Before the Web, public discussions about difficulties between Black men and women took place maybe every few months via magazine articles in Essence. When the occasional “Why do Black men date outside the race?” article popped up, the piece would impact the community in the most benign of ways. These articles were harmless because, in the end, the community could not talk back. With the explosion of the Internet, all of this has changed.

For the first time in history, Black men and women are using every element of the Internet medium to examine the guts of Black love, vivisecting the problems with the sharpest mental scalpels. Blacks are straightforwardly tackling relationship issues together that men and women had previously hashed out separately. The questions remain about whether this direct confrontation is actually for the good. It depends on how you feel about interracial dating.

In the magazines of old, questions could be raised and Black love experts quoted—but the social ills that lead to 72% of Black children being born out of wedlock were pondered behind the scenes. Usually these discussions devolved into a blame game played in the barber shop or the beauty salon with both Black women and men pointing the finger. By discussing such matters with their own sex in church groups and sports bars, the insane rage between genders that could have been released through persistent blame was kept in check. Nowadays the hippest spot to call out the opposite gender is a message board.

Or the comments area of a blog. If blogs are not your thing, you can “like” the Facebook fan page “i hate seeing black men with white women.“ The point is, now all that anger is out in the open. And targeted verbalization of “what is wrong” with the Black man or woman from the opposite sex is stoking greater ire in the gender under attack. The Internet, unfortunately, facilitates this process in a way that could have drastic results.

One could imagine that these were potentially positive developments at one time. What was absent in previous decades was the ability for Black men and women to conveniently have these critical discussions with each other, and the Web provided this context. It seems logical that having men and women discuss our issues directly could help us develop lasting Black relationship solutions. Yet, this seems to be far from the case. The direct verbal battles between Black men and women over “whose fault it is” that 42% of Black women never marry may be driving the genders further apart. The Web makes it faster and easier to place the blame, and its anonymous nature leads to tongue-lashings akin to cyber-whippings.

The harsh assessments that Black men and women used to hurl privately are now expressed to each other online with the full force of pent-up venom. Go on any message board these days that feature prominent African American discussions, and you will find threads that attack Black men for dating outside the race near others blaming Black women for being fat, loud, trashy and arrogant, thus pushing Black men away. Both types of forums are populated by Black men and women going hard at each other. Our sisters accuse the men of not protecting Black women. Men go for the jugular by proclaiming White women to be universally prettier. And let’s not forget the spawn of recent videos that illustrate Black love issues tragicomically in cartoons. The same themes are echoed in a multitude articles and comments found on Black Web sites.

Black women who are fed up with the whole mess have considered seceding from the Black community emotionally, financially and sexually, using blogs to fight Black men while pondering their future after leaving Black men behind. Black men are creating their own manifestos to justify leaving us. Having these two warring sides finally meet to discuss the bitterness that has been lingering for years has not had a cleansing effect on the Black psyche. The raw contempt some Black men and women feel free to share with each other online is so strong, it is creating more bile than ever in the realm of Black love.

At the same time, the power of the Web makes looking for interracial love much easier. Sites dedicated to Blacks looking for “outside” partners are common, as are new sites dedicated to mixed-race weddings. These developments aren’t necessarily bad. But they do point to the growing possibility of a new reality.

If the war between Black men and women cannot be resolved by open discussions in online forums, we might never be able to heal the growing chasm between the genders. In most emotional situations, dialogue sooths, but in the case of Black love, public communication is revealing greater depths despair. The Web presents Black men and women with a darker portrait of our intense divisions, while creating more resentment in the process. As a result, the motivation for moving farther apart from each other is fanned into flame.

It’s easy for that flame to catch fire in a field of possibility presented by the easy means for Blacks to find partners of different races online. If things don’t change soon, Black love could soon be on a rapid decline, morphing into a totally different form and changing forever.

