When a BBC News reporter from the UK contacted me last summer about being the core subject of a radio documentary focusing on single Black women, my immediate reaction was skepticism. American media had been particularly careless with the topic (read: Nightline, Washington Post); and I didn’t want to be a contributing source perpetuating the spinster Black woman meme. After several conversations with the reporter who convinced me she would not use my story to paint a broad picture of all Black women, I agreed.

I flew out to New York City on the Fourth of July weekend for the documentary. The reporter set up a series of blind dates for me that I’d go on with different types of men. She also interviewed me in various locations such as Grand Central Station or on subway platforms about the state of single Black women, as well as my overall feelings about each guy. After spending three days with the BBC reporter, I was confident she had done significant research, interviewed several sources and understood enough of where all of her interviewees were coming from to convey a balanced story in her documentary. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

After waiting a few months, both an article and the documentary went live on BBC’s website. As I listened to the documentary I shook my head in shame at her angle, and wondered if I had presented anything that led her to believe her final assessment: “Blacks tend to believe stereotypes about one another.” She used this reasoning as the basis of why 42 percent of Black women have never been married. I completely disagreed with her notion about us internalizing stereotypes. I even loathed her as an Indian British woman making such a claim.

A few weeks ago Clutch ran “Help! I Don’t Have Any Black Female Friends” by Niesha Miller, which I avoided reading like the plague. However, I eventually read the piece after several writer friends insisted I read and pay close attention to the comments.

Although the author’s experience of lacking Black female friends was unlike my own, I know quirky Black girls and women who grew up around all white people, hence the reason they claim to have no Black friends. I respected the author for being honest in her evaluation of why she didn’t have any Black female friends. And I commended her for not using the article as an avenue to dish a laundry list of reasons why Black women are unfriendable (yeah, I made that word up). But the commenters had no qualms revealing their similar stories, and basically throwing certain types of Black women under the bus. It was then it hit me that the BBC reporter may have been on to something. Through the comments it was plainly obvious that some Blacks are notorious for internalizing stereotypes about one another.

Many of the comments caused me to cringe as the term “ghetto” was tossed around loosely to mean bad, uncouth or unintelligent. Once one person accused Black women of being nasty toward one another, the horror stories of rude Black women and the ones who don’t bother speaking to the other Black women in their department kept coming. There was some obvious pain in the tone of some of the comments. Women recounted their childhood stories of Black girls being the ones who bullied them. And admittedly a few of those same women have allowed those experiences to shape their interactions with Black women today.

When one woman attempted to address the way the comments displayed Black women internalizing stereotypes, no one seemed to want to participate in that conversation. What she considered as internalizing stereotypes was brushed off as truth telling. The fact is, as was argued, there are “ghetto,” rude, nasty Black women according to some of the commenters.

I eventually closed out my Firefox tab and thought about how this internalizing of stereotypes may be contributing to the divisiveness in our community. When I thought about the author having no Black friends, I attributed this to class and socioeconomic background. In reading the comments it turned out to be a revelation on the ugly things we think about one another as Black women.

The historical divide and conquer methods used to colonize Blacks globally are still at play in the 21st century. House nigger vs. field nigger, light skin vs. dark skin, male vs. female, good hair vs. bad hair, were constructs created by white racists, but are being perpetuated by us.

As women we are already fighting patriarchy, misogyny and sexism. Do Black women really need to fight another battle with each other?

In working hard to make sure we are not a stereotype, too many have adopted a mentality of proving to the rest of the world, ‘I’m not like the bad ones, I’m one of the good ones.’ This mentality has caused us to turn our noses up at our own people.

I challenge Black women to think about the negative ideas we hold about other Black women. Do we automatically assume a woman from the “ghetto” is stupid and unsophisticated? When you meet other Black women, are you holding on to a notion she will be catty or rude? And are you judging people individually or based on their class or socio-economic background?

