The Goal Isn’t Finding Love, The Goal is Not Becoming Jaded While Waiting
That’s why finding “the one” isn’t a huge priority. Yes, I work to make sure I’m reading when said person comes along. Yes, I try to make sure I’m aware so I don’t miss said person. (I’m not sure you can miss “the one” if that’s what they are, and you if you do maybe they aren’t or there’s more than one.) Yes, I want love and all those things, but finding men is not really what I do. Don’t think it’s my job. Men find, women choose. But there is a lot of work in waiting. A lot that takes place before I get to choosing.
I feel like I spend a lot of my dating life paying for the mistakes of the women before me.
It doesn’t always come out in the beginning, but eventually I find out about a cheater or indifferent lover. At some point the huge fight where she listed all of the reasons he “ain’t shit” is recounted, and I see the hurt. I see the pain. Some times it’s not even the women he’s dated, but the other women in his life with whom he has had serious problems. The distance starts to make sense. His hesitance starts to make sense. The issues start to make sense.
At some point it clicks: It’s not about me.
People have ish they have to deal with and I can’t put a time constraint on their process. Just like when I’m recovering from a heart break or need space to figure out my wants and needs, it’s not about the dude who is pursuing at the time. He can be great, but if I’m not ready, I’m just not ready. And there’s nothing he can do to change that. Hell sometimes it’s not even that deep. It could just be a bad day or a packed schedule. The point is that it’s about me and where I am. The other point is folks have options. The choices are respect my process or leave.
My real focus is not becoming jaded.
I’m a person who gives a lot. I’m a person who is open and nurturing by default. I’m constantly growing and I have to make sure I don’t let another person’s issues and actions stunt my growth. I like to say “Don’t let his actions keep you from getting your Proverbs 31 on.” In the last few weeks, I’ve been reminded of past hurts. Everyone seemed to come back at once, and there was a lot for me to deal with. I had a conversation with My Boy and told him I wasn’t built for it. Wasn’t sure how many more times I could open myself up, get hurt, and then bounce back. Wasn’t sure how many more times I could be “great and amazing,” but not enough. No doubt it’s hard not to say “eff dudes.” It’s hard not to say “well, two can play that game.” But really it’s never worth it. Once you’re in the space of game playing, trying to get over, or just being way too guarded, it’s really hard to come out.
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My thoughts as well.
“Yes, I want love and all those things, but finding men is not really what I do. Don’t think it’s my job. Men find, women choose. But there is a lot of work in waiting. A lot that takes place before I get to choosing.”
I’m curious if the author means proactively waiting (Still speaking up if she sees a man she likes but not rushing anything) or just sitting back and waiting to be approached by Prince Charming? I know that the article goes in a different direction after that part, but I feel like some folks will be waiting forever if they do nothing but wait for the man to “do his job.”
As for the rest of the article, I think it can be applied to men as well…except we’ll be jaded for different reasons. See any post written by a male blogger that starts with “women ain’t” and you’ll see what I mean.
The last paragraph describes the last two months of my life exactly. I am also a nuturer and spent much of my 20s trying to make someone else happy. In the end, I was hurt and I hurt to other party as well(I began getting jaded as nothing ever seemed to pan out, no matter how much work I put into the situation). Now, all of those people are coming back. Being reunited with these people is interesting on so many levels.
In some ways, I feel like it’s closure. It opens the door for communicating about the situation. Yes, we hurt each other but I have learned and am moving on from that hurt. Sometimes, we want more but it’s clear that something is still holding that person back. Mostly, it’s that slap in the face to remind me of why things never worked and why I have put in effort to get past the source of my issue.
Great article and this is my goal as well. Its very hard to do, well for me anyway, as I watch everyone and their mama get engaged and married. I struggle with missing relationships from the past and how happy I was back the, how optimistic I was about the future. The future is now here and it isn’t bright. Its very hard.
* how happy I was back then
I love this article. This perfectly describes my situation. The problem is it is very difficult. I have been through so much sadness and disappointment. Everyone seems to be in a couple but me. No matter what I do, it is just not happening for me. It is depressing and has made me depressed. I believe in love and know that it exists. I have seen it all my life. However, I might have to brace myself that I won’t have love in my life.
I am so grateful to the author of this article for addressing and expressing this issue so clearly and candidly. I’ve been feeling this way since a recent potential romance once again didn’t work out. He promised me this and that and in the end I grew restless of waiting, he came clean about his inability to follow through and I cried.
Men have no idea how hard it is for women, good women, to continuously experience let down after let down and still prevent ourselves from becoming the Angry Black Woman stereotype. To my fellow daters I’m going to tell you what I hope to believe myself again one day soon, have faith that God will send you your ideal mate in time. When He is ready, he is ready and you are ready.
God has already comforted me in allowing me to feel some support from this article and I hope its done the same for you.Know that he is able and we ARE amazing, no matter what those men say, think,do or don’t do.
THIS…whole article is EXACTLY it.
There is a VERY fine light between searching/seeking and passively waiting. I try to stay open to possibilities, while still protecting my neck and heart. In the meantime, I take the opportunities presented and try not to seek lesbianism as an alternative. (ha! i kid!)
In the meantime, I live. I live full, whole-heartedly, with zest and gusto. I work – to pay bills and improve my sense of self. The same thing I would do if I was attached. I am SO tired of people telling me to ‘work on myself’ while Im single as if I stop doing that just because I’d like someone in my life. They arent mutually exclusive!
