Yes, I had to employ your government name because it is, in fact, that serious. Hey girl. *sighs* Where should I begin? Listen, I’d hate for you to think that this is coming from a place of negativity or making fun—because it’s not (well, not really anyhow). And I assure you that I speak for many confused fans and perplexed onlookers when I ask—Why? That hair? No, really? All jokes aside. What in the world is going on? This, Ms. Fenty, is an intervention. There’s no where you can run . . . No place to hide.
Look here, you’re a gorgeous girl! One of the most stunning in the game right now, no doubt about it. Your emergence on the scene was a pleasant surprise, and, my, have you come a long way since “Pon de Replay” (which I loved back then, but still). We’ve watched you blossom from an innocent island gal, probably held back at first by the constraints of being a new artist with limited creative control. But you’ve broken free to become a full blown style icon in the making! For that, you [and your very hard working team] should be most proud.
We’ve watched you experiment with your look, never scared to take a risk and perhaps ruffle some feathers. From shaving your head, to playing with all kinds of crazy colors, to tat-tat-tatting your whole body, and developing a harder edge. We’ve been here, rooting you on and seeking inspiration in your looks. Do you have any idea how much influence you’ve had on young girls across the globe? Can you imagine how many times a day a hairstylists’ clients come in talking about trying out a new style and dig in their purse only to reveal a cut-out picture of you and any one of your signature ‘dos? You just don’t know. And I won’t even begin to tell you how many ladies have emulated your ink. If I see one more damn “Shhh . . .” finger tattoo or Melissa’s birthdate (yes, the exact date) in roman numerals across a foolish child’s collarbone, I’m gonna have a fit! But I highly doubt you’ll have many people emulating this new stunt you’ve pulled. Nope, you can finally take a breather and rest assured that you are, in fact, the “Only Girl in the World” who’s rocking that, ummmm, lovely red wig.
In your defense, I certainly understand the allure of a head full of red tresses. I was always one to think that, contrary to popular belief, redheads actually have more fun. Think about it. How cool was Lucille Ball? She made us laugh to tears and was styling on chicks back before it was the “in” thing to do. And remember Amber from “Clueless”? She was a crazy girl, but never failed to spice up a scene with her unapologetic ego and crazy wardrobe choices. And who could forget Geri Halliwell (aka “Ginger Spice). I mean, I was always “Scary” when my friends and I gave impromptu performances of “Spice up Your Life” (and surely you’d pick “Posh”), but we all knew that Ginger was the most fun and free-spirited. And, finally, Ariel was clearly the baddest bishhh “Unda da Sea.” So, I see that you may have wanted to convey the same kind of image.
But, sadly, I feel that your head will not live up to the standards of the amazing hair hue. Something about it just ain’t right. At first, it was premiered in a rather scary bowl cut a la “Moe” from the Three Stooges. I covered my eyes at the horror and waited a couple days to shake off the memory of this apparent bad dream. No. Such. Luck. When I woke up, you had added a couple pieces to the front and created a side-swept bang of sorts. I sat back, scratching my chin in thought, and actually got into it for a second (just one second; no more, no less). When you wore that polkadot D&G jumper, clownish as it was, I lived for the whole ensemble! You looked great, it fit well, and your face glowed. But then, on some sad day near the taping of the “MTV Awards,” you pulled a fast one. A wig that was certainly only meant to be worn on October 31st in a costume as Wendy (mmm, I could go for a five piece nugget now that I mention it) or even Pippy Longstocking. Rih-Rih, you tried it. Take it off now, please! Make it go away . . .
All in all, I know that you’re free to do as you damn well please. Believe me, you make that quite clear. But with you being one of our “friends in our head,” we all worry about you. About the health of your hair between all the relaxers, and lifting, and dying, and weaving. Yes, this is a health matter. And about the clarity of your vision when the bangs of that wretched wig are all in your eyes. Yes, this is a safety matter. And furthermore, we worry about your overall image. The “Loud” red color truly takes away from your natural beauty and competes with what could still be amazing outfits! Yes, this is a branding matter. And it’s all way too much. Please hear us out. Go back to the drawing board. We can’t wait to see what you do next!
Signed Most Sincerely With No Love Lost,
Chelsea & the Coco Fam
– Chelsea Smith