I Lie…

by

As a single woman who is relatively successful, I always get asked that dreaded question. You know the question I’m talking about, the “When are you getting married?” question. It never fails. I don’t care how much I’m able to achieve in my career and how high up the corporate ladder I climb, I always get asked that question. So, I lie …

I know you’re asking yourself what would a college-educated woman have to lie about, so please let me explain. I lie and say that I’m married to my career although I know that deep down inside I’m lonely. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love being single and all the freedom that it allows, but just once I would love to know what it feels like to be in love. I would love to feel that feeling of my heart racing when his ringtone chimes on my phone. I know it sounds childish, but honestly I long for that feeling. But because I don’t want to get my hopes up high only to be disappointed, I lie …

I’ve convinced myself that love doesn’t exist for me. I mean let’s be honest, who in their right mind would love me? The media and some black “authors” have done nothing but stoke my fears about there not being any brothers out there that are willing to love me. They basically told me that as a single, educated black woman I’m the least desired by anyone. So here I am lying to myself in order to convince myself that I can go through the world alone without love. I lie …

I can walk into a boardroom and command the room, but yet I dread facing my auntie at the family gatherings because I know she’s going to ask me that dreaded question; instantly making me feel less than. Now don’t get me wrong, I know my auntie isn’t asking to hurt my feelings. I believe she really and truly wants the best for me, and in her wanting the best she believes the best involves marriage and children. So instead of telling her how I’ve been praying to God to send me a man. A good man. An honest man. A funny man. A man that loves God and his mother. I lie …

I lie because lying is easier than living in a reality where love may not exist for me. Lying allows me, if only for a moment, to be in control of something that is so uncontrollable‚ÄĒlove. Lying allows me to hide my fears and the fact that I am scared. It allows me to pretend that those dreams I had about my life as a little kid never existed. I just sweep that part of my life under the rug and pretend I never wrote out the names of my future kids in my diary when I was thirteen-years-old.

Lying allows me to forget about those nights I spent at home alone crying thinking about those past loves and what went wrong. Lying allows me to hide my insecurities and the fact that superwoman has a chink in her armor.

Dammit I’m human and I have feelings. So, instead of dealing with those feelings head-on like I’m supposed to, I just lie and pray to God they’ll go away. Because if I can convince you to believe the lie maybe one day I can convince myself. You know, convince myself into believing that I’m okay.

So until that day, I’ll continue to lie … because hell I’m tired!

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  • No need to lie, the moment somebody ask you when you getting married you reply…
    “The day you get out of my DA!MN business will be the day I get married! Anymore questions?”

  • GIRL!! PREACH

    It’s a tough spot to be in, isn’t it. You would think another black woman would be more aware of the situation and not ask that type of question.

    I think you would feel better and more empowered by simply saying “I haven’t met the right one yet, but I will be sure to let you know when I do, in the meantime…can you decide that there is much more about my life that you could ask me?”