What If Your Man Was Sexually Abused?

by Shahida Muhammad

Oprah, Monique, Gabrielle Union, and Queen Latifah are all famous Black women who have shared stories of sexual abuse, and/or rape, with the public. And in each case, the response to their experiences was generally met with compassion and sympathy. They were praised for being courageous enough to speak up and for inspiring other woman to do the same. But why is it that when Lil’ Wayne revealed he was molested and introduced to sex at the age of 11 by a 14-year-old girl on Jimmy Kimmel Live, he was met with laughter rather than shock or sympathy?

It seems there is a double-standard in the way sexual abuse is viewed when it comes to men vs. women. For men, childhood molestation by a female can be viewed as a rite of passage. While women who experience sexual abuse from a male are usually viewed as victims of a serious crime. However, there is a certain aspect of male sexual abuse that comes with a significant level of taboo, hush-hush, shame, scandal and dismay—and that’s male sexual abuse at the hands of another male.

Both male and female victims of sexual abuse can adopt a feeling of shame in regards to their experience, moreover, men who suffer abuse at the hands of a male predator can also feel emasculated; making them less likely to reveal the abuse. Men who come forward run the risk of being ostracized by their peers, having their manhood challenged/questioned, or having society speculate about their sexual orientation.

With all the sexual abuse scandals in the media as of late, I wondered about the prominence of this type of abuse among Black men. There’s a plethora of literature, movies and open discussions dealing with the sexual abuse of women, but one might find it hard to find as much attention granted to male victims—Black men in particular. Even the Catholic priests’ abuse scandals have a White face associated with them, when there were many Black males victimized as well.

If you think you don’t know any men who have experienced this, chances are you do. According to online support system BSAS (Black Sexual Abuse Survivors), 1 in 6 Black males have been molested as children, and 1.9 million African-American men have been sexually abused. The reality is that this type of abuse is taking place every day in prisons, our communities, homes, schools, etc. and has yet to be properly addressed.

Taking this all into account, I considered how I would react if the man I was in a relationship with told me he was a victim of same-sex sexual abuse or rape. I’ve had men tell me (very nonchalantly) that they were taken advantage of sexually at a young age by women much older. However, I’ve never had a man come forward about sexual abuse at the hands of another male. Would I be able to accept my partner if he told me he had been? As a heterosexual woman, would the thought or fear that he may secretly be sexually attracted to men linger in my mind? I’ve asked myself all of these questions, and I believe that the first step I would take would be to have an honest and open dialogue with my significant others. I believe women shouldn’t be scared to ask. You have a right to know, and it will allow you to make an informed decision regarding whether, or how, to move forward in your relationship.

Most importantly, I think it’s important for us as women to have the sensitivity, compassion, and understanding with which we would want to be met were we to reveal that we had been abused—and not to further victimize the victim. Don’t let the constant “Down Low” rhetoric spark paranoia and/or apathy towards male sexual abuse victims. The affects of sexual abuse can manifest in various ways. While it can lead some victims to engage in homosexual behavior, this is certainly not always the case. Depression, promiscuity, low self-esteem, anger, aggressiveness, emotional disconnect, etc., are among an extensive list of potential results. If you’re a women who has experienced sexual abuse, just think of how it has affected you and imagine how it could be eating your man up inside. In a culture that irresponsibly promotes irrational ideas of hyper-masculinity and macho-ism, same-sex molestation and/or rape can leave Black men feeling powerless, emasculated, and alone. Remember, they are the victims, so we should do our best not to further any sense of shame or guilt.

Look into the stories of KEM, Donnie McClurkin, Tyler Perry, Todd Bridges, and other Black men who have publicly shared stories of sexual abuse. Also, BSAS recommends the books: Broken Boys/Mending Men: Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse, by Stephen D. Gruban-Black, and African Americans and Child Sexual Abuse, by Veronica D. Abney, as resources for healing.

As women we’re often the first nurturers and consolers who men have in their lives. If you find out your man was a victim of sexual abuse, with the right approach your womanly intuition and support could be the first step in helping him to heal and seek the best way to move forward.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stacy-Australia/45504695 Stacy Australia

    I recently had this converstaion with my friends. They asked me if I could date someone that was molested. I was like “yeah, why wouldn’t I?” I would be there for him and support him if he needed me to. I do understand some women would say “I would never date a man, that had sex with a man.” Well, you only know if he tells you, right?

