Saying No to Motherhood
Not too long ago I met a 30-year-old man at a networking event. He asked me (age 25) if I wanted children and I said no—a position I’ve developed since moving to NYC a few years ago. His response? “Oh you’re just going through your selfish phase. It will pass.”
His reply reminded me of the way that women tell men that they’re just scared of commitment when they say that they don’t want to get married. Because my anti-motherhood stance is relatively new and more fluid and dependent on current circumstances than etched in stone, I let the comment slide. But since I’ve come to find that this too is the reaction of my family to this choice, I can’t help but question, what is selfish about saying no to motherhood?
Being a mother is often considered the most selfless and thankless job in the world, and it may very well be, but that shouldn’t take anything away from women who don’t dream of baby carriages, first words, and school plays.
In some ways, motherhood has begun to look less appealing to women of generation Y, burdened by hard economic times, supposed limited options for marriage, and a desire for a booming career. On the surface, these issues may seem selfish, but I think the logic behind this thinking speaks to the exact opposite.
People like to say that children don’t need much, that all they need is love, support, etcetera, etcetera. That may be true fundamentally, but they also deserve the opportunity to attend the best schools possible, and to see the world outside of the two-block radius of their home, and to not have to balance school and work at a young age in order to help support the household. If I know that I don’t have the financial means to provide all of the things that I would want my child to have, then it is in no way selfish to say that motherhood is not for me.
Without striking a nerve with women who don’t feel that they need a man to have a child, I subscribe to the two-parent household school of thinking and if I don’t have any fatherly prospects, then I don’t think that I have any business having a child. Yes, single mothers have proven a million times over that a child can be raised well without a father, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she should be or that that is the ideal family situation. If the sound of rattles and nursery rhymes was playing so loudly in my mind that it kept me up at night, I could see the temptation to take matters into my own hands, but isn’t it a bit more selfish to think about what I want more than what my unborn child will need?
And of course there are countless examples of women who balance successful careers and motherhood in ways that seem unimaginable, but for women who already know that their career is always going to be number one in their life—there’s nothing selfish about saying that they don’t want children. They just hear the sound of corner offices and executive titles calling them more loudly than the cry of a newborn.
When I say that I don’t want children now and perhaps never, I’m not saying that I’m so important and cold that I could never nurture another human being. I’m saying that given my personal, mental, emotional, and financial status, it would be unfair to my offspring to bring them into the world. Isn’t the recognition that you’re unable to provide these things, and thus will not procreate, less selfish than the woman who’s always dreamed of having children, and despite the fact that she isn’t ready, decides to have them anyway?
Even without pitting these two types of women against each other, can we just accept that some women want to be mothers and some don’t? Motherhood isn’t the only way to demonstrate selflessness or to give of ones self, and women who choose to contribute to society in a different way should not be looked at as if they have three heads because they don’t want children.
I imagine that this generational shift will likely straighten itself out as time goes on, but until we get to that point, let’s stop using the s-word to describe such women.
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My thoughts as well.
Amen.
Nice! And really its presumptuous for someone to even ask or worry you with such things unless the person is in a serious relationship with you. The real issue is that people can’t keep to their own business- I don’t hear people asking other personal questions that have nothing to do with a conscious decision on their part. It’s all about societal expectations and a one size fits all mentality.
Now if we had the kind of French socialist healthcare system, that provides nanny services free of charge, and 6 weeks paid vacation mandated per year, or any of the other civil rights that the people of france riot for, perhaps many of us will be singing something different.
Even with that I still wouldn’t want kids.
Of course I know many women would have them if they weren’t worried about health care, maternity leave, etc.
I am VERY inpatient and I can’t deal with kids.
I’d much rather put my time and energy into my career and future relationship with a girlfriend.
I love this article.
I agree. Me eh wah no baby!!!!
Let the church say amen! Great article and so many awesome responses. I do not have any children and there are times I wonder if I really even want any. I enjoy my life…chaos and all and I’m comfortable financially but I know I want to be married before even seriously thinking about having a baby. I’m also enjoying putting all of my focus on me right now and seeing the world. A man “seeks” a wife so until then I plan to be in “position” to receive whatever God has for me…be it husband…baby…. or not.
Well said!
Your decision not to have children is not selfish on your part. I too decided at a young age not to have children, and at 47 I still do not have them, and I have no regrets. I received my share of comments about my so-called selfishness when this subject came up and this was my response: selfish is when a woman decides to have a child by a man in hopes that he will marry her; selfish is when a man fathers several children by either the same woman or different woman and doesn’t take care of them; selfish is when a couple decide to have a baby in an effort to save a marriage that is all but over and should not have happened to begin with; selfish is when people have children and then don’t get involved with their education and don’t train or discipline them; sensible is when someone decides that out of respect for the responsibility that comes with raising children, and by being caring enough not to want to bring a child into this world I don’t want, that doesn’t make me selfish, that makes me sensible.
