Who said Black men aren’t ready to commit (and to Black women!)? A new essay on the Good Men Project blog flies in the face of the media’s meme that Black women are the only ones who are single and seeking.

In his article, “Eligible, black, male, and hopelessly single,” Damon Young gives readers an inside view into the mind of Black men who, despite being educated, ambitious, and actively seeking Black women, still find themselves without a mate.

Young writes:

I’m sure that if I told a random dating-aged sista that there are actually black guys out there who genuinely want to be in a relationship (with a black woman!) but have trouble finding the right match, she’d probably tell me that they were a figment of my f**king imagination too.

Her skepticism would be justified. Hyperbole aside, according to the U.S. Census, while only 24% of white women and 23% of Asian women have never been married, a staggering 45% of black women have never walked down the aisle, a fact that’s mainly due to the lack of eligible black male options.

But if so, if these somewhat star-crossed men were mere figments of my imagination, I guess that was a bunch of bespectacled ghosts I saw at a Foreign Exchange concert a few weekends ago, mouthing each of Phonte’s lyrics while scanning the crowd to find the type of muse that would make a man write “Greater Than the Sun.” That must be an apparition who sends me a text message at least once a week, asking if my girlfriend has any newly single homegirls looking to “build with a brotha.” And I definitely must’ve dreamt up the dozens of game nights, weekly wing specials, and house parties I’ve attended in the past several years, the dozens of conversations I’ve had with the dozens of single men also in attendance, guys desperately seeking “their own Michelle [Obama].”

To further his cause, Young questions many of his single friends to find out what’s stopping them from finding love. For many of the guys, their own hang-ups prevent them from finding a mate because they want to have their lives “together” before getting serious with a woman.

One respondent, Sean, says:

Yeah, I want to have a wife and kids and all that. But, I need to get my shit together first. Most of the sistas I meet want to date “ready-made” brothas, and while I’m on that track, I ain’t making Audi money yet.

He clarifies:

It’s not that sistas’ standards are too high. If I had an already successful daughter, I’d want her to date an already successful man. From a personal standpoint, though, I wouldn’t even want to enter a serious relationship unless I had my shit together.

As a man, I’d feel a certain way if I had a girlfriend but I wasn’t able to take care of her. Nothing special, but you’d like to be able to at least go the movies every weekend and buy her nice things. Yeah, I’m in school now and working towards something, but I’ve actually stopped dating a woman I was interested in because I wasn’t where I needed to be financially. It’s a pride thing.

Like some are sure to question, I wondered if the men Young wrote about were merely anomalies. I also wondered how brothas could possibly find it difficult finding a mate, considering the odds are in their favor.

For a bit of clarification, and to see if Black men really do have it just as hard as we do when it comes to dating, I sent a friend of mine a link to the article and asked for his thoughts. My friend falls into the category of men Young wrote about—31, single, attractive, professional, degreed, and ready to settle down.

Just like the men in the piece he said he was ready to get married and have children because he had “done everything on his [single man’s] bucket list.” When I pressed him further about why he was still single considering he was ready to settle down, he said what many of us say: he just hasn’t met the right person yet.

While I know that it may seem like men have an easier time finding love than women and that there are very few “good” single men left, this article helps to put things in perspective. There are good brothas out there, and they’re looking to meet you. All you have to do is remain open and trust you’ll find each other.

  • Dragonlady73

    I actually know a few young me who are looking for a wife and wholeheartedly. And the funny thing is this–they say some of the same things that single women say. They hate being single and all teh dating games. They want just one who is good for them and has the best interest of the entire relationship in mind. I have been lucky enough to find one for myself. I was skeptical in the beginning because I have met so many false representatives of a good single man looking for a wife. Thank goodness for a strong gut feeling telling me to wait it out and see.

  • Clnmike

    I understand the ones who say there life isn’t together yet so that’s why there not married but iit would have been nice to know exactly why these men who are ready batting an 0 for. What are there criteria for women, are there standards realistic. And what are the comparison to those single women criteria for men. There is a wall somewhere preventing them from meeting.

  • LN

    I don’t doubt that they exist. But the fact is that they exist in small numbers and can’t make a dent in the vast number of ummarried black women. The black community is going to have to come face to face with the facts sooner or later; In order for black women to be married on a large scale, they’re going to have to marry Asian, Hispanic, Indian, White or African men. The chickens are coming home to roost. #truthhurts

  • JustSaying…

    Co-Sign…it will hit home sooner or later.

  • QueenofNewcastle

    @LN

    Has it occurred to you that many single black women arent fit either? Simply because she is a single black woman doesnt mean she is eligible for marriage. A lot of black women have too much baggage especially those who have children from previous relationships. They should be kicked out of the line to be honest. I’d imagine if you did a real genuine appraisal of the number of black men and women who are ready for marriage it would probably be equal.

    This is what I hate about this topic. The assumption is always that black men need to fix up but black women are just perfect the way that they are. No one ever listens to black men and what they have to say about some real character issues many black women have. I listen to black men and I have to say I wouldnt want to marry any of the woman they often speak about- degree or no degree.

  • LN

    @QueenofNewCastle… Well, first off let me say that I am married to a black man. So I don’t have any kind of black man bias. I’m just a PRAGMATIST who is looking at NUMBERS and saying that the ish does not add up.

    Of course not all black women are fit. But a higher percentage of them attend and graduate from college (over black men) and a lower percentage of them are incarcerated. Those two stats right there already lay down an imbalance.

    The ‘there’s a good black man for every good black women’ ship has sailed… actually it probably sailed a couple decades ago, but we weren’t ready to admit it. At this point, highlighting the percentage of good black men who are committed to good black women is NOT going to right this single black woman imbalance. It will only be righted by an influx of interracial relationships — which are already on the rise among black women.

    Although it feels weird to champion interracial relationships because of the overwhelming adulation of “black love” (whatever that is) in the black community, we need to start doing it, and start doing it now. Because, while stories like the one above are lovely, they are way too little and way too late.

  • http://www.facebook.com/uniquedvine Unique D’Vine

    “All you have to do is remain open and trust you’ll find each other.”

    If it were only that simple sometimes…. I really think that one thing that could help is to reach out to our elders more and let them know that we are ready. This is the route I’ve decided to take now. Black couples that we admire and that have been married for several or more years are good candidates to play matchmaker for us if we reach out and ask.

    Hoping that you’ll just “find each other” is about as good as hoping to become a millionaire without doing anything. At some point you have to be unconventional and do something radical and different in order to get a different result. Faith without action is D-E-A-D.

    ~Unique

  • QueenofNewcastle

    Anyway what is this brother talking about “Audi” money? Most black people are working class. What is stopping the working class black people from getting together? They ARE on each other’s level. Something must be very wrong here. I hate how these conversations always revolve around the lifestyles of a small minority of black people as if they represent the majority. They really dont. Most black people arent “successful.”

    So for the vast majority of black folks, who dont have degrees, who aint “balling out of control”, who are just members of the working class or working poor, what are the barriers for them?

    Oh right, black people like that arent allowed to exist because we have to keep up this charade about every black woman being a cool mix of Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey and Beyonce and every black man being either dead, in jail, gay or chasing Becky.

    We have this distorted view of black people in general which completely paralyzes any real discussion we can have about our condition.

  • Clnmike

    @QueenofNewcastle

    Thank You! Co-sign 100%, they run around here acting like someone owes them a ring for whatever. Like someone is just supposed to suffer with them.

  • Clnmike

    @QueenofNewcastle

    Thank You! Co-sign 100 percent! They run around here like someone owes them a ring. Like someone is just supposed to suffer with them for the rest of their lives.