    I can’t speak for all women, but for me- it just wouldn’t be an issue. I would not look at him differently. I have had things happen to me in my life and I would not want someone to judge me or not want to be with me because of a situation in my past. I would try my best to be there for my man and help him cope with it.

    Thanks. This was a very good article and it raise some issues we really need to talk about and discuss.

  • http://www.boycottbabyphat.blogspot.com Sugar

    This really is something that we don’t speak about often, but should. I dated a guy once who’d been molested by both women and a man. He had a really rough childhood. He revealed a lot to me very quickly and I think that it kind of threw me off, made me scrutinize him in light of the information much sooner than if he’d let me get to know him better and then told me. He suffered from major depression and I guess he wanted me to know as soon as possible before he started having episodes.

    Anyway, I couldn’t hang. I tried, but the combination of all of it was too much for me to handle. I do feel badly about it some days, but everybody has a choice. I pray that he’s found someone, but taking this on is a lot.

  • WoW

    Men who have been abused sexually have to get therapy or have a hell of a support group of men who have experienced the same abuse.

  • Interesting

    I am currently dating a man who has admitted (albeit while he was intoxicated) that he was sexually abused by a female family member, and I too speculate that he has suffered from the hands of abuse from another authority figure between the ages of 5 – 10, though he has not outright admitted it. The first thing I felt was sympathy and then anger. How could someone hurt a child ? Was my initial thoughts. He and I have been together for 2 years, and I have learned to be patient and careful with how and when he chooses to share some of these experiences with me. As his lady, i have no doubts that this is something that will need to be addressed by a professional once he gets ready, however, it has in no way caused me to look at him any differently. That was not a choice he made. He was abused and I have chosen to be right here with him regardless.

  • chillchic

    I asked a few female family members the other day if they would be willing to date a man who was sexually abused as a child. It the abuser was a woman, they didn’t mind but for abuse by a male it was a resounding “no”. I think there is an unfair stigma there and it doesn’t help that most of the public figures who come forward about this appear to be gay/sexually ambiguous.
    It’s also a shame that men don’t seem to realize how damaging it is when they are abused by women as children. I know several guys who were molested by adult women growing up and they laugh it off as though it’s cool when it’s not. I look at Lil’ Wayne as an example of what can happen when you are made to feel like abuse is a positive thing. Drug use and/or extreme promiscuity can occur when society doesn’t allow you to examine any negative feelings you may have from that experience.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ashleigh-Elle-Aye/507714421 Ashleigh Elle Aye

    I shared this article as soon as I finished reading it. This is something that needs to be discussed. Sexual abuse, especially of males, has been swept under the rug for too long. And yes, if a man shared that he was abused, I’d stay if my heart was in it and I loved him. Staying with someone out of pity does nothing to help the situation.

  • http://antiintellect.wordpress.com Anti-Intellect

    See: Patriarchal masculinity.

    Since our definitions of manhood are so narrow and so restricting is it any wonder that men aren’t willing to go forward and talk about past or present sexual abuse? Just think of how obsessed our community is with finding out who’s gay, they would certainly very quickly attack someone who is sexually abused, because who other than a “faggot” would allow himself to be sexually conquered?

    The only way we can get beyond this is by demanding that the rigid and narrow gender roles expected of men and women be changed, we must take a stand in our families and our communities to demand better of our men.

    And please stop being so hush hush about things, anything that is swept under the rug cannot be a learning lesson for others.

  • King Jason

    If you are a Black male and you’ve been sexually abused you really need to keep that to yourself. For the love of G-D don’t tell your woman, she will use that against you at every turn if not outright leave.

  • SunnyDay

    Oh man this is soooooo important and sad. I was mortified when I saw that clip of Wayne’s movie where he talked about getting felatio at like 12 in a room of grown men. Like did anyone see a problem with that??? Apparently not. I firmly believe Baby is a pedophile and you can’t tell me he’s not. As we can see his abuse has manifested itself as hott promiscuous d*^k that wants to ‘eff er gurl’ in the world. Look at his life…a mess. Who finds this glamorous? This is sooooo serious and I am so happy that this was shared. I for one would date, love and support a man who would share that with me. I also think in relationships news that your woman was abused is NOT always taken well by men. In fact I’ve heard my male counterpart’s state that they would rather not deal with the residual effects of that. It goes both ways. As a society we are more sympathetic to woman, however our Black boys are being preyed on just as much and we need to get it together. Fathers where yall at?!?!?!

