Lately, you can’t enter a hair salon, restaurant or lounge without hearing women complain about the lack of eligible men. And they have a point: take away the men in relationships, the gay men, the incarcerated men, the unemployed/uneducated men and the “dogs,” and there aren’t a lot of men to choose from.

But some, NOT all, of these women contribute to their inability to find a man. Some of these women push men away as soon as they meet them.

While some women don’t pull the “right” men, there are others who don’t attract men at all. And most of them have no idea why.

Despite what relationship experts, gurus and analysts would have you believe, there’s really no complex secret to attracting men. The way to attract men? Umm…stop repelling them. Simple physics.

Be kind, friendly and approachable. That’s all.

Nowhere was this more apparent than at a house party this weekend. The house party was full of men. Straight men. Attractive men. Blue-collar guys like maintenance men and bus drivers. White-collar guys who worked on Wall Street, for Citigroup or at prestigious law firms. Whatever type of man you’re interested in, you could find him at this party.

There were some women, like me, who left the party having been approached by several eligible guys. There were others who left without any love.

I sat back and watched my friends interact to see the difference in their behavior. (Yes, this was my personal social experiment). I found that the very friends who complain about being lonely repel the men that may be interested in them.

It’s not that they were unattractive. Quite the opposite. These ‘lonely’ girls were gorgeous and stacked like The House of Pancakes. It wasn’t their bodies that repelled men; it was their body language.

They looked distant. Annoyed. Holier than thou. Unpleasant. Moody. Uninterested. Rude.

They were tied to their friends at the hip all night, unwilling to branch off and socialize. Some even complained that there were too many men at the party. They looked like they’d reject the first man that approached them. And were surprised when no man did.

I’ve spoken to my male friends enough to know that they make a point to avoid women that seem this way. Their explanation is simple: No one wants to be rejected. And if you’re giving off a vibe like you may reject a man, they’re not setting themselves up for failure by approaching you.

On the flip side, a couple of my girls and I attracted men like moths to a flame. By the end of the night, we had several prospects — with great jobs and good looks — who were interested in getting to know us better.

And it’s not because we’re easy or exceptionally attractive. Don’t get me wrong—looks are important -—but it’s not about how big your butt is. My friend with the baddest shape is usually left by her lonesome. My thin girlfriend with hardly any curves can’t keep guys away.

It’s more about how you carry yourself. The vibe you put out in the universe. The energy.

Are you desperate? Negative? Moody? Snotty? Men can read that. And if you come off that way, prepare to be snotty all by yourself.

If you’re negative and always complaining or sticking your nose in the air, you’ll deter men from approaching you. A positive attitude and pleasant demeanor go a long way in attracting men into your life.

My friends and I that were approached are just friendly and pleasant girls that smile, laugh, wink. And it gets us the dates and attention that seems to elude many.

And note: friendly doesn’t mean you’re chasing men, or being a whore. As I said before, the girls competing for attention by throwing themselves at men are repelling men too, but for another reason. That reason being, as my boy put, “I don’t want it if it’s that easy,” (c) Tupac.

My advice is to simply give them a sign that you’re interested. And you’ll be surprised to find, more often than not, they’re interested back.

Men, what does it take for you to approach a woman in a social setting? What pushes you away from a woman you’d otherwise be interested in? Women, have you found the ‘friendly’ approach works for you?

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  • meh

    I’m expressing trends. Negative press about Black women has increased greatly for the past decade. As it relates to this post, I was implicitly stating what is currently happening regarding ‘what a woman should do’ despite the imbalance of/lack of suggestions on ‘what a man should(n’t).’

    The explicit, targeted attacks on Sisters is unfortunate and there’s a shared responsibility. Let’s not ignore our/mens’ privilege when discussing oppression and how often womens’ expressions are dismissed.

    We cannot measure dehumanization.
    We *can* measure its marginalized discussion and portrayal regarding that dehumanization (psych today and karzawa, Tyler Perry’s depiction of women, commercials, movies, etc.).

  • Ravi

    you weren’t expressing trends when you said ““(Black) Men are not nearly as dehumanized as (black) women.” That is a statement of the present condition of relative levels of dehumanization, which is not something you that you can objectively quantify (measure). Without the ability to measure dehumanization to some degree, it becomes very difficult to say who is MORE dehumanized. Had you only remarked on the disturbing trend of negative press towards black women then we wouldn’t be having this discussion. I agree with that completely, but that’s very different than your original comments.

    I’m not ignoring any system of privilege. There exists many lines of privilege and it is not so simple as to say black men are in a complete state of relative privilege to black women. In terms of the “justice” and education system, I would argue that the reverse is true.

    you can only measure the number of discussions and portrayal (which I doubt you have done the leg work on), but this doesn’t give you meaningful information on their cumulative impact. The only way you can even begin to gauge that is by looking at outcomes. In terms of outcomes, I’m still not seeing black women in a much worse position, especially when it comes to education outcomes, where the chief crisis is with black boys.

    It’s a dicey matter comparing who has it worse and there is little objective that can be used to make an honest assessment on this.

    • meh

      What I stated is certainly problematic once you isolate and remove its context – as do many statements.

    • Ravi

      well that statement was problematic in any context, because of the aforementioned reasons. there was no need to quote the rest of what you were saying because the context is well understood and I actually agree with much of the rest of your original statement. It was just that one part about black women being more dehumanized than black men. Simply not an assertion that can be substantiated.

  • the_unforgiven

    what an load of bs.

    This article single handley states that the majority of men are in jail, gay, or worthless pieces of crap.

    You want to know the first, out of many things, wrong with this article… I have known plenty of guys who have been in and out of jail, and I promise you on everything I know… they NEVER… had a shortage of women chasing them.

    This article goes to lenghts to show that not ALL women repel men, but does nothing to show that not ALL men are the same. And what right or statistic do you have to show that the majority of men are bad people?

  • Meme

    I am a very lonely person. I never had a boyfriend, and people do not want to hang out with me, nor want to get to know me. Plus adding my bi-polar issues it is very hard to stay positive with loneliness is by my side. I can not help, but pity myself for being as pathetic as I am, and it repeats In my mind almost everyday, and almost every time I see a playful group in my college.

    I have been bullied a lot, sexually harassed, and people played with my heart, and no matter what I repel people away. You can just say its easy to pop right back up, but anyone who thinks that is dead, dead wrong. It my mental illness that just can’t ever be fixed and I suffered from people, and depression and some people can even try to know me or give me a chance. You tend to think if the experience even worth it when so many pity you like a baby because they think your naive, and childish. So you pity yourself and people pity you. It best to commit suicide.