Greek Draft Picks 2011

March 26, 2011 by T. Hall

While watching Dave Chappelle’s ‘Racial Draft’ sketch the other day, I couldn’t help but think two things: A. he is a genius, and B. there is another ‘draft’ that would be just as interesting…the Greek draft. Cherry picking celebrities based on how well they fit BGLO stereotypes is something I (and other people) would pay to see. And before one of ye Mighty Greeks steps down from Mt. Olympus to smite me with a lightning bolt, please know this is all in jest.

The Guys:

Alphas

Stereotype: Intelligent, upstanding gentleman; even-tempered. Members include civil rights leader Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., philosopher Dr. Cornel West, author Hill Harper.

During school – will simultaneously organize community service and a classy cabaret. After college – will become the president of the United States or a widely published author, or both.

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Barack Obama, J. Cole, Jay Z, Wale

Ques

Stereotype: Rowdy; party starters; center of attention. Members include basketball star Shaquille O’Neal, comedian Bill Cosby, adult entertainer Lexington Steele, and 106 & Park host Terrence J.

During school- will lick a woman’s face as a greeting and/or wear gold-painted construction boots everywhere. After college – will become a captain of an industry, a pastor, or the president of an HBCU.

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Rick Ross, Waka Flocka Flame, Phonte Coleman (of Little Brother/Foreign Exchange)

Kappas

Stereotype: Dapper, a ladies’ man, picky. Members include comedian Cedric The Entertainer, former DC mayor Adrian Fenty, Eddie Long , and R&B singer Montell Jordan.

During School– will likely cover a woman in whipped cream and lick it all off, then proceed to do naughty things to her with his cane. After college – (see previous).

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Trey Songz, Lloyd, Bobby Valentino, Lance Gross, Drake

Sigma

Stereotype: All around good guys; funny; regular dudes; good steppers. Members include scientist Dr. George Washington Carver, Ghana’s first president Kwame Nkrumah, backup quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers Charlie Batch, and radio personality J. Anthony Brown.

During School – will walk you to class and tell funny jokes along the way. After college – will have a steady job and want to marry you.

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Kevin Hart, Nick Cannon, Mario

Iotas

Stereotype: (I personally haven’t met enough Iotas to make a judgment call, so I’ll just take an educated guess). Distinguished members include T.C. Carson (‘Kyle’ from Living Single).

During School – Unknown. After college – (See previous)

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Cole Brown (from Martin), Dwayne Wayne (from A Different World), Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis of the Boston Celtics

The Ladies:

AKAs

Stereotype: High-maintenance, bourgeois. Members include actress Phylicia Rashad, author Maya Angelou, actress Vanessa Bell Calloway (from Coming to America), civil rights icon Coretta Scott King.

During School - will make you feel self-conscious about your new growth, your home-made outfit and your run-over shoes with a single side-eye. After college – will go on to become a beauty editor at a prominent fashion magazine.

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Lauren London, Teairra Marí, Amerie, model Chanel Iman, Mya

Deltas

Stereotype: The girl next door, business-oriented, level-headed. Members include activist and educator Dr. Betty Shabazz, actress Keisha Knight-Pulliam, singer Lena Horne, and author Nikki Giovanni.

During School – will organize students to canvass for the re-election of a local official, and judge you harshly if you do not participate. After college – will be the presiding judge when your money laundering scheme goes sour.

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Sanaa Lathan, Nia Long, Regina King, Michelle Obama*

*Before you set your mouth to say “Michelle Obama is already an honorary AKA,” just know there is something about her that is undeniably DST. It could be her I-don’t-play-games demeanor, her decidedly low-key style, or the fact that she has Barack on a leash shorter than Gary Coleman. In my mind she’s a Delta.

Zetas

Stereotype: No-nonsense, loyal, and opinionated. Members include comedienne Sheryl Underwood, author Zora Neale Hurston, actors Esther Rolle and Ja’net Dubois (Florida and Willona from Good Times), and chanteuse Syleena Johnson.

During School – will play your face by loud talking you while you take the ‘walk of shame’ from the boy’s dorm. After college – will become comedienne, and get paid to loud talk you for sitting in the front row.

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Jennifer Hudson, Raven Symone, Wendy Raquel Robinson/Tasha Mack (from The Game)

SGRhos

Stereotype: Bookish, shy, educationally focused. Distinguished members include Oscar winner Hattie McDaniel, singer Kelly Price and actress Victoria Rowell (from Young & the Restless).

During School – will be your Math 101 tutor, will be deeply committed to community service. After college – will be the millionaire next door, and you won’t even know it.

Greek Draft 2011 Picks: Denise and Vanessa Huxtable, Condolezza Rice, Chrisette Michelle