Beyonce, Baby Bumps, and Doing It the Right Way
Well, well, well. Looks like the most fabulous kid to ever strut down the birth canal is on its way after Queen B’s announcement amidst the glitz and glamour of the VMA’s red carpet: She and Jigga are expecting their first bundle of joy together. After years of questioning the power couple about their plans to birth a power tot, the paparazzi finally has their wish and will probably spend the next nine months or so inviting us into the every bubble and bounce of Beyonce’s womb. Hold on to your Twitter feed, folks. It’s about to be a gossip and teeny-tiny-minute-detail filled pregnancy.
Even as Bey stood there drenched in her typical brand of flawless gorgeousness, cupping her cute little baby bump beneath a flowy Lanvin gown, something bigger than her obvious joy was in the works. Another Black couple is making marriage stylish, cool, obviously happy, and now they’re having a baby. Even as the brouhaha from the Will and Jada divorce dust-up tentatively settles, Beyonce and Jay-Z and Lala and Carmelo are making jumping the broom and raising babies palatable to a generation that has grown up listening to their choice of baby mama anthems while using “baby daddy” as a term of endearment.
When Keyshia Cole married her man, NBA baller Daniel Gibson, back in the spring, my first thought was ‘go ‘head, y’all!’ Because even though I’m smack dab in what will apparently be eternal singledom, I’m genuinely happy for any couple who finds each other, from celebrity mash-ups to Pookie and Clandetta down the block. Even with all the bells and whistles of the new millennium, there’s nothing like a good ol’ fashioned love story.
My second reaction was a bit more reflective: I wonder if Keyshia and her bestie Monica, who got married herself back in the beginning of the year, will inspire their fans, maybe even their fellow single mothers, to believe in the institution of marriage? Even reach for it? It would’ve been nothing for either one of them to take the new-age route and shack up instead of making it official. Seems like everybody and their sister’s cousin is either living together or creeping up on common law these days. It’s the modern way of getting to happily ever after. Times have changed and getting hitched isn’t even necessary anymore in order for a man and woman to be content, functional and socially accepted.
And that may work for some folks. To them and others who just don’t think it’s that deep, first comes love, second comes marriage, then comes the lady with the baby carriage is a rhyme that didn’t mean much more beyond the playground in elementary school. But to me, it’s the natural order of things, the way the good Lord intended them to be, the modus operandi that makes the most logical sense. I had to find this out the hard way, though. I read all of the comments in the blog posts that I write and one poignant (albeit a bit ig’nant) observer pointed out that my desire to one day have more kids with a hubby must mean that I had a baby with a brother who chose not to marry me in the first place. Ouch. But it’s true: I consciously made the choice to lie down as a teenager with my good, common sense floating somewhere between good sex and first love.
So now, after besting 12 years of single motherhood and nine more months on top of that of being a baby mama, I see now that there is a reason why you should wait to be married before you have little ones. This ish ain’t easy solo. Not that having a husband makes life a cakewalk, but if you’ve picked the right dude, you’ve got a partner to help shoulder and share the responsibilities that come with being a parent, a homeowner—heck, an adult in general.
I don’t know what any of these relationships look like from the inside, whether they’re genuinely happy, whether they’re actually, factually in love or whether they keep their distance and come together only for photo ops and public appearances. What goes on in their homes is privy only to them and the close companions that may or may not someday write tell-all books. I’m talking about what these couples represent.
Despite the dismal statistics about Black love, all this recent vow exchanging is a good look for the little 12 and 14 and 16 year-old girls all wrapped up in their celebrity worship. Maybe they’ll wait until they’re married with a hot-to-death career before they have a baby, just like Beyonce. Hey, if that’s what inspires them to wait, then I’m all for it. I know I for one would be much more hype about going to a married woman’s baby shower than force a smile to sit through one for another single mother.
Celebrities wield such heavy influence over what so many folks do, say and believe—including adults, so let’s not front—that Mrs. Carter’s decision to do it the right way (yep, I intentionally left the quotation marks off) just might spark a positive trend. Now that’s a story I’d be ready and eager to read about.
