Women, Money and What We Won’t Talk About
Women will talk about any and everything with one another. We will share details of work, family, friends, and even our romantic lives with our closest friends. We’re candid about our inner most thoughts and feelings and rarely hesitate to voice our opinions. We host book clubs, wine nights, girls nights out, lunches and shopping trips to boast our gift of gab and update each other on our lives with friendly games of gossip. However, there is one thing that women seem not to discuss—our money.
A few weeks ago one of my best friends called me in a bind. She needed a little help making her rent so I offered to deposit money into her bank account the next day. While filling out the deposit slip, I began to wonder why she never really spoke about her financial situation. After all, I knew everything about her. I knew of every guy she dated, who she was currently dating and who she needed to dismiss. I knew about her family, her friends and how she was dieting to drop a few pounds. I even knew about her emotions and how she hated her job and was desperately looking for a change. What I didn’t know about was how much she was struggling financially.
Many of us grew up being told that talking about money was tacky, whether we grew up with it or not. It’s never been my place to ask about my friends’ pocketbooks and bank accounts, and it’s certainly not something I’d willingly share either. Over the years, I’ve learned more about the penis size of my friends’ lovers than the size of their savings. I’ve learned more about their sexual risks than their financial risks. I’ve even known their sex number, but never their FICO score. Yet, despite knowing even the dirtiest details about our friends, why is it that money remains such a secret?
I brought up my conundrum with another friend, as I was curious to know why we won’t talk about the things we don’t talk about. Before poking around with my questions, my friend jumped right in to telling me about the crazy sex she had the previous night with her boyfriend, how they knocked the mattress off of the bed, how her kitty queefed, and how humiliated she was but obviously not enough to forgo the biggest “O” of her life. We both exhaled, and I gave her a high-five through the phone upon venturing into a less climatic series of stories.
When asked about why women don’t really talk to each other about our finances, my friend blatantly admitted that it’s no one’s business. I retorted with a reminder of how only a few moments ago she shared openly about her nunu noises. She laughed but held her ground. “Money is just more personal,” she said. “It’s a part of our identity.”
Money does determine where we live, what we drive, what we wear, what we eat, and the list goes on, but is it that big a part of our identity? My gut reaction would have me quickly shout out no, that money does not define who I am. Thinking more about it, however, I’d have to agree that money often defines what I can do, and it is also a determining factor of how I feel about myself—with it, I feel accomplished and secure. I’m aware that money won’t keep me warm at night, but a nice cozy comforter and roof over my head will. If money is a part of our identity, why won’t we share that aspect of it with our nearest, dearest friends? Perhaps if we spoke more openly about money with our closest friends—apart from the deal we got on our outfits—we would be able to share our successes and strategies and help each other strengthen our individual financial security.
“we would be able to share our successes and strategies and help each other strengthen our individual financial security.”
I can’t express how glad I am you made this last comment. I’ve never understood why we kept our finances top secret. I understand that some people, like the author’s friend, believe that it simply just isn’t anyone else’s business but I feel that we should look past that and realize how much we would help each other out by speaking about it. I’m not saying show your friends your bank statements every month, but don’t shut down completely when a financial question comes around. My own sister wouldn’t even tell me how much she made and I never understood why. I never understood what the big secret was, and I must honestly say that it hinders us in some ways. The issue isn’t only just with sharing but with asking, I know some people may feel like they’re intruding or being inappropriate when asking about friends finances but if there’s something you want to know how else would you get answers? If you’ve been wanting a new car and your friend got one instead of wondering and assuming how they got it why not ask for research purposes so that you can follow suit? We shotuld also be ready and willing to help our peers out. This is honestly a big part of why I am a finance major, finances are a big part of our lives and I love helping my friends in any way I can with their monetary successes and struggles, it’s really not that big of a deal.
Interesting topic. If I had to guess, I’d say that maybe we (women) feel more comfortable sharing sexual experiences than our financial situations because sharing the sexual experience lets us feel more powerful and less vulnerable, ironically. And it seems to be a safe, more socially accepted (depending on the crowd) version of power and/or vulnerability. Also, it’s okay to be submissive or domineering with sex. It’s not okay to be submissive or domineering with money; it makes us feel and appear less in control. (If we are submissive with our money, we lose respect. If we are domineering with our money, we face jealousy and resentment. If we are somewhere in the middle, it’s still not considered okay to talk about it because it’s seen as bragging.) And how we deal with our money can trump everything. Once we reveal our financial situation, whatever else we talk about will quite likely be judged more harshly.
Who knows. Probably just the ingrained thought we all have that it’s embarrassing to talk about money when you’re struggling and conceited to talk about it when you’re doing really well. But we should at least be sharing some tips on budgeting and increasing wealth. I liked what this girl did with her series. She shared mistakes she made with money and did some research to get back on track with your finances.
Think and Grow chick:
my friends are just the opposite.. they talk about bills, late payments, being broke, credit card bills and student loans.. no shame in their game..
I suspect much of the silence around finances stems from personal embarrassment. Poor money management is not anything to be proud of and it plagues a lot of people no matter how much they make. Cheap credit has made it possible for too many folks to adopt lifestyles they can’t possible afford and many of us, their friends are never aware of it until they can no longer pay their bills, they repo their car or they are being evicted or foreclosed. Telling friends you can’t meet at that restaurant, take that vacation or buy that new whatever is not easy for some folks and that more often than not lends to being in over one’s head. Even the most prudent of us is tempted to overspend at times in the company of others. This recession has exposed a lot of financial delusions to be just that delusion.
I know so many people both many and women who have gone over the financial precipice because they kept their financial situation secret. I have never understood that, as someone noted before you don’t have to show other people your bank statements but whenever you have big decisions around money and finances, consulting with friends is never a bad thing because you will be surprised at the good intelligence you may be able to access. I always try to have financial conversations with a woman with whom I am involved in a relationship because one of the important values couples need to share is their financial philosophy. There is far too many a failed marriage/relationship where issues of finances were a primary contributor. I have exited a relationship also because the woman I was involved with was so deceptive about her finances while in the same breath demanding a timetable for marriage.