  • http://www.bigvoicepictures.com Big Voice Pictures

    Thank you for this wonderful and important article. As a producer of the new documentary, Boys and Men Healing from child sexual abuse, we are trying to help men to feel safe to speak out and seek help, while educating about the impact this epidemic has on our boys, men and communities. Tony is a black man in our film who is a model of hope and healing, as he reclaims his life, stops the cycle of shame and violence in his life, and helps with starting his own support group with other men survivors of child sexual abuse. Sadly, many men didn’t have help after they were violated, and due to the issues of masculinity stereotypes, shame, and related issues, many grow to be broken men, many end up in prison (and death row as show in our film), or never have the chance at reclaiming life as they so deserve.

    So much appreciate your article.
    Kathy
    Big Voice Pictures
    http://www.bigvoicepictures.com

    10 min excerpts of the film are on our website

  • S.

    “but for abuse by a male it was a resounding “no”. I think there is an unfair stigma there”

    It isn’t fair. But it’s based off of logical assumptions that assumes someone who experienced something traumatic, such as sexual abuse, will exhibit negative personality changes due to the abuse. Even dating “normally” a person would be turned off if someone had those qualities… why would it be unfair only if the person has been sexually abused?

    It’s the same type of thinking when I hear Black men say they would never date a woman who doesn’t have a father or has “daddy issues”. It may not be “fair” (or even technically accurate way of finding the right spouse) but it comes from that same type of pathology.

  • Shahida

    Kathy,

    Thank you very much for your words. The work you all are doing is wonderful! I saw the documentary clip and it is very touching. I will share this.

    Best,

    Shahida

  • http://www.bigvoicepictures.com Big Voice Pictures

    Thank you Shahida! I’d love for you to share or post the clip!

    …I’m also wondering if I can add your article to our blog???
    Kathy

  • Shahida

    I believe you can link to it on your blog, but it’s best to confirm with Clutch editors.

    Thanks : )

  • http://dareesinsights.wordpress.com Daree

    I’ve dealt with this. When the movie Antoine Fisher came out, my then-husband related to most of it and it was hard for us both to watch. In his case he tried to tell his family and they wasn’t trying to hear him, so he had to stuff it inside. It’s nothing to play with, and the double-standard is real and very unfortunate. Can’t imagine the shame but hearing his story while we were dating was horrible.

    This is a really important piece and I hope it and Kathy’s documentary bring awareness and cut the joking, taboo attitudes our community seems to have toward this disgusting reality.

  • sloane

    TOTALLY AGREE.

  • sloane

    you CANNOT be for real. why should a man have a sense of shame about being vicitimized when he was a helpless child. we need to acknowledge the sexual abuse of boys to proactively protect boys now from pedophiles and to help grown men who were abused get the help they need.

  • Fraulein17

    omg so true! i saw a south parkk episode and a george lopez episode with similar themes. with the george lopez show there was a notice that there was a child molester in the neighborhood… but when everybody found out that it was a pretty blonde woman then nobody cared.

    on south park a pretty female teacher wanted to have a relationship with one of the kids. all the mothers freaked out but all the men were giving high fives and their only question was ” well is she hot?”

    i find it very interesting how its not considered molestation when its a woman messing with a child. its supposed to gain the boy some high fives for an older woman or “cougar” being interested in him.

  • http://www.studioist.com Alexis L., The Studioist

    I agree with much of this article but I could not disagree with this more:

    “I believe women shouldn’t be scared to ask [about your significant other's sexual abuse status]. You have a right to know, and it will allow you to make an informed decision regarding whether, or how, to move forward in your relationship.”

    You do not have a right to know. Any man or woman has every right to keep that history private, should they wish to do so. Disclosure of that sort is a gift and a privilege, not a right. It doesn’t “count” in the number of partners someone has had. It doesn’t “count” as to their relative promiscuity. It doesn’t mean that they are or are not damaged. It doesn’t define, or even necessarily influence, their sexuality. It’s a worthwhile conversation to have -and yes, I’ve dated men who were abuse victims and would again, were I ever single- but you have to earn the answer and the person has to be ready to give it.

  • Orange Star Happy Hunting

    Treat others as you wish to be treated is my motto esp if one is honest and open enough to share such vital things about their life’s journey. We are all human beings with fragile feelings underneath it all, honey.

  • Emelyne

    It’s about time someone touched on this. Very provocative and insightful article!

