Just Me and My Baby: Is Motherhood Enough?
While it seems like everyone I know has a bun in the oven, fertility has always been up in the air for me. But it wasn’t until weeks before a major surgery and my 30th birthday that the desire to have a child hit me like a ton of bricks. The feeling has since died down, and for now, the idea of motherhood doesn’t dictate or validate my existence, but it’s definitely on my radar.
I recently watched The Back-Up Plan, starring Jennifer Lopez for the first time. After a self-imposed deadline to find “The One” passed, Lopez’s character put her back-up plan to have a child into action. She was willing and ready to raise the child alone because it was what she really wanted.
Statistics are scarce, but there are an increasing number of single women conceiving and adopting children alone. Called “Choice Moms,” these women, mostly in their 30s and 40s, have decided to become mothers through conception or adoption with or without a partner. In a 2009 CNN.com article, Mikki Morrissette, founder of ChoiceMoms.org said there were about 50,000 Choice Moms beginning families. Given their contemporary approach towards motherhood, I wondered if after giving birth would they consider their lives complete or just beginning.
There’s a scene in the television adaptation of Gloria Naylor’s The Women of Brewster Place between Oprah Winfrey’s character, Mattie, and Miss Eva, an elderly widow whom she lived with, with her young son, Basil. Miss Eva would badger her about her life, and romantic relationships especially, even asking, “When’s the last time you had somebody in your bed?” Mattie replied, “Basil sleeps in my bed every night.”
I cringe at that scene because Winfrey’s fictitious character, more than 20-years-old, is the mirror image of so many women today. They are unconsciously are using their children to fill voids, leaving them unfulfilled and unhappy. (Mattie, though the story’s matriarch and nurturer, remained alone throughout the movie, by the way. She was chastised for it by several characters.)
Though having a family is beyond important to me, I’m terrified of becoming a victim of what I think Mattie had: the ‘Just Me and My Baby’ syndrome. This occurs when the woman has a child and officially checks out on her own life. Should she get the opportunity to gain anything else of value that could be added to her or her child’s life, she passes it up out of fear, complacency or the goal to be Super-Mom. She thinks, “It’s just me and my baby (against the world).”
I pose this question, which might only be answered with time and experience: Am I wrong, or selfish even, for wanting the entire package—a mate and a full life, or am I just an ignorant, childless woman who has not yet experienced the matchless joys of motherhood? Will that be enough?
A friend summed up my thoughts succinctly, saying, “I don’t want my kids to be my life. They’re gonna leave me in 18 years … then what?” When my nest is empty or even when the children are away at a summer camp or visiting friends, will I ask myself, “Who are you again?” Attempting to live your best life can easily become lost among children’s education, extracurricular activities and everyday motions. True living includes not only being a good parent, but nurturing romantic relationships and friendships, social involvement, spirituality, career development, etc.
Most mothers peg their biggest accomplishment as having children, but it doesn’t have to be their only accomplishment. We should be encouraged to begin or continue to pursue personal interests and passions, as well as family interests after children are born. That is not selfish, but attempting to be a whole person, which affects the whole family.
Conversely, there’s nothing wrong with getting off the train at the baby stop. If a woman’s only desire is to bear children and raise a family, with or without a man, there’s no rule book that says she can’t. My personal hope whenever and however I begin my family is that I experience joy and satisfaction in my life, and ride it until the wheels fall off. That joy could come from seeing my child’s smile when he or she wakes me up for breakfast, carving out time for a Girls Night Out or completing a volunteer project.
I hope that’s not asking too much.
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It’s not selfish of you at all nor to other females that share your sentiments. You bring up some valid points that some women do fall into that mode where it’s all about the child and nothing more or nothing less. True, a good parent is one who does put their child first, but a single parent, esp single moms in all that we do to juggle life… it’s all about a good (healthy) balance that works for you and your child.
