Why Buy The Cow: Is Premarital Sex Why Men Won’t Grow Up?
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I will never forget when I first heard those words. It was sophomore year of high school and I was sitting at the kitchen table in my best friends house. Her mother had been lecturing us on how we shouldn’t complain about not having boyfriends (or in our case, boys we could claim to have made out with). And while usually these lectures, from her mom and mine ended with “…so just worry about doing your work,” this conversation ended with a suggestion that maybe there was more than just our underclassmen awkwardness that was to blame.
I’ll admit that for a brief time in my life, I tried pretending that the cow question didn’t matter and tried to tap into my inner short haired Melanie Barnett. Remember- those moments with McSteamy? “I’m dancing and emphasizing!”
Well. Let’s just say that in real life, as inThe Game, that experiment in freedom crashed and burned.
Since then, the cow question has framed the way I view all start up relationships. I hate to think of women as cattle, but when it comes to the dynamics of dating, the metaphor appears more and more fitting And while it is easy to dismiss as an old fashioned notion, it’s even harder to disprove.
This week in a piece for Salon, Mark Regnerus writes about “Why young men have the upper hand in bed, even when they’re failing in life.” The article, “Sex Is Cheap,” reflects very much the idea that despite their overwhelming success over men their age, young women lag behind in one area- their sex lives.
Yes, sex is clearly cheap for men. Women’s “erotic capital,” as Catherine Hakim of the London School of Economics has dubbed it, can still be traded for attention, a job, perhaps a boyfriend, and certainly all the sex she wants, but it can’t assure her love and lifelong commitment. Not in this market. It’s no surprise that the percentage of 25- to 34-year-olds who are married has shrunk by an average of 1 percent each year this past decade.
Is the declining marriage rate tied to women giving it away? This is the debate that seems to divide the “sexually liberated” from the “prudish ones.” Honestly, it’s a pointless debate, spilt milk if you will, because even if pre-martial sex is not the reason for a decline in marriage, it still says something about being a woman in today’s day and age.
For young men nowadays, sex is indeed cheap. I mean its Dave Chappelle-the-stock-has-plummeted-Loehmanns’-red-sticker-muddy-hell-just-dirt cheap. The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health found that 30 percent of men 18 to 23 were able to get sex from a woman without ever taking her on a date, trying to woo her, nothing. So at best here, we’re talking Netflix night and ordering in General Tso’s for two.
Even worse than the number of women putting out for Chinese food? The amount of men who with a little early magic are getting it in. For 36 percent of young men, sex was already happening with two weeks of the relationship and an additional 13 percent of men were getting it within a month. Now, if we consider that not ever relationship is considered exclusive- the numbers could get even worse.
(While I’m sure I could sit down and attempt to calculate that out- it’d probably just add to the pulsing headache I already have. So I’ll just say this:)
For all the complaining we do about men our age not growing up, maybe more emphasis needs to be places on why women are driving their own sexual capital down. Even if marriage isn’t the goal you seek, earning respect should be. I have never known all I needed to know about a man in month, bump two weeks. What I do know is how quickly as women we can feel like we do and end up proven wrong.
Some will say that women give it away because, if they don’t some other woman will. I have no argument against that. In fact, I think it’s entirely true. I also think though, that if a guy chooses sex with someone else because you won’t give it up by the apparent 30 day deadline, that that was God’s will for him in your life.
No one here is advocating for doubling the Joan Clayton three month rule, but dating has gone from being a process to a precursor- and it’s a problem. One month, two week or the first night, sex isn’t a way to rope him in, it’s a way to sell yourself out. And I know- men are quick to say that sex is not the only factor in why they don’t commit- I can believe it. I also believe that you will never see a man in a healthy committed relationship with a girl he doesn’t respect. There is such a thing as giving it away too soon- and though one can never set a time for it- women shouldn’t be giving it up before that respect has been established.
