While African-Americans are definitely the most influential people on the planet, I can’t exactly say everything we’ve brought to the table has been a good thing. We can’t claim Obama and Oprah without claiming OJ Simpson and OJ da Juiceman as well. This is particularly true when it comes to the Internet, where for every ClutchMag, Okayplayer, and VerySmartBrothas, there are a couple Mediatakeout’s lurking around the block in a dirty mini-van, hoping to lure small children and stupid adults.

Just last weekend, apparently unaware of the “N*gga, you ain’t Avon Barksdale, so stop acting like it” fine print at the bottom of every NBA contract, Denver Nugget Carmelo Anthony shut down his Twitter account after catching heat for putting a hit on something called a “Kat Stacks.” Anthony later stated that his account had been hacked, and the police have confirmed this, naming “That Imaginary Negro Who Broke Into Toure’s Twitter Account in March” as the prime suspect.

Anyway—as an ode to Dave Chappelle’s transcendentally hilarious send up of Rick James, here’s 5 Reasons Why They Never Should Have Given You “Black People” Internet Access.

1. The Emergence of The Black Blog Tea-Party
At this very moment, there is a person somewhere out there spending a few hours crafting, researching, and editing a blog entry or article that will be published in the near future. This person might even be you. As is the case with most websites and blogs, this entry will be open to comments. And, the vast majority of the comments (“pro” or “con”) will be insightful, articulate, and will match the tone of the entry.

Then, out of nowhere, the Black Blog Tea-Baggers will appear.

It’s easy to spot them. Sometimes they’ll leave comments that’ll make you ask “Wait, are they in the right place? Did they even bother actually reading?”. Sometimes their preconceived agendas and narratives are so apparent that their comment looks like it was cut and pasted directly from a pamphlet. Sometimes their remedial reading comprehension and utter lack of any semblance of nuance and humor will make you wonder if they’re the inspiration for the No Child Left Behind Act. And, sometimes they’ll take their act to Twitter, where they have daily contests to see who can post the most irrationally hysterical 140 character perversion of a well thought out 1000 word piece.

Either way, the Black Blog Glenn Becks’ ability to misread facts and stay in a perpetual state of uber-sensitive faux-outrage never ceases to amaze (and scare) me. To their credit, they are predictable and consistent. For instance, I have no doubt that a few Black Blog Tea Baggers will look at the title of this article, sulk, immediately Tweet the link while spinning it into “Damn. So black men are telling black women they can’t get on the internet nowSistas stay losing!!!”—and then finish their shifts at Whole Foods.

2. N*ggas on Facebook
While anyone could have predicted that Myspace would eventually be overrun by them, the swarm of n*ggas on Facebook has surprised everyone, proving once and for all that, like Angelina Jolie in Salt, they will eventually hunt you down and find you.

I won’t lie. At least 30 of my friends qualify, and at least a dozen of these 30 are related to me.

I keep them around because you can’t minimize the mid-day comic relief of checking your friend’s status messages and seeing mundane updates like “John Saunders is about to go on a job interview. Wish me luck,” and “Kim Williams just landed in Vegas, baby!!!” sandwiched between “Rick allidoiswin Johnson why cant none of my babi mommaas act rght?” and “Precious thebaddestbitch Buddenswifey its crackin this weekend. hatas and broke ass altima n*ggas need not apply.”

3. The Birth of The Superstar Professional Urban Model . . .
When speaking of nostalgia, most people wax poetic about stuff like 60s soul music, muscle cars, 80s NBA basketball, drive-in theaters, segregation, and the days when Dr. Dre and Jermaine Dupree were still alive.

Me? I long for the days when calling yourself “a professional model” meant high fashion, higher cheekbones, cigarettes, and anorexia—not scoring a ShowMag cover spread on the strength of a Twitter photo album of self-shot booty pics taken in a Sbarro’s bathroom during Black Bike Week.

4. . . . and The E-thug
Because the Internet is a place where people are able to anonymously espouse controversial opinions about everything from hair care to horticulture, it can be a virtual petri dish for heated arguments, hurt feelings, and venereal disease.