As for the ladies above me, who struggle being surrounded by love.. trust me.. I feel you! I’m a planner and get to work with happy brides on bringing their special day to life!
if love is something that you want, they trust that it will find you. It’s not easy, and I struggle with my lack of faith more than anything else..but it’s always worth the wait!
Good article! If everyone is jaded (men are, too), then there will be few to no healthy and successful relationships.
“Don’t let his actions keep you from getting your Proverbs 31 on” Thank you for that. a great reminder for me as the new year ensues :) Thanks for the article too. I relate so much!
I think the message about not getting jaded is fantastic (and I can def empathize with paying for the sins of women before me!), but I take some issue with the “men find, women choose” memo. If that is the author or any woman’s personal method, that’s fine. But I wouldn’t suggest that it works for everyone. A man can be totally blindsided by love while not looking to find it and a woman can be on the lookout when she bags her desired…who may have had a few women to pick from. And I think that anyone who seriously wants a relationship has the responsibility to be proactive: being social, considering available ways of meeting potential mates, etc. When I was casually introduced to my now boyfriend, I didn’t wait on the porch for him to come sweep me off my feet. I didn’t court him myself, but I was proactive about communicating with him and spending time together. Our first date was actually my suggestion. We both had other people in our lives at the time and ‘chose’ each other. I had been very proactive about meeting new men and going on dates prior to him and I feel like I did my own “finding”. There’s a lot of sisters out here looking for men, I feel like waiting to get found is a little too risky.
But that aside, lovely message and I hope that you continue to be positive and put yourself first during your search! Being jaded certainly isn’t healthy for anyone.
I thought this article was awesome. I’m still in college and I find that I unfortunately have already become jaded. I wanted to reply to Jamilah about this idea of not “waiting to get found.” I think that is a LOT easier said then done and I just wanted to emphasize that. I guess you can say I have been proactive and have only been thoroughly hurt, humiliated and totally embarrassed. We live in a society that does not give women agency in that regard and heads still turn if women are even the slightest bit assertive. I am so glad that it worked out for you but we have to remember the sexist society in which we live. I am not saying we shouldn’t challenge it but I just think we can’t make light of that reality.
Wow, the last paragraph describes me perfectly. This is a great article because becoming jaded, well at least for me, is hard because on one hand you want to be optimistic but on the other you are like “forget it, I rather be alone” I’ am still in a learning process and finding things to do while I wait for love by working on me more, getting out there and just letting things be
Hard, but not impossible. I try to keep positive males around me. My father, male friends and an open heart despite the past. I REFUSE to be a victim to the past. I think more ppl need to work through their “Ish” in order to fend off being jaded. Ahhhh I would have enjoyed the article more had it not just ended where it did. Maybe there will be a Part2?? ;)
Trying to keep that balance myself, tippin on the tightrope JM style!!!!
“I think that anyone who seriously wants a relationship has the responsibility to be proactive: being social, considering available ways of meeting potential mates, etc. When I was casually introduced to my now boyfriend, I didn’t wait on the porch for him to come sweep me off my feet. I didn’t court him myself, but I was proactive about communicating with him and spending time together. Our first date was actually my suggestion. We both had other people in our lives at the time and ‘chose’ each other. I had been very proactive about meeting new men and going on dates prior to him and I feel like I did my own “finding”. There’s a lot of sisters out here looking for men, I feel like waiting to get found is a little too risky.”
Super real Jamilah. My finding and choosing has to do with the courting and wooing that goes on. I feel like women should definitely be open and communicate. I’m just anti-chasing.
Thanks every one for commenting! It good to see so many people are actively deciding not to be bitter and jaded. I’ll let keep y’all updated on my mission :)
You just touched on the story of my life right now!
it’s hard not to be jaded when you’re still recovering. And I know for myself, I’m still in recovery mode & I’m not ready to date as of yet. It wouldn’t be fair to either party. This article & other things around me serve as a constant reminder to stay my positive & once I am able I’ll be doing a little bit of finding AND choosing.
Not to be harsh or un-empathetic; however, quite simply, Happiness is a Choice. There is a such a wonderous world around us and great people within it – finding hapiness would be easier to achieve if you 1) do not predicate it being in a relationship, 2) 86 the silly protocol from our grandparents generation (i.e., ‘waiting for the right man to choose you on the right day’.
‘My real focus is not becoming jaded’, is actually quite saddening. Do you go to work with an attitude of ‘I’m trying to not get fired’???
You’re quite right. Happiness is a choice and isn’t about a relationship. The “waiting” thing is more so about not chasing. And not being jaded is about not letting the bumps in the road get you down. It’s very easy to let situations and circumstances negatively impact your outlook on life. And I refuse to do it. I rather enjoy being happy :)
What you are saying is right. But I think the author was speaking on relationships and not on happiness, and being unhappy just because you aren’t in a relationship.
I think she was trying to say, even though she’s been hurt, she does still believe and will not stop.
She is not saying her whole happiness in life depends on having a man in her life.
“At some point it clicks: It’s not about me.” <–This.
I've met men who didn't just have issues with exes but with themselves and with their identity or their race. I would say don't let other people's issues become your own in which you devalue yourself.
beautiful article
I love this and relate to it so much! Its nice to know I am not the only one going through this and thinking the same thoughts. Sometimes trying to voice this to others, I feel these feelings go unheard or are misunderstood. Knowing I’m not alone makes me feel a lot better.