It’s interesting that I always say God has bionic hearing. Before I became a mom, I use to half-joke that I would be content as a single mom. Funny thing is, I was never the female who was always looking for “the one” nor wanting to start a family, etc. However, I ended up having my child at 27. I’m now in my 30′s and I’m a single mom to a toddler. It’s rewarding but it’s challenging. Remember that scene from Sex and the City when Miranda tells Carrie (after having Brady) that she would be willing to consider marriage with Steve just to have him there to help her with the baby? Yep! I’ve had those thoughts too. LOL
Bravo to my fellow single moms who are juggling and struggle for a balance, and a God Bless you to the single moms who want this life by choice and can handle it very well with each up and down. I will say that dads are doing this as well. There’s an inspiring story in Essence (can’t remember which month) where this guy adopted a son. He’s single 30-something, works in the corporate world and an international traveler. The awestruck thing is.. he is open to a wife, but he is not searching. He’s all about a life for him and his son. When he travels, his son travels with him and the boy doesn’t look older than 2 years old!!!!
Being a single parent is a lot tougher.. so unless you are completely sure you can handle this…. God bless you…
But can your child handle you being a single Mom? Will your child develop the same as any other kid? Most say that they will not. Now I know there have been some axe murderers who grew up in a two parent home but lets be honest about this. Most of the children who are the most problematic in school, later on in life, even when they are married came from a single mother household.
I think choosing to be a single mother is just a byproduct of the fact that many women rather go without, than to deal with waiting for a good man. The fact that women have such a hard time finding suitable mates is what scares and astonishes me. Its taken for granted and of course we like to blame the men but surely its a more complex problem. Are we trying to make women of our men (read, looking for a Mr Sensitive), are boys still being reared with the hit n split mentality? While choosing single mother/fatherhood is a choice, it doesn’t tackle the real issue. I’m 30 and
Hubby trumps Baby by a long shot in my books and I think that is true for many of my peers. I also think the issue that no one wants to touch is the big huge ‘why are so many of us getting pregnant for men who have no fatherhood or life mate tendencies?’ – that’s where most single moms fit in. That’s the real deal.
@Nala
So a single mother found a man suitable to knock her up but not be a husband and a residential father to his child and hers?
Dear Jesus,
Keep my head from banging against this wall.
Amen.
Whether by choice or not, I feel single moms (esp the ones I know) who are responsible enough to keep out of the dating pool with endless rotations of “Uncles” in and out of their childrens’ lives are basically looking out for not only THEIR best interest but the best interest of the child. I personally believe that the new age choice of single motherhood comes from the notion that these women would not, could not, or chose not to concieve in the confines of a relationship or marriage. Because for all us others single parents it was far from a choice. I didn’t choose to be alone but I definitely chose to have my son. And the choice to stay that way is because of the fact that I wont jeapordize my child’s experience for my own selfish needs. Because, really, being all about your child is extremely fullfilling. At the same time, one should realize that just because a woman is man-less doesn’t mean she’s lifeless. My life is and will continue to be all about my son but that doesn’t mean that it’s less fulfilling than someone out there on date night. I had that experience before the conception of my son and honestly I found it very vapid and unfulfilling. The sense of purpose and direction your life takes on when it aint “all about you”, or about a “man” is one that can’t be matched. Don’t get it twisted I don’t wanna die a lonely old spinter, nor do I plan to make my son my surrogate husband, but I will say that for his sake I’ll STAY single before I let some other man who’s unfit into his life.
There is nothing wrong with growing old and being a spinster, in fact I’m one right now minus being an AARP All-Star!!
i think choosing not to have children is less selfish than to bring kids onto this earth because of pressure from society. it reminds my of when i had work expernice in a nursery and one of the woman who was a lawyer saw her kid like 2hrs each day and when it was holidays she still dropped her kid into the nursery whilst she had some ‘me time’. she would drop her off at 6 in the mornring then pick her up at 8 in the afternoon every siingle day.