LIke you said:
“But to me, it’s the natural order of things, the way the good Lord intended them to be, the modus operandi that makes the most logical sense.”
Personally I want the same thing (minus the presence of the Lord. I’m an atheist). This is what you believe to be the way. And yes, the benefits of marriage and then children have been documented. But marriage doesn’t fix everything. Marriage has to work. A child is better off with one parent who cares for it, versus being stuck with two miserable parents. Everyone has a different story. And it’s all very complicated. Marriage is not for everyone. And it takes two to get married.
Let’s not use Beyoncé’s story as a tale for women. What about the men? She didn’t just grab Jay-Z and turn him into a husband and future father. They came together and made a mutual agreement. Those terms don’t sound very romantic or lovey dovey but it’s just true.
If we want children to be legitimated for lack of a nicer word, let’s ask men to stop impregnating women out of wedlock.
I’m not trying to make this about just men or just women. It takes two.
“A child is better off with one parent who cares for it, versus being stuck with two miserable parents. ”
i love how people always rush to use this one , smh…
^Good God. I guess you’re NEVER gonna please some people. You bake a chocolate cake and somebodies gonna post “What about Strawberry cakes, I hate choclate and you forgot to mention cheesecake to!” Smh… I personally thought this was a well written piece that hit the target with the direction it was aimed.
LOL you are so right. i loved your delicoius example
Yea, sounds like someone was drinking the koolaid. Tell me, does marriage mean that mother and child will automatically be better off? It seems slightly naive to imply that *marriage* is the fix-all. Plenty of folx do it “the right way” and still end up as single mothers.
I’m wondering, because this article makes it seem as if marriage is a panacea for phucked up human stuff that seems to have created the abundance of single mothers. There *are* mothers who are *now* single who were married first. Not all children of single women were born out of wedlock.
Bey could have this baby and everything between her and Jay fall apart (not that I’m wishing it on them), but marriage doesn’t automatically solve the problem of singlemothers, it only means she was married to the man she had a baby with.
Imagine the let down for all the women who hold out for marriage to their future baby daddies only to end up in the same place as if they’d never been married. With child, and still a single mother.
The point is marriage should be the NORMAL thing…not the ABNORMAL thing.
Stop promoting dysfunction. If you found yourself a single mother take responsibility for your actions, but DO NOT try to minimize the institution of marriage.
We see exactly were the current lack of stable MARRIED parent homes has gotten black people. That ish ain’t working. So please stop preaching about something that is phucked up. The cycle needs to be broken. Young black children need to be told that marriage isn’t optional…it’s what should be expected.
@JustSayin
Thank you.
@ Justsayin
hotdamnit girl HIGH FIVE!!!
i don’t know why people keep trying to downgrade marriage like this, and the sad thing is they don’t get that a single woman who was married before having her babies commands waaaaay more respect than a babymomma. sorry but that’s the truth.at least she tried to do it right and even if things fell apart the kids were planned for and are more likely to have a relationship with their daddy than those who weren’t.(i didn’t say they always [i know some fool gonna try for a rebuttal on that one] have a good relationship but divorced fathers are MORE LIKELY to be involved in their kids’ lives.fact)
The “stability” of the black family is NOT just about MARRIAGE or the breakdown of it. Marriage does NOT = happily well adjusted black children. I’m not saying that a mother and father who are COMMITTED to the raising of healthy children is not important, But only a simpleton would think that MARRIAGE is the cureall for the breakdown of the family structure.
I CHALLENGE the “traditional” ideas of marriage. This so-called institution sanctioned by the so-called “lord” is not the reason for the breakdown of the black family. The breakdown of families came long before the breakdown of marriage. Advocating marriage and demonizing single mothers isn’t going to change anything. The crisis among black family cannot be solved simply by marrying folks off before children come into the picture. This is a band-aid for a problem that goes much deeper.
Some of you say choose differently. Only damaged and traumatized folks could say something like that. But else would dysfunctional people say.