  • LBC

    @ QueenofNewCastle
    Your sentiment that “character issues” and children from previous relationships are 1. Exclusive to black women and 2. the reason for the disparity in coupling among races, is part of a growing “black woman bashing” phenomenon I’ve noticed snowballing over the past few years. As a single, 30-something black woman, it truly disturbs me to constantly find myself battling against stereotypes that bear no likeness to myself or any of the wonderful women I know

  • Abstract

    Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match! Find me a find, catch me a catch! At this rate I’m open to getting a matchmaker or seeking an arranged marriage! What happened to the matchmakers!

  • http://www.facebook.com/uniquedvine Unique D’Vine

    What happened is we decided that arranged marriages or being matched via family relationships (my grandmother’s friend has a grandson and he’s looking for a wife type thing) was archaic and we could do it (bad) all by ourselves.

    Arranged marriage or matchmaking is bad at all if its done correctly and not like , HERE marry this person or else! Heck, look at the Millionaire Matchmaker lady on Bravo, she makes a killin’ hookin people up!

  • Rastaman

    I am going have to co-sign the QueenofNewcastle on the view that there are a plethora of “good” black women out here single and hoping is a myth. From my own experience a lot of sistas need to stop resting on their laurels and get themselves together, mentally physically and financially. It is that cruising on the “no good” black men boat that have gotten so many of you left.

    Because the open, happy well balanced women I know do not seem to ever have problems connecting with good dudes. Good dudes want to be happy too and that means we are not looking to saddle ourselves with other peoples unresolved personal baggage. We want genuinely happy people with whom we can all become even happier.
    Not many good guys I know are looking for sour moods, funky attitudes or messy life to take on because it generally gets you nothing but added anguish. it is hard enough making it work out here with someone on the same page so why enagage some one who is not even reading the same book.

  • Jennifer

    I know many good black women that are single, but their life centers around work. It is hard for them to meet people if they work long hours, and then head straight home at the end of a very long day. I guess, the key is for hardworking, successful black men and women to meet each other. The 30s is a hard time to meet someone, especially if one is on a successful career path. Friends are married and/or with kids and don’t have time to socialize as much, and it is a hard time to make new friends. But, something always works out and I am always on the lookout for my friends.

  • QueenofNewcastle

    @LN

    “Of course not all black women are fit. But a higher percentage of them attend and graduate from college (over black men) and a lower percentage of them are incarcerated. Those two stats right there already lay down an imbalance.”

    Oh dear. Here we go. When did a woman having a college education equal her being fit for marriage? What does that say about her sense of loyalty to her husband? Her obligation to her family? Her ability to keep a house, man, and children happy and cared for? Did she get her degree in upholding her wedding vows? I dont think they have that on the syllabus.

    Youre right that incarceration does affect whether a man can be married because its difficult for them to get a job with the criminal record however this unfortunately hasnt prevented them from being sperm donors to many many black women. Sends the wrong message to be honest.

  • QueenofNewcastle

    @LBC

    Its our time in the sun I suppose. But then, nothing disinfects like the light.

    Did you defend black men when they were all on the “down low” giving black women STDs? Probably not. When they were being accused of being deadbeat dads, where were you? Maybe, getting your nails done.

  • QueenofNewcastle

    Thank you for your “Buppie” take on things.

  • TR

    “We have this distorted view of black people in general which completely paralyzes any real discussion we can have about our condition.”

    This is the money quote right here. And I am glad you brought up the class issue. I guess working and building something together is an outdated concept. I’m sure glad I didn’t need “Audi money” before my wife would agree to marriage.

  • BluTopaz

    Congrats Queen! All your tap dancing is paying off, you’re FINALLY getting a few pats on the head (daps)

  • Smart & Brown Man

    “Not many good guys I know are looking for sour moods, funky attitudes or messy life to take on because it generally gets you nothing but added anguish.” Rastaman – One of the best quotes on this post.

    The problem that many black women are having is that many of them have bad, negative, moody attitudes which is a pure turn off to most good men. If you are a single black woman in your late twenties to mid thirties, it’s pretty much crunch time for you because you are in your dating prime. Don’t mess it up by bring all of your issues of anger, loudness, moodiness, and baggage into my life or any other good brothers life for that matter. Many sisters destroy their chances at true love because they’ve never resolved their attitudes nor to many have the humility to even admit that they even have any issues.

    And to my ladies, please don’t think just because you have no kids, have a degree, have a job, your own place and your own car that you are a good catch. Most men don’t put as much emphasis on those qualities as you would think. Concentrate on qualities of being a good wife such as, being supportive, non-argumentative, pleasant to be around, a good cook, a good housekeeper, an intelligent logical thinker, a lover of anytime sex, and being physically fit. Aside from the basics, these are the qualities that close the deal for most men,

  • Mr. Quest Chen

    Questions to the ladies:

    Would you date a single man in his mid 30′s who had to move back home due to a layoff in this bad economy, but he is currently back in school to get a second degree in a field that has GREAT hiring prospects especially for black males? Also, he’s not totally broke, but money is definitely tight. Mind you, he is educated, intelligent, good looking, in shape, no kids, funny as all heck, easy going, God fearing, loves his mama and daddy, and comes from a good family?

    Would you date him considering he’s not totally yet…… Yes or No?

  • http://www.facebook.com/uniquedvine Unique D’Vine

    Concentrate on qualities of being a good wife such as, being supportive (Check), non-argumentative (Check), pleasant to be around (Check), a good cook (Double Check), a good housekeeper (Check), an intelligent logical thinker (Check), a lover of anytime sex (DOUBLE TRIPLE CHECK CHECK CHECK), and being physically fit (aaaannnnnd Check).

    Moral of the story – We (me and the ladies I know like me) are out here, wading thru the same crap dating experiences, tryna find you (Good Black Men).

  • Ms Ans-Ser

    I know plenty of sistas that would like a brotha like that, but guess what?

    These men ain’t looking for the sista who has a job, going to school, and whatnot neither. No, they want the ‘video chick’ or the ones that their fellow bruhs would approve of.

    It works both ways…

  • Ms Ans-Ser

    I forgot to add that many black men are indeed colorstruck and not really checking for black females, only to demean them and preach to them about what thy need to do in order to get the mystical, elusive, eligible ‘Good Black Man’.

    Sorry, but a lot sistas are sick of it, and are going elsewhere, just like many black men are.

  • Ali

    Yah know, I think that people should consider the history of black people in America as a legitimate factor for the lack of black marriages…

    So, if we took it way back… Trying to examine the legacies of slavery may sound radical to most but that’s a starting point for answers.

    The life experiences, good and bad, that most black women (and men) go through are never talked about in a sort of intellectual way, especially when we talk about love/relationships/marriage/family…Something like the ‘bad character’ of black women as an obstacle to marriage is ridiculous and offensive to black women.. And it’s the same bs people have been saying about black women for decades.

  • http://www.facebook.com/uniquedvine Unique D’Vine

    Would you date him considering he’s not totally yet…… Yes or No?

    My question would first be, considering all that you’re dealing with, do you feel you are in a position to be dating? I don’t do the residential dating thing, so hanging out at each other’s house in order to save money is a no go, plus school responsibilities can be hell….but… If you could be creative and come up with a good courting experience then yes, I would, and have dated men who were exactly in their prime.

    The only thing that would make me leery is the part about going back to school to get a J-O-B. Didn’t the first layoff teach you anything? Don’t get a JOB, create one for yourself! I’m all about BUSINESS/SELF-EMPLOYMENT/MULTIPLE STREAMS OF PASSIVE INCOME! I have complete time freedom and want a partner who has the same. So if we want to take a day trip on a Tuesday, or spend all day just loungin’ we can do it, without having to ask the boss or worried about being short on hours this paycheck.