The truth is that if we’re looking for commitment, getting left behind for sex is a risk more women are just going to have to go ahead and take.
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Um, radical notion: maybe women have sex with men because they like to have sex, too? And maaaaybe not all of us want to get married or spend weeks getting to know a guy before getting laid. Maybe we’re even glad times have changed and we don’t have to pretend we don’t like sex, that it’s no longer something we “give away“ instead of have and enjoy.
Co-sign!
I was thinking the exact same thing while reading this article. I can kinda understand where the author is coming from when it comes to using sex to “rope” a man. But there are plenty of women out there who just want to have fun. Im 21 and I’m not looking to get married anytime soon. But when that day comes to settle down and get into a serious committed relationship, I’ll take the advice. I just think this advice is applicable to all women
correction: I just think this advice ISN’T applicable to all women
@Soe
You are so on point and I love you.
I see your point Soe. There are whores on both sides of the gene pool. This article highlights how morally challenged individuals very often work diligently to devalue themselves. A high percentage of men have done it for eons. Sadly, some women are doing all they can to drag themselves down to the same level. That’s… progress???
as much as some of you might hate to hear it but when that day comes you want to marry a lot of men wont be interested in you anymore because of your past. sleeping around leaves its marks on one’s soul (broken hearts, being treated like a piece of meat, inhibition threshold going down) and body (stds, abortions, kids).
as much as i wish we all could just sleep around and have our fun before we one day have a wonderful lifelasting marriage, truth is these 2 are competing lifestyles. you have to decide which way to go and i aint judging no one for his decision, i just want you to know what you are doing. this is not opinion but fact, check marriage/divorce rates and promiscuity rates for different countries and find out for yourself.
i have to cosign the author,
you cant have the cake and eat it!
To me this article seems like its shaming women who don’t wait to fall in love to have sex with a man. All the while accusing women of being the reason men are not growing up. Its not men or women fault per say. Look at the world we live in now a person doesn’t have to be settled down with a mortgage and a baby by 30 anymore. 18-23 year-olds in the 21st century are not the same adults as 18-23 year-olds were even 20 years ago. Times have changed and people have more time to focus on themselves we have come to a time where people generally live longer and have more control over (especially women) their lives. This means extended time to play! Its being labeled pre-adulthood and I don’t blame people at all for not rushing into things. Society is changing and that means societal norms will change. Ladies I would advise that we stop trying to rush everything by measuring our success by our men, mortgages, careers, and babies there is more to living that these things no matter how important they may be or seem. Take heed from the boys go play a little. Live a little and find out what your really and truly want out of this life because you only get one shot at it :)
“All the while accusing women of being the reason men are not growing up”
Exactly, why is the maturity of men dependent upon the behavior of women? I would really love to see someone argue the reverse, that premarital sex is somehow keeping women from growing up.
‘Exactly, why is the maturity of men dependent upon the behavior of women?’
lol for once we agree! cosign 100% with isolde and all of the comments above
I don’t think the act of sex itself is where it get dangerous. Both Men and Women enjoy sex so in that sense both people are benefitting. I think it’s moreseo women feeling like they HAVE to have sex as well as do other things to keep a man, that one the female may begin to come up short. Since so many relationships these days aren’t exclusive. Women are having to compete with the next girl and do more and more sexually and otherwise all in hopes of beating the other one out, while the guy in question is just sitting back with his feet up.
“Women are having to compete with the next girl and do more and more sexually and otherwise all in hopes of beating the other one out, while the guy in question is just sitting back with his feet up.”
We don’t HAVE to compete… some of us just blindly choose to because we have the misguided notion that there is some prize at the end of the competition. Um, no. There’s never a chance at “beating” any other woman out, only at allowing a man to easily have his many cupcakes and eat them, too. Not only are guys sitting back with their feet up, they are laughing while watching women figuratively tear down, knock out, drag and claw each other’s eyes out to “get” him. SMH
When we will ever learn? A few of the worst aspects about a post-feminist attitude towards casual sex of “I’m getting mine like he gets his” is that we are destroying our minds (depression, loneliness), bodies (HIV, HPV, etc) and sisterhood while hanging on to the notion we should be allowed to “play” a little bit before settling down. I ask you this- who are you marrying after all this playing around? There are clear differences between men and women and most men will tell you they definitely aren’t marrying that girl that they know hooked up with a bunch of guys. We may not like it but it’s reality.