A silly bi-product of this phenomenon is the keyboard thug/modem murderer, a person who not only threatens to inflict bodily harm when upset, but is stupid enough to think that their “B*tch n*gga! I better not ever see your ass on the streets!!!! You gettin straight clapped, son!!!” threats will actually scare anyone on the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra message board.

5. Conspiracy Theory Circulation
As the “Is he in the Illuminati?” reaction to Kanye’s “Power” video continues to prove, the only thing Black people love more than conspiracy theories and unproven half-truths is Red Lobster. It’s not entirely our fault, though. I mean, when you’re aware of completely true conspiracies such as The Tuskegee Experiment and COINTELPRO, you can’t help having a healthy dose of American skepticism embedded in your DNA.

Still, that “healthy dose of American skepticism” doesn’t stop me from wishing slow and painful deaths on the people who flood my inbox daily with YouTube “proof” that Obama is a shape-shifting, Rothschild descendantand 10,000 word diatribes about how it was actually Karl Rove’s nephew who shot Tupac.

  • http://www.newhairnet.com Angela Walker

    This article is too funny. Here I am leisurly browsing my favorite websites and decide to read this article that has some long as title. I could not stop laughing out loud. I even woke up my boyfriend who was sleeping in the other room. Thank you Damon Young. I needed this :)

  • Alexandra

    LOL! # 2 cracked me up. When I used to be on myspace there’s always someones “….wifey”on there, or some type of “(insert city) baddest bitch”. Nowadays it’s “…barbie”. And the part about the model pics is hilarious.

    Funny article :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alexis-Dixon/1088981448 Alexis Dixon

    i LOVED this! ahaha.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stacy-Australia/45504695 Stacy Australia

    This was hilarious (yet true) the first time I read it and still cracks me up now!!!

  • http://bblaze-bblazin.blogspot.com court

    too funny and so true. facebook has gone swiftly downhill.

  • Ali

    I don’t understand why Facebook allows people to change their name to all that mess. It is such as eyesore.

    Every time Black people get ahold of popular things they turn it to shit.

  • http://theurbansocialite.blogspot.com Amber

    “hatas and broke ass altima n*ggas need not apply.”

    I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe right now!

  • Torrie

    This was hilarious! The Facebook nonsense has gotten on my last nerves, I’m tired of these professional “booty” models and the conspiracy theories are so friggin dumb.

  • http://thatswhatgemsaid.blogspot.com Gem

    LOL, oh D. Young, you have an uncanny way of pointing out the hilarious yet true WTF elements of pop&urban culture. Great article!

    I think #2-5 can be summed up as just saying “N*ggas on FB and Twitter”. Because these social networking sites are used for all kinds of nonsense and ignorance like e-beefin, virtual “modeling” portfolios, exposure of poor education (grammar, spelling, etc), spreading conspiracy theories, etc.

    And then there are the foolish YouTube internet sensations like Antoine Dodson and 50 Tyson. LOL! Sadly, I am notoriously guilty for spreading such viral videos. It’s just soooo entertaining! *shrugs*

  • http://pinkflame1983.blogspot.com/ Pinkflame1983

    Funny, should I link this one to my Facebook?

    You would think that the butt head tea baggers and conspiracy theorist would use the net to do some research.

  • Honey

    Hilarious I’m laughing so loud some people might think I’m crazy hahahah ”That Imaginary Negro Who Broke Into Toure’s Twitter Account in March” as the prime suspect.” hilarious

  • sloane

    lmao…so true. so many people live up to these stereotypes on the internet. and if i see one more “model” who only has a facebook and an active imagination to back up their career i’m going to throw up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeremy-Thompson/83501265 Jeremy Thompson

    Hit that on the nose!

  • Damali

    It’s funny because it’s true. Pure comedy – thanks Damon

  • http://www.projectduh.com BougieHippie

    Amazing you walked right through my mind and just politely took out all things that boggle me everyday about coons on the web.