  • BluTopaz

    If we are talking solely about Black women with good careers, education, etc.–this is the ONLY group of people who get blasted for wanting to do what humans usually do-marry and pair off within their own circles-professions, neighborhoods, schools. For some reason this is only a problem when some Black women want the same, and how many Black women demand that someone drives an Audi? (that might be dude’s own insecurity he’s using as an excuse–a lot of men also think all women want big packages which isn’t true either). Hell, imo many Black women don’t demand enough of Black men overall. I’ve met a Jewish woman who threatened to leave her fiance if he didn’t pass his bar exam, all many Black women want is for someone with a similar background as theirs and goals–and not to get lumped in with all the babymamas, hoodrats, etc. Yeah that sounds elitist, don’t care because it is what it is–many Black people need to start thinking about elevating their status and I’m not talking about college.

    And sure there are good Black men like the author’s friend who are ready to settle down (my few married Black girlfriends have wonderful Black husbands), but some of ya’ll need to stop acting like it’s not Where’s Waldo out here.

    At my job one of the ivy league interns in a prestigious program with an investment bank, a lovely Nigerian young lady, confided in me that she thinks some of the White guys in the program are “cute” but she’s not into White men and her father would go ballistic anyway. She prefers to date a nice Black guy while she is here for the summer which sounds logical. Where are most of the young Black guys in the firm?–well they are not in the office until 1:00 am every night assisting with due diligence letters and I’ll leave it at that. And, she has a very conservative appearance and demeanor, let’s be real–how many young Black guys are checking for that type of girl? What if she continues to feel alienated as she gets older. In contrast: the one Black guy who works in operations on my floor–he’s got several Black woman assistants all happy to bring him plates from the cafeteria, one offering to loan him money a few days before payday (which he refused to accept), which is their business, but my point is it’s def a numbers game in general and even more pronounced for us.

  • http://www.facebook.com/uniquedvine Unique D’Vine

    Thank you Ali for pointing this out! I have said before that if more black people truly knew our history and what black men and women have endured together, we’d not only understand why we are where we are and how we are, but we’d also probably be more inclined to support each other no matter what.

  • Chutney

    Thank you Jennifer and LBC. I am one of those 30 something single mothers. I am successful in my career – make a six figure salary (though it does not go far in NY) and have a hard time meeting men. Yes a lot of it is my own fault–I stay busy and don’t socialize nearly as much as I’d like. But the men are hard to find. I currently date a guy younger than me, but his seriousness level is not where mine is, so I wonder and wait. But I like your positive message and your words are hopeful.
    The QueenofNewCastle seems to have some issues. There is a bitterness in her comments that is judgmental and unfortunate.

  • BluTopaz

    Your ideal woman reminds me of a movie…oh yeah the Stepford Wives…

    Good luck with finding your own, maybe you can find a poor woman who desperately needs a green card because I don’t know of ANY group of American women who tolerates that outdated nonsense. And that ‘ya’ll ain’t gonna find no good brothers’ line is beyond tired. I noted downthread my married Black girlfriends who have good Black men who are excellent providers and fathers–and neither of them are brainless blow up dolls with cavemen dragging them by the hair for some “anytime sex and grub”.

  • BluTopaz

    And if ya’ll think the gender divide is bad now, wait until the millenials get older. A lot of these little girls and teens walking around here think their middle name is bitch.

  • JustSaying…

    Don’t worry that Nigerian girl will come to see the light eventually. I feel sorry for black women like her. I thank God I’m not attracted to black men. This blog is not my issue.

  • Clnmike

    Dude you have your standards stick to them. If the shoe was on the other foot these certain type of women would be screaming about people telling them to lower their standards. That’s what he wants that’s what he wants. (As if there was something wrong with “any time sex” GTFOH).

  • JustSaying…

    This right here is why I have come to believe that the learning gap is deeper than people realize:

    “The only reason you want these men are for their resources… Not for them…
    Chances are, you were overlooking these men in your early 20s… #MovinOn…”

    Please show these ladies where these BLACK men who in their early 20s (same age as the women in your comment) HAVE RESOURCES and ARE ESTABLISHED.

    Please show these ladies where the overwhelming pool of these BLACK men are period. I’ll wait…

    The problem with your statements: Chances are these men were SUB-PAR and below ALL RACES OF WOMEN ideal qualities of a mate (i.e., provider, protector, etc). These particular men even own up to this when they use their finances as an excuse for avoiding marriage until they were damn near forty (yeah, it’s not just the women looking for a mate LATER in life).

    Women are not going to put their money on a horse who has yet to show any strength or power. That horse can either turn out to be a bad investment or a moneymaker. Judging from black men’s unemployment rate (whether educated or not) and history of helplessness…chances are he will probably fit into the former category UNLESS he pursues something beyond a bachelor degree which depending on the time frame could put him anywhere between his mid/late 20s and early 30s. Add another 3-5 years to actually getting something established. So your idea of betting on potential is flawed. While betting on his potential her eggs are bleeding away.

    These women can save themselves some time and energy by simply pursuing men who are known builders (i.e., Asian and white men) rather than betting on a horse whose only claim to fame is his penis (and even that’s laughable). These are the men who deserve to be taken for their potential. They have a KNOWN track record for success.

  • Clnmike

    ” I thank God I’m not attracted to black men….”

    Black Men the world over breath a sigh of relief at this good fortune. I insist you send the address of that lucky non black man who has the “good fortune” of being with you. That way I can send a thank you note for taking you out the brothas hands and back. Now if he could just get you to stay away from the computer……..

  • omg

    daft, thy be your name.

    go look it up. you know you need to.

  • JustSaying…

    @omg

    Exactly! Typical but easy enough to combat (read: my comment below).

    @Clnmike

    This from a “man” that spends his days on a black woman’s blog site. *face palm*

  • omg

    @cinmike
    y don’t you step away from the computer ?

    posting crap on a women’s site for crying out loud.

  • Clnmike

    @JustSaying

    I’m a professional troll hunter this line of work leads me to a lot of sites. The bounty on you will pay for the education of hundreds of black men.

    @omd why don’t you try get on topic.

  • Jaci

    @JS

    I feel sorry for the fact that someone hurt you. I think you need counseling and I agree with the fact that it’s a blessing black men don’t have to deal with that. Black women who act like what you’re acting make it harder on the ones of us who love and respect our black men. If you want to go, go but remember you aren’t going to be nearly as accepted as you think you are. It’s fine to have a preference but the way you are acting makes me thing you’re going to find yourself on the wrong end of a bad situation wishing a black man would solve the issue for you…

    But …what the heck do I know?

  • Jaci

    @JS

    Is there a bridge near you to jump off of? Do you realize that by stating there are no black Alpha males you are also denying the strength of the black woman?

    I feel sorry for you. You hate yourself so much that you don’t see it. You really need help.

  • JustSaying…

    @Jaci

    Obviously you know nothing!

    It’s not me who needs counseling dear. It’s the poor lost souls like you who refer to black men as “our” men who need counseling. It’s your group that finds their feelings hurt whenever black men proclaim to anyone who will listen that your black womanhood is less than that of a dog.

    I freed myself from the mental chains you still find yourself confided to some time ago.

    A black man can’t do anything for me except BE GONE!

    I guarantee if you compared my relationships with non-black men to those of my black female friends and family you would see a clear picture of who is playing on the losing team.

  • JustSaying…

    @Jaci

    Please learn to think for yourself. Seriously!

