That Girl / She Is Me
I couldn’t stop staring at this girl. Swaying side to side, her voice was way too elevated and her friends had an embarrassed look on their faces. 2 a.m. on the subway platform and she was drunk. Not tipsy—but drunk. Just gone.
I made sure to get on a different subway car than Drunk Girl and her friends, but I was still thinking about her.
How do you get that sloppy? What the hell were you drinking that your friends have to prop you up a la “Weekend at Bernie’s?” Have a little self respect. Get it together girl. You need Jesus. You need better friends who won’t let you get that twisted. These were all the things I was thinking and would have said to someone else if I wasn’t alone.
I turned the page of my book and caught myself. Was I so disturbed by this girl because I was That Girl? Tonight I had my nose buried in the words of Junot Diaz but many moons ago, I was in her tipsy shoes.
I was alone on the subway. Puking. In my purse. The motion of the train was too intense for a stomach that had consumed four cranberry vodkas and no dinner.
It’s way too easy to look at another sister friend in judgment of the same thing we’ve done, are currently doing, or possibly will do in the future.
In the current state of Black girls behaving questionably (i.e. Montana Fishburne, Fantasia, Alicia Keys, etc), we all just need to lay off of one another. We’re so quick to label and blast each other based on actions.
She’s a whore for wearing a revealing outfit. But maybe you’ve worn the same skirt, just an inch longer. She’s a trifflin’ home wrecker for dating a married man. But maybe you’ve gotten too close and flirtatious with a man who wasn’t yours. She has no self respect for letting a man dog her out. But maybe you’ve bent over backwards for a man who wasn’t even concerned.
We’ve all been in her shoes. Maybe they were a different color or style but they’re the same.
Men simply don’t do this. As the fairer sex, we’re pretty unfair to one another. Guys’ “every man (and his actions) for himself” attitude renders them free of the harsh judgement we force on other women. If Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, or Mike screws up, then it’s Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, or Mike’s problem—the others don’t feel the need to give a serious side eye to him. But as women, we tend to look at other females as extensions of ourselves, or our representatives.
We have to distance ourselves from That Girl so she’s not mistaken for us. We see this all the time. We make a conscious effort not to be near the scantily clad, provocatively dancing woman at a club because God forbid someone thinks we’re with her or like her. There’s no way we want to even share the same physical space.
This is harmful to ourselves and the “other” girl.
When we judge her, we deny our past experiences. Those pretty new shoes that we’re standing comfortably in now weren’t always that way. They were once raggedy, fragile, and a size too small. However, we quickly forget that fact as we’re shaking our heads at each other.
And instead of looking at That Girl as a person, we limit her to her behavior. She’s no longer a sister, a friend, a cousin—she is her mistakes. If I wouldn’t have been on such a high horse, I could have seen Drunk Girl as more than her blood alcohol level. I could have seen her as a woman who, for whatever reason, had a bad night. And I could have seen myself as someone who was just like her not too long ago. But I did neither. I sat and judged—which wasn’t beneficial to either of us. I reduced this woman to her present mistakes, and conveniently forgot my past ones.
So what’s the solution? The old adage that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover is trite and easier said than done. But let’s just lay off That Girl, whoever she is. We don’t have to condone her behavior, but we do need to acknowledge that we’re That Girl (and/or could be her in the future), as none of us always follows the direction of our moral compass.
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Hmmm, I understand the message but this comes off too, excusing other people’s behavior just because you or someone else, had done so or was close to doing so in the past. That doesn’t mean it’s right.
I don’t care if someone gets drunk or some woman shows her goods at the club, it doesn’t have any barring on me, and lord knows I’ve done that on any occasions! However, I can’t excuse a man or a woman knowingly sleeping with someone who’s married or in a relationship, and I’ve been in that situation before!
In our culture, we try so hard not to judge people, that we have no idea or real guidelines of moral compass of which future generations can follow. We try so hard not to be perceived as judgmental, that we’re will to let people lose their way and dig themselves in a deeper grave just because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. Sorry if I rambled on a bit there!
I wish I could ” like ” your comment. : )
@Mina A lack of judgment does not equal accommodating the degradation of morals. Morals are not and SHOULD NOT BE determined and upheld due to hate, judgment, or any other negative pressure by society (Puritans tried it…didn’t work). So often in society, we contribute our present problems to the strides we’ve made rather than the strives we have yet to make. Being nonjudgmental is a GOOD thing. As the article says, acknowledging that we’re all human and will (and have) made mistakes does not mean that we think the mistake is okay. We’re not “let[ting] people lose their way” by saying “I don’t approve of what you’re doing, but I know that you’re more than your mistakes”, we’re giving them the freedom to find their way back from a place they should never have been, a place we’re all familiar with in one way or another. No one ever prospers or grows from hearing “you’re a whore/idiot/screw up/deviant and I’m better than you” and I don’t think our morals as a society would improve with such an approach.
@ alley-totally agree and i love your insightful commentary.
looove this!!!
How do you compare getting drunk or wearing a skimpy dress to doing porn or screwing someones husband?
I understand the point you are making, but surely you recognize the differences in these actions.
Agreed. That Girl, connected to Fantasia and Alicia is off point. Matter of fact, let’s stop examining them altogether every time we talk about something bad.
Is Alicia and Fantasia like the new slang for…..
“That “Alicia” makes me sick, with her drunk behind!” —- Ummm no.
I took that link to Alicia and Fantasia as an attempt by the author to move the drunk girl (and our judgments of her) into a deeper place, like saying that judging eachother is a habit and can take place at any stage of life and any situation up to and including sex scandals.
