Tracy McMillan Tells Women Why They’re Not Married

Tuesday Feb 15, 2011 – by Clutch

“Mad Men” television writer and memoirist, Tracy McMillan, penned a Valentine’s Day treat for all the single women. In her Huffington Post article, “Why You’re Not Married,” the three times divorcee enlightens women with six reasons why they have yet to check off that box that says married.

Although I’m over the single lady stories in all its facets- whether it’s advice to single women or women shouting from the rooftops they are happily single- it was so eloquently written I kept reading. But I should have known better. McMillan writes:

But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it.

1. You’re a Bitch.

Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so.

Did she really just give women the Kim Kardashian angry detector to compare their behavior to? Need I go any further? Oh but I will. Jumping to number three, McMillan writes:

3. You’re a Slut.

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

How classy. I know every woman doesn’t get down with the f word- feminism. But for me this article had too many anti-feminism notions I don’t subscribe to. However, if you eliminate feminism altogether, the article is still rather crass. Nothing on the list applies to me per se, but it was still offensive to women overall. I’m really tired of everyone telling women why they aren’t married, why they can’t find a man, there is something wrong with women, be a lady in public, but turn into Karrine Steffans in the bedroom, don’t be so aggressive, your degrees won’t keep you warm. Enough already!

I would totally have expected this article to be written by a man. But are women really this unconcerned about spewing such vitriol to other women? I just don’t see how this article is helping unmarried women get married if that is their goal, even if this list applies.

Several women thought the article was hysterically true, co-signing every word. I’ll proudly say I am not a part of that group.

Are the “self-help” type articles for women actually helpful? Does McMillan have a point or was she completely out of line?

What say you?

Leo Leone says:

February 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I agree wholeheartedly with the points Ms. Mcmillan has made. Many desirable and intelligent women I’ve known seem to wake up in their 30s and 40s, single and without a decent man in their life simply because they ARE real bitches–at heart. They’re demanding, selfish, self-centered and overly critical in a catty or nit-picking way. No man wants a bitchy prima donna in his life. And yes, these ladies do tend to go settle for meaningless one-night stands out of sheer laziness—But hey, making a serious relationship work takes real time and effort.

I once dated what I thought was the perfect woman some years ago. She was smart and cute. She was a talented singer and musician. Okay, she was a bit chubby for my tastes but still, she had a nice body and, I thought, a nice personality to match. And I was really smitten with her–for all of about 2 weeks.

But after the first date, the headgames began. She’d come over for dinner and a movie–and without warning, suddenly she’d leave in the middle of a romantic film–we were watching Titanic. And she did this twice! The second time, she left when we were in the middle of casually cuddling, and she leaps up and announces she had forgotten a prior engagement and heads for the door. Okay, fine. I just assumed she was forgetful and disorganized.

She then calls me a week later, a little irritated, and demands to know why I haven’t phoned her for so long. My god, lady, you’ve walked out on me twice–on two consecutive dates–just when we were having what seemed like a very pleasant evening. She said she was just testing me and that if I really and truly cared about her I would have tried to stop her from leaving… She claimed she read this in a ladies magazine. Whoa…Say what? You play headgames with a potential boyfriend based on what you’ve read in some shallow, pop culture rag?

That’s just way too manipulative and childish for me–and I told her so. You really do need to grow up, young lady–she was 25 at the time, I was 37.

Within 3 months, she had a new boyfriend–a skanky, unemployed, heavily tatooed drug addict who knocked her up and proceeded to beat and abuse her. She ended up getting a restraining order on him–which suited him fine since he abandoned both her and his child….

She then preceeded to make a full court press for my affections–yet again! But as I was involved with another woman at the time–and still am–I politely declined. This didn’t stop her from making multiple attempts to get me to dump my future wife. She’d urgently call and ask to meet me to lunch claiming she needed my advice when all she really wanted was to check and see if my wife and I were still together and whether I’d be interested in getting back with her. Like, hey, toots, I’m a happily married man… Get it?

Now, she spends most of her time bitterly complaining about men in general. Apparently, we’re all rats to her. She’s gained about 100 lbs. She’s angry and frustrated. And I have no doubt she will be this way–bitterly single–for the rest of her life. But hey, she’s a really manipulative bitch–and apparently, she only gives it up to bad boys and trashy low lifes.

Apparently, nice guys are only useful to help out with the child support and to listen to her piss and moan about her crappy, self-inflicted life. But hey, she brought it all on herself.

↑ Reply

DryerBuzz says:

February 25, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Express your self – whew you got that off your chess. Don’t tell nobody else the long story. Only 199 more pages and you got a book. Write that write that! I hung in there for the ending.

“Apparently, nice guys are only useful to help out with the child support and to listen to her piss and moan about her crappy, self-inflicted life.”

Nice guys need to date nice girls.
LouderThanThey says:

March 2, 2011 at 1:38 am

@ DryerBuzz LMAO!

Marguerite says:

February 27, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I agree with the two points you have here. First of all, men don’t want an angry woman. They don’t like confrontation. You ever notice that about men? They want things to go along smoothly.
And the second point is a no-brainer! A slut is okay, but they don’t want to marry one. Well unless you are an athlete, they tend to wife sluts. But an intelligent man is not going to marry a slut. What would mother think?