    Show me an Alpha male, that can honestly proclaim himself as such, who has BEEN CONQUERED the world over! That in itself is laughable. Silly! A joke! It defeats the very definition of an Alpha male. Women have nothing to do with it. Women and children go the way of the men–let that sink in chick.

  • Clnmike

    @justsaying

    Do you know who your talking to!? I am the President of the Black Men In Support Of Black Women Dating Interracially non profit. For years my organisation has advocated for dissatisfied black women to date outside of their race. This way we can save two birds with solution, we marry off the women who live to complain about black men and we save black men from having to hear this mess. One of are biggest supporters happens to be the Chinese government, the over abundance of males fits right in with the over abundance of bitter black women. We send them you and they send us all the sesames chicken we can eat. About what yall are worth. We than will import NEW black women from Brasil, the islands and Africa to replace the ones issing thus keeping the black community strong and healthy. Trust me I am with you sista! BOoooooo black men! Yeeeaaah Bitter birds!!!!

  • Jaci

    @JS

    You are so ignorant. I have almost lost my religion about three times. I am not going to sit here and further belittle myself with the likes of you. You are disgusting. You don’t know where you’ve been and that tells me you have no idea where you are going.

    Some of the greatest people have been African American. Yep, look it up. Pick up your Bible even… Those folks… Black. It’s too bad

    I think for myself very well. I think enough for myself to tell you to take the nearest sharp object and fall on it. Do the entire Black race a favor. We’d appreciate it. You’d be one less ignorant, classless …demon for us to have to deal with on the public front. We’ve got enough going on… Come back and speak to me when you are doing something to help out the community. Right now… What you’re doing is useless… No one cares. You’re stupid and we all know it.

    I’m going to bed now because well… I’m a black woman with stuff to do … so that I can go chill with my black man for the holiday… It’s been …real…

    two fingers.

  • minna k.

    @ Clnmike. This sit down and shut up type of “anytime sex” that this woman is supposed to love sounds dangerously like domestic rape. That is what could be potentially wrong.

    @ Smart & Brown Man, I couldn’t help but to be concerned about your comment. all kinds of couples argue. And it should be o.k. I think the beauty is HOW you disagree. To never have an argument with your loved one over anything is to not deal with a real sincere person. No one can agree with you 100% of the time. And no woman will ALWAYS want to have sex when you feel like it, no matter how much she is into you, and she shouldn’t feel pressured to either. Unless she is a slave. I would hope that you would want a willing participant in your relationship, and not someone who is obedient and bought.

  • minna k.

    Sure, if he can dance!! :)

  • Clnmike

    @minna k. Now we both read the same thing and no where did he say sit down and shut up. I saw it as him saying a woman who is free and open with her sexuality. Not rape.

  • JustSaying…

    @Jaci

    Judging from your comments it’s hard to believe you follow any religion.

    Notice you didn’t actually address my comment (probably because it’s can’t be disputed), but instead you started speaking in the tongues of a typical holy roller. Shall I call a priest to perform an exorcism? Let us pray…

    Dear Lord,

    Please help Jaci find her mind (I’m assuming she had one at some point). She knows not what she say. That evil Lucifer has caught hold of her and is trying to insert his penis. Please Lord have mercy on her soul. In the name of the father, son, and holy spirit.

    AMEN!

  • Jaci

    @JS

    Your mockery of religion is the absolute last thing I will tolerate from you.

    You have yourself a good night. I am no longer going to entertain you. You just proved yourself to be a lot things in my book, not one respectable.

    Good night… In fact, I’m done speaking with you. I will not reduce myself to your level any further.

  • JustSaying…

    @Jaci

    Miss me with this “I am the mother of the earth” stuff. Don’t you have a bible to go thump?

  • Quell

    I’m just tired of hearing in order to get a good black man you gotta be this that thing and the other, when in reality a lot of black men don’t have anything going for themselves and when they do they’re not checking for black women. It’s funny how they want black women to have all these amazing qualities but when it comes to women of other races they can be uneducated, totally out of shape, and have nothing going for themselves.

    It’s great that these men are looking for good black women, but it’s not going to put a dent in the numbers of single black women, who just really need to stop looking for black love and pay attention to the other races who are interested.

  • JustSaying…

    @Jaci

    Boo YOU make a mockery of your religion…I suggest you read your comments.

    The name calling, the condescension, etc came from YOU first. So please save me the speech and just taken your ass to Sunday school and repent.

  • Avril

    All of you must be american. Only americans behave this way toward one another within their own “racial” and “ethnic” group. Both the women and the men on this posting need to grow up. Bad mouthing the other is not what mature adults do. Only child behave like you all are behaving like. Not everyone is destined to find someone. Those who are successive and alone could be foster parents or adopt an american or a foreign child. Or they could invest that money to have a nice nest egg to fall back on. If you are not a baby boomer you are going to be screwed when you get older. (that’s if America can survive this horrible economic mess they have been swimming in for while)

  • Denise A.

    Let’s be fair here. There are very few black men (and thank goodness they congregate around each other so you know who to stay away from) who have “God” complexes chasing fantasy women or looking for a meal ticket.

    Most single Black Men are just looking for a nice black lady who takes care of herself. The ones looking for educated black women usually have an education or they want to make sure the example is there and these guys will work hard to support their families.

    Let’s also consider the fact that these guys are looking for women who WANT to be wives, not just get married. The numbers aren’t skewed out of decent black women’s favor.

    We know where the majority (over 50%) of black women fall; Non-professional, slightly overweight, single mothers, who are unrefined. A good percentage of professional black women are hard or emotionally stunted (I’ve worked with these ladies and they define themselves by their careers, not as women-to be fair black women haven’t been given that opportunity socially since the 17th century in the US to just be). The percentage that are crack heads and hoodrats aren’t complaining. Ironically most of these women can’t be changed by a positive black man. Its a job for a white or non black men. These women grow up without their fathers so of course most of them don’t respect black men in general.

    So the number of decent black women who; take care of themselves, don’t fall for stupid trends (like lace front wigs, shaving their heads, expensive handbags, Wiz Khalifa), who are childless, have families and friends who keep them grounded/positive not take advantage of them, are refined, and willing to just be nice have it made.

    The number of decent black men is higher than the number of decent black women. So if you are think your decent, and be honest with yourself, its time to separate your self from the pack. The only thing you have to lose is the negative stigma.

  • msinformed

    Being a mid 20′s black woman, reading this bickering from both sides has been both disheartening, and disturbing. In the end do what makes you feel great about yourself, with whomever makes you feel this way. A friend of mine, very successful black man, once told me he dates women, this stuck with me, and I have adopted the same way of thinking. Every race/ethnic group have poison and positives.

    And please, in the name of all things good, act and treat each other with some kind of respect.

  • msinformed

    @Minak sorry don’t know how that posted right under your comment.

  • msinformed

    Being a mid 20′s black woman, reading this bickering from both sides has been both disheartening, and disturbing. In the end do what makes you feel great about yourself, with whomever makes you feel this way. A friend of mine, very successful black man, once told me he dates women, this stuck with me, and I have adopted the same way of thinking. Every race/ethnic group have poison and positives.

    And please, in the name of all things good, act and treat each other with some kind of respect.

  • Erica

    @ Denise,so the number of decent black men is higher than the number of decent black women? Really? Last time I check the prisons were full of black men not black women.

  • Dave

    Im falling in line with all the brothers set to ride with the QueenofNewcastle. Your comment call for accountability on both sides of this debate. Often we are only comfortable talking about one.

  • QueenofNewcastle

    @Erica

    I think you may have missed Denise’s point. A black man’s stay in prison certainly is a minus for him as a long term romantic prospect because it will be harder for him to become gainfully employed yet, you deliberately ignored Denise’s point about things that are even far more common among black women that are a minus for her being a long term partner.

