Thick, curvy, voluptuous—nah. I’m a proud fat Black chick with no hangups about my size, and I have the nerve to expect a romantic interest to be comfortable with it. I learned a long time ago that I needed to love myself before anyone else was going to love me, so I’m perfectly happy being on my own if I can’t find a partner who accepts me as I am. But my past experience has borne out that it’s not impossible for a fat chick to get a date. Being sexy and fat isn’t as hard as some people would have you believe.

That said, society doesn’t exactly make it easy on fat women to develop healthy self-esteem. Even within the Black community, where fat is supposedly accepted so much more readily than in other cultures, fat women experience discrimination, disgust and ridicule. Fat might be more acceptable, but you have to be a certain kind of fat—padding in all the “right” places and none where it’s not desirable. Fat women with bodies that don’t fit the bill are either desexualized and Mammy-fied, or their sexuality is seen as a joke—take for example, Eddie Murphy’s Rasputia in “Norbit.”  Black men dressing in fat woman drag and overpowering skinny men with their animalistic desire gets a lot of laughs because society has conditioned us to see fat female sexuality as something to be laughed at or disgusted by.

Where dating is concerned, there’s another stereotype regarding fat women to contend with that runs rampant in the minds of men in particular—the mythological fat chick with low self-esteem who will let any brother still breathing have a taste. While there are, of course, fat women out there with low self-esteem, most of the fat chicks I know aren’t down to settle for just anyone. This stereotype tends to be applied most often if you’ve got boobs and a booty. You might be carrying that spare tire, but that won’t stop men from hitting it and quitting it the morning after. Just don’t tell their boys.

The images we’re bombarded with via sources such as fashion magazines, hip hop videos, “reality” TV, and other outlets of mainstream media, reinforce the dominant cultural paradigm which states that only thin bodies can be desirable. Fat women are taught that they are less-than and unworthy of love or sexual pleasure. Being Black women, we already are made to believe that we’re not as attractive or desirable as our White counterparts—add fat to the mix and you’ve got a cocktail deadly to our self-esteem. Not to mention the constant barrage of news stories telling us we’re doomed to be single. If thin Black women aren’t getting any love, what are the chances for us fat Black chicks?

It’s often said that being a Black woman means you have to work twice as hard as the next White woman to be seen as equal. That goes doubly for fat Black women in the dating game. Everything has to be on point—hair bangin’, makeup perfectly applied, style impeccable—just to be noticed. Is it fair? Of course not. Is it real? Unfortunately, yes. But although appearance may be the key to get you in the door, even more important for your well-being and success at finding a quality partner is your internal game. It may be cliché, but confidence in yourself is your best asset. All you’re going to attract are scrubs if you don’t have a self-assured aura—and, yes, that means some nights you might be alone. It’s better to not have a date than to end up with some fool who doesn’t appreciate your value. You have to realize that you deserve a partner who isn’t out to take advantage of you or isn’t ashamed to be seen with you in the daylight. Don’t end up on someone’s “booty call” list.

If loving your body as it is is new to you, I suggest you get familiar with some voluptuous Black women who are famously comfortable in their own skin–and offering their tips on how to feel the same. I’m talking our lady Afrobella, the amazing Marie Denee of The Curvy Fashionista, everyone’s favorite MTV TJ Gabi Gregg, the forever fashion-forward Xtina from Musings of a Fatshionista, and any of the other gorgeous Black “fatshion” bloggers out there repping for the stylish plus-size chicks. Seeing these women work it just might give you the self-confidence to say no to the next zero who’s trying to hook up for a one-nighter. Unless, of course, you feel like a one-nighter, to which I say go get yours–as long as you’re doing it because you’re feeling sexually liberated and not downtrodden and lonely. Not judging, just saying.

Despite all of the obstacles fat Black women face while trying to find a potential partner, it’s not all bad. There are good prospects out there, you just need to be patient, refuse to suffer fools gladly, and practice self-love. Trust that if you send positive energy out there, you’ll get it in return. You might have to whack a few weeds down, but it’ll be worth it when you find that person who’s going to make you feel like the gorgeous fat Black woman you are. Belly, hips, thighs and all.

Photo Credit

  • Stacy

    This is the story of my life!!! I recently just broke it off with someone, and everytime I do so I go through this period of doubt because I’m afraid I’ll never find another man that finds me attractive because of my size. I also recently went natural, and now I really feel like I’m not getting any attention! Every day is a constant struggle, but every day I constantly remind myself and how gorgeous I am, and pray that I’ll eventually find someone who loves every roll and curve on my size 16 body.

  • http://www.suburbansweetheart.com Suburban Sweetheart

    I guess I’m not the target audience here, as a fat white woman, but those spoke to me nonetheless. Thanks for the reminder that being fat isn’t synonymous with settling for less. Remind, rinse, repeat.

  • Pingback: DWF | Dating While Fat « The Double D's

  • bob

    their is somebody for everybody but, being obese is not healthy , im not attracted to fat women. They just dont do it for me but, other men love big beautiful women so, dont fret ladies their is somebody for everybody

  • secretaddy

    :) :) :)

    I love your comment, It was soo honest and true. When society is hitting u with the “BLACK WOMEN ARE LONELY” epidemic BS, and you don’t fit what people would typically categorize as “pretty” it’s hard to make that decision to leave that someone. I feel your pain…but geez I am sooo much happier without him. He just sucked !

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stacy-Australia/45504695 Stacy Australia

    I am a big black woman and I do not have the issues you mentioned. Guys always approach me and attempt to date me. I don’t have low self-esteem or any of those issues. But I can not speak for everyone.

    This is a good article and it brings awareness to those “fat chicks” who have those issues.

  • pamela

    If you have to go through the drama to be with a man in the end he really isn’t worth it. Please ladies be yourself and true to yourself. @ Stacy stay natural it will be worth it in the end.

  • Heidi

    their is somebody for everybody but, being a dumbass who still thinks that health has ANYTHING to do with size or that your “concern” for the health of fat people is based on anything other than your displeasure to look at the “obese” is not appealing. , im not attracted to douchebags. They just dont do it for me but, other women love uninformed, judgmental tools so, dont fret guys there is somebody for everybody

  • http://www.notoriousspinkstalks.com Notorious Spinks

    This article is haute! I totally feel you. I get so tired of people with all these titles, hell I’m just a pretty fat girl and loving it baby. i don’t sweat the small stuff and I get my share of action so it is what it is.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stacy-Australia/45504695 Stacy Australia

    I am a size 18 and I have been natural almost 3 years. Personally, I do not have any issues with men. I recieve compliments all the time from men about my hair. This is just my situation and I realize everyone’s story is different.

    I say stay true to yourself regardless of your size or your physical appearance. If a man does not love you for who you are then to hell with him. But I would say don’t sit around waiting for anyone either. Get involved within the community do other stuff. You may meet the man of your dreams while you are volunteering in the community or something. Keep your head up sis!!

  • secretaddy

    HA !!! I love your comment :) That guy @bob is a [insert unkind word here] !!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kd-Dillard/100000115539463 K.d. Dillard

    Regardless of size men are attracted to confidence. I have had so many men who usually don’t date fat girls find me attractive. Once you love yourself for who you are that man will come who love you for you also!! Its not about our size. It’s about us being in love with ourselves. How can any man know how to love us if we don’t know how to love ourselves? It starts within. -Keke

  • bob

    your just mad what I said was the truth , not just the black community but America has an obesity problem. Obese individuals have a greater risk of having high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes. We have to be more conscience of our health as African Americans and what we put in our bodies we are what we eat and exercise. Yeah Im an asshole for trying to encourage people to be healthier hey because im not attracted to big girls its not the end of the world some men love big girls some dont, some women like nerds, some dont every one has their preferences.

  • mina

    I bet $10 this article is gonna blow-up by the afternoon with, “But fat isn’t sexy, it’s so unhealthy!!”

  • http://www.clutchmagazine.com Clutch

    We hope not. Hopefully everyone will be very respectful and willing and open to learn from others.

  • http://www.myspace.com/a_y_porter Warm_Spirit

    Superb and well written article! In the past, I always felt the need to apologize for my size; especially to any potential suitor. My feelings of shame, worthlessness and poor self-esteem were nearly unbearable. But I let go, and let God. I now know that I am worth it, and will NEVER settle for anything less than I am worth. To Suburban Sweetheart: This issue is universal; it is not limited to any particular race. I’m delighted the article helped you realize your worth!

  • http://www.myspace.com/a_y_porter Warm_Spirit

    @Mina: There are many slender people who are also unhealthy. As a registered nurse, I treat numerous unhealthy ‘normal’ weight individuals. I am obese, however, I walk 30 to 60 minutes per day, and lift weights three days per week. My health is excellent, and I can run circles around people half my size. The point is: Slender does not necessarily equal healthy, and obese does not necessarily equal unhealthy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stacy-Australia/45504695 Stacy Australia

    Thats the key confidence!!!

  • Alexandra

    I liked the article! And yes I also believe that confidence, overshadows many things. That goes for anyone, no matter if you’re fat or not.
    A great personality allows will some people to see pass appearances they didn’t like at first.

    I agree with Mina too. I’m sure some people will hijack this story, go off topic and start using stats and such to explain why fat people are not human.

  • mina

    Oh yeah, I know! That’s the point I was trying to make with my comment, I always find with articles of this nature, people tend to go off topic and talk about health, the obesity epidemic, etc. etc. when it has nothing to do with the original piece.

    Reading the comments on the past couple of Gabourey Sidibe posts is an example of this.

    I will say that I haven’t dated for the past three years after a very bad break-up. I do sometimes think my recent weight gain has something to do with it, but even when I was thinner I never really “got” dating culture and admit to having a sometimes off-putting personality.

    One question I’m interested in hearing people’s opinions about is the “fat diva” personality I see a lot in the media in regards to black women. It really annoys me that this seems to be the only personality that a fat black woman is allowed to have.

    Even on my highest confidence days, I have no desire to act loud, boisterous, or overly aggressive in my sexuality or opinions. Not knocking women who do have this personality, but I’ve been told on many occasions that because I don’t act like a certain kind of fat woman that I must hate myself.

    I have much more confidence than I ever did when I was younger but even so, I do suffer with emotional issues. Even if I didn’t have any problems, I’ve been an introvert all my life and I simply don’t take pleasure in being the center of attention.

  • WoW

    I’ll say this….if skinny girls have it bad, fit girls have it bad, beautiful women have it bad….what do you expect of fat women????? Women have it bad when it comes to dating–PERIOD.

  • http://www.myspace.com/a_y_porter Warm_Spirit

    @Mina: I must apologize; I initially misread your comment. I am in complete agreement with you! Many people try to legitimize the social unacceptance of overweight/obese people by quoting statistics related to the increased rate of chronic illnesses in this population. When in reality, their main issue is aesthetics; they simply do not like the way fat people look. Furthermore, they are puzzled by the overweight/obese people who are happy and confident in themselves. I agree there is a stereotype and misrepresentpation of the ‘loud, boisterous, desperate and attention seeking fat Black woman’. Mo’Nique, as much as I love her, is a prime example of this. Her former show, The Parkers, in my honest opinion, was an insult to fat women. The show’s plot was based on an obese woman, chasing after a man who repeatedly degrades and insults her. How sad! And what a horrible message this sends to our youth, who are already struggling with identity and esteem issues.

  • Clnmike

    Great article, very thoughtful. Confidence, personality, and how you carry your self trumps everything. Hell here in Atlanta big gurls got it easy.

  • chillchic

    My girlfriend is a gorgous woman with amazing bone structure. She is a plus sized woman who is going natural. I am happy for her but I fear that she will not get any attention from guys. As it is, she only attracts guys who want to “hit and quit.” Guys are so disrespectful to plus sized women. They are just as attracted to them as they are to other women but they don’t want to be seen with them. It’s bull crap.