Leo Leone says:

February 28, 2011 at 9:09 am

Hey Marguerite,

As a follow-up, I would add that some of the lonliest and bitterest women I know today were the ones who played the hardest to get with the nice guys when they were younger but rolled over for the bad boys at the drop of a hat. But where are their bad boys now? Nowhere to be found. But hey, good men don’t split when the kids show up.

Ladies, do yourselves a favor. Steer clear of the low lifes and the dirtbags of this world. They’ll only drag you down and never lift you up. Find yourself a decent guy and hang on to him. Forget what your girlfriends may think. Let them all wait around for Charlie Sheen to show up at their doors. Just do what’s right for you. A good guy will be there for you the rest of your life simply because he loves you—now, what more can you ask from a man?

Okay, sure, there’s lots more you could ask for–but get a good man in your life, first–and then ask him for it…You’re much more likely to get what you want out of life from someone who loves and respects you and wants to please you.

February 27, 2011 at 2:28 pm

This girl writes for Mad men? I used to watch Mad men, but the writing is boring! The story lines could be better and because it is set in the early sixties, there is so much potential there, but no one takes advantage of it. I don’t know why it keeps winning awards, the storylines suck!!! They need to step it up three notches, the show is a big BORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nonchalanto says:

March 1, 2011 at 1:00 am

Where to begin?

I’ll just add my two cents for people who’d like to get married…which is in between Macmillan’s and Clutch’s points…probably closer to Macmillan’s :-)

I think we should stop assuming the right guy is “secure” or “mentally wholesome” or whatever elegant phrases women’s magazine editors like to use. Because most of the time, Mr. Right isn’t any of these things. He’s like your brother…or your cousin…or that weird dude in your high school. (There actually isn’t a Mr. Right store). He does like Kim Kardashian, he may be very shallow, he may expect you’ll do all the cooking, he may actually be somewhat insecure in your success etc. and he really hates to admit it but that’s really how he feels and it’s alright….if you can help him work through it. Also, he doesn’t like for you to be mad at him. Period, end of story. Some guys can cope well with (well deserved) criticism/anger but they are few and far in between. So yes, women need to learn to tether their temper…..as you would with a toddler….many guys are just as unhappy with criticism as 3-year olds are.

That said, given that guys aren’t all that perfect, you should look for the best of the best of the imperfect heap for yourself. You should at least get the best bang for your buck for all the effort that goes into this recruiting exercise. Since they all like Kim Kardashian (for instance), get the Kim-Kardashian-enthusiast with a college degree in finance or something, lol. See where I am going? Do not EVER give your number to deadbeats (or their friends).

To summarize,….HE asks you to marry him…(hopefully not the other way around for reasons I won’t get into). So since he’s pulling the trigger, you HAVE to play by his rules. Good/bad rules, his rules are the rules of the game. To the extent you cannot force a man to marry you, you simply need to get him to WANT to. You know….like a job interview. You don’t go to an interview telling your potential employer what-all he should and should not be like…..what your ground rules are etc. If you’ve decided you love this guy and he’s the right one etc. you have the capability to manage the relationship (=> the wedding) and then train him to be what you want AFTER you are married, lol….not before.

Littlevoice says:

March 1, 2011 at 6:03 am

If the headline of this article read: “Why I am not married” then it would seem less like projection and more plausible.

Not all women who are unmarried have these issues. People with issues tend to assume that perfectly healthy human beings have issues also. So, I’ll take this with a pinch of salt.

However this does explain the misogyny perpetuated in Mad Men that we’re sold in the name of authenticity.

Kam says:

March 4, 2011 at 1:59 am

At this point I’m not taking any dating advice from anyone besides people who are MARRIED and have been for a while like my parents who have been married for 38 years. The amount of screwed up advice and complaints just have me shaking my head.
Men don’t like when women get angry? Then marry a dog because they seem to be happy all the gotdang time.

Seriously, my mom gets angry at my dad, when he leaves his socks on the floor for the 5 millionth time, or forgets to mail an important document, or tries to fix something and doesn’t finish it. They argue for a bit, maybe don’t talk for a couple of hours, and then one of them extends the olive branch and makes up. Then a day later they forget what they were fighting about or laugh about it.

There’s one thing my parents NEVER do however, is demean or insult each other when they fight. There is no cursing, no calling someone a name, no insulting the other person’s character, and this is one thing that I don’t see happen too often in modern day relationships.

I think too many Black couples do not have good role models for relationships or marriage period.

Lisa says:

March 4, 2011 at 11:25 pm

What McMillan wrote was supposed to be a piece of satire, but you know know makes a satire good? When the majority of the readers didn’t miss the point and actually laughed. She’s such a horrible satirist that no wonder none of the TV series she’s written for are that well-known.

Shame on Singletons | Femometer says:

October 25, 2011 at 5:10 pm

[...] })(); TweetTracy McMillan’s article “Why You’re Not Married” caused quite a stir last February. Her conclusion, aimed at unmarried women, was that unmarried women fell into one of [...]