  • binks

    Thank you for writing this and bringing awareness to this subject. I find it sickening that nobody takes into account boys/men who were sexual abuse and molested growing up by either dismissing it, laughing/brushing it off or just by suppressing it. Sexual abuse and molestation is a terrible violation for anybody to go through and experience regardless of gender and we need to speak on it and continue to voice it. There are a lot of men who were sexual abuse who suppress it and doesn’t bring it up and you can see clearly how it eats away at them and further damages them because it is so covered up and buried due to the stereotypes of what it is to be male and the idea of rape/sexual abuse for men as oppose to women who experience the same thing. In this day and age, a lot of young boys and men are victims of this as well as women so people need to wake up about it and start protecting our boys just like we do our little girls.

  • King Jason

    @ sloane says:
    October 4, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    you CANNOT be for real. why should a man have a sense of shame about being vicitimized when he was a helpless child.
    ———————————————————————————————————————————————
    I’m not talking about “what should” I’m talking about “what is” and I cannot believe that you as a grown woman are unaware of how women respond to the knowledge of this.

  • http://twitter.com/supaflynfuchsia Fuchsia

    Very important article! I’ve known plenty of men who reveal that they lost their virginity at the hands of an older woman, and in some cases adult women. I was shocked, and a little confused that it was said nonchalant. I didn’t bring it up again, but always wondered if it was the reason the men I knew were more promiscuous. Sweeping this issue “under the rug” effects our community and perpetuates the myth that men are dogs, when they might have a valid reason and issues that need to be worked out.

  • sloane

    ioh please any “grown” woman who makes a man feel ASHAMED about being abused as a helpless child as though it’s his fault or he’s to be blamed is an idiot.

    and any “man”, like yourself, who encourages other men to stay silent about abuse because of their OWN personal asinine preconceived notions about how all women would react to this news, is to be completely disregarded. do you have reading comprehension problems or have you not read how many of the female commenters reacted with sympathy and understanding for the men in their lives that have been abused?

    staying silent about abuse not allows it to go on because we don’t take it seriously when it happens to boys but it eats away at the souls and psyches of the abused grown men who try to make sense of it alone. they don’t need to disclose it if they are uncomfortable doing so, but if they WANT to tell somebody they most certainly should.

  • King Jason

    @ sloane says:
    October 5, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    ioh please any “grown” woman who makes a man feel ASHAMED about being abused as a helpless child as though it’s his fault or he’s to be blamed is an idiot.

    and any “man”, like yourself, who encourages other men to stay silent about abuse because of their OWN personal asinine preconceived notions about how all women would react to this news, is to be completely disregarded. do you have reading comprehension problems or have you not read how many of the female commenters reacted with sympathy and understanding for the men in their lives that have been abused?

    staying silent about abuse not allows it to go on because we don’t take it seriously when it happens to boys but it eats away at the souls and psyches of the abused grown men who try to make sense of it alone. they don’t need to disclose it if they are uncomfortable doing so, but if they WANT to tell somebody they most certainly should.
    ————————————————————————————————————–
    Here I thought we were going to have a conversation but clearly you are too immature

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  • Leila Lee

    I totally agree with you!!!! I can’t even stress how much I do!!!!

    We as women sometimes get side-tracked and think we deserve everything!!!!! This is information that a person should share when thery are ready!!!!!!

  • sloane

    don’t play yourself. with your asinine assumptions about women and your slick ass “grown woman” comment towards me your aim wasn’t mature, rational conversation. why don’t grow the f*ck up and THEN try to give advice to other men.

  • Believe That

    Thank you so much for sharing that clip. I watched it and it was very moving. I will go forward and think about those things that keep our men from coming forward to say what has happened to them – fear of being rejected by women; the hyper masculine image put out there as the idea – and i do everything in my power to reduce the stigma and not play into stereotypes.

  • BlackButterfly

    Good for you for sticking by him, I’m sure that has greatly helped him trust you and himself.

  • BlackButterfly

    what difference does it make whether the abuser was a male or female? It’s not like a little boy would have a choice in choosing who his abuser would be. I don’t understand that mentality – do they think it might make him gay? And if in their mind it does make him gay, he probably wouldn’t be too eager to date them now would he?

  • Cit-cit

    This article is homophobic.

  • http://sweetilocks.blogspot.com Sweetilocks

    How so?