    For instance, many men dont want to deal with a woman with children- combined this with the fact that many black women have children with different men. Also, many men dont want to marry a big woman. Also many men dont want to deal with a woman who is as stubborn and recalcitrant as a mule. Most black women happen to fall into these aforementioned categories. Yes, you can throw your degrees in a man’s face but he isnt putting a ring on your degree.

    Also you can talk about the number of black men who have gone to prison but you and I both know as black women that that hasnt hurt them in the dating game. In fact it may have helped.

  • http://hoodlook.tumblr.com/post/2574498214/do-we-know-what-were-fighting-for Jasmine

    I just had this conversation recently with an unmarried 35 year old brotha (who is an engineer). This whole claim of waiting until your finances are together before you can think about finding a mate is not totally logical. If you wait until every dollar is stacked and expensive toy is bought you will never get married.

    Not that you shouldn’t have your financial situation under control, but perfection is going to come at a young age (if ever). This is America – land of fictional dreams and debt (even the “good kind” like student loans)! Despite this bridge in Brooklyn their trying to sell us, we know for fact that everyone isn’t going to be financially wealthy, famous, or extraordinary.

    Not to mention, most other cultures don’t wait; they start young and build together. Imagine what our incomes could do together instead of us both draining our individual resources (i.e. spending years renting as a single person). I think those who start (relatively) young together get a lot farther than those who go it alone forever – and this is measured in more than dollar signs. Advice I heard once: “If you do it on your own, you’re not going to want to share it as much.” Just sayin’.

  • lynette

    @Abstract
    @Unique

    I’ve acutally been thinking a lot about arranged marriages for my future daughters and although i cringe thinking about that idea…I honestly don’t see any other way of ensuring a decent life for them….the way the world is going now she will never find a husband unless she is raised in that type of environment…my Indian co-workers have arranged marriages and they say there are ups and downs with it but they say they would not have picked good husbands and wives if it weren’t for their parents.

    My girlfriends with daughters are trying to start something like that now…

  • lynette

    Interesting article! I was just telling someone the other day that the real issue with dating in the black community is that there is such an imbalance of single quality black women to black men that it makes dating impossible. One because ofcourse black women become unhappy with their limited options and two because it makes men not want to commit knowing there’s always another woman around the corner. I see so many men well into the 50′s that haven’t even thought about committment until he’s just about ready to kick the bucket:)…

    By the way I am so tired about all the comments on how black women are fat and have bad attitudes…I know a lot of women who keep themselves together and are very pleasant people. So please point me to the single, eligible men who you say don’t want fat women with attitudes. I will send them the address and directions of how to get there to meet these men:)…lol!!

  • Nneoma

    from QueenNewCastle: “When did a woman having a college education equal her being fit for marriage? What does that say about her sense of loyalty to her husband?”

    Perhaps a college degree does not automatically equal fitness for marriage, but it sure does help. I am only aware of the stats on the general population (not on whites vs blacks), but college grads are more likely to stay married for a longer time (even if they get married late) compared to high school only grads. And needless to say, the social and economic benefits they pass down to their children are immeasurable. In their heart of hearts, a number of these eligible black bachelors are looking for their Claire Huxtable or Michelle Obama. I agree, you must become the person you want to marry – in terms of physical, emotional and financial health, but I sense a bit of resentment (and not just in this comment, but in other discussions) towards the uppity black woman with the undergrad/graduate degree. It seems like education is accepted as an unequivocally good thing for all people except black women. While I could understand QueenNewCastle’s other comments, I had to REJECT the above quotes because it reminded me so much of comments my aunts make towards my female relatives in Nigeria who beat the odds and went to school, but are seen as “less-than” because they are single. The shackles we women place on our fellow women are incredible.

    Rather than celebrating the educational aspiration of black women, we denigrate them for failing to heed the call of the traditional place of a woman. It’s reminiscent of how black women and men are castigated for pursuing an education, moving to better neighborhoods and “talking white” rather than being “down,” with so-called traditional values.

  • Nneoma

    And another thing, the problems that black men and women face in the marriage market will soon be the problem that other Americans will face either in our generation or the next. White men too, are also seeing their numbers decline in undergraduate and graduate institutions. Medical schools are nearly majority women. Men, white and black, suffered from the loss of manufacturing and construction jobs, while jobs in the healthcare industry (like nursing) still continue to grow. And now, there are articles up about the older white woman who CHOOSES single-motherhood, since she too, finds the pickings a bit slim.

    And the, “majority-of-black-women-have-herpes” articles will soon be the *American* epidemic of herpes because that virus is coming to a Caucasian neighborhood near you. All Americans are getting fatter, and louder, and rude-er and on beautiful Saturday morning you may find your Caucasian girlfriend getting her weave, umm, I mean “extensions,” getting hooked up too. African-American names like “Shania” and “Cayla” once castigated, have been made “mainstream,” and the worst of the saggy-pants offenders can be found in the burbs or on your local electronics store white male employee who suffers from the “no-ass-at-all” syndrome.

    The problem is that such issues are amplified among African Americans when you take into consideration our history and socio-economic status.

  • Nneoma

    I think it’s clear from your comments that you’re not a fan of educated black women. Labeling most educated black women as recalcitrant (as a mule), fat, and whorish – is not a good look. In fact it is downright racist.

    Are you trying to say that education predisposes black women and black women alone to such behaviors or that education does not prevent black women and black women alone from these behaviors? Because the statistics, I am sure would prove otherwise.

    I’d hate for you are someone like you to visit a local black high school and encourage black girls to avoid college or higher education because it dampens their marriage prospects and doesn’t provide them opportunities to ready themselves for marriage (while for every other race and people group out there, education of women is ALWAYS seen as a priority…well except if you are ruled by the Taliban or some other rigidly patriarchal group).

  • lynette

    So very true! My white co-worker told me the other day she hasn’t talked to a single available man outside of the job in years …and she is in her 40′s and lives alone with her cats…

  • africana

    shoulda known this was gonna be a fight.. let me grab my popcorn…

  • Abstract

    @Chutney, (Respectfully) How did you become a single mother? Do you think that impacts your dating choices?

  • Abstract

    @Smart & Brown

    I would argue that a woman is not in her dating prime at 30 years old. The bartering chips for marriage pairings for women are highest around 25 (mid twenties) and age 28 and 29 is pushing it for just getting started in finding a husband prospect–considering youth, fertility.

    Again, I would like to present the option of matchmaking and arraigned marriages. That could be a good option since “good” black women and men are having trouble just meeting and locating each other.

    The hustle for building a marriage for both black women and men should be just as strong as completing a degree and jet setting in one’s career. Who told us that we couldn’t build both at the same time?

    What do you think?

  • Abstract

    Again. What about matchmaking and arranged marriages?

  • sli

    @misinformed:
    I agree, this back and forth crap is ridiculous. The sad part about it is this-we can’t have an honest conversation about black relationships because the same people always want to run in and ruin every post with their pseudo-intelligence and their black men ain’t…or black women are…That foolishness is old, ignorant, and tiresome; and it doesn’t solve anything.