  • http://www.sabrinascloset.blogspot.com Sabrina The Soul Stylista

    Great article Tasha. Now do the flip side…what if you posess all those great atributes of confidence, fierceness, inner and outer beauty and self esteem and the men say “you’re unapproachable” or “you have this regalness that we can’t touch.” How do you get around that? Is that just an excuse not to admit or submit to their boys that I can love a big woman and have her as a dime on my arm ! I think more of the problem with “Navigating the Dating World as a Fat Girl” is men that think and act from their own wants and needs rather than the “socially accepted.” A brother will leave or pass up a big girl who has their best interest at heart and they know it…just because it’s not socially acceptable. So my question is how do we change that way of thinking that’s been embedded in their egos since the beggining of time or better yet, how do we change THEIR self esteem or self confidence for them to trust their inner man enough to accept what is not socially unacceptable? AND so they can walk in a crowded room full of other men, their boys and other smaller women and be proud to have that double dime diva on their arm?

  • http://www.sabrinascloset.blogspot.com Sabrina The Soul Stylista

    Glad to hear! I need to move to ATL

  • Miss Jae

    I see you Gabby! You betta werk! (http://www.youngfatandfabulous.com)

  • Tee

    Wow! I couldn’t have said it better myself:) I’ve been plus size since childhood and I think if I’ve experience any type of discrimination it’s been size discrimination. Being overweight and a black female isn’t any easier. Black men have always been my biggest critics and I’ve always felt ignored by them.
    Nevertheless I refuse to settle for anything less then a mature Christian ready made man who actually likes and respects women.
    Don’t think skinny chics have it much better,because they don’t . They’re judge based on their appearance just as much as us “BIG CHICKS”,but I don’t want a man who only wants me because I’m thin I want a man who likes all of me.

  • chillchic

    You aren’t lyin’ about ATL.

  • A Size 2 Perspective

    I’m gonna be really unpopular here for what I’m about to say but I don’t care:

    I’ve always been skinny. It’s in my genes. Smallest I’ve been was a size 0 and now I’m about a 2-4. Growing up I didn’t have body image issues until I hit my teens and all of sudden I was flat chested and wasn’t “thick” enough. The guy I was with told me every day to sit correctly and eat more so my ass could grow. Now he was a piece of shit and soon out of my life but I then had the idea that fat (or at least thick) was more desirable than skinny. Now I am confident in my body and couldn’t care less about what any one thinks about it. But its annoying how there’s this double standard when it comes to bad mouthing thin women.

    What irritates me about obesity in America and in the black community is that IS so freaking unhealthy. Health care costs have risen 10% because of obesity. 10 friggin percent. Black people have the highest rate for every god damn disease. And then complain when society doesn’t marvel at their bodies which scream heart attack and high blood pressure. I love curves but when you can’t bend over to tie your shoes or you struggle to walk, or you take up 2 whole seats on the metro and your suffering from high blood pressure and diabetes and you don’t even bother to try and change, eat healthy, exercise, whatever then get the f out of here with the pity party. People are attracted to what looks healthy and strong plain and simple. Its biological.

    If a man doesn’t like your body then f him. But just because your comfortable with yourself doesn’t mean that that gives you an excuse to not strive to be as healthier. Healthy doesn’t even mean being a size 2, you can still be plus sized. And being skinny doesn’t mean healthy either. But plain and simple, being obese is not healthy no matter which way you look at it.

    And while I’m at it, I’m sick of not being able to find clothes that fit because all the smalls are made to fit mediums. It’s ridiculous.

  • http://styleaholics.com najwa moses

    Funny, I agree and don’t agree with this article.

    Agreed: Confidence is key.
    Disagree: Loving yourself regardless of size. If you’re UNHEALTHY and OBESE it’s not cool- it’s just as bad as being deadly thin.

    On another note thick and curvy doesn’t just stop at a size 14. Many folks naturally have bigger frames and that’s cool, just make sure you can run a quick city block if you need to without falling out.

    As someone who reached 200lbs last January I knew a change was needed, so I dropped 50 it wasn’t easy but I got it done, yes I’m on the “light” side but boobs and butt are still in effect….
    xoxo Clutch

  • http://www.boycottbabyphat.blogspot.com Sugar

    One of my girlfriends called me last week to get my advice about going out with a guy she hadn’t seen in a while. She’s been out of work for over a year and the stress and sedentary lifestyle, coupled with emotional eating, has led to some weight gain. She was concerned that he would be turned off by her. I was honest with her and told her that yes the weight gain is noticeable, but I told her that she should just address it with him when she sees him. He’s seen her much smaller. I told her that even in a marriage our weight will change, so what? Should a man get up and walk out on a marriage because his wife gains some weight? I told her that if he isn’t mature enough to deal with her going through such a difficult period, she probably didn’t want to be bothered with him anyway.

    Absolutely, there are limits, but she’s not “obese like Della Reese”. Long story short, she had already put him off for two weeks by the time she called me and she said she’d lost about 10 pounds and she already felt better. I told her to not wait much longer or he’d think she was seeing somebody.

  • Mimi

    Finish reading the last updated comments…

    ::pulls out wallet, takes out a ten dollar bill and gives it to Mina::

  • http://BigDivaHq.com Ms. Pillowz

    Great article! I am a big, beautiful woman and I totally agree with what you said. It isn’t easy being a fabulous full figured woman, but cultivating a healthy self confidence helps. Although I am happy that you mentioned many fabulous “fatshion” bloggers, I feel that a lot of us BBWs put too much emphasis on our outward appearances and not enough on the internal: self esteem, confidence, positive thoughts, etc. On my blog, Big Diva Hq, I prefer to focus on things like gratitude, affirmations, forgiveness, health, eating right, meditation, and new experiences which help to build our self esteem from the inside. I plan to do a new post soon, but there are plenty of posts there about the above mentioned topics that you can check out. Happy reading!

    Peace and Blessings,

    Ms. Pillowz, HBIC (Head Blogger In Charge)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cleo-Hines/1130483506 Cleo Hines

    I love love love this article! Thank you. I got laid off about 2 years ago, up til that point, I’d always been pretty active, I lived in NYC and I would walk everyday, just for the sheer joy of it, I love walking. So most days I was walking down Lex from Hunter College on the Upper East Side(68/Lex, not Park, no one EVER enters on the Park Ave side) to Union Square train station, somewhere in the neighbourhood of about 50 blocks (I’m bad at math)?. Anywhoo, I lost my job and had to move back home with my family, to Central NJ, an hour and a half outside the city, where you HAVE TO drive everywhere and can’t walk anywhere because there are no bloody sidewalks. At first I was ok, but eventually I started putting on weight, I gradually went from a size 7, to a 9 and now I think I’m a 12/14? I was never a small girl to begin with, but by virtue of the way that I’m built (no hips, no ass *sigh*, I finally got out of a 32A @ 27) and the fact that I was an athlete most of my life I looked like I was. At 170lbs, I’m a size 7 at anything less than 150lbs, I look like a crackhead, most of my weight was pretty much pure muscle.

    When I put on weight, it was unbelievable how quickly I became invisible, something I’ve never been. At first it hurt and made me really kinda bitter, but as time has moved on, I’m glad of it because, I find that I don’t miss being ogled, harassed and having my personal space invaded continuously on a daily basis by any dude that feels like it. I also came to the conclusion that if I’m gonna be written off just because of my size guess what? Good, because that means you’re too shallow to get to know someone as a person and not an object and in that case I don’t really wanna be bothered with you then. I was talking to my best friend the other day, and I told him that I’m not going to lose weight until I start dating someone, because I want to be with someone who values ME and not what I look like.

  • MC

    If we’re honest with ourselves we realize that we all live in a very superficial world and physical attractiveness matters in the dating scheme of things. Even the people who don’t fit the ideal are shallow and want someone that they are physically attracted to. If big girls are really honest with themselves, they know they wouldn’t want a guy who is out of shape neither. I’ve been seing these kinds of discussions brought up as of late & health is always brought into the equation. Yes your health is important and should be priority. But these discussions are truly about LOOKING physically fit; it is all about aesthetics. If you put on make-up, get your nails done, get your hair done, these are all things done to maintain your aesthetic appeal and to appear well put-together and presentable, so i don’t understand why big girls want to fuss about maintaing an attractive shape. It’s almost as if they feel like maintaining a small waiste and an attractive shape is unattainable. Being a fat person should not define you or your life and articles like this make it sound as if being fat is a genetically inherited trait! Not it’s not! You can change your circumstances.

  • http://futurefetus.com SCRiBE

    “Thick, curvy, voluptuous” -yah

    To be honest “fat” isn’t the first word i would use to describe the woman in the picture but, I am a guy who prefers a woman with a bit more to offer so to speak. Women who would like to lose weight shouldn’t feel pressure to “keep it real” or “be comfortable with their weight” if realistically they should shed a few pounds for health reasons or simply to look the way they want to look. Becoming comfortable with ANY situation is not always the Confident choice.

    Just remember women, there are men out there who will appreciate you for who you are on the inside. And there are just as many men who will be interested in you just for your body if you are thick or thin. Whatever your size though confidence is muy importante in the dating game. It attracts other confident people who don’t need to put you on their “booty call list.”

  • http://brklynbabylon.wordpress.com MW

    I cannot believe I’m quoting Aubrey:
    “…You say you dropping 10 pounds preparing for summer
    And you don’t do it for the man, men never notice
    You just do it for yourself you’re the f-cking coldest”

    In truth, this is exactly how it should be. I don’t think men, good men anyway, are so caught up in what a woman weighs as much as we should be concerned about ourselves. I could be wrong in general, but I’ve never met a man who analyzed (at least openly) my jeans size. As long as those jeans looked good on my body.

    But!
    I must agree with one of the earlier commentators: fat isn’t healthy. It stresses your heart and ultimately takes time off of your life. Accept your curves, yes…indulge in excess weight? No.

    That said, my mother is a beautiful big woman…and is a dime. While we’re working for her to lose the weight (safely and naturally) she’s a good example about loving yourself. I think ultimately, loving yourself is about making the changes in life to make it your very best life. Yes, that confidence is sexy. Sexy is not eating a whole Juniors’ cheesecake (is that just for native NYers?) in the name of being liberated and taking control of your own image.

  • WoW

    I’m not knocking big girls being confident. That is one less woman who will end up being abused or uneducated. However, I too am against this big is fine movement which is dominating the air waves now. There is a big girl on Young and the Restless. The Pinsol Lady is big. Glee has a big girl. So I really don’t want to hear any more sad stories about big girls not getting any love. Seems to me that being an obese black woman is in vogue now. Why not celebrate?

  • jamesfrmphilly

    fruits, nuts, grains and vegetables………

  • Tahmeka

    Good article. I just don’t understand the “if he’s a real man, he won’t care about you being fat” Why is a man’s character in question because he doesn’t like big women. My brother, for example, is a great man, but he prefers women who are fit, health conscious etc.
    Also, how is it possible that a person is “fit” and active and still morbidly obese? I’m not being snarky, I really want to know.

  • http://BigDivaHq.com Ms. Pillowz

    Whoop dee doo! What’s that? 3 acting roles? When the majority of the women in the US are a size 12 and up, yet the vast majority of the women on tv and in movies are a size 0, then I think we have a representation problem. If you changed your post to speak instead on the number of black people on tv, would you think we should be celebrating? I don’t think so. It’s better than it was, yes, but we still have far to go. It could be much more reflective of the society that we live in. I believe that Clutch Magazine already wrote about that with the post on Mad Men, but I digress. I don’t see how 3 full figured actresses has you surmising that this is the new in thing. Where they do that at?

    Ms. Pillowz

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    Article: “Where dating is concerned, there’s another stereotype regarding fat women to contend with that runs rampant in the minds of men in particular…”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Something I’ve noticed is a flat out hypocrisy that crosses gender.

    How many people have encountered obese males/females that refuse to date other obese males/females, have the audacity to name-call other “fat” individuals, pursue and prefer healthy-sized men/women with muscles or killer bodies, and often outright state how they’re not attracted to other fat or obese males/females?? …uh huh, exactly!

    I agree with the article in that, no doubt, everyone should possess self-love and esteem. However, is being overweight/obesity a condition that should be encouraged? Absolutely not IMO and I will never understand why an individual would not eagerly take ownership of the power they possess and increase their chances for being/remaining healthy, having a better quality of life and, yes, even looking good.

    Real and true confidence is an essential and wonderful quality that does go a long way; there is a lid for every pot and somebody out there for everyone but confidence won’t/can’t force a change in what an individual is attracted to.