  • spoketomysoulwiththisone

    IT IS COMPLETELY HOMOPHOBIC!! I read that fourth to last paragraph and my jaw dropped open. Here I am, thinking this author is trying to wash away the stigma attached to being a black man who has been sexually abused by another man, and she’s actually FURTHERING it! That whole paragraph was essentially saying to any black man who has had this happen to them that coming out about it will only make their significant other skeptical of their sexuality. This assumes two things:

    1. That gayness is learned or assumed, rather than innate. We could have a whole year’s worth of posts on that. Personally, and from having spoken with the many male and female gay friends that I have, I think that’s ridiculous. Who would want to be gay when people make posts like this, and kids are killing themselves because they’re being bullied so harshly for their being gay? Ridiculous.

    2. It assumes a double standard. Would a woman who was molested by a woman when she was younger be suspected of being a lesbian? Wait. I don’t even want to ask that, because you’d probably say yes. I’d say thank you for further stigmatizing victims of childhood molestation and rape.

    How dare you pretend to be sympathetic when all you’d do to a man who overcomes his internal struggles to expose this fact to you is slap a label on him and take the nearest exit out of the relationship. Just another black woman hyper-fearful of the DL. Get a grip.

  • http://www.bigvoicepictures.com Big Voice Pictures

    I think the author is not at all homophobic, she’s just reiterating facts that are out there. Every man we interviewed in our film, Boys and Men Healing, had fear of speaking about the abuse, and ONE of the factors was they were afraid to be stigmatized as being gay. It’s not the author of this article, it is the general misinformed culture who links male child sexual abuse with being gay. Two of the men in the film are gay, and they are clear the sexual abuse as boys had nothing to do with being gay. The other men in the film are heterosexual, but most of them struggled with sexual identity questions that was related to their abuse..but healing helped them work it through where they could claim their heterosexuality. The fact that ‘society’ would label them as gay if they broke their silence, inhibited them to speak about it. It’s THE STIGMA that’s out there. It’s ONE of the MANY destructive myths about male child sexual abuse that MUST be challenged. ALL the experts that work on this issue know that the fear of being labeled gay is one of the reasons they don’t speak about it. Masculinity stereotypes–that men can’t have emotions, must be macho, is another reason men don’t come out and talk about their boyhood abuse. The stereotype is that men must be strong, and speaking about the pain and having necessary emotions about the devastating harm that was done to them as children, is sadly considered a weakness.

    The other thing I want to say, is that in my research and talking with many men sexually abused as boys, there are some who live a gay lifestyle, and SOME that question whether the abuse by a man when they were boys influenced them being gay..in fact they feel confused if they are or aren’t.

    And again, many gay men were abused as boys, and feel they are clearly gay, born gay, and happy to be gay, and the abuse had nothing to do with it.

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    Spoketomysoulwiththisone wrote: “IT IS COMPLETELY HOMOPHOBIC!! ..Here I am, thinking this author is trying to wash away the stigma attached to being a black man who has been sexually abused by another man, and she’s actually FURTHERING it! That whole paragraph was essentially saying to any black man who has had this happen to them that coming out about it will only make their significant other skeptical of their sexuality. ..How dare you pretend to be sympathetic when all you’d do to a man who overcomes his internal struggles to expose this fact to you is slap a label on him and take the nearest exit out of the relationship. Just another black woman hyper-fearful of the DL.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Woa! This is completely out of line and totally unfair to the writer!

    You claimed to have read the paragraph but, the way you proceeded to misrepresent and mangle what was actually written, I have to question your ability to comprehend. To accuse her of being “hyper-fearful of the DL” when she clearly cautioned “don’t let the constant “down low” rhetoric spark paranoia and/or apathy towards male sexual abuse victims” is all kinds of WTF!

    I’ve mentioned this here a couple times but this thing of labeling people “homophobic” at the drop of a hat – and without valid cause – is just ridiculous and starting to render the word and accusation useless and ineffective.

    The beginning to any successful discourse is truthfulness and it’s a gotdamn shame an individual can’t even be completely honest about their true feelings — and in a respectful way at that, since not one derogatory word or slur was used – without people projecting and throwing their own issues, mess and mierda all over it.

    The writer thought about how she’d react, questioned if she would be able to accept it, and wondered if she’d be consumed with thoughts questioning his sexuality. At least she’d the courage to question, challenge herself, remain open to dialogue and commit to approaching with “sensitivity, compassion and understanding” — instead of being rash and reacting with a closed-mind and outright rejection.