  • Chutney

    @Abstract – To answer your question — In my late twenties I got engaged, got pregnant, moved in with my fiancee, but never married him. The relationship didn’t work out for a number of reasons, which I won’t get into here. We both made mistakes. I decided to get a master’s degree to expand my options since I was raising a child alone. This led to an administrative position within my field. In my 30′s I’ve been raising my daughter and working. I definitely would like to get married and have another child but time is never on a woman’s side for these things, so I have been to a fertility doctor to have my eggs frozen. This gives me some breathing room while I look for a potential mate. But I wouldn’t have another child unless I was married. I don’t care what anyone says, raising a child alone is extremely hard — and I make decent money. I can’t imagine how difficult it is for women who don’t make a living and reasonable wage. The boyfriend is very sweet. He is 28 and loveable as anything. He is a beautiful black man with a real sense of purpose in his life. But I was his age when I got pregnant, so I know 28 is too young to be committing to anything unless you know in your heart you are ready. So I absolutely do not put on the pressure. At the same time, I know my goals have an expiration date! So I date him and love him (in a casual way), but I am still looking out the corner of my eye, you know…

  • http://www.facebook.com/uniquedvine Unique D’Vine

    How about this Adonis….why don’t you GOOGLE MY NAME and we’ll let the result speak for themselves. Thanks. :)

  • isolde

    Any day now, with that alleged anti-trolling system, Clutch.

  • Denise A.

    @Nneoma

    No one is saying black women shouldn’t go to college to increase their chances for marriage and I think you know that isn’t what she is saying.

    What she is saying, and I agree with, is that most professional and educated black women use their titles to define themselves and not their gender. They aren’t fun to be around to other women so you know the men aren’t getting anywhere. Why are they so mean? And over at the Denny’s that 27 year old waitress is the sweetest thing and gets asked out by the guys that prof/edu black women say they can’t find on their level.

    For once lets be honest instead of defensive.

  • Isis

    I agree LN. My friends are married to these kinds of men but like you said they are very few and far between.

  • Isis

    Wow!!! Interesting comments. I enjoyed the banter. I don’t feel like typing but I agree with most of the points here

  • isolde

    @Denise A.

    @Denise A.

    If referring to black women as recalcitrant mules isn’t racist, I don’t know what is. You must be new round these parts. JONC lacing comments with sexist, racist tropes about black women is the norm.

    Query “This Proposal went Terribly Wrong” or “QOTD: Are you Checking for Daddy Potential” in the Clutch search box to see what I mean.

  • QueenofNewcastle

    @Nneoma

    “Perhaps a college degree does not automatically equal fitness for marriage, but it sure does help. I am only aware of the stats on the general population (not on whites vs blacks), but college grads are more likely to stay married for a longer time (even if they get married late) compared to high school only grads. ”

    No, a college degree helps people STAY married not get married. If people divorce for financial reasons and a college education gives you a leg up on your finances, its easy to see how an education can avert a divorce. Also it would seem like a man having a college education would be far more beneficial in a marriage than a woman.

    Consider that having a college education means that you would be older when you get married too which also correlates with a more stable marriage.

    “Rather than celebrating the educational aspiration of black women, we denigrate them for failing to heed the call of the traditional place of a woman. ”

    Has anyone actually denigrated black women for having a higher education? No.

  • omg

    i wonder if clutch would allow someone to post racist comments with such frequency.

    this person has offered his *#@! to someone to make her feel better or to tame her. and he’s saying black women’s *&^#@!-stock is poorly managed.

    i think some back and forth is okay but some people are a bit vile, no?

    why is this individual allowed to post?

  • Wello

    i’m waiting my self

    some of there comments here are disgusting and plain hateful. sometimes i would never of known going by the comments made on clutch that this blog is suppose to be for black women. most sites for black women always end up with anti bw trolls and black men that feel they are the center of the universe makes everything about them and blame bw women for everything.

    it would be nice if there could actually be intelligent dialogue and all of this wishy washy pseudo- intellectual crap to justify some people deep seated issues and need to put black women in their place.
    so many mummy issues.

  • KC

    I have felt nothing but disgust reading through these comments. Black people, we are indeed in a very sad, degraded situation. No wonder other races look down on us. I can’t blame them at all!

  • KC

    This:

    “I see so many men well into the 50′s that haven’t even thought about committment until he’s just about ready to kick the bucket:)…”

    I recently made brought this up in a conversation with someone about black men’s perceived aversion to marriage. I can’t tell you many examples of this I’ve seen in my life. I’ve always felt that one of the biggest obstacles in black male/female relationships is a reluctance of many black men to just grow up. So many of them seem to not want to assume true full-time responsibilities and commitments in their lives – so they will have children with a woman but refuse to marry her because they are “too young” and “not ready”; and they never seem to be “ready” until they are old and no longer able to live free-wheeling, promiscuous lifestyles and are looking for someone to take care of them.

  • Blutopaz

    @CInmike

    GTFOOH with critiques of “anytime sex”, huh?

    Way to go disputing the stereotype of Black men as oversexed, out of control primates, and still hanging out on a woman’s site trying to tell women how to think!!

    Congrats to you as well! That is a very stylish mug shot you have there btw.

    Seriously, Punks irl and online–can’t get your own shit so whaddaya do-hang around a group of women complaining. At least you all are consistent.

  • Blutopaz

    @JustSaying

    Yeah, and the even sadder thing is she’s a Nigerian Brit, and she commented on the all BM/WW couples in the UK. I wanted to tell her the fastest way of meeting a young Black guy in NYC is to hang out at da club or some of the afrocentric events around the city.

    And I thought i was the only one who thought it odd so many eunuchs hang out on this site and try their feeble best to put wimmenfolk back in our place. LIke hanging out in the kitchen behind skirts, then dip their fingers in the pot and complain nothing tastes right. This site should really curtail this, those White feminazis over at Jezebel would have ran them out of here with a quickness.

    Thing is, a lot of Black males like the ones on this site feel the one thing that has made them fearsome-their dic–, are made out of gold. They truly cannot imagine the propoganda that has gotten them lynched, harassed, etc. does not have truth to it, and the predictable retort about a woman needing some of their di– is so pathetic. Imagine walking around feeling like everyone wanted some of your puna—, and you are going to force it on anyone who is not interested.

    Many of them believe and revere the same hype that has branded them as savages, they’re too stupid to know it, and want everyone to cry over them when their machismo lands them in hot water.

  • Nneoma

    @Denise
    Urggh, I’d hate for this to degenerate into classicism, but I would like to repeat for those who didn’t have access to a good guidance counselor in high school, but college equals good idea for everyone, including future wives.

    Despite the media hype, college educated black women are more likely to be married, be in better physical health, stay married for a longer period of time, less likely to have been in jail, more likely to have children who also attend college and not jail, and less likely to be raising children by herself than the 27year old never-attended college waitress. So I still remain confused as to why my fellow black female co-eds are being villified.

    And I would like to second the notion that black men also face a marriage crisis as well. Black men are least likely to get married compared to their other race counterparts. I guess the difference is that they couldn’t give a flip about it. Well such is life today, less people are getting married all around.

  • Blutopaz

    @Jaci–Excuse me if I missed it in this very long thread, but while you are chastising JS, have you had anything to say about our friend upthread who says all Black women should be down and shut up about “anytime sex” and a meal whenever a man wants it? Sounds like slavery to me, and not one of the males who showed up to fist bump water carrier Queen has anything to say about it either, except for the daily resident eunuch who comes out for his feeding. Doesn’t that tell you something? Again my apologies if you actually did comment on that.

    But you want to go on about how you love, cherish and protect the Black Man (harps and angels singing). All that is great if you have good men in your life which many women do, but it seems you are willing to overlook the level of disprespect shown to your own gender.

    Even if Black women start showing up on BigDonks.com or whatever sites these types of BM “read” (and i clarify that because there are REAL MEN who are not all up in the hen house like this,handing their biz) and talk shit, I still won’t understand this level of insecurity under the guise of being “a man”. But support on, if it makes you feel useful!