Of course, not all Black men and women are taking this route, and there is plenty of evidence that African American love is thriving on the Web. But at the same time, evidence of the animosity between the sexes is exploding. Animosity combined with easy exit strategies points to a future of more mixed marriages than ever in coming years—caused solely by events ignited by social media.

Is this an inevitable future we are all prepared to see? Or will some saving grace intervene and mend the rift that the online world has made worse between Black men and women? That is unlikely. Perhaps with all the anger between Black men and women being so shockingly revealed, it is far better that this phenomenon is played out online rather than in real life. Then the coup of mixed-race love can conduct its revolution quietly, finally bringing calm to our Black love war.

  • Hmmmmm

    A Female friend sent this to me…

    Indeed I hear folks saying black women should eschew any models that points a finger or lays blame on black men. Pity they didnt remeber to tell that to white women when they declared an all out war to extricate themselves from under the feet of men, not more than 5 decades ago.

    White women were allowed to take men to task for their behaviour as a collective towards women with no one rushing in to supress their assertions about men.

    Indeed I dont recall the likes of Gloria Steinem arguing for consideration to be shown for ‘the good white men’ out there. But then again maybe I am wrong and she prefaced her every comment with ‘there are good men out there including my brother, uncle and father!’

    A black woman walks into a shop with an object in her hand, she says have this object here that is shaped in a unique and different way. Can you find me a bowl/container that will fit round it or be enough to encompass it in its entirety?

    There is this white woman there managing the store and she has a group of assistants, these assistants happen to be black women and they look at the object and after a few minutes their faces take on a semi contemptuous look towards the object.

    Sorry they say, Your object has to fit into one of these standard containers we have here or it really isnt a valid worthwhile object, in fact you will have to go and file it down and knock off bits of it to get it to fit one of these ‘universal’ bowls, which is really the accepted container that all such objects need to be able to fit into!

    Well, this is exactly what bw are expected to do; to fit their issues, their responses and reactions, the nuances of their situation and their understanding of what ails them into accepted feminist frameworks developed from a white female perspective and thought process. If these dont fit, black women are expected and asked to take them away and make sure they cut off an arm or a leg so that it fits neatly with white female theories and views of the female world and their acceptable analysis of such things.

    BW need to take care because:
    A whole bunch of folk are trying to force black women into modes and models that are not ‘meaningful’ for black women and the black woman’s situation, in fact some of these models will lead black women into even greater ‘tragedy’.

    Feminsism is not about big language and something that exists in ‘theorectical space’. Feminsism is about the practical and how women can make it better for themselves in the now (more so for black women who are at the negative end of so many social trends). I mean what is the point if your feminsim is simply theory and all about intellectual debating as black women fall deeper and deeper into the pit. Surely your framework can only be useful if it provides for the immediate survival and rescue of the black female!

    If the terrain is different the wheel might need to be re-invented!

    White women have been granted the ‘social space’ to hash out their issues and come up with the approporaite models to work with. I dont see this happening with black women with all and sundry (white men, black men and white women) closing in on what should be internal debates to lecture them on what should be ‘the appropraite models’ for their struggles (of course models that skirt the exposing of the major culprits in their situation). My question remains, ‘Where is that granted ‘social space’ for bw to go through the process (as white owmen were allowed to), to come up with meanigful concepts, ideas and models for their situation? All I see is folks rushing in to force bw into models that continue to be ill fitting for the black woman’s situation.

  • mavenz

    The roaches have always been there, the internet just turned on the light-switch.