I had to keep reading when you said “A la weekend at Bernie’s” LOL but I agree 100% we’ve all had “our moments” it’s so easy judge but we just have to take a step back and understand that what you see may NOT be her life, it’s just what it is a moment. But for real, I can’t get drunk and my friends are sober or more sober…oh! wait, yes I have, See! lol
“Men simply don’t do this.” Since when? I see your point of the article and a great point at that, but this generalization cheapens the focus.
I definitely agree. Although I do think men could do a little better at holding other guys, not strangers but those they know, accountable for shady actions.
I disagree with the notion that men are not as critical of each other as women are. I think ewe are just as critical its what we find questionable and how we react to it is what is different. Usually it will be centered around what we see as masculine and what we don’t see as such. We then react by closing ranks and isolating the offensive party. Not catty with it but definitely a pack mentality.
So are you saying to stand back and allow someone to jump off the bridge, since I may have almost jumped off the bridge?
Does this make sense? It is human nature to want to help guide others, especially when you have been there and done that.
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[...] That Girl / She Is Me (clutchmagonline.com) [...]
wow this author sure is reaching, anyone who is young and has had fun once isnt gonna give a woman of legal age side eye for being drunk. I have been that drunk, but I don’t plan on doing porn or stealing someones husband.
You know sometimes these writers over think things. They project their issues on the entire black community. Guess what young people of all races get drunk and become that drunk girl jeez
I agree with this article 100%. Maybe because I’m slightly feminist… Strong word, so I’ll just say I’m a ”girl’s girl”. I wholeheartedly feel that as women, we have to stick together, overlook judgement, and have each others backs because lets face it… we are the constantly critiqued underdogs of society. We hold celebrities on a pedestal, so that when their actions are deemed as immoral we’re quick to look the other way. Alicia Keys, Fantasia, Montana Fishburne (who, btw, I just learned of last week on Mediatakeout) are sistas that are direct reflections of us, a relative, or a friend. Why judge? Oh & that drunk girl waiting for the uptown 6 train?
”Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Thanks for the lovely article.
I love this article even thought I don’t love the other ignorant comments though I am glad there were some “intellectual” people that commented wisely. Some of the negative comments clearly gave examples of the subject of the article.
Excellent article!!! Instead of judging and beating each other day, we need to cast all judgement aside and help each other move in the right direction because we have all been “that girl” at one time or another.
@Alley I think you should reread what I have to say. Maybe I could have phrased it better, but I’m not arguing for name-calling, that’s never the answer. My disagreement with the article is that it goes from looking down or sneering at a woman who is drunk or is dressed provocatively (which I could care less about), to “I understand where your coming from if you cheat with a married man”.
While yes everyone does make mistakes and I have been the “home wrecker” on one occasion, that doesn’t mean it’s right and I don’t care for the lax attitude people seem to have when it considers other people literally destroying themselves and said individuals loved ones doing nothing about because if they said anything the individuals will be upset and throw out the “don’t judge me” drivel.
The article would have been much more powerful to me if the affair part was just left out all together. And what’s this with the Puritans? No one’s saying make a woman wear a letter on her blouse. You can condemn something such as an affair, or repeated drunkenness (since getting drunk is mentioned in the article) free of hatred.
Lets not be too analytical with this, we know that some actions or more drastic than others. Certainly sleeping with someones husband and wearing a short dress are different. Yet she is speaking from a human place. Don’t think that you are above it. We are all subject to failure no matter how big or small. Don’t immediately dismiss a person. Sometimes we can all be misguided. Look on to a younger sister and offer construction instead of obstruction. None of us are perfect, do not turn up your nose. The only person who knows all of you is God. Those carnal desires that you keep from your friends, family, or spouse. Not all of you, but some of you may have looked at someone elses man and said what-if…you just didn’t act on it, and of course you did not tell your friends, family or co-workers. This article is a reflection of the true self that lies within. You never know what mountains you will soon face, judge not less ye be judged the same.
Camille, I 100% agree girl. It makes me cringe the way sistahs constantly beat up and hate on each other. It’s sad, ugly, and needs to STOP. Black female unity must be a priority in this new century. It’s long overdue.
“We’ve all been in her shoes. Maybe they were a different color or style but they’re the same.” Amen sister, amen!
It gets a little tiresome to hear sisters tear each other down, and not all the time based on behavior but on looks too. How many times have you flipped through a magazine or been on the internet and the commentary went like this “She is soo ugly or fat.” Or “she needs to take that lacefront out?”
I think in the age of the internet, the ability to post annoymous comments or even not so annoymous comments has increased female vs female cattiness. It’s so easy to tear someone down when you are not face to face with said person.
100% co-sign Sparkle.
No matter how you slice “That Girl” this is NOT your lesson to learn. YOU ARE ONLY A SPECTATOR TO SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE LESSON. They are bound to learn the hard way, so let them be. That’s not condoning, it’s simply NOT meddling in other people’s business and affairs.
Someone (Monique) once said that we are all one bad decision away from being in the same shoes as a woman that is serving time in prison. And this article is in line with that thinking.
The moment we resort to judging and gossiping we are sending the signal that we believe we are innocent of any wrong doing (not at the moment and that particular situation but PERIOD). That train of thought is not healthy, and the author is absolutely right! If you can’t help someone why bother them, or let them be your topic of discussion.
So when does this line get drawn? When does behavior get criticized? Sorry, but if a woman sleeps with my husband I’m not gonna think back to that times I went bra-less in my early 20′s or the many nights I woke up hung over. There are lines that of crossed DESERVE harsh ridicule. Trying to be too liberal is just as bad as being judgemental. Sometimes you need to check that young sister and sometimes you need to leave her be. A young sister doing porn needs to be checked. The girl vomiting in her purse could probably use a tic tac and a taxi. Either way, you don’t just sit back and watch people mess up.