    Gabby Sidibe appears to have confidence, and a pleasant disposition, but that does not make her physically attractive – least of all to the guys she’s pathetically thrown herself at publicly i.e. Gerard Butler, Justin Timberlake etc. And this is not specific to gender as Rick Ross, Fat Joe and the late Notorious B.I.G. all exude(d) confidence; however, their confidence can’t/doesn’t change the fact that – while there are females of a certain caliber that would get with or be attracted to them, and their money and celebrity purchased them access to a few others who (were these guys broke and unknown) they’d never stand a chance with – they will never be what is generally considered “handsome” or “sexy” in the least.

    People can like, love (as a friend), befriend, adore, respect and enjoy being around someone but the truth is, ‘hard parts’ *wink* and ‘moist nether-regions’ can’t be forced. If an individual is not attracted to big bellies, hanging guts, back fat, swinging arms, double chins, moobs (man boobs) or rubbing thighs and finds obesity physically repulsive, that’s just the way it is!

  • Amber

    The Pinesol lady is a modern day Mamie (#justsaying), and as an avid watcher of Glee, the lone fat black girl gets no love! The only time anyone was ever interested in her was to get revenge on another character. I agree more women with average body types are getting more shine, but how often do you see these people with a love interest?

    And another note, LONG LIVE the “Big is fine movement”! The main people who say fat is unhealthy are the same people who probably smoke Newports and lay on the couch eating Krispy Kremes. There are so many celebrities in the spotlight that live unhealthy lifestyles(and I don’t mean just physically), but everyone has a problem with the fat girl.

  • http://www.boycottbabyphat.blogspot.com Sugar

    lolol Wrong for that.

  • http://blushfashionstar.blogspot.com/ Louise

    Just saw this on Twitter… I’m not black but I just wanted to pop in a little thought. I went out clubbing on Friday night and met a nice bloke at the bar. There was this stunning size 8 girl standing not far from us who I happen to be acquaintances with and think is so beautiful (au natural). Anyway I said “Don’t you think she is so gorgeous?” and he said “No… she’s just a stick girl, way too small”. This took me majorly by surprise since I’ve thought she was stunning for a long time. I found it such a shock for a guy to publicly turn around and say he preferred a larger girl! Actually I’ve had a couple of guys say this to me about this certain girl. It’s just not widely publicised how guys actually have a wide range of tastes and preferences. I’m 20 and I’ve had three official relationships and some not so official. You just got to believe in yourself :)

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    …wrong for that but dead right!

  • http://www.musingsfromthesoapbox.blogspot.com/ Veronica

    “Agreed: Confidence is key.
    Disagree: Loving yourself regardless of size. If you’re UNHEALTHY and OBESE it’s not cool- it’s just as bad as being deadly thin.”
    Call me crazy, but I actually think “deadly thin” women should love themselves too! Does anybody actually believe that not loving yourself is the way to taking better care of your body?!

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    MC wrote: “…[they] want someone that they are physically attracted to. …You can change your circumstances.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Thank you and thank you!!

    Funny how it doesn’t appear to be about changing one’s own circumstances (that which they’ve power over), but changing others. If an individual is happy, comfortable and doesn’t want/feel the need to change their circumstances, it’s all good. However, they’ve no right to demand other change or acquiesce to their whims.

    And you hit the nail on the head as many will unapologetically own their right to not find X attractive and be attracted to whatever floats their boat — yet will turn around and act as if the next individual doesn’t/shouldn’t also have that very same right.

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    Correction: “However, they’ve no right to demand other others change or acquiesce to their whims.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jamilah-Asali-Lemieux/8901352 Jamilah-Asali Lemieux

    Objection: relevance.

    As a retired big girl, I’d suggest that you find a place to unpack your own bags and let these sisters over here manage theirs. Suggesting that women wait until they are a “desireable” weight to see themselves as sexual, complete human beings doesn’t help anyone’s cause and it won’t get rid of “vanity sizing” anytime soon either.

  • WoW

    LOL…fruits nuts and berries says it all.

    Re: Big girls on TV. When is t.v. ever going to reflect society as it really is. Aside from ‘All in the Family….,” we still have a long way to go. I’m not hear to bash confident women. I’m just saying a minor representation is better than nothing. When was the last time you saw any Natives Americans in a Suave commercial?

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  • Casey B

    I like this article. I am a fan, Tasha Fierce. There really needs to be more fat acceptance in the black community. There seems to be a lot of recognizing that black people are often disadvantaged when it comes to health, which is good- but rather than focusing on people’s cholesterol, blood sugar, and abilities to move we are focusing on appearance. This is not useful. There is also a tendency to try to “hate people for their own good.” Seriously, if shaming fat people made us thin- there wouldn’t be fat people. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. So the next time you find yourself being spiteful, hateful, rude, belittling, or patronizing to someone “for their own good,” use your logic.

    Also, there isn’t a lot of attention given to skinny people who have terrible cholesterol and blood sugar problems. That is a problem. Your size does not determine your level of health, so let’s stop conflating aesthetics and health so we can give all bodies the care and respect they deserve. True, there are some unhealthy fat people- and their bodies deserve respect (including the right to being a healthy sexual being). But there are also some unhealthy skinny people, and their bodies deserve respect too (including the right to being a healthy sexual being.)

    In fact, when studies control for fitness level, cholesterol levels, blood sugar, socio-economic status, gender, and age- they find that the disparities between fat people who live healthy lifestyles and skinny people who live healthy lifestyles decrease dramatically. Unfortunately, studies that control those factors are not often done, because the results are not as profitable to diet companies.

    I suggest checking this out http://www.bodylovewellness.com/2010/06/30/just-so-were-clear-some-fat-facts/

    Some of the links are empowering, but do lead to other sections of her website. Other links have really useful news articles and links to studies that you might find interesting… like this one http://www.nature.com/ijo/journal/v34/n6/full/ijo201041a.html
    , which shows that losing 15% or more of your body fat can be hazardous to your health.

  • Melissa

    Dating will Always be hard whether you are fat or skinny or whatever. If its not one thing there will always be some kind of obstacle to overcome. Such is life, work on loving you and the rest will follow.

  • http://facebook Alfreida

    I am a fat black women who thinks the world of herself! I have spent amny nights alone b ecause i will not settle or freelance. I am worthy of the utmost respect and love.

  • hayzel

    its funny how people say the craziest things like, eat fruit, berries, etc and exercise and weight will come off…LOL it is possible to be big, love yourself, and do all these things and be big… surprise!! the gist of the article was not the reason why she is fat, but that ultimately that self-love is a major factor in attracting others in the dating scene….

  • Donna

    This pretty much sums of the ignorance of our society, I’m a big girl that loves fruits nuts grains and vegetables, I have thin friends one in particular that comes to mind that love whoppers, cheese fries, sodas and candy. The difference between myself and said friend is her metabolism. I can look at a burger and gain 5 pounds where as my thin friend can eat 3 of them in one sitting (and has done so) and not gain a thing.

    Although her weight is more “acceptable” in reality she’s the one that eats the unhealthy foods which is also a problem not just how much weight comes on.

    Also I have a larger frame than my friend so at my healthiest weight I’d still be considered fat in the eyes of many because people are conditioned to believe that there is one body type that all people must have and that’s simply not true.

  • copelli21

    It’s clear that many people don’t get this.

    If you don’t love yourself, how are you going to muster the will to change your life?

    The author is right. You have to love yourself (be it skinny, fat, big stomach, ugly feet….) right now, right where you are, as you are. Once that self-love is there, you feel better about yourself…..you start caring more about your appearance. Maybe you lose some weight, eat healthier and start taking better care of the temple you inhabit.

    She’s not saying love the fat. She’ saying love yourself as you are NOW.

    One person said that she wasn’t going to lose weight until she met a man who would value her as she was……why would you give some unknown person so much power over your life? I think you need to re-think that premise.

    Once you stop seeking love and affirmation from ‘outside’ sources and realize that what matters is how you feel about yourself…..how you value the person that you are and the body that have (imperfect as it may be) …..it’s a life changing thing.

    Self love….you feel better, you do better.

    i’m just sayin.

  • http://www.myspace.com/a_y_porter Warm_Spirit

    There are some who do not understand the concept of how one may be simultaneously obese and healthy. Allow me to explain. I used to weigh almost 300 pounds, with a BMI greater than 30 (Body Mass Index is a measure of one’s body fat based on height and weight). According to my BMI, I was categorized as morbidly obese. However, my diet was relatively healthy; my problem was portion control. I simply indulged in too much food. While fruits, grains, and nuts are healthy, anything in excess can quickly become detrimental. Yes, fruits provide much needed vitamins/minerals, fiber and antioxidants. Yet at the same time, fruits also contain a large amount of sugar. Yes, nuts are healthy and provide many health benefits, but they are also high in calories and fat. While nuts do contain healthy fats (Polyunsaturated & Monounsaturated) eating them in excess will lead to eventual weight gain. Although I was considered morbidly obese, people who looked at me did not consider me as such. Being a registered nurse, I was fairly active, but I decided to start a structured exercise program. I began by walking 30 minutes per day. I went for a physical prior to starting my routine, and my labs were EXCELLENT. My blood pressure, LDL cholesterol (bad cholesterol), blood sugar, and triglycerides were all within normal limits. My HDL cholesterol (good cholesterol) was through the roof, which was also excellent! Elevated HDL levels provide protection for your heart. I truly feel that my having such an active and demanding job, assisted in keeping my cardiovascular health intact. So, although I was obese, my health was, and still is, excellent. I have since lost 50 pounds, and I am still losing. Conversely, my sister has been slender her entire life. Yet, due to unfortunate lifestyle choices, she is in very poor health. She has a history of smoking, drinking excess alcohol, and consuming large amounts of red meat and saturated fat. Her blood pressure, LDL cholesterol, and triglycerides are through the roof. And again, she is slender and considered ‘normal’ weight. So please stop generalizing all overweight/obese individuals as being always unhealthy, while simultaneously implying that slender/normal weight individuals are always healthy. As the saying goes: You cannot judge a book by its cover.

  • http://www.bbwallday.com Chubbychaca’

    Also… Bigger women have the wettest juice boxes!!!!

  • Dee

    This topic, as most, comes back around every 2-3 years.

    I’m a size 18/20…used to be a 28 and I’m still on my healthy living journey.

    I do spin twice a week, cardio kickboxing and body works ( sculpting) and dare any size 6 girl to challenge me…I’ve had some girls to give me crazy looks in spin class and they end up walking out 20 minutes in and I’m just catching my stride! Don’t judge a book by it’s cover! Overweight doesn’t always mean unhealthy.

    I’m not sanctioning obesity…it’s unhealthy, period. But at the same time…why is someone else’s weight, sexuial preference, income, etc anyone’s issue? I think alot of these labels are put on folks to make others feel happy with their own insecurities and issues.

    I’ve travelled the world, lived abroad, and have a pretty good career…my life is good…and I did all of this before loosing the weight. If you make your weight or any other issue an insecurity, so will others.

    Dress for your body type, get in the gym, eat right, invest in some good bras and make sure you have at least 3 pairs of Spanx in your wardrobe and you’ll be all good…In the words of MJB “Work what you got!!”

  • Miss Jae

    This is the best comment I’ve seen thus far…I’m currently a plus size woman & I’m working on getting my weight down by joining curves & eating better. Thanks for your story. Anyone else looking to lose weight & need some support, check out http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com.

  • Emelyne

    @Dee: Yes, I agree with Ms Jae that this is the best comment. I believe that what causes the most discrimination toward fat women is the fact that we’re biologically programmed to associate beauty with health (the reason why many people have such a hard time believing a pretty person can have HIV) and most fat people, especially fat women are seen as unhealthy and even lazy, so are therefore labeled ugly. The thing is, fat isn’t unhealthy. Obesity (and emaciation, if you go that route) is. A woman who spins, does aerobics and the myriad of things you do can be fat but all of that activity plus eating right, means that obesity and the subsequent health issues associated with it will never touch you. You are probably very toned as well and that is what I call curvaceous. Being stick thin as well as being obese does nothing but harm the health and deform the body. Kudos to you for taking such good care of yours!

  • Amber

    LOL! Preach!