Exactly why I wholeheartedly agree with the author. The age old cliche of not buying the milk when you already have the cow holds up truer than ever in today’s society. The evidence is startlingly clear all around us and I’m paying attention. No way will I let a man sex me when he’s sexing several other females. If he doesn’t like it, so be it. I don’t want a man so shallow and superficial anyway. Let’s stop creating even more narcissists and hold on to our respect and dignity by saying, “Let’s wait awhile.”
I have to agree with Chaunece! It really isn’t the physical act of sex that is the problem. It is what the sex represents. African Americans are suffering from soaring HIV/AIDS infection rates and let’s be honest, MOST women are not having sex for the joy of sex… They are having it because they want something more and like Chaunece is saying, they are competing with each other.
I agree with pretty much what everyone else has said. The only thing I take issue with is when you say MOST women are not having sex for the joy of sex. I just think that is a pretty bold statement. Women love sex, we enjoy having sex. I don’t know understand why sex for women is constantly viewed as a means to get a man to commit. For many women, sex is a personal act and choice and it is used for sexual gratification.
When sex is framed as a chore for women and something we do to get the attention and affection from men it is so one sided and unfair. To make it seem like we are only “giving it away” and hoping for the man to settle down is ridiculous.
I do agree that women should not feel like they HAVE to have sex with a man. As an individual, you don’t HAVE to do anything sexually that you don’t want to do and that choice should be respected. Yes, in the dating world there is competition but it all comes down this: If a man WANTS to be around you and get to know you, he will do so regardless of whether you have sex with him or not. We all have a choice. As a woman, I am not going to spend time or effort with a man I am not interested in, a man will make the same decision for himself.
Sex can be important but it is not the deciding factor because you can always get someone to have sex with you. It really isn’t that hard.
I totally get where the author is coming from. Its not about judging women who “love” sex, or the prudes. All she is saying is for those who are LOOKING for a meaningful relationship, sex is not the answer. Establish the respect first, then give up the cookies. It may sound old fashioned but it is true. Men wont commit to a woman he doesnt respect whether you give it up the first night or the thirtieth. I think some of you missed the point of this article.
this is why i love this magazine…I was just having this debate….does anybody believe in dating anymore? thank you for this article, it came right on time!!
hell no they arent! all i see nowadays is people “hooking up” and having “fck buddies”.just look at all these reality shows that showcase that. jersey shore anyone? there was a 13 year old at my job who came with 3 other boys and she was making out with all of them and they were feeling on her and grabbing her behind all over the place.this is the norm now.
everybody on all these blog sites are cosigning and stanning for sleeping around and hooking up with random ass men yet have the audacity to go on a post about HIV/AIDS/STDS and cry about how its spreading like wildfire and what we can do to stop the spread of the shit. i cant take this new generation. i really cant. wont belong till it’ll be normal for everybody to have an STD at this rate. nobody sees anything wrong with “having fun”(codeword for fcking anything that has a pulse) as you can see from the comments
so glad i found a man that feels the same way i do about this! ughh
I cosign on that….I seriously don’t get this generation, and I’m 18 yrs of age. Idk….
Reading this piece I couldn’t help thinking about how we make kids eat veggies before desert & finish homework before watching TV.
We’re trying to make men grow up by treating them like children – withholding or giving sex to inspire desired behavior. How’s that going to work?