Y’all so quick to want to judge and point the blame, you can’t see the forest for the trees. But go ahead and get married thinking that is the way to protect yourself. That seems to be about the strength of critical thinking ability amongst folks who would makes statements like the one above.
Marriage is *A* way. You could choose to make sure that any children you bring into the world will be cared for, educated and developed into healthy human beings — married or not.
@ConshusMama
Chicks that feel like you need to excuse yourselves from a conversation SUPPORTING marriage because y’all ain’t nothing but a cancer threatening to keep spreading if not treated and controlled.
Your arse backwards thinking is what got black people in the phucked up condition we see today. AT SOME POINT THE CYCLE NEEDS TO BE BROKEN. Does marriage guarantee stability? No, but it sure as hell won’t hurt actually trying to do things DIFFERENTLY from the ish that’s been going down.
“The crisis among black family cannot be solved simply by marrying folks off before children come into the picture. This is a band-aid for a problem that goes much deeper.”
Please share with us what you mean by “deeper.” What are some of these deeper issues? What problem are you talking about? Because social scientist have pointed to the collapse of the black family to explain other ish like crime, devaluation of education, teen pregnancy, the economic wealth gap etc. Until this house gets in order all the other stuff will continue to happen. So rebuilding the nuclear family unit SHOULD be number one on the list of priorities.
No one is “downplaying” marriage. As adults, it’s arrogant to think that one person’s decisions about how they choose to raise a child, is better than another person’s way. If an adult chooses to have a child in or outside of wedlock, who am I to say that they are right or wrong? It’s THEIR decision. It’s their life. Their decision, esp. if they are celebrities like Bey and Jay-z, won’t affect your (or mine, for that matter) life one way or another. It should be their own personal choice.
@JustSayin…
Totally agree.
JustSayin, it’s true. Your ignorance knows no bounds.
@d_nicegirl
Like I said before please take your hurt feelings and move the hell on. Most of y’all black single mothers ain’t nothing but a cancer. Get lost. If you want to stay in your delusional state go right ahead, but don’t stand in the way of others seeing the light. Good-bye!
These same women who were offended on twitter about their right to be babymamas are the same ones who complain about how hard it is and want kudos for doing their self appointed job. I could not believe the outrage on twitter that resulted from people congratulating Beyonce on doing it THE RIGHT way.
Yet sistas are gluttons for punishment. Constantly making their life harder from poor choices and then want sympathy and kudos for laying in a bed they MADE. They know that single parenting is hard, watched their mommas do it then turn around and get themselves into the same situation.
You do not have to be a believer of lover of the lord to know that 2 parents makes the most sense. Black folks are in some kind of denial.
I totally agree with you. We need to do better and stop glorifying disfunction.
I am in total agreement with you! I’m a black woman, mid-30s, married almost 5 years with no kids. I have a great career at a university. I had a woman (30 years old with 3 kids-started as a teenager, 2 baby fathers, one of whom is incarcerated) tell me that I don’t have any responsibilities because I don’t have kids. Then in the next breath she told me that her food stamps got cut. I looked at her like she was nuts. You can put up with welfare offices and shut off phones if you want to. Who would sign up for that baby mama foolishness?
The article isn’t saying that marriage is the answer to all life’s problems, but I agree wholeheartedly that given our society, Beyonce did it the right way. Not only because she is married, but also because she had a chance to travel and fulfill her dreams and career goals. It seems like we’re only happy when black women are struggling. Sistas, don’t believe the hype. We can excel and live it up too. Think of how much our little brown babies benefit when we do the right thing.
CD
We are being sold a bad bill of goods honey! These women are suffering and they want others to suffer too.
Nobody wants to be raising 2 or 3 kids alone on one income most likely under the 45K with minimal to no child support. Does that sound like an EMPOWERING life to you? Hell no! The children end up suffering the most in a world where black children need absolutely every single advantage they can possibly get.
Let me say this, I will get on the bus of this single parent life when:
Black graduation rates go up, black males don’t even have a 50% graduation rate.