  • Malik

    Who cares about colors, genders of a race gossip? It’s all academics without spirituality…if we focus on who we are as spiritual beings inside of these human bodies, then recognize we all have a greater job to fulfill as self, family, community, nation and world. Right now, we need to be buying these “fixer uppers” in the neighborhoods, pay the property taxes so we can fuel our K-12 schools. At the same time take positions within the local governments and become diplomats to foreign governments so academic services along with cultures can be exchanged. If property taxes are getting paid then neighborhood value goes up (imagine major equity in a home you may have paid 11K for? BANK) and of course morale goes up for all and crime decreases drastically. It’s all about turning nothing into something like the ancestors keep telling us daily with khemistry and geometry. In geometry, you make your points like axioms and graph them with degrees (multi-dimensional meanings with astronomical approach) then make a path from one to the other point. For example, certifications are for making way for your own business so why not get a degree then certify yourself instead of working for somebody else? Now it maybe people who will be working for others as statistics with accountancy shows it but think about the basics…you need real estate, medical and health, food and water..transpose those needs into jobs within the neighborhood and watch out 1900s Tulsa and Helena…along with Africa (and her islands). Welfare goes away quickly and bartering comes back into play as well as free enterprise. Take up positions in the State government and make moves to change human law to set precedence. Most local judges do not even acquire degrees but we are worrying about love in the wrong places…the last time I remember if a beautiful Queen moves then a King sees…I’m from the super country and military so trust me when Malcolm X said “media controls the minds of the masses” people was sleeping and still is. We have a suitable force of spiritual beings able to move tacticful with wise decisions about life and karma is it. All a Queen wants to do is relax on her land, walk onto her land anytime she feels and command with authority while being graceful and sexy. And crowns comes with a heavy price so be prepared for whatever cause we did not create “The Hate U Gave Little Infants Fuck Everybody” that grew up more stranded than ever…the Queens just need to start teaching the children our way but we need to find some culture values first and pointing out leaders (this is what the internet is really for but time is running out…) Kings need to stop the banging and really patrol the neighborhoods (via self through local communities) Our childbirth rate is going up and is the highest amongst all humans so loving must be still going on…other than that it would be a higher rape crime rate along with assault. Kings and Queens need to be teaching real knowledge from a corporate and spiritual dimension…you only get half-ass corporate and cult impregnanted religions so yes we are mixed up to the max mentally to some capacities. Now going back to the homes and all…each and every Queen and King can have a kingdom of their own or together by keeping focus on the tax auctions and how to DIY. When have been the greatest at architecture from the minds to the hands but our pages are fading…our Ancestors had less of what we got now and look what is going on? Now the reason why I am on this page is because I was typing up some poetry to my soulmate I have not seen but only in my dreams and wanted to know if some spiritual beings living in African male bodies had a blog on if they could live without the opposite gender. I was just interested in opinions cause I feel as if I have missed her or maybe I need to hold-on and just master my knowledge and wisdom to feed my neighborhood of which I was born to. I myself feel honored to help Queens make moves even if we split ways; still eye helped her along the way as she helped me…I helped her for me spiritually cause I do not want my heart to be heavy and I do fear coming back inside this human body or another. We all cross paths for a reason so if you can share love and not be selfish about it then do it…cause what goes around keeps coming around like a planet on it’s orbital path. I tell all my homeboys this…whenever I get into a relationship with a Queen and her children (if she has any) I try to love her with all eye got without breaking myself totally…cause one day you’re here and the next day you’re gone. It’s all chess, geometry, khemistry when we are crossing paths so art everyday like it’s your last. We’ve all said some hurtful things but beginning and the end is what really counts as the last memories stained on the brains and minds until the end of time. So I dream then envision when my eyes are open and so, everytime I see a Queen and King out here with these Princes and Princesses then I’m living life to the fullest. The Kings are here but many Queens cannot see us clearly until they have moved on and vice versa but we all help each other make moves so it’s all two the good. Sacrifices and patience is what I have learned over the years…so I love Ebony for the reasons that I get to wash, massage and kiss her feet for the love of it and hands too along the neck and shoulders and back and arms and ankles and big foreheads too! I just like to love her like that cause 9 times out of ten she has not been loved like that….Much love to my Soulmate out here cause I am aching at night and day these times of mine. Hit me up anyone if you want to just network or exchange ideas. Hotep.

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