It is much harder to combat racism and sexism when we’re internalizing the very stereotypes we’re trying to dismantle. Women have enough external battles to be fought. We don’t need internal ones that reinforce the fallacy that we are our own worst enemies. ­

  • your article summed it up in a nutshell

    Your article said it all and summed up all and so many feelings in a nutshell. I think black women are nice to everyother type of person but when it comes to another black female I dont see black women doing that. They are getting better they were better at being more sisterly to each other back in the day. But, like this article states why it does not happen.

    When women are petty like that to each other it serves no benefit but more work in the long run. I have seen a black woman that was in a position and my white friend said oh she is so nice I love her. YEah, the way she sucked face with every nationality other than her own. But, with other black women she was a scoundrel. Just vicious even her own sister lol. The other race of women noticed it and many found it unappealing and come back stating how it turned them off. One even confronted her about it. I didnt they could notice or understand what was going on within the black girl politics that was how bad she was and how embrassing she became to be. I didnt care she was that way. I have been use this beep since birth. What was the sickening part is that other people outside of the ethnic background began to take note.

    Then all of sudden she tried to come around. LOL And, I am like I have a hard time forgetting!

    This was beautifully written article. I totally hear you and got you!

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  • Alexandra

    The comment section must have a glitch, cause the order of time/dates are all over the place.
    Makes it hard to read. I wish people went back on topic.

    Topic is: Black women internalizing stereotypes about them. Do you agree or disagree? Jeez. I think everyone can agree some stereotypes are true and some are not. But the main point is, how some Black women believe in the stereotypes about them and judging themselves and other Black women because of it.

    I agree and disagree. Someone above mentioned some Black women “trying hard” to be “different” and failing miserably. I personally seen that a lot, especially amongst grown women.These women in my opinion are trying super hard to avoid being classed into the stereotypes, so they distance themselves to try to be different from “them” (stereotypical Black women), even if they do fit some of those stereotypes. These women are the result of internalizing stereotypes.

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  • Marie Madeleine

    Thank you very much for writing this article. Sooo true. We shouldnt judge anyone black or whites from getto just because they must reside there. Some getto girls are all the good things you mentioned and some expensive neighborhood girls can be the opposite.

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  • RetroChic

    I wonder of there is a standard of “blackness” that we aspire to for the validation (maybe even safety in some cases) from other sisters.
    I do consider myself lucky to have as many black women as close friends and mentors. I hope all of us can claim the same in time.

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  • http://thenewcoolblog.wordpress.com walter

    This is a tricky subject to navigate. I will do my best to be as poignant and brief as possible. Black women do have the reputation as being catty towards each other. This is true in all races to be honest. But through television and other media outlets this is the only image we see of black women. The one that is angry, b!tchy, jealous, and ghetto. And it is unfortunate that these images are being portrayed through so called “reality” tv shows. Shows such as Basketball Wives, RHOA, and now Love and Hip Hop. These shows have done a great job of taking ghetto from something that was associated with the lower economic class to showing America and the world that even black women with ACCESS to money can act just as ghetto and uncivilized. I think that is doing more damage to the image of the black women, due to the fact that it’s black women doing this to black women. Not the black man disrespecting them, not a white man. But black women tossing around the word b!tch, grabbing and pulling hair, extreme neck rolling and finger pointing, and threatening to whip a$$ at the first sign of perceived disrespect.

    These shows also have a damaging effect on the male psyche. This happens because again it is black women with money doing this to black women with money. So now we are forced to think that these attitudes and actions don’t just happen in the hood. And we see black women flock to these shows, watching them faithfully and flooding FB timelines and twitter with comments about these shows. So we view them as guilty by association. If we have tried to dismiss these as untruths the loyal female following validates these theorums. And I don’t believe this is by accident.

    Look at what BET did to The Game. A show that was once thought to have intelligence and well built characters, has become nothing but a even more scripted reality show. And perhaps the worst thing about it is that it happened once it moved to BLACK Entertainment Television.

    There are many shades of women. In complexion and in attitude, but only one brush and style is being used right now and black women are hanging on their walls

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