Black male incarnation goes down. I know some of this is from unfair sentencing practices, but still. The pipeline to jail comes from the school house, and that comes from the home where poverty (which has a better chance of thriving where there is only ONE income) puts people at a greater risk of ending up in the justice system.
When 35% of black children are not living in poverty. The poverty line is way too low, even many of those who are technically not in poverty lived in a strained economic environment.
All of these bad rates of black people are all connected to a single source, dysfunctional family units that continue to produce underachievers and perpetuate generational poverty.
WAKE UP PEOPLE! Black women you have control over your wombs believe it or not you do not have to have babies you don’t want or can’t afford.
Co-sign Courtney. It saddens me to see black women with such low standards in life. I have never heard women of other races bragging about single motherhood. But, it goes back to how you grew up. Many black women didn’t see their mothers married so single parenthood is the norm for them. Sad :(
Right! Can I tell you I have a cousin who is 26, I’m 25, and she has 4 kids from 4 different men all of whom are in jail. I graduated from college, have a full time job, travel, etc and when she see me she talks about how I am acting like a white person and how I need to have kids! I’m like what so I can suffer and be broke and have my life ruined like you?! PLEASE! And it is clearly jealousy because she made these mistakes and choose to live with them.
There is NO reason in the day in age for anyone to have babies if they don’t want them. The only reason it happens is because of shear laziness. They hand condoms out everywhere, birth control can be bought discounted in place, access to abortion, or adoption.
Yes, Yes, YES!
Thank you Courtney! Black women’s suffering is so 20th century and it is high time we continued to make strides towards having a better standard of living. I am aware having children is a very expensive endeavor that lasts a minimum of 18 years. During my singlehood, having a child wasn’t even a blip on my radar and I took the necessary precautions not to get pregnant. I grew up in a single-parented household and I saw first-hand how difficult it was for my mom to beg my sperm-donor biological father for assistance. These Beyonce-Jay-Z can talk all they want about the so-called benefits of having and raising children on their own. However, I see through that foolishness and will continue to advocate for our black children being raised in stable, two-parented households.
I enjoyed the article and do agree with some of what the author writes. I am no advocate for single motherhood, but I am a single mother. The problem I have is all the generalizations, some of them very hurtful. A lot of the commenters have quite a bit of venom for single mothers and I wonder why. I have one daughter. My income is well above the poverty line and I have a professional career. My daughter’s father is a professional man. He has never been incarcerated. I am not suffering and neither is my daughter. I have the same problems that many of my married and unmarried friends have. I wonder how my life fits into the stereotypes that so many are leaning on. And I wonder what the motives are behind some of the condescending comments. Sure. I have wondered if our lives would have been different, but I am too busy living my life and enjoying my blessings to dwell on that. Regardless of all that, I am very happy for Beyonce and Jay.
@d_nicegirl
Your situation isn’t the norm because what many of us are speaking on are cesspool communities overrun with generational poverty. Many children growing up in single-parent homes are not as fortunate as your child.
I know that with me, I don’t go around shaming single moms about their situation and waving contraceptives in their face. I actually wish better for them so that their kid(s) will have a better future.
I just have zero respect for single moms that try to challenge single, child-free people for the choices they’ve made. Too many times, I’ve had single moms scoff at me for wanting to have a nuclear family. That’s very hateful and destructive.
@d_nicegirl
I’ll tell you what my issue is with most black single mothers (most being those who had them out of wedlock)…
Most of y’all don’t do or say a thing to try to combat this issue. Only one individual here so far has even stated that being a single mother is hard and she wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Whenever the topic of marriage before children comes up we get a whole bunch of black single mothers jumping into the conversation saying ish like “Marriage isn’t the answer…I’m a single mother and I’m doing just fine.” Then y’all become defensive as hell.
Usually when we hear from black single mothers it goes something like this “I’ve never been on welfare, I graduated from high school, and I take care of my kids…blame the irresponsible fathers.”
We rarely ever hear, “Y’all young sisters don’t need to follow in my footsteps. This life is hard. Use protection and aim for marriage and stability before having children.”
