Recently, we announced that along with freshening our look for the Spring, we would be implementing some cool new changes. One of those changes was introducing our #DearClutch column.

#DearClutch is your space to get advice on your most difficult dilemmas. If you’re struggling with a problem or situation and need a little bit of objective guidance, shoot us an email and maybe we’ll share your question with our beloved readers.

Now, our first #DearClutch question comes from T, a reader who’s having a little drama with her boyfriend’s mother. Let’s see if we can help her out Clutchettes!

#DearClutch,

I really need advice. I can definitely relate to this article here. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We live together and are expecting our first child in about 5 weeks (!) I thought his mom liked me but she was very rude and disrespectful at my baby shower last week. I asked her to help out with buying food and she did but she showed up 40 mins. late to help set up and immediately found her a seat and sat down. Uh, hello! Hell, if anyone should have sat down, it should have been the sore back, swollen feet pregnant lady (me!) lol, but I digress. Anyway, she came in rude… didn’t speak and constantly over-talked me the whole time. I guess she thinks its ok because this is her first grandbaby and she has spent a lot of money on the baby as far as helping us out. I appreciate everything she has done, but you can’t put a price tag on love. And it certainly doesn’t make up for her always having something to say. I swear I was about to lose it but thank God, the shower was at a church lol. Please help! I want to get along with her and keep the peace but she works my nerves.

Dear T,

First of all, CONGRATS on the new baby! Now is the time to relax and get your mind right for what’s to come: Being a mommy!

Now, onto your boyfriend’s mother. Before the shower did you have any problems with her? From your question, I assume things were kosher until she showed up late and hogged the spotlight on your special day. This gives me hope!

If your boyfriend’s mother hasn’t been acting out before, then perhaps her baby shower performance was a one-off. But if this incident is just another in a line of subtle (or not so subtle) disses, then it’s time to have a talk.

Your boyfriend’s mother may not be aware of how she made you feel at the shower, so talk to her about it.  But be careful not to sound as if you’re blaming her. Make sure that your words to her are filled with “I-statements” (I felt like…Saturday made me feel….I didn’t like it when…) so she won’t be put on the defensive.

Hopefully your talk will help clear the air and make way for an awesome delivery day! If your boyfriend’s mom still doesn’t get it together, however, then talk to your man…maybe he can get through to his mother.

What do you think, Clutchettes? What kind of advice can you give T about her boyfriend’s mother?

 

*Got a dilemma and need some advice? Shoot us a #DearClutch email and we’ll try to help you out!

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  • Anna N.

    I will add one more thing. I know how it is during that last trimester. Lord knows I did my girlfriends so bad on the day of my baby shower that one of them snuck out and left before it even started. You’re being a bit of a brat, but some of it can’t be helped. Hormones are a helluva drug, lol.

    • T

      Your comment stood out most to me… Thank you for your advice and yes, hormones are a helluva drug! Still, I feel bad because my letter came off rude and insensitive, which I am not, I was just fed up that day. But lets address your points…

      1. You and the child’s father are not married.
      (We didn’t feel that moving up the wedding date was necessary and we certainly don’t want to have a last minute, rushed wedding to make it look like we got married before the baby got here. It’s our choice. Not to say we will never get married, we are still planning on getting married next Spring.)

      2. His mom is taking on a lot of the financial burden of helping you two.
      (Both of us work and anything she has done was voluntary. We appreciate her buying clothes and toys for the baby, which is something she likes to do. It’s not like she is paying our rent or anything. We are responsible and I can’t tell her, the grandmother, to not do things for her grandchild.)

      3. You had your out of wedlock baby shower at a church.
      (Again, I serve a forgiving God! We’re not the first to have a baby out wedlock and we won’t be the last.)

      4. You ASKED her to help out with paying for food and got mad that she didn’t deliver it on time.
      (SHE asked what she could do. I didn’t really have anything for her to do because all of the food and dessert was being homemade by my mother and my sisters. And all of the decorations, supplies, materials, and favors were paid for by me. So, I asked her to pick up a veggie and fruit tray because everything else was covered. I asked everyone to show up at noon and she strolls in at 20 mins to 1:00, sets her gift down and sat down. Even if she didn’t know anyone else there helping, she could have spoken to me (someone she DOES know) but she didn’t.)

      5. Without knowing or asking what she’d been through that day you fully expected her to start working as soon as she gets there.
      (Yea, because it’s not about her! Just like it’s not about me! We came together for one reason… to celebrate the coming of the baby. If I could put my issues aside (pain, achy joints, insomnia, etc..) so could everyone else, including her.

      I have a low tolerance for mess and how she came in really struck a nerve. I could have used a better choice of words but she was getting on my nerves. She has never really acted like she was too fond of me and thats ok. I have tried to be nice and kill her with kindness and I will never disrespect her. I will try making a list like you suggested and having a conversation with her. If all else fails, then I will just limit my time around her. Thanks for the advice!