  • Miss Jae

    Hil-larry-us!

  • Miss Jae

    There’s PLENTY of #1′s on FXP! (thefreshxpress.com)

  • secret ninja

    this was beyond hilarious! this article definitely defines the (unfortunate) times we are living in.

  • Terri

    I’m glad you wrote this because hopefully this will deter some of these black blog tea baggers from commenting on Clutch because they kill me with the over emotionalism and drama. THANK YOU!!!! Tea-baggers beware, you are not welcome!!! Please and thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/supaflynfuchsia Fuchsia

    LMAO!

  • Jaywan

    I heart this article. Numbers 3 and 4 are hilarious. Two-thumbs up.

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    Side Note: I love that Clutch has contributors write under their real name. 1st Sister Toldja, now The Champ. I plan to use this for evil on VSB, Champie *evil laugh*

  • Beautifuldaidreamer

    This piece just KILT me dead (mainly b/c I had to stifle my laughter at work)!

    I really miss the days when FB was a collegiate networking tool. Now that anybody with a Google account can sign up, pure coonery has amassed. Not to say that just because you’re college educated, you automatically possess class and dignity, but at least the occurrences of grammar homicide and TMI statuses were slim :-/

  • http://theblvdmag.com Erica

    Great post!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Naomi-Claxton/699054472 fb699054472

    Awesomeness! I <3 everything about it :)

  • Tiffany

    As soon as I saw the title, I knew this was written by a VSB. Love both sites.. Clutch and verysmartbrothas

  • Pingback: Why Kanye Matters so Gotdamn Much — Very Smart Brothas

  • http://www.essenceofsilk.com KarenC

    Funny, very true adaptations & creations lol.

  • http://cmongood.com cmongood

    haha! So true! #3 is too funny!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wilton-T-Waverly/505451356 Wilton T. Waverly

    “The E thug… is stupid enough to think that their “B*tch n*gga! I better not ever see your ass on the streets!!!! You gettin straight clapped, son!!!” threats will actually scare anyone on the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra message board.”

    Classic

  • http://www.since84.wordpress.com Graph Paper

    Consider your sentiments shared. I love the humor in your writing.

  • Michelle

    First off, I would like to know why I cannot read older comments anymore?

    For every character that was mentioned on that list, I know a person who fits that description to a ‘T’. The sad thing is most of them are in my family.

  • Beef Bacon

    Yeah what Michelle said……

    Great piece….keep em coming…..

  • Pingback: Dear Champ (Vol 2): How do men really feel about women and their hair? — Very Smart Brothas

  • demel coleman

    As it relates to the “Black Tea-Baggers”, it is very refreshing to see the exodus of individuals from the Democratic plantation. To think that almost 95% of an ethnic group votes for the same party year end and year out yet has nothing to show for it…..makes you wonder. I left that plantation a long time ago and now I vote based off of ideals/policies that I believe will EMPOWER my community and not enslave them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jenifer-Daniels/1453461857 Jenifer Daniels

    i am over here dying! red lobster…do you know my momma used to collect the Pina Colada glasses from the late 80′s early 90′s? real talk…she had a whole set…those were her “good glasses”.

  • Michelle

    If my mama were to read this, I know she would feel embarrassed.

  • Michelle

    I have a relative, who is trying to break in the “Urban professional model” business (in other words, she has a portfolio of a$$ shots and in g-strings). Once, at a wedding reception of another relative, she showed her portfolio to a bunch of people. ::smdh::

  • http://getme-lolly.blogspot.com/ GETMELOLLY

    AMEN for point number 3!!! LMAO!!!!

  • binks

    this post has my side hurting from laughing, I love it because it is so true especially 4 that trips me out everything but great list all in all

  • http://designsdellight.com design

    Well the days of black people being innovative is over, I have listened to the music today and ilt is not hip.

    Myspace was just too cheap to last.

    But I object to a few statements in a way, I am a supporter of the tea party or even the truther movement. I think it is good that black people are talking aboout alternative theories and perceptions.