Some of y’all try to make single motherhood seem like the ish when we childless grown folks can see that B.S. for what it is and frown upon it. However, some young girl who isn’t up on game might look at single motherhood and think nothing of it because of the nonsense some of the single mothers out here say.
Stop the madness. Instead of trying to break the cycle many of you keep encouraging it by trying to make the situation seem less problematic than it is–this needs to stop.
@ EssDot323
Anyone who scoffs at you wanting a nuclear fam is nuts. Although I am a single mother, I am not the product of one. My parents are still married, so I know first hand what a positive nuclear fam looks like. I’ll even go as far as to say that I hope my daughter chooses to marry first. Just makes things simpler and you don’t have to deal with people’s judgments.
I think that many of the women who look down on your choice may be doing so because so many look down on them? Or could it be that they aren’t being malicious? Maybe they just look at you as an oddity because single motherhood is all they know?
I’m sure that they’re thinking according to their socioeconomic norms but the “acting White” sniping and the scoffing at my life choices are stupid and counterproductive. What is “acting Black/hood” doing for their child’s welfare?
I truly believe they are hateful and miserable people that know deep down that their lives are undesirable. Single, child-free people make them feel insecure about their life choices.
I’m sorry…make that two (I forgot Satin).
@JustSayin
“Most of y’all don’t do or say a thing to try to combat this issue.” We can’t all be omniscient as you obviously are. We don’t all have all the answers that you have. We are not all repositories of advice on all topics from black male hatred to black single mother hatred as you seem to be. Consider yourself lucky that your knowledge is so vast and waste no time waiting for vile single mothers such as myself to write cautionary tales. You do it too well.
@d_nicegirl
Please! The reason most of you don’t open you’re mouths to speak out against the B.S. is because you’re too afraid that YOUR nonsense will be highlighted. So you keep quiet and pretend that everything is great while anyone with two eyes and common sense and see that isn’t the case.
Congrats to the MAJORITY of black single mothers and the irresponsible men they spread their legs to–y’all have managed to accomplish something that neither slavery nor Jim Crow was able to accomplish: The complete and total destruction of Black America!
Give yourselves a pat on the back. Because of you we have GENERATIONS of black people who are self-destructive and cannot function properly in society. Again congrats!
(Sarcasm)
Here comes the babymama brigade out to defend all manner of foolishness to cover of their dumb choices. In the real world, being a divorced woman is very different than being a babymama. I say this not from a religious standpoint at all. I would never have a baby with a man who didn’t even offer to marry me. When will we learn?
“I would never have a baby with a man who didn’t even offer to marry me.” I couldn’t agree more. This is one of the main reasons why I don’t have children. Plus, my mom was a single mother and I saw how much she struggled. I didn’t want that for me or my children. And, I come from a time when being born out of wedlock was looked down upon. I was the little girl who didn’t have a daddy, it didn’t matter how pretty or smart I was and the fact that I was ostracized for it made me so self-conscious and ashamed. It has taken me years to come to terms with it. Again, I didn’t want my child go through that. It boggles my mind how today, it seems to be the norm for a woman to have several children with different men. Even now, people are shocked that I don’t have children.
OMG YES! I was having a conversation with my boyfriend just yesterday, and he said that if he came into some money tomorrow he would want to have a baby with me even if it was too soon to get married. *Screech* I was like Wah?!?!? you would willingly have a baby if you knew you couldn’t get married (him saying he’d want to finish school before he got married). So you’d have a baby while in school but you wouldn’t get married?? He was like, “way to kill it, I was trying to be romantic” What is romantic about CONSCIOUSLY choosing to have a child with a woman because you’re not ready for marriage. To him, it really made perfect sense. It was a way to tie two people together without the commitment of marriage. So I asked if he realized you can’t just kill your baby when you decide you don’t like someone anymore, but you can get a divorce. Eventually he agreed and said that the more he thought about it, the stupider it sounded, but that shows how indoctrinated the baby-mama meme is that he would even think something like that. I was floored.