  • binks

    You hit the nail on the head, I took this article as loving yourself regardless of your size and having the confidence and self respect for yourself to know your worth at any size. It isn’t about being fat, skinny, slender, etc. I think people get overshadowed with the word “fat” and run with it by making unnecessary remarks and comments that isn’t pertaining to the article to make themselves feel better. But I must say the dating pool is harder for all women who are in it, but as a former fat chick I do relate to it because guys do look at you differently or expect you to have issues..i.e. self esteem issues because you are fat when that isn’t necessarily the case there is someone their for everyone it just takes awhile to find people who won’t judge you on your other appearance because you don’t fit the mold of what is “typically” considered beautiful

  • binks

    I agree, this is the best comment for this article because you summed up perfectly what the author was getting at, self love, happiness and being free to be yourself and live your life at any size and being secure it is not about advocating obesity or being unhealthy but just living and loving why spend your time hating yourself, wishing that you looked like this, that or the othe or waiting until you look a certain way while time is passing you by

  • Is

    Well….actually, I’d have to disagree. Loving yourself at all stages of your body type is key to living healthily long term. When I think about trying to do healthful things because this is the only body I get, I tend to stick with the program–whatever the program is. When I get caught up in how much I should hate myself because I’m whatever size, I just end up depressed and…overeating. Funny that. There is never a good reason to not love yourself. Loving yourself is the first real step towards taking care of yourself as best you can.

  • RadioRaheem

    This was a great article…I pretty much feel the same as Stacy. I have been natural for a couple of months now and am sporting a size 16/18 body. There was only one time in my life with which I ACTUALLY LIVED IT and that is when I was a size 9/10. I have never had a boyfriend, and am pretty much still a virgin.I’ve never really loved myself, absolutely abhor taking pictures and just wish I could stop eating the junk I eat and be skinny. Just like the article said, I don’t feel that I am worthy of intimacy or being loved and THAT super sucks. Right now, I am currently on a diet trying to whittle some weight down so I can start to enjoy life again. Best of luck to all ladies

  • sloane

    great comment! i’m not larger but find your comment inspirational.

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  • sloane

    no one just writes off an entire group of people out of nowhere. preferences don’t just come out of nowhere. there are plenty of attractive and vivacious larger women who should be seen as just as desirable as smaller women but aren’t because there is an acceptable bias against larger women. and i find it utterly disgusting that some assholes, as per usual, are using this as a platform to ridicule larger people. you cannot tell whether someone is healthy or not by looking at them. in fact, one of my closest friends goes to the gym every day and eats healthfully and would probably be considered medically obese. people can be healthy at any size, so why are we even bringing up health. this article is about the stigma unfairly placed upon larger people in the dating (and unfortunately myriad other) realms by lunkheads who think it’s their place to tell others to go eat nuts and berries. get over yourselves. being thin does not make you all that. and i say this as a thin person.

  • Dee

    Thanks so much, ladies! Peace and blessings to everyone!

  • Kema

    What I find most amusing is that these same females that are overweight are not looking at overweight men themselves…

    Hey its an attraction thing!

  • Nita

    @Dee I couldnt agree with you more. I’m plus size and have been since after high school. I’ve always been okay with being a size 14/16 up until last month. I said I know I will never be skinny but lets work this body out and see what happens. I did this for me, my husband has always loved my curves. For 5 days a week I do 30 minutes on the treadmill and 15 mins on the eliptical.

  • Nita

    Cont… my comment got cut off.

    My pants are loose, my face is slimmer I feel great. Though I dont have a set goal, I’m just going to see where this takes me. I wanted to be healthier! That’s my main focus. Although a size 10/12 would be nice (which is still considered + size) But thats fine with me.

    To each their own WORK IT no matter your size as long as you love it. I know you can be plus size and healthy.

    Blessings to all!

  • SmileMoreItWontHurt

    Maybe its just me, but I see a fat woman as unhealthy first and foremost. There are of course exceptions to everything. You can be the most beautiful woman on earth, but it says something about you if you have ur hair done, nails done, shoe game tight, etc….but you are extremely overweight. Your priorities are all fux’d up. If you are trying to manage your weight and working towards a more healthful figure/lifestyle I applaud you. If you are using the “i am still beautiful and sexy regardless of my size” excuse…you need to get a reality check. Diabetes is not beautiful and obesity is not sexy. Am I the only one who thinks this way?

  • Emelyne

    For the most part, I agree with you. I think it’s sad when anyone, man or woman, puts clothing shoes, patrying, etc. before their own body. You only get one life and one body to live it in so why devote time and attention to things of lesser importance. priorities should be God (if you are a believer), your children (if you have them), yourself, your spouse (if you have one), and your home. And these should be cared for body and mind. Your home is the last priority and everything else is just on the side. You can dress something up all you want, but it will not change what’s inside.

  • http://BigDivaHq.com Ms. Pillowz

    Yes Diva! This is what I am talking about! I love your comment!

    I find that many of the comments have been positive, but then there are some “concern trolls” that have to taint the works. Why is that everyone is entitled to a good happy fulfilling life, except if they are overweight? It’s like we just aren’t supposed to be happy. We aren’t supposed to feel good about ourselves the way we are, but we are allowed to feel happy ONCE we get skinny. We aren’t supposed to have decent clothes and accessories. Lawd help somebody if we should want to be boo’ed up! And Jesus take the wheel if we want to get on a plane and see the world. Big girl wants a real life?! Oh hell to the nah! It seems to me that there are plenty here and in life that feel that big girls should just sit in the house like hermits and let life pass by UNTIL we get to a weight that THEY deem acceptable. No bueno!

    This is PRECISELY why I started my blog, BigDivaHq.com. I think ALL of us deserve to bask in our blessings and have the best life possible. You don’t need to be a size 2 to do that. Don’t get it twisted, I don’t bash skinny women at all. You can join the movement too, but the “concern troll” / skinny equals healthy, so get like me stuff is for the birds. This is about the value that one places on herself and living a life with no regrets. I don’t want ANY big girls waiting to live once they get skinny, when we only have this moment. Live it up now!

    Ms. Pillowz, HBIC
    BigDivaHq.com

  • mina

    Did the author mention health once in this article? It’s really annoying to me that what I knew people would bring up, “OMG but fat girls are so unhealthy!” That’s not the point or the issue at hand, you can be just as unhealthy as a thin person, but I guess because someone is bigger, everyone becomes an undocumented doctor giving out unwanted advice.

    Most of the women commenting on here are currently trying to losing weight, but what about a size 24 or 28 woman who has no desire to lose weight and is perfectly happy with how she looks?

    Some of these comments were borderline offensive making a laundry list of why they can’t possibly believe someone would find a fat woman attractive. “But fat people have rolls, saggy boobs, double chins, big bellies, rubbing thigh! Eww, who would want that!?”

    I say to the person who made this comment, “So the hell what?!” I have all those things and still love my body and have had men who still desire me. Does having those things make me less of a person and undeserving of love and physical pleasure?

    You wouldn’t like it if someone made that comment about a woman of color so why do you think it’s ok to talk about a fat woman or man in this matter, I suggest you educate yourself some more before you comment about this issue again.

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    Kema wrote: “What I find most amusing is that these same females that are overweight are not looking at overweight men themselves.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Exactly and I’d previously mentioned the same thing!

    I’d an idea it wouldn’t be acknowledged since doing so reveals the hypocrisy, weakens many arguments and is not conducive to garnering sympathy, empathy or support. But whether it’s acknowledged or not is irrelevant since people see the truth, regardless, that many extremely overweight and obese females and males don’t date, or aren’t attracted to, other extremely overweight and obese females and males.

    They exercise their right to have a preference for smaller, muscular and healthy-sized mates, and/or be repulsed by those of their size of the opposite sex, yet attempt to demonize others as ‘shallow’ and ‘superficial’ for also having preferences (particularly and especially when others’ preferences excludes them) or being repulsed.

    I respect and applaud anyone currently exercising, controlling their portion sizes, eating healthier foods and getting their weight and health in check and, IMO, doing those things are the true indicators of self-love or loving self and valuing one’s ‘temple’. As Emelyne wrote, this is the one and only body a person will ever have and failing to take care of it makes no sense and speaks volumes.

    I disregard stories claiming the ability to ‘outlast/perform hordes of thinner chicks at the gym’ and the usual convenient anecdotes tossed in about some 350 lb. friend or cousin that is supposedly healthy, consumes daily servings of bean sprouts and tofu meatloaf, and easily runs a 7 minute mile; I see right through that and see it for what it is.

    Exceptions don’t change the rules, exceptions don’t change the rules, exceptions don’t change the rules, oh, and, exceptions don’t change the rules! Bringing up thin unhealthy individuals is merely a deflection technique and – at the end of the day – the body count and cold hard facts speak for themselves and less than 1,000 Americans die per year of illnesses related to anorexia or bulimia as opposed to the 365,000 Americans that die per year as a result of obesity-related illnesses …so any line about obesity not being unhealthy is pure bunk and no data linked from some biased and irresponsible ‘fat acceptance’ website can change this!

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    SmileMoreItWontHurt wrote: “Diabetes is not beautiful and obesity is not sexy. Am I the only one who thinks this way?”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Nope, you’re not the only one and you are right. “Diabetes is not beautiful” and neither is the fact that at least 20,000 African Americans get a limb amputated every year as a result.

    AAs are twice as likely to be diagnosed with type II diabetes, suffer kidney failure, have lower extremity amputations and die from it at a rate 27% higher than whites. Now, what are the risk factors associated with diabetes?

    Obesity (80% of AA females are overweight or obese which is the highest rate compared to other groups), heart disease and high blood pressure (which AA adults are 40% more likely to suffer and is exacerbated by obesity), high cholesterol (exacerbated by poor diet choices) etc.

    There’s an elephant in the room at 80% with lives and limbs on the line yet – somehow – any push or encouragement to be proactive and cease ‘normalizing’ and OK’ing detrimental conditions and behaviors is offensive, hurting other’s feelings etc. …in.san.i.ty!!!

  • http://bigdivahq.com Ms. Pillowz

    Concern trollism at it’s finest right here. Gold star for Akai! Yay!

    The reason that the statement that big girls don’t date big guys has been overlooked in this discussion is because it is a BLANKET STATEMENT and not really a relevant point. Personally I’m an equal opportunity type of girl. I’ve dated dudes with bodies like 50 and Rick Ross and in between. I don’t have a preference in that regard, no, not quite true. I actually prefer bigger guys. I also have a preference in how I am treated and how compatible I am with a guy, but that’s another topic.

    “Obesity related illness”? And what are they? Aids, cancer, MS? *eye roll* You mean to tell me that only overweight people contract these “obesity related illnesses” that you speak of? Word? Here’s some reading for you: http://kateharding.net/faq/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/ and http://obesitysurgery-info.com/obesitykiller.htm. But of course, since one is a link to a fat acceptance website and the other sites scientific experiments, that dispute your version of facts, then they can’t possibly be correct.

    And by the way, in one paragraph you laud someone who is trying to take care of themselves, but in the very next paragraph you come for the person who is doing those same things you just commended, simply because she is able to workout harder and longer than some thin women. Somehow or another, this is where you have a problem, because apparently, it can’t possibly be true. Fat people aren’t just fat, but they’re stinking liars too, I suppose. Love how you show your “concern”. Very noble of you.

    Ms. Pillowz

  • Bonnie

    ahhh….the infamous “im not fat…im just big boned” thoery haha.not dissin anyone but if your over 300 pound.ur fat!

  • Bilt4Cmfrt

    Yeah, you right. Except, yah know, where your wrong. Specifically? That ’300,000 obesity related deaths’ number that STILL gets dropped despite the fact that the CDC, the people who fronted it back in ’05, turned out to be not so good at that math thing. See ’cause, they overestimate the Obesity Death Rate by at least 14 times. Pretty much that YEAR it Statistics Professor pointed out that the rate of death presumed to be caused by obesity related illness was more like 25,814 A lot lower than the CDC’s stated 365,000 and, by the way, pretty much statistically insignificant. The CDC issued a correction indicating that they had miscalculated on the Way Down Low, without fanfare or news coverage and on the bottom side of page 6 under the obits. The results? People are still quoting the original, WRONG, number today and every month we get some NEW study trying to link rabies deaths, finger nail cancer, or some other such nonsense to obesity. Studies what get all that Grant Money cheese backed right up. Make no mistake; Folks is getting paid, for definite.