My friend and I were having a conversation about this same topic earlier this week, and although we’re both still in our early 20′s, she hit me with a quote that got me thinking. She said, “Either it’s gonna be you and your cats… or you and a baby… Choose wisely”. She said she would rather choose the baby, but I’m still unsure. A good number of the women in my family don’t have children of their own, either out of choice or because they were unable to once they hit a certain age. Most of them are now married to men that have children, and have since become step-mothers and step-grandmothers, and I have always felt like if I don’t get married in the next ten years, I’ll probably end up like them… without a child of my own, but eventually will marry a man that has children. Right now, I would love to get married, then have children, but if it’s not in my cards I don’t know how I will feel. Time will tell I suppose.
I’m getting a fish tank.
A fish tank is better than a cat!
In my opinion, it’s important to have the entire package…because children do disappoint and when children is all you live for..the disappointment stings BIG TIME! Some people use the excuse, its all about my child right now because they are afraid to live. Based on what I have observed, some of the women who say this are so boggled down with motherhood that they cannot see the importance of providing beyond the basics, food &shelter..they are so busy working..thinking they are doing what they are suppose to do when in reality their kids are being raised by the media and the streets.
In my opinion, taking on the responsiblity of motherhood is choice that should not be taken lightly or with little thought, especialy when it comes to fulfilling that aspiration of raising a child in a healthy and loving two parent home. Motherhood is not all to life, but is pretty high up there on my list of accomplishments while I am on this earth..its held on a higher standard than my professional career. The concept of creating life and molding it into something great is the greatest miracle GOD can give to some women. In spite of my belief, I am aware that there is a life that must be dealt with outside of that role…like being a wife, a daughter, a professional w/ a salary and the list goes on.
When my time is up, I want to be remembered for being a great mother, daughter, sister, cousin, friend…than being the CEO of ABC Company or Partner at ABC Law Firm and sacrificing time away from my family & friends to bring home the bacon. My intention is not to knock anyone’s life priorities..but these are mine. We all have choices to make in this life…
We share the same thoughts. The point I wanted to make in the piece is motherhood is definitely on my list of priorities, but I don’t want to lose MYSELF in the process, in turn, passing that on to my child(ren). Can women “have it all”? I don’t know, maybe not all or once, but you shouldn’t stop living–in a respectful way. I don’t mean, if you’re a single mother, rotate men in your homes, but try to create a balanced life. Give your children something to model.
Thanks for reading!
Well said! I totally agree.
I dream with raising my children in a two-parent household as well, but if that doesn’t happen and I’m in a confident financial position to support a child on my own, I will very well give it much thought. I don’t think I can wait for Mr. Hubby all my life, not because Im impatient, but because I want my own family. It’s not ideal and hard, but not impossible.
What you speak of- the syndrome- is very true. I like that you pointed out that there’s nothing wrong with it, though. Who are we to say: Get a damn hobby or passion!
I remember when my mom joined the PTA when I was in elementary school, it was the most annoying thing to see her multiple times a day, but I never realized it might have been her way to connect to other adults while being able to have a hand in my education. Ideally, I want to be the career Mom, but can def. see myself falling in love with just motherhood.
Great relevant topics, thanks!
Well, there should definately be a balance in everything but I must say from what I have seen of most single mothers in our community the children come no where near first. The mothers are too busy chasing/holding on to a man. If the children were everything in our community all our problems would be solved.
How many times are we going to rehash this!!!!
Once encountered a woman who had a ring exchanging ceremony with her young son.
How screwed is that kid going to be?
The wonderful thing about America is that generally people have a lot of freedom to live their lives anyway they see fit, unfortunately that is not always in the best interest of the larger society. So many women complain about all the unsuited men they see as current or future mates but there are an equal amount of women who fall into unsuitable category and I attribute that to the unbalanced family structure in which so many people have been raised or are now being raised. They are not being exposed to that balance of male and female presence in their lives that unconsciously prepares us to better interrelate with both genders. It will be difficult to maintain relationships if we find the ways of the other gender and that interaction alien in nature.