  • kaikou

    It has been said but hey let’s repeat:
    You are not married expecting a child and expect the grandmother to provide for you. Um no!
    Question: Why were you planning your own baby shower?
    Question: Why doesn’t your boyfriend ask his own mother for things?

    I agree with everyone else that said thank her for her troubles and then grow up.

  • Alexandra

    I know this judgmental, but sorry to say; the first thing I also noticed was the ‘boyfriend’ part. Sigh. This is becoming so predictable.

    And I also think that’s why the boyfriends mom is giving her a hard time. This story sounds so familiar because a few years ago one of my friends was having a baby also by her boyfriend, and one of the main issues her boyfriends mom had with the both of them, was the fact that she was having a baby and they were not married, or going to be.
    She did not respect my friend at all & the only person she seemed to care about was the baby. When I attended the baby shower I would’ve never known she was the grandma had one of my other friends told me she was. She mingled right in with the guest and didn’t even present herself as the grandmother. Perhaps she is judging you.

    • T

      This is exactly what it is! Judgment! It happened just like this and that’s sad to say. I totally understand where she is coming from but I am not a bad person. She could be upset too because we are planning on getting married and moving out of state next year. So it’s quite possible that she thinks we are uprooting and taking her away from her grandchild, which I did not think about before. I want her to like me but my boyfriend has already let me know that she just isn’t a social person and likes to do her own thing. She doesn’t support us and we don’t need her to. I think she is just willing to go out and buy clothes and stuff for the baby because its her grandchild and she wants to spoil her and that is fine. I also think we could have a better relationship if she would actually talk to me rather than through my boyfriend. Whenever I need to contact her, I call. Yet if she needs to relay a message to me, she will have him tell me or send me a text. I appreciate all of her help but I won’t have her disrespecting me, and that’s that. Hopefully, this will pass and our relationship will improve. One can only hope =)

      Thank you very much for your advice and insight =)

  • MW

    Additionally, this sounds so much like someone I know: she made a bad decision and, though I hesitate to tell her (she’s pregnant and in her last trimestre) it sounds a lot like she expects everyone else to take the burden of pregnancy, of a life with a child on for her.

    I come from a very different sort of family, if ever I got pregnant while in school, unmarried, I’d have hell to pay. They’d support but they wouldn’t coddle: I couldn’t see them wanting to bask in my glory at a baby-shower, I couldn’t see them doing anything other than pushing marriage (because if you’re ready for a child, you should be ready for marriage, otherwise, what were you doing making a child? Playing house is for when we’re 5!).

    I feel horrid that I’m coming off so judgmental but when we lie in our beds, we cannot get up and expect our families, our friends, to make it after us.

  • T

    First, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. Looking back I see that my letter came off ‘brat-like’, which was not my intention. I was just frustrated. For the record, I did not plan my own shower lol. A friend of mine did and my boyfriend’s mother VOLUNTEERED to help. Just like she has volunteered to buy things for the baby. She is our child and we are totally responsible for buying the things she needs and wants but his mom is excited about her first and only grandchild (my bf is an only child). And my family was there and they helped out in a big way. My mother and sisters made all of the food and the desserts and they came down and helped with no complaints! All she was asked to do was buy a veggie tray and show up to help set up.

    Having babies out of wedlock is nothing new, and whether we get married today or years from now, it’s our decision. We decided not to move up the wedding date just because we are having a baby and that is our choice. Babies are blessings no matter how they get here!

    We don’t need help providing but the help is appreciated because it is definitely a blessing. I took you all’s advice and spoke with my man about it first. I don’t dislike his mother at all, I just thought her behavior was rude. She may not like me and that’s ok. I’ve tried to reach out to her on numerous occasions and it’s gone nowhere. I have called, bought gifts, invited her to events and out to dinner and she doesn’t respond positively. Her only reply is ‘I don’t do stuff like that.’ Ok… so you don’t eat? lol.

    I even wished her a Happy Mother’s Day and she told my bf that she would have gotten me a card or something but I haven’t earned it yet! Wow. As far as I’m concerned, being an expectant mother is just as significant and important and we should be honored too. I have never been unappreciative and I always call or come by to thank her for what she has done. Just like I have thanked all of my guests repeatedly and sent thank you cards. I know it doesn’t matter but I just wanted to be clear on something.. I am not rude, insensitive or ungrateful. If she wants to do things for the baby, I can’t stop her, she is her grandmother. But I can do without the attitude. It may be just a clash of personalities. I’ll just pray about it and continue to be cordial to her. THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE EVERYONE AND THE OPPORTUNITY BRITNI!!!