  • Clnmike

    @Blutopazz Stop ypur bloodclot crying. The fact that you would even find something wrong with “anytime sex” and co-sign the troll speaks volumes about you. Somebody needs to counter the BS you and your ilk spit.

  • Blutopaz

    So a woman who is open and free with her sexuality= someone who wants to fu– everytime a man wants to.

    Just admit this is what you and your bruh think, and stop insulting everyone’s intelligence trying to rephrase ish. You are nowhere near smart enough for that, and his words you are fist bumping sound EXACTLY like the ones I have heard with some of the domestic rape survivors I have spoken with.

    Cuz btw, rape can happen in the home, not just in a dark alley so you can stop trying to distance yourself from the criminals you resemble. Carry on.

  • Clnmike

    @blutopazz Rape? There you go with you go with your lack of reading comprehension skills again. No where did you read anything remotely close to that. You got some gall even typing the word intelligence up in here. I leave you to your misery.

  • JC

    The problem is that both men and women have superficial standards for good relationships. A healthy relationship is not defined by purchasing power.

    I understand the basic need to comfortably support a family. But if your partner is currently getting an education and doing other things that will allow them to access well paying jobs in the future, then why can’t you bare with them until he/she starts enjoying the returns of their hard work? Isn’t that fact that he/she is currently investing in his/her future evidence that he/she is a responsible and mature person?

    It not like as soon as your partner starts earning a lot of money your relationship will transform for the better. Wealthy and successful people have high divorce rates too!

    SMFH

  • Vee

    @BluTopaz and JustSaying

    YES YES AND YES

    I don’t think there is anything on earth that disgusts me more than men like that. Even if I had no other options I would rather be asexual than be with a man that thinks that way. Sadly it seems like more and more men have this belief..think their dick is gold, call themselves “good men” when everything that truly really matters about their character is complete crap. They buy the media hype but fail to see its negative implications on themselves and the Black community as a whole. It actually makes me shudder.

  • Denise A.

    @Nneoma

    My mother and sister are both educated and married women and I don’t recall my father or brother in law using their degrees (damn good ones too) when considering them as decent ladies. None of them met in college by the way.

    Black couples sep/divo at a higher rate as well so something isn’t making sense. What they call a “marriage crisis” doesn’t affect men the same as it affects women. No is asking black men to go on television and talk about there few options or the lack of women on their level. I’m starting to think that black women are the ones intimidated by a successful black man. But that an aside.

    I highly doubt there would be a marriage crisis if over 50% of black women were married. Again marriage isn’t something men have to wait on, it is something women (race inclusive) have to wait on.

    Being college educated doesn’t equal childless either. A healthy percentage of black women getting their degrees are single mothers being offered incentives most people have to be veterans to get. Lets not act like all black women are getting their degrees as childless coeds. That waitress doesn’t have to be a single mother either.

  • Nneoma

    @Queen
    http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/dailyweekly/2010/10/today_in_sex_college_degree_no.php

    Please kindly check the fourth paragraph which states that College educated black women are More likely to get married than non-college-educated black women. The article then later states that college women on the whole stay married longer for the reasons you mentioned. It is only recently that college educated white women started marrying at the same rates as high school only white women. Again, it begs the question why the media and members of the black community lay the blame of the black marriage crisis at the feet of college educated women. We’re trying to hold up our end of the bargain and hope more black women and men follow our footsteps and GO TO COLLEGE, and get married!

  • Quell

    @omg

    it’s a shame that a black man(I use the term “man” loosely) can be more racist against black women than any other race. I think a man who spends his days on a website for black women bashing them has problems, and can’t be that great of a catch or he’d be doing something else with his time.

  • RealityCheck

    Le sigh……..at these comments.
    i find it funny how black men and women who don’t like the opposite sex come online specifically to tell the other about themselves…..
    luckily, most black people don’t act according
    now, i may be the only one who’s familiar with this, but I believe that black marriage is on the rise.

    =)

  • JW

    I hate how people act how it is so easy for black men to find a good black women (especially if you’re looking for one of a certain education level). It seems alot of black women really seem blind to the flaws of black women as a group.

    Let alot of black women’s it it’s like all black men are in prison or trifling, prison record having, no job having, uneducated, OOW kids creating, lazy bums.
    Let the same black women tell it all black women are highly educated, beautiful, classy, no OOW kids having, caring, amiable, dainty little delicate flowers lol.

    I mean 39.2 percent of black women are obese, so that alone takes the eligible bw dating pool down to 60%. Then you have to take out the bw with oow kids which alot have so lets cut that down by half to 30%. You of course have a crazy amount of bw with terrible attitudes or emotionally stunted so you gotta cut that down by half to 15%. Despite it not being talked about alot there are alot of bw in prison so we gotta drop that down by 4% to 11%. Then you have to account for the amount of ladies that are lesbians so lets go ahead and further shave that down to 7%. Then you have to take into account the obvious, which is if they want to get married so lets lower it to 5%. After being reduced to that small percentage if you’re looking for bw with a certain level of education then it’s further greatly reduced. Finally, of course the greatest qualifier of all location, they have to atleast be somewhat near you which reduces the insanely small pool even further lol.

    I really don’t feel black men have it any better when looking for a good black woman to settle down with. When we’re sometimes a member of a certain gender/race we don’t wanna see the flaws with members of the same gender/race just the opposite sex since they’re the only ones that have to dealt with romantically.

  • JW

    I like your possitivity, I wish more people were like that. I’m rather tired of the gender war too. While this topic is a gender topic it was kinda different that it wasn’t bashing anyone, can’t say the same for the commenters though.

    Usually a gender topic is about black women can’t find decent black men, and black men aint shit because they in prison, on the DL, lazy, and uneducated. I was suprised there was something good about black man for once.

  • binks

    Agree Wello, it is very sad. But LOL at anti-trolling system, I think for this type of topic we need it. Sadly, I knew how the comments were going to go base on the topic alone. As I said before, don’t believe the hype

  • Jaci

    *claps*

    You couldn’t be more right. The fact that we can sit here and degrade our own race helps us to fall. That’s what I was trying to get across and really… It’s not all Americans who do this… It’s AFRICAN-Americans. We need to get a grip… All this back biting and hating our own leads to us being lost further in the wilderness. Not being supportive is how we get into the BIGGEST messes.

  • omg

    lmao.

    first, accdg to the CDC, in 2009 32% of black men and 43% of black women over 18 were obese.

    second, the CDC also says 72% of black men are either overweight or obese and 78% of black women are either overweight or obese.

    k?

    it would seem to me that black men are just as fat as black women.

    so, get your facts straight and present the truth.

    when i look around i see lots of overweight/obese bm. people just prefer to be more critical of bw.

  • Blutopaz

    And I will leave you to your continued delusions. For a man to state a woman should be ‘down with anytime sex and a meal’ is some of the most outdated, ignorant, caveman shit i have heard in a long time.

    And all the negroes who keep threatening to ‘go to the other side’ is a giveaway that they are delusional as well, because there is no one group of women who will tolerate being treated that way.

    Btw if I was miserable, I would be on a man’s site screaming for attention and telling them their way of thinking is wrong.

  • JW

    I used the 2008 stats because I didn’t see the 2009 my bad although you should have stuck with the 2008 because that’s even worse. Also if you think their are near as many black men that are obese as black women you just aren’t being honest with yourself I’m sorry everyone with two eyes who isn’t biased has been able to make that observation. Black AMERICAN women have a huge obesity epidemic (not africans or carribean) and when ever it’s brought up black women are defensive and try to make it about other groups which by the way aren’t close.

