Last week actor and singer Tyrese stopped by the Wendy Williams show to promote his new book, How to Get Out of Your Own Way, During his appearance, Wendy asked him why men cheat, and Tyrese in his infinite “wisdom” said that men cheat because they are brought up, and even “expected,” to do so.

Many of you disagreed with Tyrese’s assertion that men are “expected” to cheat, but one reader brought up an interesting point.

While he agreed with the majority of commenters that men are not hard-wired to cheat, he wondered why many of us treat infidelity as if it’s the most heinous thing that can happen in a relationship.

Rastaman wrote:

“It is true all men do not cheat sexually and it is probably because they are quite mature and responsible when it comes to their commitment to their partners. However, we need to quit reacting like sexual infidelity is somehow the worst thing that can occur in a relationship. It is a violation of trust and so any behavior that violates the trust between a couple will be equally devastating. We continue to be overly dramatic in our responses to sexual violations of trust but according to the stats financial issues are the number one cause of divorces.”

While financial issues are indeed one of the leading cause of divorce, America has long practiced a seemingly zero tolerance on infidelity. In the book, Lust in Translation, Pamela Druckerman took a look at ideas about infidelity in different countries.

One interesting thing Druckerman found was that although Americans cheat just as much their counterparts around the world, how we deal with adultery is quite different. In France, for instance, Druckerman says people are less confrontational about cheating, while here in America we deal with cheaters head on.

In an interview with NPR, Druckerman says:

“In America, the sort of story goes that you find the e-mail from your husband’s mistress and you march into the living room and you say, I gotcha, you know, this relationship is over. And in France there isn’t an assumption that you would even confront your spouse about what happened. It’s something that you might sense for years and never bring to the surface.”

To be clear, cheating on your partner is one of the biggest violations of trust in any relationship, but should it automatically signal the end?

Clutchettes and Gents, if your partner cheated on you would you stay or would you go?

Let’s talk about it.

 

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  • Forgive and forget? I like the concept. I even love the biblical overtones of turning the other cheek and letting bygones be bygones. Sounds good. Problem for me is that I’ve tried forgiving and going on with relationships that have taken a negative turn, but once trust is destroyed it is next to impossible to rebuild. Those vows and promises made between people who love each other mean something. They are not idle words whispered for the sake of hearing yourself speak. Vows made in front of God are even more binding. If I entrust a man with my love then it’s his job to take care of it and do nothing to damage me. Sharing your body with another person goes beyond sex. It’s a violation of all the relationship represents. Although I believe some relationships can move past the hurt and heartbreak infidelity brings, for me, I would be too distraught, hurt and angry to proceed. I would like to think that I would try if the man meant something to me, but his value, the value of the relationship would have decreased in my eyes. Harsh – but that’s my take. You do the crime, you pay the ultimate price which is, losing me.

    the Super Sistah
    http://www.thesupersistah.com

  • au napptural

    I feel I’ve grown on the subject since I was younger. Then I swore up and down I’d divorce a cheating spouse. Now I think I’d have to look at the situation, esp. if we had kids. But I’m no fool. HIV is out there killing people, and why should I be the only one to sacrifice and be in danger, even for my children? Bottom line, if it was truly a mistake like a one night stand, I think I could move on, but any continuous malicious affairs or multiple women will not be overlooked. And there is no way I would stay with a cheating boyfriend. If someone won’t even act right during the courtship, what do you think he’ll do after he has you locked down?

    I like what Chrissy said. This is normally looked at as the woman having to sacrifice and hold it together for the family. I wonder how many men would do the same? We see the wives of celebrities, politicians, etc. standing up and supporting their husbands after infidelity, but I’ve never seen it the other way around.

  • sams

    While for many people, cheating would be unforgiveable, I don’t think it’s as black and white as that. I do agree with the poster who said that if you aren’t married then it should be a deal breaker, but if you are married and have a life together it is much harder to walk away. If I was ever to forgive a cheater, it would depend on the following things: how much I loved them and wanted to try to make it work; how truly contrite I believe them to be; the likelihood of them doing it again (was it their first time cheating or do they have a history?); and the details of the cheating incident. If it was a one-night thing, it would be easier to forgive than a full-blown affair or relationship. Though I don’t think I could forgive them if they actually had sex with someone else; a kiss or fondling might be easier to accept. I would also look at who initiated it, how I found out (did they come clean or were they caught?) as well as evaluate the relationship as a whole. If there are many problems on top of the cheating, then it’s probably not worth sticking around for. But if the relationship was otherwise good, then I might consider giving it another try. I think that the harsh truth is that people hurt each other, even people we love. What matters is how truly remorseful we are after hurting someone, and whether or not we learn from our mistakes.

  • kylie

    My boyfriend of 6 years cheated on me with one of my best friends. They didn’t have sex, but there was inappropriate touching. It was a one-off thing between him and my friend, but my boyfriend had cheated in past relationships. They hid it from me for a few months, then one day decided to come clean. I was furious of course; I never spoke to my friend again, didn’t even want to hear her side of the story. I stayed with him and tried to make it work. We were doing ok for a while, but essentially I couldn’t trust him again. It was so hard to accept that he was simply a cheater, and I was torturing myself worrying about where he was all the time. So almost a year later, I ended things for good. I have been single for almost a year and a half now, and it is not as horrible as I thought it would be. As for my friend, I eventually wanted to hear her side of things, and now we are friends again, our friendship is even stronger than before. I have forgiven her; it was the only time in our 8yr friendship that she’d ever hurt me, and it was just an inexplicable mistake (which he initiated of course).