Um wasnt that Jennifer Aniston??
to answer the question, I’d never purposely raise a child alone, only way that could ever happen to me is if I were t become a widow. Raising a child without a father because you listening to a ticking clock/googaga feelings is BS IMO.
While I sympathize with the author, I want to raise my future child(ren) within a family. Therefore, No Husband=No babies. I believe that intentionally having a child alone is a disservice to both the child and the mother.
Parenting rule number one: It’s not about you. No, that doesn’t mean you lose yourself or become a hermit that never leaves the house. However, in a home with children the children are the center of that home. They don’t run the house by calling the shots. They run the house by dictating the nature of how things transpire in the house. They dictate priorities, finances, time allotment and many other things. So it is not a question of if one wants to have a family or if one wants to have kids. It is a question of, “Am I ready to be someone’s mother or father?” Also, “Is my home and lifestyle conducive to the proper development of a child?”
It is not enough to make good money. You have to have the time. You have to have flexibility. That is why I respect people who know they are not ready to be parents and proceed accordingly. That shows they have at least thought it through realistically. Single parenthood is hard. I (like many others) am a product of it. I came out of it dead set on NEVER repeating it with my own children. And thankfully, I haven’t. My kids have both wife and I, and it still is a challenge. Of course, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I wish the single parents out there the best. It’s not a perfect world. However, there are some areas of life where “imperfections” are more costly than others. The lives of our children are one of those areas. Proceed carefully.
x 2!!!
Wonderful article. I think the “Just Me and My Baby” syndrome is more of an ideal that some single mothers THINK they should adhere to. My this, I mean…I think they really want more but don’t want to seem like a bad mother. I see this among my friends who became mothers really early.
This may be a ‘hard pill to swallow’ BUT human babies DONT STAY BABIES FOREVER!! I try to tell my granddaughters friends this: they grow up and most teens especially NEED TWO PARENTS IN THE HOME unless you have good friends to help mentor your teens–most teens don’t listen to their parents after age 12, whiCh is the seperating process it takes to grow up (but they got to honor them)—birds work TOGETHER to build their nest and i think humans are more important than birds for their babies, they build it TOGETHER….You should see swans sometimes….they raise them TOGETHER…and the couple stay together for life
So, I have a question… I am currently 30, in a monogamous relationship (planning to get married) and want a child. Like yesterday. Due to some health concerns, my timeline for having children has been greatly shortened. Not that I won’t be alive, but that I won’t be able to conceive after a while (maybe another few years).
My fiance & I have discussed it and I let him know that I am planning to try my hardest to conceive within the next year, with or without his help (meaning possible IUI). He would like me to wait a few years when he MAY be ready, but that is not an option for me and I have expressed to him that if necessary, I am willing to do it alone but would rather have him with me. Also, he has a son from a previous relationship and a very difficult relationship with his son’s mother.
Am I being selfish???
@Ms. Virgo
Just make sure you are looking at the big picture. Your fiancé already has a child. So he may not be in a hurry to have another (he may not really want another). Plus, you mentioned him having a shaking relationship with the mother of his child. That is significant. It may have soured him on the idea of having another mother of a child to negotiate with. Which all comes back to the strength of your relationship with him. If those things are issues for him the best remedy is a strong and committed relationship between the two of you. His wanting to wait may be him wanting to make sure the two of you are built to last before bringing a child into your situation. The fact he is engaged to you shows he is committed to you and has good intentions.
I think there is a degree of selfishness inherent in wanting children. After all, we are passing on our genes. At the most basic level that is self preservation. I am a man and I had a self imposed biological clock. I didn’t want any kids past the age of 32. I didn’t want to be an “old” parent. And I wanted my kids to get to know their grandparents. Fortunately, I was already married a few years before that so things worked out. The feelings you have are normal. Just remember parenthood is a life long commitment. Think about your future child’s best interest. You going it alone may or may not be in his/her best interest depending on your circumstances. Proceed cautiously. These decisions you are making will have residual impacts on multiple lives for years to come.