Instead of instructing women on how to “use sexual capital” (thought that was only legal in Nevada!), maybe we should start speaking to everyone about the value of a relationship being Much More than sex, and the value of women FAR exceeds their vaginas. (*news flash – the “hoe” might be the way to go if she gets your jokes and is fun to be around!*)
I‘m saddened by the declining marriage rate, but realize we could be trading fat for muscle. Let’s not idealize numbers. More folks went down the aisle, it doesn’t mean they did so because the woman held out, or that they were happy…Or better yet, didn’t regret their decision the very next day!
When we frame the debate in such limiting & logically flawed terms – cows & milk + sex & male maturity = promiscuous females won’t getting married – it makes it clear to me that men aren’t the only ones who have some growing up to do.
wow, I wish there was a “love” button for your comment! awesome
I wish I could frame this comment!!!! I LOVE it!!!! You hit the nail on the head!
Women decided that they should be just as sexually free as men. Far too many women give sex hoping that he will want a relationship. All this has done is to make more men players and not face up to responsibility.
I tell all my women clients not to give sex unless and untl there is a committed monogamous relationship. It is in your best interest.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
: )
It amazes me how people seem to have so much difficulty with having options. If you want to have sex for fun, have sex for fun; if you want to save it for a meaningful relationship or marriage then do that too. Does teh author really believe that the man who would marry a woman or get into a relationship with her because he desire sex is really a good option.
I will advise the author that she knows not a lot about men and our motivations. Sex is important to us but I have never heard any grown man explain his decison for being in a relationship beacuse of the ease of the sex. A more common regret is that we left someone even though the sex was great.
I have never understood why some women still see sex as some reward for being good. As if they are not suppose to enjoy it too.
Sex may sell but it cannot buy you a relationship!!
A friend I was discussing this post with suggested I add the following comment (which echoes J Wilder’s above): “Before or after marriage, what will keep him is cultivating a real, meaningful relationship, sex or no sex”
I agree with the author’s points, especially those about respect. I think some women are trading out respect for self-satisfaction and a “whatever makes me happy” mentality. Those are fine in the short-run, but thinking long term….I don’t think anyone wants to be 50 and still trying to figure out why they didn’t find the right partner. At some point women (and men) need to grow up and get our priorities straight.
I haven’t seen any commentary here yet about the emotionally damaging effects premarital sex has on teens (and some growna- — women for that matter) so I’ll chime in. I’m not perfect, and I’ve had premarital/postmarital sex, but I don’t condone it. And my view here is based on the girls coming up. The author opened up with an anecdote from when she was in high school, so I’m taking it there.
There’ so much pressure on teens because of the conception that everyone is doing it. To this day I rarely see anyone in public or mainstream society touting the benefits of remaining a virgin. It’s all about, “If it feels good, do it” and “Get yours.” When girls constantly see images of free-for-all sex and (so-called) female sexual empowerment, but have no balance on the other side, what does that tell them? It’s already bad enough that kids’ primary role models are often are scantily-clad celebs and not community role models (or home training). As adults we can sometimes discern between the real and the fake, but can they? As adults, we can decide in our conscience the consequences of our actions, but do they? Videos, reality shows…. all that stuff is powerful on impressionable minds, and no-commitment-required sex is almost always a part of that image. Food for thought, folks.
I sometimes get the impression from reading these articles that young women don’t talk to older women or maybe neither young or old women to talk to any men at all. The challenges facing women in the dating just don’t exist for men. A five minute conversation with any man would make this clear. Guys who would have been considered clowns ten or fifteen years ago are rockstars today. A conversation with an older woman would show this too. Guys aren’t talking about not being able to find a quality woman. Guys who tell you that are lying to your face! Aren’t you quality? Doesn’t dude see you in front of him with those Louboutin shoes now? A lot of guys are trying understand why it even makes sense to marry when they can go to the club and have random sex with a 22 year old when they’re fifty. This is not a good situation for women. Both men and women should stop pretending that it is or at least we should be honest about what people are really going through.