    All day long a person can keep their true feelings, questions and ambivalences to themselves – for fear of it being erroneously twisted into an intentional offense or to spare someone’s oversensitive feelings – but that is a wack move considering they’ll still have those feelings/questions which will manifest one way or another. Failing to be open and honest will not bring resolution or greater understanding on anyone’s part; open the door to finding a happy median or solve a thing in the end!

  • Akai (Akai.Santiago@Yahoo)

    Correction: “Failing to be open and honest will not bring resolution or greater understanding on anyone’s part, open the door to finding a happy median medium, or solve a thing in the end!”

  • Anonymous

    This whole topic is a personal issue for me. I was one of those little boys (under 10) that was molested by a man. I did not tell my family until I was 50 years old. To tell the world in the prime of your manhood (18 -40) would be disastrous. Neither men or women would look at you the same. I do not know if I have felt gay by birth or by experience – I was so young when it happened. All I know is I hate not having natural affection for the opposite sex. I have met many guys who have had similar experience; it is almost always by a family member. I don’t think I have ever met a guy molested in his youth by a stranger. I was afraid to tell my mother because I knew she would have went to jail for murder. I finally told my family when I found out my nephew had been molested. I wanted my sister to get him some help or counselling. I did not want him to spend his life fighting and struggling as I have. I think there should be a group or committee in school that you could anonymously contact in your youth and give you some type of guidance without the fear of being oust.

    I do not have a real solution; but, I would encourage every parent to be careful of who and where you leave your child. No one knows the secret places of a man heart except the heart of that man and God. It will more than likely occur with someone you totally trust. Just needed to be heard.

  • http://www.bigvoicepictures.com Big Voice Pictures

    I just want to say to anonymous, thank you for your words and courage. Yes,
    there needs to be a place where male youth can reveal to someone, in a safe environment, what is happening at home in the case of incest, or those being abused outside of the home. MaleSurvivor and 1in6.org have resources for where they can share with others and find resources, but many youth don’t know these services are available. We need to find out ways to reach out to them!

  • http://sweetilocks.blogspot.com Alicia Fiasco

    I have loved and will forever continue to love a black male sex abuse survivor. It does not make him who he is nor does it make me question him. People who jump to conclusions and automatically label young men and boys who were molested are abusers themselves for ostracizing them in their time of need. Boys need to live free of the fear of persecution. My son, and all male relatives, will know that he can confide in me regarding molestation or abuse or anything dealing with sexual identity because it is human nature. I do NOT believe homosexuality is a choice but I do believe our relationships and how we maintain them is all about choices. I wouldn’t know the loving man that I know if I had rejected/judged him for something he had absolutely no control over because someone that he trusted manipulated him into thinking they were not harming him and robbing him of his innocence. My prayers go out to all survivors of sex abuse and molestation and I hope they find a support system as soon as possible so they can begin to heal. I also pray that we as a society begin to seriously weed out these DISGUSTING SEXUAL PREDATORS who steal our children and youth’s innocence and purity before they even have a chance to enjoy life! And then somehow diminish the number of sexaul predators created because they are products of our own society.

  • Ahmad

    I have to say, the writer’s response is an honest one, albeit not be the politically correct response we would all like to embrace. Behind certain aspects of self hatred, and domestic violence, this may be the 3rd or 4th secret major issue in the black community. The author of this piece dares to pose the question: What would she do? Hell, what would (you) do? In mainstream America if you are a brutha traumatized in this manner I can’t imagine the toll it must take on the the soul to tell someone, deal with the backlash from a spouse or girlfriend, get the DL label, and be cast “out.” But realistically, what is that girlfriend or spouse supposed to do? Once revealed, should she stick around and live a lie as well? No.

  • stokely

    Lil Wayne was probably met with laughs because he went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to say it -_-