I love how people refer to children as “my baby” like they are possessions. Children are not like pets that can be taken to the shelter when it gets to hard to take care of them. They are not like handbags or cars. They are human beings!! They will not be cute babies and tots for long. They will grow up and be contributing factors to society either good or bad!!
To make the decision to have babies with or without a stable, 2 parent home is selfish and irresponsible. I understand things happen. Parents divorce, spouses die, etc. Those are usually circumstances that are beyond our control. But to purposely have children out of wedlock or even without the involvement of a partner is selfish, setting yourself (and the child) for failure and just plain dumb!
Over 70% of our children are born to single mothers, most of whom were ‘single’ before conception. Is it a coinsidence that we (Blacks folks) still suffer from high crime rates, high unemployment, high numbers of uneducation among other ailments? The largest reason for this is the breakdown in our family structure. ‘First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.’
Yeah, that is no longer the norm. And look at where that has taken us! Just because people CAN have children doesn’t mean that they SHOULD have children. Because remember, when these kids grow up without BOTH parents in the home with positive relationships they are more likely to fall prey to the social ills that plague our society. And the rest of us have to deal with their issues.
So do everyone a favor, look at the big picture…. How is your decision to have a child on your own going to affect the child and the rest of society when that child grows up? Think about it.
The Red sea just parted. Thank you.
This is dead-on! Thanks for your comment!
I’m 47, and married (9 yrs now, together for 11 to a white man), and we have 2 sons (ages 4 and 8). I remember distinctly thinking after the birth of my first son, “how do single moms do it?!” I started to tear-up just thinking about it. I was over-stressed and exhausted trying to take care of an infant – and that was with a wonderful, helpful husband. I was well over 35, advanced in my career, and I had always thought of myself as organized and a good time manager.
My hat goes off to single women who make the decision to raise a child, solo. As much as I love my children, motherhood is not something I would ever have undertaken on my own.
My sister is 46, and appears to still be waiting/searching for a “black prince” to be her everything. My hubby and I are in the process of updating our wills, and originally were leaving my oldest son to my sister if anything were to happen to us. But I see how much having a dad around is so important to my sons. It’s painful to admit, but I can’t go along with her as the designated guardian anymore.
I still don’t know how to tell her, the boys will go to my husband’s cousin and her husband (she’s adopted and Asian and so is her husband – they also have 2 young kids). When his cousins were under consideration the first time around, my sister got upset and said I was penalizing her for not being married. I agreed, and made her the designated guardian. Fast forward 8 years: she still unmarried, and while she may still see it as being penalized, now I know better. I see it as doing what’s best for my kids.
“My sister is 46, and appears to still be waiting/searching for a “black prince” to be her everything.”
How unreasonable considering that the vast majority of black women end up with black men- prince or frog. The odds are actually in her favor. What a gratuitously irrelevant remark.
I’m a product of this “me & my baby” mentality and I’m telling you that it sucks! People always think I’m lucky because my mom and I are so “close,” but let me tell you, living with someone who draws their entire identity from you is extremely draining. Please don’t do this to your kids, whether you are single or not.
I guess my biggest concern with women choosing to have children alone is that the cycle is bound to repeat itself. How can we expect our children to grow up and have healthy relationships if we never give them a chance to see what a healthy relationship looks like?
Being a product of a single parent household, I’ve made the choice to not have children and I’ve never regretted my decision. I’ve witnessed my relatives and friends who had to raise their children and it wasn’t easy for them by a long shot. Now that I am approaching 40 (loving it!), I am seeing that my single-parent relatives and friends have either raised them to be successful young adults off to college and other pursuits or they have continued the vicious cycle of babies having babies and raising them on their own.
I often wonder what it would have been like had I went down the same road, but it’s a fleeting thought. It’s important that women look at the big picture and decide what they want to do about babies instead of just letting life happen to them without making sound choices for them and their future children.