    I ain’t looking to convince you. You’ve obviously already bought stock in the, Obesity Epidemic, hype parade and all of it’s attendant distractions. No, this is for all the folk who read, hear, and see nothing but proclamations of death & doom from all the very interested parties in re; Fat (Diet Industry=$60Billion cold & hard. News Media=Lives on panic) and may have started thinking they need to do anything necessary to get ‘healthy’. Including hurting themselves in the name of getting ‘thin’.

    See, ’cause ‘Thin’ =/= ‘Healthy’. Healthy=Healthy. This includes Fat+exercising+eating well-losing weight. You can disregard all the anecdotia you like. It won’t stop fat, healthy, people from living their lives nor will it stop us from advocating and advising that yes; It is possible to be fat AND healthy. As for your ‘Rules’? Your right. There are no exceptions to the Rules because Mama Nature made the Rules. Rule # 1? Everything Dies Eventually. No amount of super spin yoga cycle or rarefied wheat-grass milk is gonna make anybody live 4ever. She also made human bodies in a whole variety of shapes, lengths, colors, sizes and weights. You don’t like any one or combination? Don’t try to get wit it. You should also try not getting all heated if, say, that one or combination ain’t to interested in getting wit YOU. it’s a PREFERENCE, not a conspiracy.

    This comment brought to you by a healthy, fat, black, MALE who would rather THINK when told to panic and has no problems with a Lil’ sista’ if she ain’t interested. Or a Big sista’ if she is.

  • Wouterra

    Alright, I’ve to to put in my two cents here.

    I’ve been hearing this notion that “Fat women don’t like fat men, of course they are alone if they expect to have fit/skinny man”.

    I have been fat all my life. When I was young I never considered the notion of dating a skinny guy. I felt like I had to stay with my kind. Funny thing was, most of the fat men I’ve met over the years aren’t attracted to me. You know who is? Fit athletic skinny men, I was confused at first but that’s just how it works out. I realized I liked some of them too once I gave myself permission.

    The man I love, the man I’m with now is a touch shorter than me and weighs half as much as me and there is nothing wrong with that.

  • http://BigDivaHq.com Ms. Pillowz

    Very nicely put, Bilt4Comfort! :-)

  • bob

    if your fat and have rolls and a double chin and dimples in your stomach and flap hanging off you arms how are you expecting to be called attractive by the masses of men get over yourself and appreciate the men that love your body type and except the fact that other men do not find your body type attractive stop trying to force yourself on people this is simple biology, man finds fit woman attractive, man does not find obese woman attractive. Thats life. Women have standards and so do men.

  • Emelyne

    @Bod: I’m glad it’s a man leaving this comment. I am a married woman with a very tall husband and even before him, I never dated short men. I am too tall to look down (literally) on a man. Height isn’t even something you can really control, which is why when certain men did not want to be with me because I was too thin, too tall, or even because I was black, I was never offended. No one can shame someone else out of or into personal preferences. People want what they want. Many men, as you said, love large women, so big women need to understand that, just like with criteria, you can’t please everyone.

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    I’m pretty sure I was addressing Kema but “Concern trollism?” You really wanna go there with the name-calling because, trust, you can get that and snark right back. …others have a right to their own opinions and if you don’t like it, don’t read them!

    Bilt4Cmfrt wrote: “Yeah, you right. Except, yah know, where your wrong. Specifically? That ’300,000 obesity related deaths’ number that STILL gets dropped despite the fact that the CDC, the people who fronted it back in ’05, turned out to be not so good at that math thing. See ’cause, they overestimate the Obesity Death Rate by at least 14 times. Pretty much that YEAR it Statistics Professor pointed out that the rate of death presumed to be caused by obesity related illness was more like 25,814 A lot lower than the CDC’s stated 365,000 and, by the way, pretty much statistically insignificant. The CDC issued a correction indicating that they had miscalculated…”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I’ll concede their error as the number was originally miscalculated at 400,000 400,000 and adjusted down to 365,000. A subsequent study controlling for other factors placed the number at 112,000 per year as a result of obesity but, then again, there is dissent as some scientists/researchers think the estimate too low or conservative and others disagree.

    None of that changes the fact that certain conditions are lethal but do what you like and eat yourself into oblivion, if you choose, since it’s a free country.

  • http://www.lovebrownsugar.com LoveBrownSugar

    Honestly, I’d have to say (as a girl who’s been plus size pretty much all my life) that I didn’t really find the dating scene to be that much harder. There are ALOT of men out there who actually prefer thicker women. I think it really just boils down to exuding confidence. If you believe your beautiful and give off the “I know I’m fly” vibe, inevitably the right man will find you

  • http://[email protected] Reece

    I just happened upon your site. As an african ameican Man, I seem to be a little perplexed at how many of you sister’s view yourselve’s. If no on else put’s it down to you, let me tell you that your Attractiveness is compared to no other on this earth. You are jewels that can not be constucted and shaped in what america defines as the typical women getting a man. Keep you…..and keep your head out of the news, network, and tv describing their theory on what real beauty is. You are full figured ,beautiful, anointing and wonderful in every way so…accept it, show it,…..and watch what happens.

  • Ahmad

    Akai, I hear you, bro. I’m a brotha on the large side workin it out. Dated small and heavy. Obesity is an epidemic in our communities and as we get older they will definitely take their toll. Like most brothers, I like some thick curves, but ain’t nuthn wrong aesthetically with a six pack either! Lets nix Red Lobster for the gym; cut the club for a 10K. I rarely–no, never see sistaz jogging outside or rarely on the treadmill next to me. Lets stop the excuses and make it happen. Don’t do it for a man. Do it 4 yourself.

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    “Bro?” I’m 5’8″, 130-35 lbs. and all female!

  • sloane

    okay, then you’re not looking because i work out 3-5 times a week and notice plenty of black women jogging in the park or working out at the gym i used to go to ( i changed gyms, and am one of a few poc). there are plenty of black women who are health concious. let’s not stereotype.

  • Bilt4Cmfrt

    Agreed SMIWH, it does say something when we see a big woman who cares enough about her appearance too look good. It says ‘She’s taking care of herself’. Or, ya know, it sez she’s doing what she wants, eatin’ what she wants, BEING what she wants. Two things folks who get all ‘concerned’ about somebody else’s weight never seem to realize / ask themselves-

    1) Unless you are Dr. Psychic Tarrot Card with the power of X-ray vision, you CANNOT tell how healthy or unhealthy ANYBODY is just by looking at them. Researchers with 20 years of human physiology with 20 years of study under their belts can’t do it and neither can you.

    2)Why is it that what someone else looks like, suddenly becomes EVERYBODY’S business just because their fat? What makes it yours? (Please don’t come with the usual shuffle and jive about healthcare drain. The statistical numbers games played to make that fantasy seem real fall apart so easily under the weight of their own illogic, it’s not even worth talking about.)

    @Emelyne Agreed as well. Here’s the difference between what I believe and what it sounds like your saying here; In a perfect world EVERYBODY (Fat, thin, able bodied, disabled, healthy, unhealthy) would place a priority on their healthy. However, like a lot of people, you seem to think that loosing weight is the Holy Grail of getting healthy. Umm, not necessarily. If any, ONE, thing can be said to have caused the increased in adult weight in this country (It certainly ain’t an ‘epidemic’ and I doubt that any one thing CAN be solely attributed. Fat ain’t that simple.) it would be Dieting. Or Fad diets and Yo-yo dieting. Most of those folks are NEVER gonna be thin. But they CAN be healthy. Lets not get so caught up in the wide-bak Brah’ who’s primary exercise is Xbox, that we completely ignore the rail thin Sistah’ who eats nothin but cheetos & diet pepsi all, damn, day.

    @Akai / SMIWH Y’all sound like my G’Ma. She used to call Diabetes ‘Gettin’ the Sugar’. ‘Cause that’s what we used to think CAUSED diabetes. Truth is, we don’t know all that much more about what causes diabetes than we did when she was callin’ it The Sugar. There’s an important concept y’all should learn; correlation DOES NOT equal Causation. If the price of beans can be correlated to the Lakers scoring average for 2010 and the bean market crashes at the end of the basketball season, the crash can be CORRELATED to the Lakers losing the championship. Don’t mean the Lakers CAUSED a crash in the Bean market. Diabetes, heart disease, stroke, several forms of cancer, and a whole HOSTS of other medical BS have been CORRELATED to obesity. Startin’ to get this?

    But here’s another question. Even if it was. Even if no skinny person EVER got diabetes and obesity was proven to causal. What, exactly are you gonna do about it? Tell me ONE weight-loss scheme, plan, powder, philosophy, drug (They just pulled yet ANOTHER diet drug, Meridia, off the market cause it causes heart damage), that has EVER proven to work, even, most of the time. Diets don’t work (95% fail and re-gain the orig weight + more within 5 years. That a 5% success ratio.), surgery is dangerous and can be life altering in all sorts of unpleasant ways. So I guess that leaves shame and blame. Make being fat a moral issue and blame obese people for their shameful conditions. Yeah, why not? It’s never worked before, so lets just give that another shot.

    Or maybe y’all could just handle ya’own biz and nevermind anybody else’s. . . Nah, that’d never work.

  • Ahmad

    Akai oops..sorry about. Ain’t been here in awhile..lol. Sloane I see some sistaz 40ish/50+ here and there. But on the whole in DC and in NYC I do not see many. Obviously, I don’t know every black woman in the world but on the whole this is what I observe.

    I just caught that two page response up there….Facts are facts. Everyone must come to deal with them in his/her own time….Or choose not to. No excuses!

  • chinaza

    I’ve been slim throughout my life and I have to agree that men of all types generally have a preference for slim women.A lot of hurtful things are said and done to overweight women.
    Yet some women actually believe that they can keep a man with t&a and “thickness”. Delusion.
    We all have to be more than a dress size.
    It’s necessary to lose weight if needed but the real baggage has to be dropped from our mentality and our personality in terms of any negativity which keeps us unhappy and unfulfilled.

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    Emelyne wrote: “…I never dated short men. …No one can shame someone else out of or into personal preferences. People want what they want.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    We’re >>here<< my husband is 6'2" and I never dated a guy under 6'.

    I've always had a non-negotiable weakness for 6-packs too (I know, can't help it) and preferred men that were as into sports, being outside and doing a lot of the things I enjoy (running, biking, rock-climbing, skiing, wind-surfing, water-skiing etc.). I never found overweight men attractive physically or mentally as it's indicative of a lack of discipline and not caring enough about one's body to take care of it — both of which have always been huge turn-offs to me.

  • Emelyne

    @Bilt4Comfort: You may disagree with me, but please don’t presume to put words in my mouth. I never said that thinness was the epitomy of health or that weight lose equalled health. i’ve said several times on this thread and others that a fat person can be healthy and possibly healthier than most thin people. Obesity is a totally different situation. Yes, there are obesity related illnesses. yes, they cause hundreds of thousands of deaths in this country alone EACH YEAR. yes, there is a problem when I see children half my age and height who are twice my weight. And no, pills, powders and theories do not work. Your reference to this just further makes my point of self-discipline. Exercise and healthy eating are the ONLY things that can make and keep a person healthy, long term. I have never advocated fad dieting.Like most Americans, you seem to be under the delusion that there is a magic pill and potion that will make up for most obese people’s complete lack of self-control and self-discipline. It’s become a crime to tell obese people that they are enormous because we will “hurt their feelings” but many of these baby whale sized folk are so quick to call a normal sized person to thin or anorexic and demonize people who actually do have the eating disorders of anorexia or bulimia, all the while being in denial to their own gluttony and laziness. Compulsive overeating (a very ignored but very real eating disorder) is the cause of most obesity. 80% of a person’s health and weight is based on diet, only 20% is due to exercise or lack thereof. Even if this is not the case obesity showcases an ignorance/apathy to healthy eating practices, laziness, lack of self-discipline, and oftentimes depression/self-hatred. Hypothyroidism can also cause obesity, but not often enough for 68% of Americans, mostly under the age of 40, to be obese. If anyone’s feelings are hurt, i’m talking to you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carol-N/1157910509 Carol N.