  • dajha

    i know several men who have been raped and i have also dated a few and we are good friends to this day i could relate to their feelings because i was someone who was raped as a child and a teenager. we spoke about our sexuality and we didnt judge each other on wether we were gay or not.but we all questioned ourselves about because we all date the opposite sex and others we know date the same i have asked my gay friends why they date the same sex and most of them said because they were hurt by the other sex. males and females both judge women and men who openly tell their stories i was always asked do you date women i would get pissed off because they really believe that every person who is rape date the same sex. and yes you must watch the people closes to you and your family because those are the ones to hurt your children first! what i hate about us as black we know who these people are and we wont say athing until something actually happens and thats totally wrong! to me their just as bad as the person who did the act! we keep serious skeltons that could save childrens lives in the closet but we gossip about bullshit that dosent concern us we need to really wake up women and men also need to listen and watch their children more, and we need to ask questions in a nice way to our children so they wont be afraid to talk to us i got blamed for all my rapes and one occured when i was five now how in the hell could i place myself at in a rape situation!? she never gave me an answer i know a few people in my family who have rape their own sons and daughters and i tell mebers about them and im not a shame too tell they may get mad or the family may say oh leave it alone but i won i dont want a innocent child being hurt just cause you all are trying to hide the shame of this man or womans actions. another reason why kids dont tell is because no one never believes them and when they do tell the first stupid ass questions that are asked is why you didnt get away? why you wait so long to say something? what do you know about those acts? no one knows what these people have told these kids most of these children and still no one hears them. im getting a lil emotional about this subject and i didnt mean to go as far as i did but the point is people need to listen and see not just hear and watch.

  • Omar

    True it been going on for a long time. I can relate to this because it happen to me. When I was 11 years old I was 6 feet tall and my first, she was 29 years.The sad part is it still goes on today. Right or wrong it still happen by men and women to young black males. I am not bi or a sexual pervert, just a survivor.

  • Shellfish789

    Dear Anonymous….I’m sorry to hear about your past…a close friend of mines found out that the Grandfather of her little Girl (4) was touching her and showing her porno…she found thru the school…she was drawing pictures………about her experience and it got to the principle…and they look into it and found out the Grandfather had molested her….during the time her daughter had to get therapy…there were people from all walks of life comming to get therapy and 99% of the time it is by a family member or someone you have trusted with your child……..I think the Saddest case was the hardworking couple had left their 6 month old daughter with the baby sitter and the man of the house would have “oral”sex with the baby …and the parents would wonder why the baby was sick and acting funny….they took her to the doctor to discover this and they had to pump the baby’s stomach out………..any way……my friends daughter Grandfather went to jail for 1 or 2 weeks and got out because he was sick and old (70)…….come to find out it is a possibility he molested his own son…..and the Mother did nothing about it…..the sad thing about it….the family members Blamed her for turning this CREEP IN! and blame the Kid for testifying….this man never was put on the “Sexual predator list”…he finally died about 4 years ago….Thank God!

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  • AGirlNamedGoys

    -_- you are clueless. I dont even want to begin.

    All I will say is that both social/ learned and innate homosexuality exist and sexually abused males AND females account for LARGE NUMBER of social homosexuals.

    There have been countless studies establishing this.

    If you dont believe me sweety, travel down to your local group/ foster home and SEE FOR YOURSELF whats going on. Talk to some of these kids as opposed to talking out of your ass.

    You really think all these women and men coming out of detention centers are “innately” gay? Okay, I said Id keep it short…

    But you hella confused -_-

    Peace and Abundance

  • Lala

    I was dating a guy once and kept seeing odd behavior and red flags. He was really weird around my friend’s son, as in super awkward and distant with him. Then there were a few odd exchanges around men, once he held eyes with one a second two long and then we bumped into a male “old friend” who looked surprised to see him with a female. Finally, I caught him eyeballing sexual abuse material ( a help group flyer) and I started to wonder. I asked him over IM one day if he knew anyone who was molested and he stated–yes, me…by my uncle. My heart broke for him, because I knew that it was tearing him up inside. In the long run, it didn’t work out. I do believe he has gay or bi tendencies, that may or may not be attributed to what happened to him. It is so sad that this occurs to so many boys and they have no one to go to.

  • http://none Anonymous

    I’m 17 and my 18 year old boyfriend(of a year and 4 months) was sexually abused as a child, by a man. He told me about two months ago. I then realized that the abuse was the answer to many of our communicaton problems, and why he didnt like to talk baout certain things, and why he did things like (being overly flirtatious with other girls ) and things of that nature. he told me it was because he wanted to feel loved, by a woman, rather. He wanted to someone to confide into. He told me that as a preteen and young teenager he questioned his sexuality, he attempted suicide, and he hated himself. he said since he was forced to particpate in sexual acts as a kid wth someone 9 years older… he felt bad, and stupid like he shouldve done something… I asked him “What could you had done at 7 years old?” But now, his manhood is on point, and I’m glad I understand , and that i didnt judge him or anything. It just made our relationship stronger. I love him:)

  • Emelyne

    I’m happy for you and grateful that your boyfriend has a woman like you to call his own.

