I’ll Be There – Young Professionals Take on Serious Family Responsibilities

MW says:

Though of course, I could very well be wrong, I think this is a pressure most echoed with the first child of any family. . . to be honest, I don’t think this is an issue alien to any culture.
As the child of an educated foreign family, I still find much pressure to do everything for family first: my education is my own but my financial prowess is definitely first to make sure my most important home base is good.

T. Hall says:

I’m glad this struck a chord for you all, it’s something I (and my friends) definitely struggle with, but I don’t know how many people really talk about the things they have to do to make sure their families are taken care of.

@MW, you are definitely right about the whole ‘oldest’ thing, I find that the expectations are that you will set the example.

TB says:

Thank you for this article. My situation is very similar, and I often feel like very few of my peers understand, as most of my friends are from affluent homes and don’t have the same family dynamics. Although I do pretty well, my friends have more disposable income to shop, travel, etc., while I help my single mom with bills and college tuition for my younger sibling. I feel blessed to be able to help, however I am overwhelmed at times because I know my life choices (i.e., leaving a stable job for one that’s more fulfilling; taking off a few months to travel) will impact my financial obligations. I also feel like I’m bound to doing what I have to do and not what always what I want to do.

All in all, my experience has made me stronger and financially wiser, but I’m still working on finding that balance of providing for my family and doing what makes me happy.

Thanks for this outlet. Whew!!

AnonyMISS says:

Like many of you I can definitely relate. As the oldest child of 4 to a single mother I have always felt responsible and been more like the 2nd parent to my siblings as well as my mom’s partner. At 28 years old with my mom who’s out of work I am close to being tapped out. My job pays decently, but not enough to support myself, my mother and youngest sister, which I’ve had to do since the middle of last year when my mother was laid off. This is the 2nd time she’s had to move in with me. I understand the economy is not good, but I’m nearing the end of my rope. She isn’t doing what she needs to do to change her situation and it’s beginning to impede in me accomplishing my own goals. Part of me feels selfish, but the other part of me feels that if I don’t draw the line somewhere I could be stuck in this position for a very long time and my mom will never learn to truly stand on her own two feet. She hasn’t done so in over 10 years.

Jaz says:

Damn. I haven’t read all of the comments but I swore I was the only one going through this. I’m not in college yet, but i’m 18 and an only child taking care of my mother, as a result of this here recession. For nearly the 3 years now, I’ve been taking care of me and my mother, and although I don’t mind it because I’d literally peel the skin off my back for my mother if she needed it, it gets hard. I am thankful for being able, and even enjoying the simple luxuries, like getting my nails done, going out to lunch with friends, etc, I still want to be able to do more for us. I hated having to balance keeping up with the joneses in high school, all while paying every single bill in the house. I wanted my mom happy, and at least able to take a hot shower, make a phone call, go into the fridge and make a meal, to be able to not have to worry about going without. Me and my mother are a team, and she’s trying as hard as she can which is fine because she’s older and I really am preparing to take care of her for the long haul if I have to, I just wish I had more to give after the bills were paid. And through college I fear like hell for money. So I understand. I thank God I found this article, at times I feel so alone.

Anonymous says:

It is hard for me to relate, personally. I guess I take it for granted that my parents pay for my school/apartment/vacations/bills, have real estate/investments/money market accounts/Roth IRA arranged for me and never want me to leave home (until I’m married or decide to). My family is in no way rich but we’re fairly stable financially (upper middle class, net worth). I appreciate that my mother (although a single parent via divorce) was intentional in preserving my childhood–my mother never shared bills or finances with me, I was highly discouraged from working while in school (my job was to be a student), I’ve attended private schools all of my life, got a new car when I was 16, etc.

I do empathize with you all and with a close friend who’s filing for bankruptcy (instead of having her mother go to jail) because she opened over 5 credit cards in her name while she was in college. In Addition, I have another close friend whose mother grew up poor–one of 14 siblings– and gave money out like an ATM I guess out of guilt of having “made it” financially/career wise. This close friend of mine “loaned” $1000 to a first cousin with “money problems” and it had been 1.5 years since he’s received a PENNY of that money he “loaned” (e.g. he gave the money with no promissory note including payment schedule, interest and the like). His mother (age 63) sat him down recently and told him to break that cycle. She begged him to not to be like her, getting used and loaning money out of guilt to family members, and to say no and set boundaries. As a result, my buddy hunted that 1st cousin of his down and got that promissory note in order and has received $400 dollars ($600 dollars in collateral from his supposedly “broke” cousin).

All that being said, the question is how do you set boundaries? When do you finally say no, I can’t loan the money or help you pay bills. When it comes to money and family I feel that it’s okay (and often mutually beneficial) to say no. If I’m not significantly financially secure and able to enjoy life, I can’t help someone else to be financially set. If you have to go to work everyday, why would your family believe you’re rich? Do you look like Oprah or Bill Gates (who choose to work)?

Again, it can actually be empowering and more helpful to break the cycle and say NO (no quotation marks). I do understand certain circumstances (i.e. parents are disabled or terminally ill) but for healthy, competent individuals there should very few excuses (especially with all of the resources and opportunity in America).