    And of course, this convo comes out to a “look guys, I’m being a good fatty!!” conversation by people. *eye roll* Of course, that’s expected, seeing as we STILL privilege thin bodies. Once again, thin privilege wins again, and fat people are thrown under the bus. As someone said earlier, nobody writes off a group of people out of nowhere. We have all been classically conditioned to see fat = unhealthy and thin = healthy. We can try to beat around the bush, give excuses, talk till we’re blue in the face about the “risks of obesity,” blahzeh frickin BLAH. Doesn’t change the fact that we have been trained to hate fat bodies. Somebody call me when HAES and body acceptance becomes the norm. In the meantime, I’ll take my obese black behind and live life the way I please.

  • mina

    The comments on here were so offensive, I wish Clutch would develop a commenting policy. To Bob and Akai, I may not be attractive in your narrow-minded view of beauty and I really don’t give a damn. This article and my comments are not about “forcing” someone to find me or any other fat woman you don’t like attractive.

    This article was about making sense and trying to find yourself in a world that sees you as less than and just asking for humanity and to be treated like person who has needs and desires but, I guess you two weren’t trying to understand any of this.

    You just wanted to come on here and rant about “Fatties are forcing their fatness down my throat!”

    While you two ignorant nitwits go on about how dare fat woman demand that they deserve respect, I’ll be walking my fat ass, rolls and all, down the street with my head up high.

    If I’m too much for ya, you can move out the damn way.

  • Ahmad

    Mina I just think that this is a sensitive topic. Thin folks don’t understand what heavier folks go through and never will. But the health facts are true, and our socialization is what it is. People come in many different sizes and there are attitudes, morays, and perspectives that are attached to everyone. If you feel your inside is as lovely as your outside, healthwise and spiritually sound, then live as you see fit. Generally, the black community is the “canary in the cave” when it comes to everything bad. If half of the country is overweight, then in the black community those percentages are off the chart from heart disease, high bp, to diabetes. But lets not kid ourselves here. We are talking aesthetics. Would you see a Denzel movie is he was 50 lbs heavier?

  • http://fullpleatherjacket.wordpress.com/ mina

    @Ahmad Actually I’m not a Denzel fan, he’s a great actor but I never understood why most women would kiss the ground he walks on. Plus, as long as he acts well in a movie his looks would make no difference to me.

    I think Anthony Anderson, looks wise, is a cutie pie and I wouldn’t mind dating someone who looked like him. This whole fat people wouldn’t date other fat people is simply not true. Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean that I only want to date fat men.

    It’s just sad because there was a total lack of nuanced in the comments on this article. Not everyone, but most of the comments, ugh.

  • http://fullpleatherjacket.wordpress.com/ mina

    Preach Sista!!

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    Look, Mina, I initially ignored your crap as you appear to think you can go off-topic about the ‘fat diva representation in the media’, which had absolutely “nothing to do with original piece,” yet had the nerve to turn around and try to police others by complaining about their comments.

    And, no, the author did not mention “health” in the article; however, the word was mentioned several times on the first page and this is not communist China. Oh boo hoo if you’re “annoyed” but readers have the right to respond to the commentary of others…and “ignorant nitwits?” Clutch does have a “commenting policy” so read it as it forbids the very type of personal attacks you leveled, and are you sure you want to start calling names? That’s easy and it could be done right back to you…worse!

    I try to stay away from that type of behavior as well as avoid addressing the silly antics of those who misrepresent what was actually written (i.e. questioning “how dare fat women demand that they deserve respect”) to position themselves as a victim. If you can’t accept the fact that people have different opinions and are entitled to share them (whether they ‘offend’ you or not), take ya @ss on to some ‘fat acceptance’ site that is ‘kinder and gentler’ and feeds you the lbs. of bullsh!t you want to hear.

    Moobs (man boobs), back fat, hanging guts, double chins etc. exist, point blank, and I’m not down with pee-cee-dee-cee mess and will call a spade a spade. I will not use lipomastia (moobs), excessive adipose tissue, visceral fat (big gut) or substitute any words to describe these things simply because an individual chooses to twist the mere stating of them into an ‘offense’.

  • Ahmad

    lol..Akai Well, I wouldn’t call being overweight a mental defect. For the big folks out there i got your back on that. We do mentally outweigh most of our leaner contenders :)…

    But my last word on this subject as per the article is that beauty is subjective in the black community. Fat ain’t healthy (superskinny ain’t all that cute either), but hell, what brutha cain’t resist them curves? And by the same token what doctor ain’t gonna give a too heavy man/woman the stank eye when the statistics are right there

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    Goodness Ahmad, I didn’t call it a “mental defect” either so don’t.make.me.pop.you! *smile* (Eagerly awaiting proof of this ‘mental outweighing’).

    I’ve always maintained that most men (of all races) prefer curvier toned bodies…and this does not include those who are simply fat/overweight and mislabel themselves “thick,” “plus-sized diva” or whatever delusional nonsense phrases employed to dress it up. Additionally, it’s always been my contention that self-empowerment (controlling the things within one’s own power) and health should be the priority — portion control, healthy food choices, nix the fast and processed foods and (for god’s sake) get off that @ss and exercise, exercise, exercise.

    It’s just that I’m proudly non-PC and won’t waste my time or keystrokes sugar-coating things as I find that dishonest as hell.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carol-N/1157910509 Carol N.

    Would I see Denzel in a movie 50 pounds heavier? YES I WOULD, just like I would pay to see any other actor/actress who could do their job well. Because contrary to mindset that has been shoved down our throats every single day, not all fat people are the unhealthy blobs of flesh with low self esteem, no hygiene skills, no social skills constantly apologizing to the world that they had the NERVE to take up space. The media refuses to allow fat people ANY sort of role that shows them to be multifaceted, complex individuals, ESPECIALLY fat women. I have yet to see ANY show that didn’t beat you over the head with the fact that the woman was fat and therefore it took a damn miracle for her to even HAVE any type of “normal” life.

    Lets cut the crap: We hate fat people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carol-N/1157910509 Carol N.

    You aren’t looking hard enough. I don’t use the treadmills, I use the elliptical because that’s more my speed. I work out on a regular basis, but of course, since I’m fat, I don’t mean anything. Because fat is SOOOOO BAD…

  • Smurf

    A lot of overweight women always claim not to have any issues with their size. But I often wonder-is this true? Or is it just an excuse NOT to get healthy?
    Star, JHud and countless others just show us what we already know, they are not comfortable in that body.
    I dont look at it from the point of view that fat women are ‘undesirable’ but the fact is being FAT is UNHEALTHY! Portion control (as another poster said) being active, and eating right- thats what they should be doing.

  • Smurf

    Well said.
    I am sick of the excuses. The fact is they just need to think about their health. I look around at the kids, and I’m sick to my stomach. Home cooked meals? A thing of the past. Portion control? What’s that?
    So if people don’t want to go the extra mile then so be it.
    And I totally agree with you…you don’t have to be a size 2 to be sexy. But my god people need to get healthy!

  • Melissa

    Thanks for the great article. Being fat is hard. I have been a size 16-18 since puberty, I have had kids, gained a little, lost some, but I still end up at this same place. I am sick and tired of hearing “it’s not healthy” as a reason to put someone down. It takes realizing that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are beautiful and worthy of love to really make a difference. But even then, with all the adjectives that I could use to describe myself, like, smart, witty, funny, brave and even flirty, fat always has to come first.

    That being said, I realize that I have no idea what it is like to be a fat black woman, I don’t see why it is necessary to put down the white fat girls in order to make a point. I understand that some of the problems are different, with many of the black men who like curvier women dating the fat white girls, we still share the same pain and problems. We should work together to support each other, because it is a cruel world out there.

  • LowSlash

    As a fat woman, I appreciate that this article touches on a topic that is near and dear to my heart. However, I don’t see how telling insecure women that their lack of confidence is what makes them unattractive is going to help them. Confidence is not a switch that can be turned on or off at will; it requires a lot of hard work, especially when one is working against cultural and/or societal standards.

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  • lulu2u

    Fat is unattractive and everyone has a right to their opinion. I also don’t like how big girls rag on smaller women but if you point out how fat they are they get offended. Please be able to take it as well as you dish it for those who do. Also calling people shallow because they refuse to be buried beneath 300 pounds or more seriously? It’s not shallow it’s about staying alive.

  • lulu2u

    lol Bonnie I agree if you are over 300 you are not curvy, big boned, a little extra, you are just plain fat. As long as people lie to themselves they will continue to lie to others.

  • Emelyne

    Thank. You. Fat women like to lie to themselves a lot about being “curvy”, but fat and obesity usually hide curves until the person just looks like a human lump. And it was always fat girls who ccalled me scrawny and boney and even spread rumours of me being bulimic in high school out of jealousy. i am naturally thin and I played varsity soccer, of course that would keep me thin! One day, when I called the Heavyweights ringleader out on being a fat, jealous bitch, I was the one reprimanded by the principal for hurting her feelings! And yes, it is all about aesthetic appeal and survival: there a YouTube vid of a court case in which a 300 lb. woman sat on her bf’s chest and crushed him to death. Even worse, she only got 3 years probation, no jail time.

  • Aya

    I come from a part of the world where majority of women are surprisingly skinny, which leaves my size 12 body looking enormous in comparison. I’m otherwise quite attractive, I believe, but in my whole life there have been just a couple of guys able to look past the belly and take me out on a date allured by my nice rack and pretty hair. Can it be true, that body fat makes girls invisible? I sure feel that way.

  • Ahmad

    Wow. This topic is STILL on fire. I lost ten pounds since it was published (smile).

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  • Craig

    This is ridiculous. Why not work on losing all that gross fat? I think you wont because it’s difficult. Fat people often take the path fo least resistance.

    Fat is gross. Period! There is nothing you can say or do that will make it less so. It’s unhealthy. Who wants a woman that in a few years will have trouble walking. Back problems, digestions issues, type 2 diabetes. You are at risk for everything simply because you are too lazy to watch your portions and too excercise. This is ridiculous.

    It almost infuriates me that anyone would “glorify” being obese. Argh!

  • Emelyne

    Why care enough to take the initiative to exercise and eat right to lose weight when ocese people can simply bully others into saying that they are still good looking and get away with constantly comparing weight discrimination to racism (as if their weight, like race, is completely out of their control)? The best part is, they can accuse thin people of being vain and coceited for caring about their body and rejecting them and also spreading rumors that any normal weight person has an eating disorder. The cherry on top is that they’ll defend this artery-clogging fat with their last dying breath.

  • Craig

    You know what else requires hard work and would help their confidence? Not being fat…

  • http://www.nappilyevahaftah.net Tlynnsmith

    Sorry I’m so late on this one…

    I used to be fat…a long time ago. I will never, ever go back. I don’t care if “fat” becomes the “new skinny”. Forget “men” and “dates” for a minute. Men were not the primary deciding factor, when I chose to take off the excess pounds.

    I got tired of going shopping all around town, trying to find a business suit to wear to work. For a long time, Lane Bryant seemed think that all fat girls do is…eat and sit at home, watching soap operas. We don’t actually…work. So, trying to find anything that didn’t look “old church lady” or “picnic party” was a daunting task. Even now, most of the plus-size clothes are very matronly, and unflattering. I’m 47, and I wouldn’t wear any of it.

    I got tired of spending a whole day, going from store to store, trying to find ONE skirt to wear. I got tired of my friends being able to grab all the deals at the Sak’s outlet, while I left empty handed. I remember sittin’ in a fitting room, crying hysterically, because everything I tried on looked awful. Being fat was breaking my soul, and I was tired.

    Now, back to being fat and dating: First off, I’m not buying for one minute the, “I’m so happy to be fat!” thing. Can’t. I’ve heard way too many conversations with plus-size women to know that if 98% of them could wake up one day, and not be fat (and stay that way), without having to “do” anything, they’d choose to…not be fat. All the clowning on skinny/slender women (not in the article, just in life period) is off point, as well….and very telling. Because when you’re truly happy about who you are, you don’t have to make less-than-flattering remarks about “the others”.

    There are some men who “love” fat women. But they’re not a dime a dozen, and you’re going to have to go past a lot of men who don’t love fat women, to get to the some who do. Plus, a lot of men do think “fat girls” are easy..they’re just happy to be on a date. Nothing wrong with having confidence, but life is hard and folks aren’t always kind.

