While African-Americans are definitely the most influential people on the planet, I can’t exactly say everything we’ve brought to the table has been a good thing. We can’t claim Obama and Oprah without claiming OJ Simpson and OJ da Juiceman as well. This is particularly true when it comes to the Internet, where for every ClutchMag, Okayplayer, and VerySmartBrothas, there are a couple Mediatakeout’s lurking around the block in a dirty mini-van, hoping to lure small children and stupid adults.
Just last weekend, apparently unaware of the “N*gga, you ain’t Avon Barksdale, so stop acting like it” fine print at the bottom of every NBA contract, Denver Nugget Carmelo Anthony shut down his Twitter account after catching heat for putting a hit on something called a “Kat Stacks.” Anthony later stated that his account had been hacked, and the police have confirmed this, naming “That Imaginary Negro Who Broke Into Toure’s Twitter Account in March” as the prime suspect.
Anyway—as an ode to Dave Chappelle’s transcendentally hilarious send up of Rick James, here’s 5 Reasons Why They Never Should Have Given You “Black People” Internet Access.
1. The Emergence of The Black Blog Tea-Party
At this very moment, there is a person somewhere out there spending a few hours crafting, researching, and editing a blog entry or article that will be published in the near future. This person might even be you. As is the case with most websites and blogs, this entry will be open to comments. And, the vast majority of the comments (“pro” or “con”) will be insightful, articulate, and will match the tone of the entry.
Then, out of nowhere, the Black Blog Tea-Baggers will appear.
It’s easy to spot them. Sometimes they’ll leave comments that’ll make you ask “Wait, are they in the right place? Did they even bother actually reading?”. Sometimes their preconceived agendas and narratives are so apparent that their comment looks like it was cut and pasted directly from a pamphlet. Sometimes their remedial reading comprehension and utter lack of any semblance of nuance and humor will make you wonder if they’re the inspiration for the No Child Left Behind Act. And, sometimes they’ll take their act to Twitter, where they have daily contests to see who can post the most irrationally hysterical 140 character perversion of a well thought out 1000 word piece.
Either way, the Black Blog Glenn Becks’ ability to misread facts and stay in a perpetual state of uber-sensitive faux-outrage never ceases to amaze (and scare) me. To their credit, they are predictable and consistent. For instance, I have no doubt that a few Black Blog Tea Baggers will look at the title of this article, sulk, immediately Tweet the link while spinning it into “Damn. So black men are telling black women they can’t get on the internet now? Sistas stay losing!!!”—and then finish their shifts at Whole Foods.
2. N*ggas on Facebook
While anyone could have predicted that Myspace would eventually be overrun by them, the swarm of n*ggas on Facebook has surprised everyone, proving once and for all that, like Angelina Jolie in Salt, they will eventually hunt you down and find you.
I won’t lie. At least 30 of my friends qualify, and at least a dozen of these 30 are related to me.
I keep them around because you can’t minimize the mid-day comic relief of checking your friend’s status messages and seeing mundane updates like “John Saunders is about to go on a job interview. Wish me luck,” and “Kim Williams just landed in Vegas, baby!!!” sandwiched between “Rick allidoiswin Johnson why cant none of my babi mommaas act rght?” and “Precious thebaddestbitch Buddenswifey its crackin this weekend. hatas and broke ass altima n*ggas need not apply.”
3. The Birth of The Superstar Professional Urban Model . . .
When speaking of nostalgia, most people wax poetic about stuff like 60s soul music, muscle cars, 80s NBA basketball, drive-in theaters, segregation, and the days when Dr. Dre and Jermaine Dupree were still alive.
Me? I long for the days when calling yourself “a professional model” meant high fashion, higher cheekbones, cigarettes, and anorexia—not scoring a ShowMag cover spread on the strength of a Twitter photo album of self-shot booty pics taken in a Sbarro’s bathroom during Black Bike Week.
4. . . . and The E-thug
Because the Internet is a place where people are able to anonymously espouse controversial opinions about everything from hair care to horticulture, it can be a virtual petri dish for heated arguments, hurt feelings, and venereal disease.
A silly bi-product of this phenomenon is the keyboard thug/modem murderer, a person who not only threatens to inflict bodily harm when upset, but is stupid enough to think that their “B*tch n*gga! I better not ever see your ass on the streets!!!! You gettin straight clapped, son!!!” threats will actually scare anyone on the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra message board.
5. Conspiracy Theory Circulation
As the “Is he in the Illuminati?” reaction to Kanye’s “Power” video continues to prove, the only thing Black people love more than conspiracy theories and unproven half-truths is Red Lobster. It’s not entirely our fault, though. I mean, when you’re aware of completely true conspiracies such as The Tuskegee Experiment and COINTELPRO, you can’t help having a healthy dose of American skepticism embedded in your DNA.
Still, that “healthy dose of American skepticism” doesn’t stop me from wishing slow and painful deaths on the people who flood my inbox daily with YouTube “proof” that Obama is a shape-shifting, Rothschild descendant, and 10,000 word diatribes about how it was actually Karl Rove’s nephew who shot Tupac.