If premarital sex is so gosh darn great why are so many of OUR women, black women alone while Mr. Man has gone on to the next peice of tail? I used to think that way, believed that we could all Carrie Bradshaw our way through life because hell it’s 2011 right?? Honey, let me tell NOTHING is new under the sun. And any man worth two hills of beans is not for the hot and steamy first thing out the bat. Dogs are! Men who masquerade as forward thinking but are really still out for themselves do that. A lot men are this way. And women should learn, you set the damn pace! Call me old fashioned but honestly sex before marriage is I think the WORST thing to happen to family structure in the 21st century. People think sex is like breathing, like water. It has way more power than that and is way more serious than that. i.e BABIES!
Let mine be a cautionary tale. I met a guy. He seemed like a GREAT guy, sweet and attentive and drop dead gorgeous, the makings of fairytale right. Except this guy doesn’t like to wait for sex. And I’m feeling him so I figure, hey I’m liberated, I LIKE him, this isn’t the dark ages so guess what a WEEK in we slept together. And no he didn’t ignore my phone calls the day after we actually stayed together for about three months. And oh what a glorious three months it was. Until one day he decided, he was over it and this man I loved and had made love to just left me. Like a blink, like he was done eating a sandwich. But guess what by then, I was pregnant. Now forever I’ll have to wonder had I waited, had I gotten to REALLY know him, would I know forever have to be connected to a man who thought so little of me that he could leave me pregnant and just keep on a’steppin. So think about what your really giving up by being “sexually liberated”. Is really worth your self esteem, because if you value yourself so little, why in the world would anybody else value you. If you intend on being married to a man who deeply values you, you may wanna consider being celebate. It’s never too late to start demanding your respect and knowing your worth. I know I now do. And the next man I lay down with WILL BE MY HUSBAND, believe that.
[...] und Frauen natürlich und dann mal wieder als etwas, das Männer wollen und Frauen ihnen „verkaufen“. Dabei seien sie „billig“ geworden, statt der Ehe als Endziel ginge es heute nur noch um [...]
as much as some of you might hate to hear it but when that day comes you want to marry a lot of men wont be interested in you anymore because of your past. sleeping around leaves its marks on one’s soul (broken hearts, being treated like a piece of meat, inhibition threshold going down) and body (stds, abortions, kids).
as much as i wish we all could just sleep around and have our fun before we one day have a wonderful lifelasting marriage, truth is these 2 are competing lifestyles. you have to decide which way to go and i aint judging no one for his decision, i just want you to know what you are doing. this is not opinion but fact, check marriage/divorce rates and promiscuity rates for different countries and find out for yourself.
i have to cosign the author,
you cant have the cake and eat it!
Many people seem to believe that sex can be treated as a meaningless act for the purpose of mutual pleasure only. For those of you that believe in God, I have to wonder if the act was created for a purpose. Possibly to express love and reaffirm the committment you have to each other. What does your intuition tell you? Is it right to treat it as just an act to do?
I am married and in my mid thirties. Every time I come to this site I’m filled with trepidation for this next generation of women. I’ve personally seen the damage that these cavalier attitudes about sex and relationships have inflicted on close friends and family.
Do the young commenters ever speak to somone outside of their demographic group? Do you all speak to older women or older men? No one is saying women should not enjoy sex and I don’t know if advocating virginity until marriage is realistic (or always ideal) but for goodness sakes keep it inside of a committed relationship and keep those numbers EXTREMELY LOW. In addition, if marriage is your goal do not let a committed relationship drag on for years and years.
No man is going to seriously consider a woman who has “been around the block”. Is it fair? No, but that’s the way it is. Should men be held to the same standards? I don’t know, ’cause at the end of the day standards are put in place by the people doing the picking. A lot of women don’t care about the number of sexual partners a man has had (as long as he doesn’t have an STD or OOW babies) but MOST men do care.
Life isn’t fair and it isn’t some fantastical romantic comedy (“Sex in the City” anyone). Wake up.