    Finally, I knew “fat” was not me. It wasn’t about not loving myself. It was about loving myself enough to know I could do and be…better.

  • Jojo

    That you are happier not being fat does not mean other fat women can’t be happy being fat. Not all fat women clown skinny chicks, this fat chick doesn’t (I never have seeing that I have skinny cousins and I know they too have body image issues). I like my body, I’m not in denial at all.

  • http://www.nappilyevahaftah.net Tlynnsmith

    There’s a difference between being happy fat, and being happy TO be fat. If you’re happy to be fat, then good for you. But I still believe you’re part of a minority.

    All women have body issues…fat and skinny…and average.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carol-N/1157910509 Carol N.

    Fat people should work to improve their self image, improve their self worth, and invest in health at every size. Ignore people who will not like you and go for people who will. There will always be people who will try to bully you to make you believe you are unattractive. Ignore them. They are a source of negativity that you don’t need. Fat men and women can and do live life to the fullest. Fuck the haters and do you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carol-N/1157910509 Carol N.

    It’s good to find safe spaces that can allow folks to cultivate and grow. I know HAES was a place that allowed me to come to terms with a lot of my esteem issues, as well as some unhealthy habits I had.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carol-N/1157910509 Carol N.

    Of course it will. Because fat people can’t have anything positive come their way. Not unless they lose weight. smh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carol-N/1157910509 Carol N.

    Well said Casey. I’d also recommend HAES. Health at every size. It focuses on bringing a well rounded health maintenance plan to fruition, without the feeling guilty for being size X or Y.

  • zora

    Some of the people on here sound real stupid and arrogant. First of all…about fat women not really being happy. Someone said that if a fat woman could just wake up one day without having to do anything and just stay that way she would. Well obviously if thats the case then maybe she is choosing to be able to eat whatever she wants to and not excericise over being hungry and tired just to look”cute”. Sounds like a fair exchange to me.

    If fat women must be unhappy because they dont fit societies ideal of attractive then guess what? skinny women are probably also unhappy because they have to restrict themselves from eating what they really want and go sweat at the gym when they would rather we watching tv or chatting on the phone/online with friends.

    So bottom line is that its a trade off either way just like everything in life. Get it? Some people are more happy being able to eat whatever they want and not excercise whereas others are more happy sacrificing eating whatever they want and going to the gym when they dont feel like it to be “cute”. As far as men go there really are plenty of women out there that are just fine with a “hit it and quit it” type cause thats all they want from the man too. Also there are men that genuinely do like fat women.

  • D

    Personally, I gain happiness when I strive to become a better person and ‘improve’ myself.

    When a fat girl uses the ‘I am happy the way I am’ logic, instead of hearing someone who is confidant and accepting, I see someone who is very stubborn and defeatist. I’d rather date a person who acknowledges that yes – there are things about me that need improvement – and strive to become a better person.

    If you demand others to accept your fatness, what else will you demand? Will you demand that others accept your right to be a smoker? A cheater?

    There are certain things that are not right. Accept that, and work towards creating a better version of you – now THAT’s attractive.

  • Cdawg

    You fat women are looking for the right guy. But lets see you give a fat guy with a great personality a chance. You wouldnt look twice. Your hypocritical and worthless.

  • Jarrod

    Waaah! Waaah! Another undesirable fat woman attempting to guilt-trip men into lowering our (natural) standards to cut fat women a break. Really, it’s simple: take care of yourself and take pride in ALL of your appearance and dating will be a snap. Continue to look like the prize winning hog at the State fair and continue to be single, undesired, or forever getting attention from broke-ass, loser-ass, lame-ass men. That’s the way of the world. Deal with it. Obesity is a CHOICE and a direct reflection of your character so if a man doesn’t want that reflection associated with him, take it as a hint. Geez….

  • Craig

    Fat women ARE not attractive. It’s not bullying to point out this fact.

  • MNMORI

    The problem is, most people associate “health” with being smaller when that is total bull. So you don’t like fat women, big whoop. But don’t you dare sit there behind your screen and tell someone to “take care of yourself” when what you really mean is “lose some weight so that you can be aesthetically pleasing to me.”

  • BlackLaddieBrett1953

    FAT BROADS OF EVERY RACE,CREED AND COLOUR DO NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY INTEREST ME!!!

  • JT

    I’m a white male in my 30s. I frankly don’t know any societal stereotype suggesting black women are less desirable than white women. Perhaps maybe there is but frankly I think you’re exaggerating. Life as a heterosexual man has shown me there are hotties in every race. There are black chicks that are DROP DEAD SEXY!!!

  • http://www.largerlover.co.uk larger lady

    Inspirational post, thank you x

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  • Sebastian

    Here is the point of view from a guy. I absolutely will not date a girl that is overweight. Am I vain? Am I shallow? I would think none of the above. I keep myself in shape, not out of vanity, but out of necessity. It’s a question of values. I keep myself healthy because others depend on me and care about me (i.e. significant other, family, kids, etc…). When a person cannot take care of themselves, how can I expect them to take care of anything else in their life? They can rant and rave online for hours at a time yet not take 30 MINUTES out of the day to exercise? You have to eat the whole plate? Even if you continued eating what you are eating (which probably is not healthy), and you cut your portions in half, I bet you would lose some weight. To me it is a mismatch of values, plain and simple. Yes, adjusting to eating healthy food IS HARD, but like they say: Nothing tastes better than thin. It’s ridiculous that people are calling obesity a disease. Apparently only Americans are capable of catching said disease. It’s not a disease. It’s a lack of willpower and a lack of care for themselves and others that care about them.

  • nak muay

    You ignorant swine. just because you have a problem with weight doesn’t mean you have to spread your hate to others. Of course you don’t think you’re shallow, i’m surprised you can think at all, refusing to date a girl simply because of her weight? That’s the definition of shallow. Ever considered that being skinny actually has MORE health dangers than being overweight? Yes its more prevelant, but more people die of bulemia and anorexia than die of obesity.
    If it were as simple as eating less then the world wouldn’t be in the state it is. Not surprisingly I’m an overweight female. what may surprise you is that I was a superfit athlete for years, but it turns out exercise isn’t always the answer. Especially when it damages you so completely you become disabled, overweight and have to live each day facing loudmouths like yourself judging before getting the facts.
    My point? I’d rather be fat than afraid. I pity you.

  • Eric Niles

    Try this on for size. I am not attracted to large women. Now, before you jump on the “you’re so shallow” bandwagon, bear in mind the following.

    I do not get aroused looking at a large woman. Don’t you dare tell me who or what body shapes I should or should not be attracted to. It’s called having a preference.

    Now, can I imagine dating this sweetheart of a woman but not being physically attracted to her? Absolutely not. Physical intimacy is a part of dating and not something I’m about to give up.

    I am specifically directing my comments to all those larger women who chastise men for not wanting to date obese women. If you noticed, I did not insult your weight. So reread if you have an inferiority complex. Secondly, I am fully aware of the multitude of reasons why men & woman can have difficulty losing weight.

    So nak muay, grow up and recognize that we’re all individuals with unique preferences. You’re the ignorant one and have much learning to do.

  • Femme Forte

    Sebastian: Ok, so you can have your preferences but tell me why does having one preference mean having to malign or attack someone else? Why would you presume that someone who is large sized doesn’t exercise? Many of us do and are STILL large. There are lot of thin women who don’t exercise. They are thin because they live on cigarettes and coffee and increasingly, crystal meth. Their teeth will look like hell and they’ll be psycho, but you’d still pick someone one thin over someone who may have a few extra pounds but who might actually be a nicer person? *smh*

  • Logic

    @Femme Forte: Wow. What a hypocrite you are! First you scold Sebastian for “maligning” fat women then turn around and claim that thin women are thin because of a diet of “coffee, cigarettes, and crystal meth”? B!tch, please! You can SAY that fat women exercise until you are blue in the face, but gym memberships and attendance, hell even sidewalk attendance in the form of running or walking, say otherwise. Also, NO AMOUNT of exercise can cause weight lose if the person still eats too much fat and carbs and does not know and/or practice proper nutrition. The truth is, most thin women are thin because they exercise, eat well, and practice portion control. But I guess you prefer living in denial because if you admitted the truth to yourself, you might actually have to be held accountable for how enormous you are. Please, kick rocks. better yet: Hit the treadmill.

  • Femme Forte

    Well, personally I think women thin and fat should steer clear of you. It’s obvious to me you’re only after one thing, and don’t see women as anything but a sex object.

  • Femme Forte

    Logic: I’m not being a hypocrite. I’m merely mentioning the truth. Apparently it’s an “inconvenient truth” that some of you mysogynistic fat haters don’t want to hear. It is a fact that thin doesn’t always equal healthy. It’s also a fact the abuse of methamphetamines has risen in the USA, and do you know why the use of meth is higher in women than men? Because of the pressure to get and stay thin! Women are KILLING themselves with cigarettes, caffiene, drugs and eating disorders in order to have the dubious privilege of dating some selfish jerk whose love is conditional. Too bad you can’t handle the truth. Another truth is that a woman can be large size, yes even obese and still be healthy and fit! I happen to be one of those women, so don’t tell me to hit the treadmill. I already exercise in ways that are fun and healthy for me. Plus I don’t smoke or drink or use drugs, nor do I have an eating disorder. My diet is partial vegetarian because of my religion. My doctor says I’m doing fine so don’t presume because I’m not 120 lbs I’m not healthy.

  • JoMama

    There was once a time when Black men preferred a bigger woman over a thin one. When I was in high school (1970s), I knew gals who got blown off for being “too skinny.” Nowadays, it seems like the Black men have become very self-loathing and will ignore the sistas while falling over themselves trying to get white skinny girls with long blonde hair over anyone else. Too bad. Even most thin Black women are still bigger than most white girls. They can’t help it. It’s bone structure.

  • Logic

    @Femme Forte: ” It is a fact that thin doesn’t always equal healthy.” Yes, but being obese is NEVER healthy.
    “It’s also a fact the abuse of methamphetamines has risen in the USA, and do you know why the use of meth is higher in women than men? Because of the pressure to get and stay thin! ” This is actually not true at all. Methamphetamines are most popular with college kids because of the stress and pressure of their course load, which men have a easier time adjusting to then women. It’s nice to see you inferring what you want to be true, though.
    ” Women are KILLING themselves with cigarettes, caffiene, drugs and eating disorders in order to have the dubious privilege of dating some selfish jerk whose love is conditional.” I see women of ALL sizes smoking daily; if cigarettes made people thin, there’d be no fat smokers, period. Same with coffee. Also, compulsive overeating IS an eating disorder as well and far more people have that eating disorder. You can pretend all you want but OBESITY and obesity related illnesses are the NUMBER ONE killer in the U.S.
    “Another truth is that a woman can be large size, yes even obese and still be healthy and fit!” This is an absolute lie. A women who is obese and an woman who is severely underweight/emaciated are in the same boat: unhealthy. Please, stop lying.

    I flat out do not believe that you are obese and healthy or that you eat well and exercise because I am a nutritionist, my husband is a personal trainer and I see the fruits of proper nutrition and exercise on a daily basis. Most women who are obese like yourself feel deprived when told not to cook with oil, to eat 4-6 small meals a daily and actually break a sweat for one hour daily and THAT is the real reason they are still fat.

    It’s funny, how coffee, cigarettes, drugs and eating disorders are the reasons you give for why women are fat when these things are more prevalent than ever and women are now FATTER than they’ve ever been and women were much, much thinner in decades past. You sound so ridiculous.

  • Femme Forte

    *raising hand* Same here! I’m 51, weight fluctuates between 225 and 245. Except for uterine fibroids and anemia my doc says my health is good. I walk everywhere (no car), and I do Hawaiian Hula and Middle Eastern dance. So I definitely get my exercise. Plus I have a partial vegetarian diet most of years as I am an Orthodox Christian. It blows my mind how many people who come online and say incredible rude and untrue things about obese people, but if one challenges them with facts about how some thin people aren’t healthy, they get mad and accuse you of being a hypocrite! In the past 10 years I’ve never missed a day of work due to ill health, but yet there are people who are younger and thinner than I am who seem to catch every bug that comes down the pike, plus they have all those crazy allergies, celiac, gluten intolerance, etc. I’d rather have the weight I am and be able to enjoy life (even if I remain a ‘dateless wonder’ lol) than be thin and have to deal with some of the miseries some of them have or wind up in a relationship with a jerkoff who makes his love conditional on the numbers on the scale or my dress size! Finally, most of the haters are full of it! I’ll be in real-time their girlfriends are fat. I see plenty of fat women out there who have boyfriends and husbands. Some of those guys talks smack online but in the real world? Please….

