside you, knock you right off that pretty little pedestal. Straight to YOUR knees. Life is FUNNY teacher. I suggest we all work on keeping that karma good and clean. You never know if that sis in your building (yes, the one you rolled your eyes at every chance you could) may be the door you need to knock on for assistance one day. Her’s might be the hand of help extended in your direction when you find yourself on your back. Just when you really need one. Would you do it for her? I say we get over ourselves. Get over whatever it is in ourselves that makes us so mad, sad. Mine got way too heavy, so I CHOSE to let it go. You know it really is a choice.
That girl will never be me
I have a close female friend of mine–smart, funny, sweetest/best person I know–who gets WASTED. When we’re out I limited my intact just so I can monitor her ass and make sure she alright. There have been some incidents with dudes trying to take advantage.
Word.
I’ve been that girl…would I apologize for it? Never. You live, you learn, you progress. I agree that women are too harsh on each other.
As I’ve aged I’ve learned to dig deeper when looking at someone.
Thank God for all I’ve learned in my 24 years here. Most ppl will look and not say something. If it’s that bad, say something. I’ve done it several times. See a young girl acting a mess, and I find a way to enter myself in her world and drop some knowledge on that ass.
You neva know, some people don’t have mentors. Some women don’t have mothers to teach them how to be decent women. Play your part instead of discrediting the art, because we are all works of art. Words that are simple to you may be the most meaningful advice someone has heard in a long time.
Loved this article. I think it’s on point, and I’m sharing it on my facebook! lol Women need to get a grip.
@ Ansley…a smart person never says never, because you truly never know.