  • Rosa Rosa

    My significant other of three years, recently revealed to me that he was a victim of childhood sexual abuse from age six to age 13, by a female relative. He had effectively (or so he thought) suppressed the painful memories, but the pain of his violation manifested itself in ways that often challenged our relationship and now makes sense; mood swings, resistance to my initiating intimacy, unexplained anxiety and hypervigilance in family social settings that included the female relative, gravitating to work in the capacity as a victims abuse counselor and other types of anti-victimization activities (walks, vigils, etc.). I always felt fortunate that he was so protective, and he still is. I just now have an explanation for so many puzzling behaviors. He confronted his female relative and is now considering counseling. He has told me some parts of the many times she violated him, and most of them are horrifying: locking him inside a room until he had “serviced” her, insisting upon bathing him to fondle his privates, etc., etc. The last year of the molestaton at age 13 included rape (yes rape), and him being forced to “spend nights” at her house where she would molest him throughout the night. He never told anyone, because he knew that a “real man” was supposed to feel fortunate to have an “older” woman incorporate him into sex. He absolutey has experience a range of complex emotions in his recollection of those dark years. His revelation has also disrupted the dynamics within his family. Many don’t believe him and some have stopped speaking to him. I should add that his suppressed feelings surfaced at a family gathering where he observed this female family member perpretrator interacting with a young male member of the family who was clearly uncomfortable with the attention. Yes, our male children are equally as vunerable as our females and females can be rapists too. I’m going to hang in there, although it’s clear that it will get worse, before it gets better.

  • Hey

    I’ve known about Lil Wayne’s abusive past years before Kimmel or VH1 Behind the Music. I remember reading about Wayne in one of those rap magazines as a teenager. The rappers in the Magazine were recounting their first sexual experience. I am not lying when I tell you 80 percent of those rappers lost their virginity in a horrible fashion. One rapper spoke of being rapped by two teenage babysitters at the age of 9. That could have been Lil Wayne I don’t know. I remember reading about how Wayne lost his virginity. At the time he was telling reporters the girl was a lot younger than what she was and he made it seem like it was some mutual happening. He didn’t tell the part about Baby forcing the girl to perform oral sex on him. But even as a young person myself, I remember reading that article about Wayne and other rappers and being very, very, disturbed. That is why rap are so misogynistic. The people who make the music are born out of this culture of sexual violence.

  • Hey

    I also had a friendship with a guy who I believe was molested as a child. But at the time I didn’t know. He was one of the most popular guys in the school, a ladies man. But he would exhibit strange behaviors around women/girls. He use to have the weird moments or outburst in class that people would just brush as him being the class clown, but I later figured out those were panic attacks.

  • Wallflower

    Yesterday me and my significant other of 1 year and 6 months and his friend spent our afternoon gaming in a local cyber cafe. He recently turned 16 last January and I’m turning 15 by the end of the month, which means we’re still minors. He was seated beside an older man, around his late 20′s or early 30′s and looks very masculine, and the man initiated some small talk. I saw him once or twice look at my love’s crotch. I shook it off then his sister’s significant other chimed in to say hello. He looked at us at us for a second and said something to my sweetie that he should watch his back then left. When we we’re about to leave he looks pale and worried. Then the man asked his number and by the way he said it makes you think he’s gay. My love refused and quickly moved away with me, holding me closer than usual in a worrying way. The next day my boyfriend was unusually awkward and touchy-feel, especially when I told our pals about the flirty gay man and our pals made fun of it. Later, I asked him about it and he said he was groped and molested by the man. At first I almost laughed because I thought he was kidding but apparently he’s serious. He said his sister’s boyfriend saw it and told him it wasn’t me. He told me at first he thought it was me who has groping his thigh and butt so he shook it off but he found out it was actually the gay man if it wasn’t for his sister’s boyfriend. Now I feel guilty of laughing at him because the old pervert asked his number. It turned out he was really angered and dismayed and even traumatized by it that he even refused to go in there again without a chaperone and that if he sees that man again he would avoid him and if he molests him again he would punch him square to the jaw or even beat him up and stick his pen in the gay dude’s eye. I’ve never seen him like this before. As his girlfriend I would be deeply affected by this. He told me not to tell our friends and acquaintances about it to keep him safe. I really want to help him, but I don’t know how… This makes me dislike gays like that old pervert more. Don’t get me wrong, I find effeminate guys adorable and fun to be with and I’m I’m a little curious about girls which doesn’t make me homophobic, but that gay man needs to go to hell.

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