  • Femme Forte

    Exactly!

  • Femme Forte

    Size 2 perspective: you need to get off this page. No one wants to hear you whine. Size 0′s and 2′s are all the rage right now, so don’t insult us with your 1st world problems.

  • Femme Forte

    Smurf: I’m sick of self-righteous people who accuse larger sized people of “making excuses” and then act like somehow fat people are supposed to answer to skinny re: their body size. It’s a personal matter between the person and their doctor, not the world.

  • Logic

    @Femme Forte: Are you seriously saying that because this woman is thin that she is not entitled to comment on this page? since when did size dictate freedom of speech? i hope you’re also aware that today’s size 2 was the 1960s’ size 6/7 and that sizes have been running larger to accommodate the feelings of the ever widening population. BTW: Being poor and obese is the TRUE first world problem.

  • LittleMissCantBeWrong

    Everyone needs to take a step back. I am a former fat girl. I wasn’t happy being fat. I will never claim that fat women can’t be happy; I know plenty of happy, confident fat girls. I just wasn’t one of them. So, I lost the weight. I dropped over 100 pounds and i have kept it off.

    Now, these guys here talking about how disgusting fat women are are cracking me up. See, I’ve known guys just like you. You’re the guys who wouldn’t give me the time of day when I was fat, but now that I’m thin you’re trying to holla. I’ve had the pleasure of turning down a couple of “men” who only became interested in me once I lost the weight. If I wasn’t good enough when I was fat, there’s no need to talk to me now. I’m still the same person on the inside.

    So to you guys who won’t date a fat girl, it’s your loss. She can always lose the weight, but you’ll still be ugly on the inside.

  • JackHammr

    Go be fat somewhere else. No one wants to date you because no one (worthwhile n NOT desperate) wants to have sex with fat women. Your excessive visceral fat squishes the (potential) fetus, ending up in far less than optimum outlooks on the childs health and development. Its INSTINCT. Not being shallow, not maligning, not doing anything but saying that almost every male human being on the face of the planet is instinctually repulsed at the thought of mating and being with a fat woman. Why? Because through evolution we’ve adapted to recognize that it is simply not worth the investment. You cant eat right you can’t live right you can’t even make healthy children… And you fatties sit there n call yourself women? You’re not a woman; you’re a freak of nature! Quit trying to get people to accept you. Face the music already, your excessive body fat makes you not acceptable. Plain and simple.

  • Adrianna Kelley

    i notice lots of black women are obese, and bitter bc black is already such a curse / ugly. Just shed tears into KFC bucket and empty those girl scout cookies right? Haha. I’m a girl, NOT black or fat, and mannnn these college black brothers hitting on me left n right asking me to dinner like they have no desire to rate their own. oh well, college girl and want a free meal and I don’t even have to do anything.

  • ashtakne

    Then why are you here Sebastian? Obviously none of us are looking for people like YOU, and you’re not looking for people like US, so why don’t you just go ahead an march on, find that fit lady you’re looking for and leave us to the good men still available. Quit wasting our time by thinking we give a damn about your opinion. Bye bye honey boo boo.

  • Kara

    First of all why are all these fat haters on this page? This was meant to uplift people and help people realize there isn’t only one look that is deemed beautiful. Secondly, for those people who are not black, not fat or have never been fat. STFU! You don’t know anything. How are you up here spouting false information which you have no facts or experience on? I have been “obese” for all of my life. But I am healthy, vibrant, and confident. I’ve never had trouble getting or keeping a man. That is because these BMI index were designed to conform to white standards. They do not measure a person’s bust, butt, or thighs. It just simply takes your height and your weight. If you compare a white and a black person who are both size 6 you can tell that a black woman is natural thicker by nature. Black women have fuller features including breast, butt, thighs, and even lips. That’s in our genetics.. sorry. That’s the way we were made. So of course we would natural be considered “fatter” because most scales don’t take that into account.

  • Kara

    You are dumb, simple, and probably can’t even keep a man because you are ugly in the inside and nobody can stand being around you. All these ignorant statements you just made show how dumb and racist you really are. You probably have never even been around much black people in your life and only get these silly ideas from the media. Also, those guys probably just hit on you because you have a pretty face… but good look with that because looks don’t last. Once they see through all that make-up the ugliness and shit that lies under it will be revealed. Prepare to be forever alone.

  • http://www.facebook.com/bayo.adegboyega Bayo Adegboyega

    the fact is you are not the same person on the inside, you obviously developed will power and courage to become healthy, which will only benefit you, the reason why very obese (not a little chubby) people arent praised or deemed attractive is because it says a lot about their character.

    how could i be with someone who didnt even care about their own home (body..we live in this body, it isnt us but its like taking care of a home)

  • mr52

    Wow alot of intense hate on this topic. I am not black, I am not a woman but I was once fat. After a lot of work,learning to eat right and stay active I no longer am fat…quite the opposite in that I am now extraordinarily fit. Once I got fit I thought I deserved a fit hot girl and it was all I would settle for. I dated quite a few and found a lot of crazy, annoying clingy superficial people. I somewhat recently decided what I truly deserve (fit or not) is a woman who is intelligent, confident, caring and loves me no matter what sizeshe wears. I gave someone a who didn’t fit my old standard a chance and found everything I had been missing while basically bring a shallow ass hole. Grow up look to the insideand you will be amazed how attractiveness someone can be even if they are a little thick…or even alot thick. Thank you for posting your article Tasha.

  • Kristina

    Are you married, Kara? The true test on whether or not you are attractive to a man is if you can get him to MARRY you.

    From what I have seen fat bitches may be at a disadvantage for SHALLOW men, but when they get men that can love them for what they have to offer on the inside, they get men that:

    1) won’t cheat
    2) won’t give them AIDS
    3) won’t have some type of mental illness
    4) won’t become alcoholics
    5) won’t FORCE you through threats and intimidation to become skinny.
    6) And will be concerned about YOUR sexual satisfaction, not theirs.

    The overly shallow man that has NO concern for a woman’s mind is the one that is an ass that cannot satisfy his woman in bed.

    And yes, idiots, I’m a fat girl that has lost 30 pounds. I’ve tried everything to lose more. Am I going to hate myself because I have fat on my body? No. I’m going to look to my HUSBAND who LOVES me and accept myself for whom I am.

    I have the volutupuous-fat body that men don’t like. Yeah… the body like Beyonce or Kate Winslet. And now I’m a little fat.

    Again, I’ve done all I can… the weight just won’t come off!

    But being that I am MARRIED, I must have something, because guess what… my MAN does love me!

  • Pseudonym

    TROLL ALERT!

    Don’t respond.

    Internet bullying is for losers. Ignore it and it will go away. (and, CLUTCH MODERATORS, can you DELETE nonsense like this? It’s obviously just posted her to aggravate and hurt people.)

  • Pseudonym

    If you don’t want to date an overweight woman, that’s cool. I’m a thin woman and would not date an overweight man HOWEVER, this post is NOT the time and place for you to make this stance. As posted above, overweight women get enough messages about why they shouldn’t feel good about themselves; can they have this ONE article to not be shamed, but be encouraged to feel confident and work to be comfortable and to confirm that whatever other people’s opinions are on their weight, they have the right to feel amazing?

    Yes, some people won’t date overweight people, but- guess what- some people will. I- for one- know some very happily engaged obese women. and THAT is the positive point of this article. It is unnecessary for you to drive in the fact that some people won’t date overweight women- don’t you think they already know that? Do you think they forgot and really needed that twenty millionth reminder at the end of this article?

    What positive energy can result from your comment?
    Think before you type.

  • Pseudonym

    hEY!!!!! Don’t let his anti-fat turn you into anti-thin! I weigh 104lbs and do not live on cigarettes and coffee or crystal meth. Don’t let a crazy hater turn you into a crazy hater.

  • Pseudonym

    Kristina: SO not true!

    Being obese isn’t going to protect you from getting cheated on. Some fat women are easily vicitimized by their husbands b/c they think they should be lucky anyone married a fat women. Others end up with men who no one would want to have sex with, so cheating’s not really an option for him- but if the opportunity presents itself… Some marry faithful men that wouldn’t cheat on them or a thin woman, had they married one.

    I don’t think the quality of marriage for a fat woman is any better than a thin woman.

  • Pseudonym

    I think you’re missing the parallel: she’s saying that starving yourself to death is just as bad as eating yourself to death- which is what a lot of obese women are doing.

  • http://gemsandmineraldiva.blogspot.com/ SuperDiva

    Many of you think fat people don’t care about their bodies. I’m overweight yet I do yoga every day, eat healthy and work out. Why am I overweight? It’s health reasons–thyroiad and hypoglycemia. I have to have a certian diet–mostly protein and iron just to keep my blood sugars normal.

    Stop judging us because we are bigger than the average person. If that 500ish pound person on Dr. Phill can be happily married with a husband who loves her, then so can a 200-ish pound–which really ISN’T fat at all.

  • Jen

    I am not Black.. but I am fat.. I find fat black girls a lot more attractive than fat white girls in my opinion so I always thought they had the upper hand.. In my life its hard for me to get a guy but anytime I see a bigger black lady around my size she has a man. I think it is probably how I present my self.. I tend to close my self off from people until I have known them for quite some time. I have major trust issues. But I have noticed with the guys that I have dated and have talked to.. Men are more reluctant to date fat chicks because of his overall image to his friends and family. They want to look good to their friends and others he is around. . and the only way to achieve that is to date a good looking thin woman. One guy I dated for a while decided he wanted to keep our relation ship behind closed doors because his father actually told him that he could do better and his parents didn’t like me because I was a big girl and his friends at school started to make fun of him because he was dating me and he couldn’t handle it.. I broke up with him because he was too worried about his self image.. I have come across this problem a couple of times and have done a bit of research and found that guys dating fat chicks has a lot to do with his own self esteem, how confident he is in him self.. and what kind of people he hangs around with.. So not only is it difficult for a fat chick to get a guy from a lot of guys not liking fat chicks but we also have loss to the fact that there are lots of other guys who wont date us just because of fear of their fam and friends not being happy with them.. its shitty that life has become so image base..

  • hot guy

    classically conditioned??

    go get an education. Its called natural instinct. Its called reproductive fitness. Youre fat? Then you dont have reproductive fitness, thats why men dont want you, plain n simple.

    Why dont normal, straight men wanna have sex with a hole in the wall? Or with other men? Or with farm animals?

    Because none of that sh*t will give us healthy offspring, thats why none of it gets us off. Same concept, same thing with a fat chick.

    Body acceptance… ppfft! get the f*** outta here lmao

    that’ll never happen

  • The Comment

    So in other words u hate women.

  • hot guy

    Thats absolutely revolting… your bodys trying to flush out the yeast infection you fat unhealthy pig.

    Now Im gonna puke…

  • wqerqwetqr

    honestly you really are a little on the heavy side. For you health you should try to lose weight. Obesity is nothing to be proud of. Speaking as a man, we find obese women almost universally unappealing, even if they have amazing personalities to make up for it…you’re likely to get friendzoned a lot and I’m sure you already have.

    yes. men are shallow. The same way women are turned off by short men, guys are turned off by fat chicks. At least if you’re fat there’s something you can do about it.

  • K

    Women’s bodies do not revolve around whether a man finds her sexually appealing. You are right; many men are shallow. They berate a woman for not looking or dressing the ways which they find “sexy,” and try to pass that off as a legitimate reason for them to change- to make men happy, not themselves. Whether they want to be skinny, chubby, or anything else is up to them alone, and should be based around their comfort level and heredity (e.g. if they grow up chubby/skinny even with a healthy diet and regular exercise). Women should not have to conform to men’s standards. They should be able to feel great in their own bodies and not have to worry about being shamed for being “anorexically skinny” or “unappealingly fat,” as men often try to argue. Women are beautiful just the way they are, and in all body types. Shallow men do not get to decide what people should look like based around what makes their penis happy.

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