    Also no black men don’t have near the obesity problem of bw, the bmi which determines obesity just looks at height and weight and makes no distinction between fat and muscle. Which means if you’re a 5’8 210 pound NFL running back your obese lol. If you’re thinking well why only make that point about black men and not black women, well because:
    A. women retain much more fat and bodies contain much more fat
    B. men are socially conditioned to exercise more with sports and other activities.
    C. Because I use my own eyes and I and people around me see a crap load of obese. black women, where as the men are into pretty decent shape and muscular.

    Me and my mom always talk about how this is really getting scary and like what’s gonna happen when these younger women who- their generation is especially fat- grow up, I mean are they even gonna make it to 50 or are they just gonna drop dead sometime in their 40′s and if they’re in the 200′s now what are they gonna be when they get older? This is a huge problem and the black community really needs to deal with it before it gets even more out of hand.

    Sorry, I’m sure you disagree but I’m just willing to bet that the mens bmi weight is a whole lot less fat content then black women especially considering that black men have the lowest body fat percentage out of all the races of men. Just going by what I see in south Atlanta black women and mens obesity rates aren’t even close.

    God knows black men have problems but obesity is definitely not one. I’m not trying to bash black women I was just saying it’s hard for black men to find a good mate too.

  • Blutopaz

    @ Vee,

    Yeah.

    ‘yall want summa dis mandingo meat right huuurrrr!’ is always the default line used, and our friend above is even threatening to subject some poor White women to it. So primitive.

  • JW

    * PS: How is 32% just as fat 43%? There’s kinda a sizeable difference in those two stats.

  • lady day

    I’ve been around a long time and I notice that MANY REAL MEN DONT CARE ABOUT A WOMENS DEGREE

  • omg

    man, go to the cdc website and you will see how they break down the various categories/years/genders/races.

    if you can’t decipher that stuff, you have no business trying to take anyone to school.

    google is your friend; use it.

    lol.

  • apples

    LMAO, you cannot say women expect too much with that list.

  • Tiffanie

    @Africana- LMAO, i know, right? Like a racial boxing match!

  • Tiffanie

    Dear MyThoughts,

    Please do not write off all modern-day black women. I am a 24-yr-old black woman who grew up in a single-mother household and, while i knew my dad, had no real example of how a real man is supposed to be. Even though my dad was very promiscuous & has several children, all by a different woman, that never caused me to chase after men who are players & thugs. As a matter of fact, i cannot stand men who fit that description- u know- saggy pants, mean mug, rims,etc-I hate guys like that- even though it is expected of my age group to be into guys like that. When it comes to dating and just life in general, im a total nonconformist. Yes, i understand that you have seen a rather larger number of black women who embody all these negative characteristics(being stubborn & rude, etc,etc) but remember there are people like me out there who actually are young, yet living their life in a manner that is capable of setting an example for other people. I may not be getting some fancy degree, but i am in college trying to educate myself so that i can be self-employed & calling my own shots when it comes to my career. As for men, i LOVE men who are educated. Not only acedemically, but in common sense as well. Guys with a lot of material things and money do not impress me & if a guy were to try to use that as a bait to lure me to them, I would laugh in their face and politely chant “SMH, SMH…Next!”lol

    I myself sometimes have a hard time finding black people(both men and women) who can relate to me. It’s like, if i dont have an attitude, a weave, a thug mentality & some babies outta wedlock, i dont qualify as a real black woman. So basically, the same things that so many people complain about as it pertains to black men or black women, are the same traits they expect them to have in order to be accepted. It can be very confusing sometimes cuz it’s like-Okay, so if im not crazy & stubborn with an attitude problem, black women dont wanna be around me, but if i AM LIKE THAT, then men wont want me. Now dont get me wrong, i am fully aware of the fact that not all black people are like that, but like you, i have met quite a few that are.

    Anyway, i said all that to say this: Believe it or not, there are still decent, young black women out there looking for decent black men and willing to accept them with open arms.Not just black men, but men in general who are good men. Not only myself, but girlfriends who i grew up with and many more as well. Dont be fooled by the masses- we’re out there, you just gotta know where to look. I hope this changes your mind.

  • Unique_one

    Smh at the comments here…

  • JW

    Um yeah……….I’ve already been to the CDC. I’ve also already seen the breakdowns.

  • Kim

    You have managed to blame basically every problem that exists in the Black community on Black women… Your statement may not be aggressive but its just as illogical.

    The problem many people have with this conversation is failing to see other black people as individuals. I find it very hard to believe that “most” Black women are the way some of you have described considering I am one myself and have known several in my (granted short) lifetime.

    We are all individual people and despite what you may want to believe based on your own experiences every woman has her own strengths and weaknesses, her own quirks, her on flaws, and her own great qualities. No one is perfect…. And there are quite a few Black men with issues as well (as we all are reminded of daily). In fact, quite a few of everyone of all races has issues. Why don’t people just date who they please and go on a one on one basis. Last I checked I don’t date “Black men” I date individual men.

    The sweeping generalizations are getting old and its sad that even we stereotype our own people, yet get mad when others do it. I’m all for expanding your options but there is no need to throw anyone under the bus. I’m sorry your marriage did not work out but projecting your ex-wife’s issues on “Black women” is not beneficial to anyone. At the end of the day we’re all only trying to be with one person not “Black women” or “Black men” as a whole.

  • African Mami

    @ My thoughts,

    I’ll be very honest, I only read your essay because I saw the word aviation and pilot! Which I absolutely loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    We are not all crazzzzzzzzzzzzy as you make as to be! Just my thoughts. By the way, are you single and looking? Text 1-800-African-Mami.

  • Nneoma

    I second the above and regret that I thought that simply ignoring his rude and sexist comments would be the solution. But yes, I too agree that Adonis’ comments have no place in even the most minimally decent online conversations.

  • LN

    @QueenofNewCastle @Clnmike @rastaman @Dave

    You guys are KILLING ME with your delusion, lol. You don’t know where the unmarried, eligible black women are?? Go to ANY black sorority party in ANY state in ANY city, lol! Y’all are killing me for real.

    But seriously, interracial marriage is the only answer for black women. So… yeh. All your ranting in this comment box isn’t really going to change that. Get on the right side of history.

  • lola289

    yes…Yes…YES!@all comments :)

  • Wha!!!

    Agree.

  • Wha!!!

    I have a solution to every problem stated in the comments. How about you stop blaming each other and SHUT THE F**K UP!!

  • Wha!!!

    I have a solution to every problem stated in the comments. If you think a black woman / man will be your downfall , then don’t date BLACK! Go be a bitch somewhere else.

  • Girl

    Um why are you looking for a gf when you are in school, money is tight, etc? I’d think you’d focus more on getting back on your feet?

  • Girl

    agreeing to anytime sex is one of the respond for all this babymama ish to be honest

  • Serenity

    So I guess The Willie Lynch Syndrome is still alive and well.

  • Tiffany

    @Tiffanie
    Very well said.

  • DKCA

    I have brothers, I have heard the same sentiments from them and their friends. I think its hard to date, period, and no one group has it harder than the other.

    I’m going to have to give this site up, I’m all for supporting writers and their craft, but the articles are getting a little desperate and the comments are getting a lot Springer-ish. Internet beef has lost its flavor…

Latest Stories

Hashtivism: See How Twitter Took Over #myNYPD to Highlight Police Brutality

by

V.O.T.D: “Thugs, The Musical!”

by

Open Thread: Did You Watch “The Boondocks” Season Premiere?

by

Paul Ryan to Meet With CBC to Clear Up Racially Insensitive Comments

by
Read previous post:
QOTD: Would You Go On A First Date To McDonalds?
NYPD Assault Hip-Hop Fans At Pete Rock Album Release Party
Close