I’m physically attracted to white women.

Wait, let me rephrase that. I’m physically and sexually attracted to women, and some of these women happen to be white. I’d totally flirt with Christina Hendricks if I took a ropes course and she happened to be the instructor. And, although she looks like she weighs about as much as one of Hendricks’ boobs, if Natalie Portman happened to be a barista at the coffee shop a block away from my building, I’d definitely memorize the days she usually worked.

I also think Mila Kunis is cute, Scarlett Johansson is stunning, and I’m not ashamed to admit Monica Bellucci is the only reason I own The Passion of The Christ.

Since this—I’m a black man not shy about admitting an attraction for women who happen to be white—is true, you can probably assume I’m currently dating a white chick, I’m really just not that into black women, and my ideal woman would be Kim Kardashian—apparently docile, apparently likes black men, and has the curves of a sista without the unnecessary black female baggage (ie: dark skin). And, you’d be right to make that assumption.

Except, you wouldn’t be. At all.

Despite what many seem to believe, a black man attracted to (or even dating) a white—or any other non-black—woman doesn’t automatically mean he’s not attracted to black women. In fact, it doesn’t even mean he prefers white women. Saying “I think Catherine Zeta-Jones is banging” doesn’t mean we don’t think Nia Long, Sanaa Lathan, Gabby Union, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Nicole Beharie, Esther Baxter, Res, Sharon Leal, Tamron Hall, Swin Cash, Rissi Palmer, and Aisha Tyler are even banginger (I know that’s not a word, but bare with me).

“I think some white women are extremely attractive” and “I’m completely enamored and in love with black women” aren’t mutually exclusive concepts. In fact, they’re the complete opposite of mutually exclusive, they’re, ummm, whatever the complete opposite of “mutually exclusive” happens to be.

Anyway, this—a black man can’t possibly prefer to be with a black women if he thinks any white women are attractive—is definitely one of the three most prominent things everyone knows to be true about black men…that totally aren’t true at all.

Here’s two more.

2. Black Men Give Each Other “Guy” Props, Praise, and Points For Sleeping With As Many Women Possible
There’s a guy in my extended circle of friends who’s basically a black version of Mike The Situation from “Jersey Shore”. He goes clubbing four nights a week, has probably slept with (at least) 100 women, and literally sleeps in a different woman’s bed at least five nights a week.

We’ve (my friends and I) even given him a special nickname; a name accurately reflecting how we truly feel about his exploits. Try to guess what it is.

The Man? No. That Dude? Nah. American Idol? Try again.

Done guessing? How about “That Homeless Motherf*cker”

The days of men giving each other props for sleeping with as many women as humanly possible ends somewhere around the time we realize we’re not the only ones lying about how many women we’ve slept with. At that point, we start to realize the men who do whatever it takes to run up in anyone and anything indiscriminately ultimately do more harm than good. Their reputations of sheer slutasticness affect us by osmosis, making it even more difficult for “regular” guys to convince women they can be trusted.

The guys in the crew who perpetually sleep around get treated the same way your grandmother treated your 45 year old uncle’s new 18 year old stripper girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinner. Sure, you can eat with us, but you’re going to have to sit at the kiddie table and eat with a spork and a paper plate.

We do give each other praise for one thing though: The ability to consistently find and keep attractive and quality women. Trust me, one five year relationship with one Kerry Washington will get you many more intra-guy points than 120 five-to-fifteen minute relationships with 120 Montana Fishburnes.

3. Black Men Are Commitment-Phobic (Especially “Educated” Black Men)
It’s a bit ironic that we (black men) are often accused of being scared of commitment, when we’re the same group of people where many of us have had the same barber since O.J. was still doing Hertz commercials.

(Generally speaking) We’re not scared of commitment, or at least no more scared than any other demographic. In fact, most black men welcome commitment and anxiously look forward to it. We’re just scared of committing to the wrong person. Big difference.

Like choosing the wrong barber, we realize committing to the wrong woman can have devastating long-term consequences. The wrong woman can consistently ruin your life—your self-esteem, your confidence, your demeanor—and the wrong barber can consistently ruin your look—which will eventually ruin your self-esteem, your confidence, and your demeanor as well.

***If you think I’m being too flippant comparing a romantic relationship with our relationships with our barbers, you’ve obviously never seen a black man break up with his barber. Trust me, it’s easier (and less dangerous) to date and sleep with a set of twin sisters than it is to break up with your barber and chose another barber in the same shop***

I’m no fool. I’m aware circumstances (ie: the perception of an eligible man shortage) mentally equip many men with certain commitment-related allowances not afforded to many women. But, these acts aren’t rooted in a panoptic fear of “settling down”. We just want to make sure we make the right choice. Our indecision gets interpreted as apathy and aloofness when it’s really just a bit of sober thinking and relationship pragmaticism.

The only thing worse than being stuck with a terrible shape-up for two weeks is being trapped in a terrible relationship for two years (and that’s debatable).

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  • Eva

    I have to say….this was pretty patronizing

  • erin

    I used to be the type of black woman who was only down for the brothers. A few years ago I decided to start dating non-black men (mostly men from europe and other countries) and I have not looked back yet. The only thing I regret is not doing so sooner.

    I was recently having a discussion with a group of my black girlfriends (we are all very sweet, smart and beautiful girls who dress classy and turn heads). These are women I’ve known for years who have always dated black men. Every single last one of my girlfriends stated that they will only date non-black men from now on. I went to another outing with a group of women all but one stated that they either have, are or would date non-black men.

    I was pretty amazed, because I haven’t gotten to the point where I’ll say “not again” to black men. Every black female I know now with the exception of one is now either engaged to or seriously dating a non-black man.

    I am now hoping that young black women (teens and twenties) start to have this mentality (to date whoever treats you right regardless of race) at young ages. This is a positive trend for the black female community.

    Articles like this one expose the arrogance of black men (namely the professional ones) who think that all women, especially black women, are falling all over them. In truth, we have mentally, emotionally and physically moved on. No need to write these types of articles anymore fellas. Date and lust after whoever you’d like, but on the same topic don’t be angry when you pass a beautiful black chick on the street and she looks right through you as if you’re made of glass. It is what it is.

  • supadupa

    interesting comments. i liked the article – funny and poignant.

    im a single mom. was left by my childs father -who happens to be black -as soon as the baby came out. he was already in the arms of another woman while i was bleeding away. it was pretty darn cold hearted. left me without a dime or a care. but blessings abound and i am ok. for a while i hated and hated. hated his family, him – you name it. but hate is heavy. and my spirit is light. my kid is ok. he has tried to come back and be there. i am allowing it for the sake of my kid, but sometimes feel like a schyzo. i think black society in this country needs a heavy dose of fathering and mothering. some love. some medicine. some love medicine maybe. still love the brothers. probably won’t be with one again though. just too hard of a pill to swallow. and in case your wondering – i guess if you looked at me you’d say i’m white. but i’m not from here. and i never cared about color one way or the other. i do feel though there are some huge cultural differences. and i was never hurt so bad in my life by anyone. we all have to make peace with ourselves and those around us. loveandpeace!

  • Jen

    @ ms viva. I know this is sort of late lol but I’m so sorry that you’ve had such horrible experiences with men but try to remember that often times we are what we attract. I try to learn from my mistakes….to exercise better judgment moving forward. you see that is the difference between a sensible human being and a jackass.