    I have no problem with conspiracy theories as long as they are backed by facts and archives. It is a shame that blsck blogs have not been that innovative, we have all gone for the celebrity cheap market but you never know who owns a blog.

    I am for peoople taking control for too long we have been the spectators when we should have been writing.

    In a way we are just starting this internet game, it will be interesting how things will look in twenty years time.

    But Obama is Dick Cheney’s counsin, and thaat is documented.

  • Annette George

    I was really enoying your take on this topic…then I wondered why certain parts sounded incredibly familiar. Maybe it’s because the topic AND the supporting point are almost taken almost entirely from another blog written August 2009 (which, to your credit, you do reference as one of the “good” black blogs)…epic fail on your part, Damon Young…try again and next time be original.

    http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/four-reasons-why-they-never-should-have-given-you-nggas-internet-access/

    “1. n*ggas on facebook

    while anyone could have predicted that myspace would eventually be overrun by them, the recent swarm of n*ggas on facebook has surprised everyone, proving once and for all that like liam nesson in “taken”, n*ggas will eventually find you.

    i wont lie. at least a dozen of my friends qualify, and at least half of those dozen are family members.

    i keep them around because you can’t minimize the mid-day comic relief of checking your friend’s status updates and seeing mundane sh*t like “john saunders is about to go on a job interview. wish me luck“, and “kim williams just landed in vegas, baby!!!” sandwiched between “rick gohardformyhood johnson why cant none of my babi mommaas act rght???? ” and “precious thebaddestbitch buddenswifey its crackin this weekend. hatas and broke ass altima n*ggas need not apply”

  • Itsnotagame

    Ummmm, Damon Young IS “the champ”.

    Obviously they don’t teach reading comprehension at Everest College.

  • hehe

    wow that was dumb in your part

  • http://www.lainika.com LJC

    Love it. Funny, funny, funny stuff.

  • Akai ([email protected])

    You can read them, ‘Chelle. The words aren’t there but just click on the pinkish/red rectangular bar at the bottom. *smile*

  • Akai ([email protected])
  • Pingback: sunday love | [cavalier flair]

  • Me27

    I absolutely loved this list…

    @#2 thankfully all the “N*ggas on Facebook” are leaving for Twitter…

    #3 had me cracking up…unfortunately i know some of this “models”

    #1 and #4 are both so true. There are so many people who go to websites and make comments on articles with the sole purpose of starting stuff.

  • http://www.syccollection.etsy.com SYC

    This is funny but sad and true. The unfortunate part is that if you begin to speak on any of the behaviors mentioned above then you’re a “hater”. So sad

  • satyu

    this is a self-hating article

  • http://theycallmekells.tumblr.com Kelly

    Omg you just murdered all the “niggas” on the internet. The Facebook middle names? Killed me! haha

  • http://antiintellect.wordpress.com Anti-Intellect

    I think the ignorance or rather gullibility factor of something like the #Illuminati is a window into why the HIV/AIDS rates are skyrocketing in our community unfortunately.

    If you can believe that Egyptian statues in a music video means “devil worshiper” it’s only a cry away from thinking that it’s a “gay boogyman” out there giving black women HIV.

    Not that people are choosing to engage in sexual acts without condoms or anything.

  • Pingback: The “GTFOH!” Awards — Very Smart Brothas

  • http://www.awordorthree.com Crystal Marie

    I am ROFL at ““That Imaginary Negro Who Broke Into Toure’s Twitter Account in March” as the prime suspect.” HILARIOUS!

  • Pingback: Five Ways Black Movies Can Do Better | Very Smart Brothas

Latest Stories

Hashtivism: See How Twitter Took Over #myNYPD to Highlight Police Brutality

by

V.O.T.D: “Thugs, The Musical!”

by

Open Thread: Did You Watch “The Boondocks” Season Premiere?

by

Paul Ryan to Meet With CBC to Clear Up Racially Insensitive Comments

by
Read previous post:
Comparing Relationships: Yours vs. Mine
The Afro-Latino Connection: Bridging The Gap
Close