I’m happy you stuck to your guns.I’m 48 and never wanted children. I have watched too many of my girl friends raise children alone. Yes, the men are not dead or in jail. The men have chosen to disappear on their own. I never wanted to get stuck raisng a child alone. I came from a solid 2 parent home and my father stated “Why buy the cow if you already have the milk”.I would tell any young black women under 35, if you really can afford to raise a child by your self go ahead. But, if you really plan to be together forever, forget about it…I’m just keeping it real…
I’ve been saying no to motherhood since a young age. People said the same thing to me “you’ll change your mind once you get older”, but i’m older and i still feel the same way.
Great Article! I don’t think it’s selfish at all to not want to have kids. I’m from Generation Y as well and although I don’t rule out the possibility of having kids there are a lot more things I want to do before that stage in my life. And if I don’t think I’m at a point where I can handle a long term relationship and life long commitment to my offspring I might not have kids at all. It’s my mother who wouldn’t be happy because she wants grand babies.
I loved this article. What I always find annoying are the people who look at me like I’m crazy when I say that I don’t want any kids. Or the ones who are surprised to see a Black woman without a trail of babies and baby daddy’s following her. Most annoying are the mother’s who condescendingly say: “You just don’t understand, you’re not a mother.”
So it’s good to see there are others who feel the same way. Thanks.
As a mother I totally applaud any woman who knows what she wants, or doesn’t want in this matter. I do not blame anyone who chooses not to bring a life into this unstable world. I love my children to death, but if I could go back in time, I would definitely see all that I wanted to see kid free and do all the things my mind could imagine without the hassle of arranging a babysitter or paying ridiculous fees to accommodate my family. I do not believe people should have children to satisfy a craving without having the the proper means to take care of them. Then again, is anyone ever really ready?
loved this piece. my mothers best friend and her husband have been married 20 years now, and they decided while they were still dating that they didnt want children because of other things they considered more important as a couple… like travelling, having a nice house in a nice neighborhood, being able to spend money less rigidly… all things that, while not impossible, would have been a lot harder on their combined incomes if they had had children. so they actually made the selfless decidion by opting not to have children that they didnt really want, werent ready for, and would deny them the things that they saw as important. Better that than having children because it’s ‘the right thing to do’
AMEN
I absolutely love this. I personally want children, but I cannot stand it when I hear other people pressuring others and guilting them because they have the NERVE not to want children. Last I checked, a woman has the right to choose when she wants to bring a life into this world. If that choice is never, then it should be respected.
Have no shame in your game! There is a whole community of us. It’s ironic because people think that having children with whoever and with little funds is NOT selfish. Child please, keep it moving! I made that pact for myself a long time ago, not to settle out of desperation or to please my dad and mom by giving them grandchildren. You have to be a little selfish in order to preserve your own sanity and also to provide any children, should you choose to have them, with the best opportunities and resources you can afford. The key word is afford and if you aren’t motivated by a loving AND dependable relationship in which to start a family, why bother. At the end of the day, you have to live with your choices. And it’s better to not bring anyone else, especially a baby, into uncertain circumstances. More power to you girl, I definitely share your sentiments! Dope piece!
perfectly stated! as for me, I’m not saying no to motherhood, I’m saying no the MYTH of the “strong black woman”
I already have kids and enjoy motherhood, but also support the Idea of women choosing to control their circumstances and lifestyles. I think society promotes the Idea of women balancing careers and children with the false Idea that it is heroic. Trying to balance the two means that one of them them suffers, but even more likely, the heroine is the one that suffers tugging herself between her own interests and others’. The only heroine to me is one who makes choices according to their own wants, be it carreer, kids, or both.
As a woman who waited until I was 40 to have a kid, I say for those who decide not too, you are in a better day and age to do so. Just think, women were called ‘old maids’ if they were not married by 30. And if you didn’t want kids that made you an automatic lesbian.
Sure I was pressured to have a kid cause I’d been married 4ever. But it was my decision in the end. What was ironic to me however was that people were quick to ask me why I didn’t have kids opposed to if I owned a business or had a masters degree. I found that very odd.
I dont think women who dont want children now or ever are selfish or cold. The selfishness comes into play when you have a child that you aren’t prepared to commit the next 18-21 years to raising and nuturing. Being a mother is a job that requires you to be responsible for another human being 24/7 and be willing to put your own desires,needs and goals second almost 80-90% of the time. I’m a single mother of three, work full-time and am pursuing a teaching degree, and yes sometimes I do envy my childless friends when they call me for drinks and I cant because I have no sitter but I wouldn’t trade my babies for anything. But it is totally unfair and unrealistic too expect every woman to want to be a mother, and to say “its just a selfish phase” belittles their decision and puts unfair pressure to conform to some ideal that makes the majority comfortable. And for those people who claim all children need is love and understanding have never dealt with fevers, tantrums, and the other trials that go along with children. If you want children by all means procreate until your heart is content, if you dont then walk tall and embrace your decision, afterall life is all about choices isn’t it?